eatslotsamuffins
New member
- Joined
- May 26, 2008
- Messages
- 0
Dear Sisters and Brothers,
I'm writing this in dire need of some sort of answer or direction, and have less than 36 hours to act on any kind of advice you may have to give. My last [hopefully not..never give up on hope
] and only wish is that you might lend your eyes to my words, and give your piece. I have been betrayed and exposed rather recently, with great consequence, so with much respect to every one of you, here goes nothing.
About 2 weeks ago, my dear mother confronted me over something she found whilst "cleaning" in my younger brother's room. An old journal i had previously thought to be destroyed or in my keep of archives that are kept under lock and key for many a good reason. Anyways, she had admitted to opening it to see what it was, allegedly (though i love her, she can be nosy), and discovered two things about me a few extremely select people know.
Rewinding a bit so the conclusion makes sense, my early high school years were the ones i had rebelled against my xian parents' beliefs, to become an atheist with the hope of reading all religions and making my own philosophy from what i deemed to fit me best...then I had discovered the JoS website. I remember how everything started to make sense, and that the future seemed exciting, and couldn't wait to dedicate myself and begin my journey!
This is where the story takes a turn.
The years that passed, a midst experiencing real love, exploring myself + reality, travelling etc, my life was subtly and slowly changing for the worst. Depression, numbness, self-destructive tendencies, among other things and above all not caring...most notably about Spiritual Satanism. In fact, and this is the scary part, my journal entries (I've always logged anything interesting that wasn't homework, part of who i am) from that year mention attempting but never following through with even a standard ritual. Instead, I had the displeasure to read about experiences that i can't imagine, don't remember at all, and if it wasn't traumatic enough, resemble enemy entities warned about on the website all this started with (Joy of Satan).
Only a few months ago my now ex girlfriend had divined who and what i am, which aligned perfectly to what my dreams of the future with Father Satan had been way back when...then i almost fell off the bed from that moment!! I remembered something that seemed so foreign yet incredibly warm, and some memories since the crazy times started bubbling up. It felt so amazing to do what begin thinking normally again, until I figured out what i had lost before i found it. Not unlike de-thawing or gaining consciousness in a pool of my own blood, the more i dug around for answers, the more disturbing results i found.
Feeling like self-clarity was returning, i began enjoying life again between rebuilding it and gathering the tools i needed to plug in my soul to the one we all know created it, albeit in secret. Rough times had me back in my parent's place, who are mellow xians still with two un-corrupted younger brothers... unwavering in my new lease on life, but keeping my goal under the radar...until what happened yesterday. This is the kicker:
My mother had gone to a priest, who apparently was a stand-in for some regular thumper-nut. She explained that it was for marriage counselling, which i have no problem with, as we agreed to talk peacefully about religious issues, or not at all way before any of this weird stuff happened. Case and point, she mentioned the two facts discovered weeks ago that i had tried with all my power to confine to just my parents...mainly, that the passage mentions me being conscious of the fact that I've been identified as a half breed, and that i was raped on two occasions as a kid, one of them being at a church (go figure, right?).
My mother called with this horrendous news yesterday afternoon, and i had been ill like nothing I've ever experienced the day before, though its slowed into more intense, putrid, and familiar set of symptoms like inability to rationalize simple actions, infuriatingly thick fog over my mind, guilt over obvious hypocrisy, and a general feeling i'm losing control. Something definitely changed for the worse, and i feel powerless when i know it simply isn't true. There are others, but its become increasingly painful to concentrate.
I trust these people like i'd trust a zombie with my brain, and i was forced to sit with this 'person'. He gave me an ultimatum that i can either be saved or he'll do everything he can to get separate me from my family because its "destroying them and you're going down a very bad road", from behind proud/dead eyes. Also banish me from the town, but even though i don't really fear much, what underlies is the unknown. I get sick once every year at best, but after the meeting this morning i surprised myself.
I can't drag this on any longer, and itss happening agin. I read that i cant' od the initiation twic, so if i dontknow ffor sure if i did (my guess is n o)0, please, please give me any advic e you can on what ritual/workin g etc. i can do, a one shot chanc for a foothold or somke respite at least so i can carry o n whattttt i starrted. i apologize forr not edting, this is getting difficullt to fighhttt. i willl never submit to their delusions, and i have only one wish, its tyo finally join hells legionns andd be gone with thier bullSH*8Tttt. i have untiil frtiday mornibg, thn ??? il retur m in 12ishj hrs hopefu0fsgy gfsa thank u wiith allogme
HAIL SATAN!!!
