Man, I dedicated in 2013/14 time, and I have hardly 'done' anything half-decent. What I've had is coincidences, one dream-like event where I knew I was lying on one side while asleep to wake up and see myself lying on that side which I think might have been a very brief OoBE (which was very brief, because it turned back into a dream very quickly) with sleep paralysis thrown in, and seeing a blue blob, dot or splodge after doing THOTH (I think it was) 4 times per day for 4 days in a row.
I have hardly ever "fit-in" anywhere, either (from the list of things you mentioned as examples). You're not insane. If you was, we wouldn't have heard from you and you would have been in a lot of trouble, either legally and/or medically...or worse. We need to focus on other things, not just Spiritual things. There needs to be a balance between things. I play computer games, watch programmes/films, go on the Internet a lot. In other words, I do a lot of non-Spiritual things - more or less about as much as I have ever done, since before 2013/14. We're not in bootcamp and being called girls or worms; we run our own lives. No-one is forcing you to do only this or only that - well, maybe you yourself are, but no-one else is. As Sun, I think you need to use more Sun, rather than Water (if I am not mistaken, that Water is obsession (ISA Rune, for example)). Using Runes/other vibrationally-raisable Sun Energies.
You can't fight for Satan if you injure your muscles or tear your ligaments, can you? You'd be useless to Satan, yourself and each person, on this Planet and other Planets, in this Cause. Did you build a rocket to Moon, Mars or More before learning how to?
The future is not set in stone. It is fluidic. In one sense, there is always worry about the future - but that's the perspective we choose to stand in - that's the angle we choose to look at things. We cannot force the future easily, and without having a larger view of events, timeliness, possibilities, prospects, etc., we can fortell only so much - we can force the future a bit, but with currently-limited abilities, a spanner could be thrown into the works which we didn't know would happen. Have you played computer games - RTSs? There can be micromanaging, having to research different things - but before that, getting the resources - to be able to improve and make our prospects much stronger.
I know what I'm about to say is easier said than done - believe me, I know - buuuut - forget about that attack. Say, "OK. Fine. I'm a Yehubor", whether you are or are not, and just get on with meditating and the things which you do, plus more things if need-be. Like I said in another reply recently, a particular number I keep seeing all the fecking time, which includes other numbers which add up to it if I do that like in Numerology. It can be in peoples' posts/replies, post counts, usernames, other random places... sometimes similar words which are relevant to that thing
just happen to be so coincidentally highlighted to me unexpectedly - but what I also said is that regardless of all of these annoying, and nearly frustrating, pieces of shit, seeing them all the time, it makes no difference in what that number has come to represent in my life; seeing the number (and words related to it) or not seeing them makes no increase nor decrease in events happening or not happening. All it does is wind me up and twist my thinking into more OCD and obsession shit (and why not - autism). Whether it happens or it does not happen, it makes 0 difference. I think you need to move your focus elsewhere. This might not be easy, but you should do it because the best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago; otherwise, you'll still be upset about these things in 10 years and that's shit in and of itself.
I also understand about controlling one's own thoughts. I forgot if I mentioned this before or not, but the church I used to go to, the very first meeting I attended was regarding controlling your own thoughts. I dare say that sometimes, we might need to be a bit christian-like in our approach to things sometimes - just sort of "jump-up" in yourself (and Physically, if necessary), behave as you would when you recieve a revelation, a realisation about something - "Ohhh, yeaaaah! Of course!" - that type of attitude, behaviour and gullibility (allow yourself to be a bit gullible in positivity for you) instead of stubborn and closed-minded to negative things. Indeed - see and do the improvement, instead of seeing and trying to not-do the detriment/deterioration. Instead of trying to waft millions of flies away from coming into your home, simply close the windows and doors.
While you might have been falling behind - remember all I have 'advanced' in is as I said above. Numerous users have said more or less similar things. Really, I think for some, there needs to be a bit of "blind-faith" in Spiritual advancement sometimes - but obviously not letting it go over-the-top and too far.
"Fast cars and faster women" appeals to probably most people who see these things, I expect. Like I have said before - there are cool things about Spirituality - telekinesis, pyrokinesis, telepathy, other -kinesese, levitation, etc. - and there are important things about Spirituality - survival/living/thriving, healing, immortality, improving community/civilisation, cleaning up the Planet and further out... Wherever one starts, it's still Spirituality, but why limit yourself to only the cool things or to only the important things? As there needs to be a balance between Spirituality and Physicality, there also might need, for some, to be a balance between the cool and important aspects of Spirituality, as well.
You know who your Guardian is. Good for you. I don't. I wonder if I have one. I suspect, based on how my life has been and who I am, etc., that I did some horrible, bad things in one or more previous lives, so this life is a punishment/cleansing (Saturnine, I expect) life for me - if Satan surely will reward us in one of the Worlds, then surely He could also punish us in one of the Worlds, as well, if He decides to. Depending on one's perspective, the best or worst part about that is not knowing if it is indeed a punishment or not - or maybe that is a part of the punishment itself. Perhaps it is not a punishment at all, and it is just the cards life (by which I mean Astrology/the Planets) have dealt me, and it has been difficult to get hardly anywhere not only in life in general but also get hardly anywhere in life since Spirituality, and also get hardly anywhere in Spirituality. I don't watch the j/news that much (and in fact, at the time I am typing this, I actually need to finish-off my In the Beyond-Retarded j/news Recently thread, actually..., because I still have some stuff waiting for that...) because the j/news is either depressing or just shit and annoying. I am not into this type of programme, but I might actually dare myself to watch The Real Wives of... or Keeping up With the jewdassians, or something else, some other shit, deliberately. We might need to flush our Minds out with some shit media for a little while, instead of peddling on hard gear constantly.
