Hi Brothers & sisters...i'm probably the newest member to JoS.I found the site and the more i read,the more everything made so much sense to me...I was raised a Xian in a Xian house,but I've never felt that i fit in.I hated going to church but because I was young i was forced by family.There was so much in the bible that didn't make sense to me...and when I'd question my family about it they'd say god is all powerful and
that we shouldn't question him,just believe,witch I felt was such a stupid answer.
When I got older,at about 12 or 13,I started using drugs...weed and Heroin to be exact.They were my drugs of choice...I became goth,piercing myself everywhere I could,lips,nipples,tongue,eyebrows,ears etc.Because it felt to me that every one (Xians) were being lied to and that there was something big going on,a secret...I didn't want to be anything like them so I became the opposite...I just didn't know how to prove Xians were being lied to or where to start searching for answers...From then on i never went to church...I was young lost and confused and drugs made me forget all about it and i could enjoy myself.
At about 15 i went to my first rehab for heroin...because the withdrawals almost killed me...i managed to stay clean off heroin for 3 years after that...Don't know how on earth I got that right.I was still smoking weed and drinking...taking pills and LSD on occasions...
those 3 years i spent at a music school because i couldn't show my face in a normal school...I studied Guitar and started various metal bands...I could vocal as well,singing and screaming,so allot of guys wanted me to join their bands...after the 3 years I was there,I started working for my father as a Carpenter...Fucking hated it...excuse my language...it lasted 3 months then I got fired..for lack of interest in the company,laziness and sleeping on the job...I just didn't have any motivation to do that work...
My family nagged at me to get a job,but I had no motivation whatsoever.Eventually I went to a kind of presentation thing to become a salesman.At this presentation I met a girl that i had met before.she was the guy I used to use heroin with's girl friend,they also had a child together..she was 3 years older then me but we started talking...Her boyfriend,(my friend) had died while i was in the music school.He was necklaced and his burnt body left in a field.She had to go identify him and the only way she could do this was by his piercings,witch were still in his body and face.
Me and this girl started hanging out together everyday from then on...because we felt we understood each-other..I didn't have any friends who were involved in drugs or ex drug users so i could not relate to them nor they to me...It was strictly a friendship between us.Both of us decided that we have come out of a bad relationship and we weren't ready for another...But the more we spent time together the closer we got...eventually we ended up having sex...the best sex i'd ever had i might add...We decided to be friends with benefits...We'll be good friend and also help each other out sexually...after about a month or two of this she started telling me about these feelings she is having toward me..I didn't pay too much attention to it at first,but one night in the middle of her orgasm she stuck her nails into my back and yelled,"Oh god Eduan!!! I love you" which was a shock to me Because we both agreed we wouldn't go there...but I wont lie, I had also developed feelings for her over time so this sudden "i love you" was kind of a nice shock,I asked her afterward why she had said that,and if she had meant it,or if it was just a spur of the moment thing.She said no,She's been wanting to tell me for a while and the orgasm just made it come out.
It wasn't long after that,We decided to be together...Her baby girl,3 years old at the time,really liked me and we got along well.It did bother me that she wasn't mine but the feelings I had towards Kathryn made me look past that fact.Everything seemed like it was going good,both of us had a past of drugs and death,so this change was quite nice.unfortunately both of us,subconsciously were still addicted to heroin...and all it took was for one of us to say:"baby,do you feel like doing some Thai?(what we call heroin)"for our lives to get Fucked up again.we used for about two years full fledged heroin addicts,we lived on the street allot of the time and begged sold or stole to support the habit...we wanted to get off the stuff because its really not a nice life,but every time we tried,the craving and withdrawal won...our families got fed up after two years and booked us into two separate rehabs...under no circumstances were we to be together...we didn't want this but i was under a court order and had to go there or face prison,and i dint feel like withdrawing in prison...so i agreed to get it over with so me and kathryn could get back to our lives...
The day I left we said our last goodbye's, hugged and kissed...and told each other we'd see each other soon...Only when I got to the rehab,which was a 10 hour drive from my house to the middle of nowhere in the desert I found out the rehab program was minimum a 52 week program.For those that don't know,it was a year program.The place is called Noupoort.you can Google it.its the worst rehab in south Africa.The owner has been in court numerous times on charges of mistreating patients,and also another patient died there...its believed he died because the punishment for breaking the rules there were so severe...The cage was for non'complying patients. a 3m x 3m cement room with no windows and a steel reinforced door...and the minimum days they would put someone in there was 3 days...but some of my friends had bin in there for 2-3 weeks...the only human contact u get in there is when a hand pushes your food under the door.