-sinc. 49-
I'm writing this in dire need of some sort of answer or direction, and have less than 36 hours to act on any kind of advice you may have to give. My last [hopefully not..never give up on hope
] and only wish is that you might lend your eyes to my words, and give your piece. I have been betrayed and exposed rather recently, with great consequence, so with much respect to every one of you, here goes nothing.About 2 weeks ago, my dear mother confronted me over something she found whilst "cleaning" in my younger brother's room. An old journal i had previously thought to be destroyed or in my keep of archives that are kept under lock and key for many a good reason. Anyways, she had admitted to opening it to see what it was, allegedly (though i love her, she can be nosy), and discovered two things about me a few extremely select people know.
Rewinding a bit so the conclusion makes sense, my early high school years were the ones i had rebelled against my xian parents' beliefs, to become an atheist with the hope of reading all religions and making my own philosophy from what i deemed to fit me best...then I had discovered the JoS website. I remember how everything started to make sense, and that the future seemed exciting, and couldn't wait to dedicate myself and begin my journey!
This is where the story takes a turn.
The years that passed, a midst experiencing real love, exploring myself + reality, travelling etc, my life was subtly and slowly changing for the worst. Depression, numbness, self-destructive tendencies, among other things and above all not caring...most notably about Spiritual Satanism. In fact, and this is the scary part, my journal entries (I've always logged anything interesting that wasn't homework, part of who i am) from that year mention attempting but never following through with even a standard ritual. Instead, I had the displeasure to read about experiences that i can't imagine, don't remember at all, and if it wasn't traumatic enough, resemble enemy entities warned about on the website all this started with (Joy of Satan).
Only a few months ago my now ex girlfriend had divined who and what i am, which aligned perfectly to what my dreams of the future with Father Satan had been way back when...then i almost fell off the bed from that moment!! I remembered something that seemed so foreign yet incredibly warm, and some memories since the crazy times started bubbling up. It felt so amazing to do what begin thinking normally again, until I figured out what i had lost before i found it. Not unlike de-thawing or gaining consciousness in a pool of my own blood, the more i dug around for answers, the more disturbing results i found.
Feeling like self-clarity was returning, i began enjoying life again between rebuilding it and gathering the tools i needed to plug in my soul to the one we all know created it, albeit in secret. Rough times had me back in my parent's place, who are mellow xians still with two un-corrupted younger brothers... unwavering in my new lease on life, but keeping my goal under the radar...until what happened yesterday. This is the kicker:
My mother had gone to a priest, who apparently was a stand-in for some regular thumper-nut. She explained that it was for marriage counselling, which i have no problem with, as we agreed to talk peacefully about religious issues, or not at all way before any of this weird stuff happened. Case and point, she mentioned the two facts discovered weeks ago that i had tried with all my power to confine to just my parents...mainly, that the passage mentions me being conscious of the fact that I've been identified as a half breed, and that i was raped on two occasions as a kid, one of them being at a church (go figure, right?).
My mother called with this horrendous news yesterday afternoon, and i had been ill like nothing I've ever experienced the day before, though its slowed into more intense, putrid, and familiar set of symptoms like inability to rationalize simple actions, infuriatingly thick fog over my mind, guilt over obvious hypocrisy, and a general feeling i'm losing control. Something definitely changed for the worse, and i feel powerless when i know it simply isn't true. There are others, but its become increasingly painful to concentrate.
I trust these people like i'd trust a zombie with my brain, and i was forced to sit with this 'person'. He gave me an ultimatum that i can either be saved or he'll do everything he can to get separate me from my family because its "destroying them and you're going down a very bad road", from behind proud/dead eyes. Also banish me from the town, but even though i don't really fear much, what underlies is the unknown. I get sick once every year at best, but after the meeting this morning i surprised myself.
I can't drag this on any longer, and itss happening agin. I read that i cant' od the initiation twic, so if i dontknow ffor sure if i did (my guess is n o)0, please, please give me any advic e you can on what ritual/workin g etc. i can do, a one shot chanc for a foothold or somke respite at least so i can carry o n whattttt i starrted. i apologize forr not edting, this is getting difficullt to fighhttt. i willl never submit to their delusions, and i have only one wish, its tyo finally join hells legionns andd be gone with thier bullSH*8Tttt. i have untiil frtiday mornibg, thn ??? il retur m in 12ishj hrs hopefu0fsgy gfsa thank u wiith allogme
HAIL SATAN!!!
-sinc. 49-
