I have failed my wife.

[Asra]

What advice do you have then? [...]

Since it was requested, I will list my advice below. I didn't include it as people are already offended by as much as naming reality, calling it harsh, or excessively judgmental, since you stress exact wording.

Up to the point of this reply I'm quoting, nobody has said it's "not a problem", nor that it's "not a big deal", nor has anybody encouraged cheating that I can see. I wonder if you were cheated on in the past so this is a sensitive subject for you.

If you insist on clarity, there was a member who called a handjob nothing and leaving over it hysterical. Others did not use these exact words, but the undertone is clear.

I was thankfully not cheated on. I addressed a topic with the gravity it deserves. You are going ad hominem as an attempt to discredit me. I'll let you know it's visible, and that if we go there, I could also assume all people who were not as "harsh" are cheating on their spouse. But you don't see me naming members.

Now, to OP: first of all, I'd say acknowledge and accept this grave mistake as well as the potential divorce as a consequence to one's actions. Don't waste time trying to salvage broken relationships that will be hurtful on both ends and look forced to the children who will be witnessing it and might involuntarily replicate it when they become adults. This is freeing in a way, because the incompatibilities between you are essentially solved, and now you are both able to find partners better suited to you, sexually and otherwise. Before future relationships, I say go for a period of working on the porn addiction, and when dating, be upfront about your expectations, especially sexual, from the beginning. Despite a possible end of the relationship, you are still the children's father, and I think you should be present in their life. If it works for you logistically, you could ask for dual custody. If this can't be achieved, make sure they spend holidays at your place, or have them visit every time possible as per the judge's arrangements. Make sure to pay the child support, it's proof of your involvement in case family members try to alienate the children from you. Children might not be aware of the details (their age also factors), but they will remember whether you fought to see them, and they can be shown proof of the payments when they are older.

 

[Recycler1337]

Something inside me tells me you'll get back together. It's not even outright cheating. She needs to show you she won't accept this in the future, to put pressure on you. Try to get her back after some time; I think there's every chance.

 

[Voice of Enki [SG]]

The relationship was already fatally wounded due to the sexual incompatibility which was present beforehand; this event with the massage parlor was just an outward manifestation of that.

Sexual incompatibility in long term relations where this did not exist prior is also in 99% of cases merely an outward manifestation of deeper rooted unspoken problems in a relationship.

This is very important to recognize. This action at the massage parlor is an escalation of these unspoken problems.

Of course, if it has been building for years, resolving it can be very difficult. This is why people must understand to recognize problems when they are small, and resolve them early on when they are easy to resolve.

However, often times these kinds of things are still not very difficult to resolve if there can be a mutual understanding, communication and openness to each other between partners, before someone makes an impulsive irreconcilable mistake.

They have had children together. They were sweethearts in school.

Deep love certainly existed at one point, however many things have gone wrong to completely shatter this over time, clearly not because his wife "suddenly" became disinterested in the man she had fallen in love with and had children with, while sharing much of her life together.

 

[Voice of Enki [SG]]

It's so weak.. leaving your husband for a handjob. Sorry I just think it's hysterical. In certain countries people are way rougher than that.

You call it weak to leave over this. I consider it weak to cling to someone who doesn't value you or the life you have dedicated to them.

One must talk before doing this. Not after.

Otherwise it is a complete betrayal of the trust that was given and established.

People can make their own choices, and have their own reasons for continuing on together and making something work. Sometimes it is successful.

For some people, there is no worse betrayal than this. Don't try this to a partner with a strong Scorpio or Capricorn for example.

10 years of relationship and such a lack of communication that it resorts to this... That is a real tragedy, and weakness.

 

[MT Kim]

Something inside me tells me you'll get back together. It's not even outright cheating.

It is cheating though, in my opinion. If we consider cheating to be sexual betrayal, by definition this was it. He fulfilled a sexual need from someone else behind the wife's back without telling her. Any other context of betrayal like in mafia type circles gets a finger cut off or something right? I don't understand the double standard when it comes to sexual betrayal or why it's not seen as serious.

I think it's very easy to ask a spouse their opinion about an open marriage, to gauge a response about experiencing promiscuity. He didn't even respect her enough to simply ask her. I wouldn't get back with him

 

[Henu the Great]

Something inside me tells me you'll get back together. It's not even outright cheating. She needs to show you she won't accept this in the future, to put pressure on you. Try to get her back after some time; I think there's every chance.

Clearly it is evident that there is a huge gap in what people see as loyalty and trust. To others, this very much is irrevocable. I can only speculate if this is actual difference in nature, or lack of progress in that particular area.

 

[nema]

You call it weak to leave over this. I consider it weak to cling to someone who doesn't value you or the life you have dedicated to them.

One must talk before doing this. Not after.

Otherwise it is a complete betrayal of the trust that was given and established.

People can make their own choices, and have their own reasons for continuing on together and making something work. Sometimes it is successful.

For some people, there is no worse betrayal than this. Don't try this to a partner with a strong Scorpio or Capricorn for example.

10 years of relationship and such a lack of communication that it resorts to this... That is a real tragedy, and weakness.

Well i have to be honest, i'm probably the worst person on Earth to talk about this stuff. That's how i feel about it but i know less about relationships than you guys.