Every second I spent in that place was torture..its almost exactly like a Slave labor camp disguised as a rehab.Kathryn was on my mind every single minute and hour I was in there.U aren't allowed any contact from the outside world...except after 10 months if the owner deems u fit u may stay in a guest house around the block from the rehab with ur family for a weekend...I was in the rehab for 55 weeks and 3 days..because after the 52 weeks the owner deemed me unfit to leave...after another 3 weeks and 3 days i could go....I was so happy and i couldn't believe the time had come for me to see this girl again whom i had fallen so deeply in love with..but when i got home I received the worst news I've ever heard in my whole entire life.
Her parents told me.3 months after I was admitted into Noupoort,Kathryn ran away from the rehab she was in, and went home,her rehab was close to our home town...I had also tried to escape while i was in noupoort.I walked from 6am till 9pm alongside a railway track in the middle of the dessert.no food no water...only the pants i had on,my shoes and the shirt on my back...I finally found a little town,I was so exhausted.Noupoort had informed the police that one of their patients had escaped and he is under a court order they found me in the town,called Colesberg.and took me back...but anyway,her parents continued,and told me she fought with them to get her in touch with me but they told her they couldn't she started using again and overdosed...The love of my life was dead.leaving behind her mom dad brother baby girl Danica,and.......ME.i couldn't take the news and relapsed the first week after more then a year in rehab...after a few months I was so deep into using again that the withdrawals were insane...my mom got me medication(Methadone) and i started an outpatient program..where u stay at home and take medication and see a councilor once a week...Its been two years now since she died,and the worst thing is i only found out a year after she died,that whole year I couldn't get her out of my head and couldn't wait to see her..but it never happened...I don't know how to get over this and how to move on...I used to have so many friends,my phone used to ring everyday the whole day because of my friends phoning..nowadays my phone never rings...there's a song by Haste the day where he sings,"all your friends are dead and gone and you've got nothing to loose"
I still dream about Kathryn every night some nights its a wet dream,they say when u have sex with someone your souls get tied,and when Me and Kathryn had sex it was the best,most passionate,intimate sex I've ever had.
Please help me.How do I get my life back,It feels like she is haunting me every second of my conscious and subconscious life.Any replies are welcome.looking forward to hearing from my brothers and sisters of JoS.
Regards
BLoODLusT
that we shouldn't question him,just believe,witch I felt was such a stupid answer.
When I got older,at about 12 or 13,I started using drugs...weed and Heroin to be exact.They were my drugs of choice...I became goth,piercing myself everywhere I could,lips,nipples,tongue,eyebrows,ears etc.Because it felt to me that every one (Xians) were being lied to and that there was something big going on,a secret...I didn't want to be anything like them so I became the opposite...I just didn't know how to prove Xians were being lied to or where to start searching for answers...From then on i never went to church...I was young lost and confused and drugs made me forget all about it and i could enjoy myself.
At about 15 i went to my first rehab for heroin...because the withdrawals almost killed me...i managed to stay clean off heroin for 3 years after that...Don't know how on earth I got that right.I was still smoking weed and drinking...taking pills and LSD on occasions...
those 3 years i spent at a music school because i couldn't show my face in a normal school...I studied Guitar and started various metal bands...I could vocal as well,singing and screaming,so allot of guys wanted me to join their bands...after the 3 years I was there,I started working for my father as a Carpenter...Fucking hated it...excuse my language...it lasted 3 months then I got fired..for lack of interest in the company,laziness and sleeping on the job...I just didn't have any motivation to do that work...
My family nagged at me to get a job,but I had no motivation whatsoever.Eventually I went to a kind of presentation thing to become a salesman.At this presentation I met a girl that i had met before.she was the guy I used to use heroin with's girl friend,they also had a child together..she was 3 years older then me but we started talking...Her boyfriend,(my friend) had died while i was in the music school.He was necklaced and his burnt body left in a field.She had to go identify him and the only way she could do this was by his piercings,witch were still in his body and face.