You don't have to tell me or answer it to anyone, but have you done money workings? Now might or might not be the best time to do them. With the plandemic of con-ronavirus, apparently jobs are being lost, so that might make it a lot easier for when the time is right to get a decent job. From what has been said, there might be another lockdown for months, so why not do a money working from the next decent date (you'll have to check the SS Calendar) and do it for the equivalent of 40 x ? days. If the lockdown lasts until April, then from today you could do about 4 40-day workings until them - as usual, once you get the results wanted, then continuing afterwards might be a waste of time.
To chill your Mind out a bit, I recommend playing Sins of a Solar Empire, or later games in the series. There are 3 factions on there, one being "Spiritual", and another being more Warrior-like. With that, you should see what I meant about processes and things, and also between fighting as or against the Spiritual faction, and fighting as or against the Warrior faction, that might also give you some understanding. Maybe play some magic and potions-y games (you'd have to find them yourself), and have ideas of what "Spirituality" is like in them. At least with this, you'd be playing computer games, which is a Physical thing, instead of burning yourself out and trying to run on the fumes of Spirituality; likewise, do play other RTS games, where you have to acquire resources, and try and build things to unlock other things to unlock more things, etc., in order to kill the enemy - in that, you should realise that we can''t always go full-throttle; hence having to raise Energies, until we are able to use our Minds and Souls to do the things we want and need to do. You must gather X, Y and Z resources - and if X resource is not being gathered quickly-enough, then you need to focus on that a bit more. It's like micromanaging - and I try and sometimes think of Spirituality in this sense, of micromanaging, doing things in a process, maybe too logically but I love RTS games so it works for me.
Of course, if you play RTS games already, then you should understand this already, or perhaps hadn't thought of it quite in this way before; if you hate or are shit at RTS games, then maybe still give them a try. I wanted to make a video of me playing a mobile phone app game, which sort of can explain things in a similar way, in terms of Us versus (((them))), about the fight between us, the movement of troops (either literally or figuratively), where you have to acquire a number of units to send out to another area to conquer it, but make sure your areas are well-protected; otherwise...! I haven't played the game in ages, but I think it's a good game, and I haven't recorded my gameplay. (I am not going for gold-medal game-playing, by the way! I play a games a lot but I don't think I am all that good at them; I doubt I'd make it onto the top 10 000 leaderboard on any particular game!) This app game is called Starlink, which you can find on jewgle play. It's not as sophisticated as a computer game, but it's still good in its own way. With this, you might be able to understand a bit of, well... strategy (sort of) but I mean in terms of real-life events of Us versus (((them))) and how when we do this, (((they))) do that which causes us to have to move here, which then makes (((them))) move there, etc... In this game, there are other things which you can use to give you a boost - say, in-real-life, Runes are one of these 'abilities' or 'boosts', and RtRs are other 'abilities' or 'boosts'.
Alternatively, if you want and need the non-Spiritual focus for a while, then perhaps play these games, and/or others, and ignore any translateable things in them. Spirituality can be ignored or lessened for a bit so as to help you with your balancing. Take the greys, from what has been said - their heads are large and bulbous, but their mouths are small and atrophied.
You should do things which benefit you both Physically and Spiritually. If you want or need to attract prospects, then certainly do so. Others may disagree, but you entirely can do workings to get a job and either a fuckfriend and/or a lovefriend. Once you see, think and feel much better with that, or while you are seeing, thinking and feeling much better with that, then you can work on your Soul and advancement. It was said recently that a healthy sex life is very important to advancement.
It has been said by numerous members that they have had to start again, going back to basics. If you reckon that that would help, then I wouldn't say to not do it. Perhaps for most people, it is necessary. Similarly to one system of how school education works, we go through certain levels of learning in early school years, and later on we re-visit those and expand upon them in later school years.
One recommendation I was going to give you was to go to stupid.com. I didn't know if it existed or not, but it doesn't seem to. If it did, I was going to say to see what stupid stuff is on there. If you are able to, watch -
- Rude Tube (it's not "rude"; it's just a TV programme about viral videos and clips),
- You've Been Framed,
- Candid Camera,
- Trigger Happy TV,
- Spitting Image (which has returned/is about to return),
- B-film horrors,
- something shit which you don't like,
- cheesy stuff, whether you like or dislike cheesiness,
- Titanic and cry at the fake story at the end, realising it was a real-life event,
- Calendar Girls and possibly puke your guts up (I haven't seen it, so I am only guessing)
go onto youtube and go into the paranormal/nonsense side of it and watch some stuff on there; watch Paranormal Investigation (I haven't seen this, but you know...), 6th Sense with Colin Fry (I haven't seen this either); I dare you to be a Brony for a few minutes and watch My Little Pony, etc., etc., etc.
You don't want to go overboard with things. If you try and lift weights which are too heavy for you too many times, you will - again - rip your muscles, and not in the good way, and you will be useless, not a warrior. I think not just on 'this path' but in anything, we can get too involved with it, and forget or neglect other things. If you are in a car or motorbike race and you don't refuel and repair, then you'll just fall to bits and then be a danger to other racers on the track/road/path. I'd say to start again - even if it is not the first time that you've started again. I'd also say to do some or all of the things I mentioned, as well.