Me and this girl started hanging out together everyday from then on...because we felt we understood each-other..I didn't have any friends who were involved in drugs or ex drug users so i could not relate to them nor they to me...It was strictly a friendship between us.Both of us decided that we have come out of a bad relationship and we weren't ready for another...But the more we spent time together the closer we got...eventually we ended up having sex...the best sex i'd ever had i might add...We decided to be friends with benefits...We'll be good friend and also help each other out sexually...after about a month or two of this she started telling me about these feelings she is having toward me..I didn't pay too much attention to it at first,but one night in the middle of her orgasm she stuck her nails into my back and yelled,"Oh god Eduan!!! I love you" which was a shock to me Because we both agreed we wouldn't go there...but I wont lie, I had also developed feelings for her over time so this sudden "i love you" was kind of a nice shock,I asked her afterward why she had said that,and if she had meant it,or if it was just a spur of the moment thing.She said no,She's been wanting to tell me for a while and the orgasm just made it come out.
It wasn't long after that,We decided to be together...Her baby girl,3 years old at the time,really liked me and we got along well.It did bother me that she wasn't mine but the feelings I had towards Kathryn made me look past that fact.Everything seemed like it was going good,both of us had a past of drugs and death,so this change was quite nice.unfortunately both of us,subconsciously were still addicted to heroin...and all it took was for one of us to say:"baby,do you feel like doing some Thai?(what we call heroin)"for our lives to get Fucked up again.we used for about two years full fledged heroin addicts,we lived on the street allot of the time and begged sold or stole to support the habit...we wanted to get off the stuff because its really not a nice life,but every time we tried,the craving and withdrawal won...our families got fed up after two years and booked us into two separate rehabs...under no circumstances were we to be together...we didn't want this but i was under a court order and had to go there or face prison,and i dint feel like withdrawing in prison...so i agreed to get it over with so me and kathryn could get back to our lives...
The day I left we said our last goodbye's, hugged and kissed...and told each other we'd see each other soon...Only when I got to the rehab,which was a 10 hour drive from my house to the middle of nowhere in the desert I found out the rehab program was minimum a 52 week program.For those that don't know,it was a year program.The place is called Noupoort.you can Google it.its the worst rehab in south Africa.The owner has been in court numerous times on charges of mistreating patients,and also another patient died there...its believed he died because the punishment for breaking the rules there were so severe...The cage was for non'complying patients. a 3m x 3m cement room with no windows and a steel reinforced door...and the minimum days they would put someone in there was 3 days...but some of my friends had bin in there for 2-3 weeks...the only human contact u get in there is when a hand pushes your food under the door.
Every second I spent in that place was torture..its almost exactly like a Slave labor camp disguised as a rehab.Kathryn was on my mind every single minute and hour I was in there.U aren't allowed any contact from the outside world...except after 10 months if the owner deems u fit u may stay in a guest house around the block from the rehab with ur family for a weekend...I was in the rehab for 55 weeks and 3 days..because after the 52 weeks the owner deemed me unfit to leave...after another 3 weeks and 3 days i could go....I was so happy and i couldn't believe the time had come for me to see this girl again whom i had fallen so deeply in love with..but when i got home I received the worst news I've ever heard in my whole entire life.
Her parents told me.3 months after I was admitted into Noupoort,Kathryn ran away from the rehab she was in, and went home,her rehab was close to our home town...I had also tried to escape while i was in noupoort.I walked from 6am till 9pm alongside a railway track in the middle of the dessert.no food no water...only the pants i had on,my shoes and the shirt on my back...I finally found a little town,I was so exhausted.Noupoort had informed the police that one of their patients had escaped and he is under a court order they found me in the town,called Colesberg.and took me back...but anyway,her parents continued,and told me she fought with them to get her in touch with me but they told her they couldn't she started using again and overdosed...The love of my life was dead.leaving behind her mom dad brother baby girl Danica,and.......ME.i couldn't take the news and relapsed the first week after more then a year in rehab...after a few months I was so deep into using again that the withdrawals were insane...my mom got me medication(Methadone) and i started an outpatient program..where u stay at home and take medication and see a councilor once a week...Its been two years now since she died,and the worst thing is i only found out a year after she died,that whole year I couldn't get her out of my head and couldn't wait to see her..but it never happened...I don't know how to get over this and how to move on...I used to have so many friends,my phone used to ring everyday the whole day because of my friends phoning..nowadays my phone never rings...there's a song by Haste the day where he sings,"all your friends are dead and gone and you've got nothing to loose"
I still dream about Kathryn every night some nights its a wet dream,they say when u have sex with someone your souls get tied,and when Me and Kathryn had sex it was the best,most passionate,intimate sex I've ever had.
Please help me.How do I get my life back,It feels like she is haunting me every second of my conscious and subconscious life.Any replies are welcome.looking forward to hearing from my brothers and sisters of JoS.
Regards
BLoODLusT
