DarkAries
Member
- Joined
- May 16, 2019
- Messages
- 344
Greetings!
So... sorry for writing this, it will be raw, long, sometikes evil and bitter, and mostly just ranting. I try to write down my problem as precise as I can. I try to stay away from self hatred, but its not the easiest. Still, I trusth some can provide me an answer, that can hold even in the worst cases.
As some of you know, in july 2023, I got diagnosed with type one diabetes, which is uncurable, and require a lot of insulin every day. I was hopeful at the start that Ill be the one who fix it, but all I got just failures. Even after all of my efforts, all medical things downgrade just as fast as it would be for the lowest anthropod. I know, I could try to fix it with other techniques, maybe it will work, have faith and be positive, but its crushing my spirit, with every failure screaming that I failed. This, alone makes me feel miserable, but its not the most problematic part.
So, self critique. I strongly belive that all problems should either be fixed and healed or destroyed. I overall dont think every humans worth some. If you have over billions of something, its lose its value, its quality, and only the quantity seems to matter. We all should perfect ourselves, why waste time on something broken then? Instead of fixing the broken, helping the damaged get back to zero, you could make the strong and flawless even better, even stronger, a better human being.
I couldnt heal diabetes just yet. Even for getting it, I saw as I failed. The fact, that I would literally die without a daily medicine is just beyond shameful. I dint see it as some 'great human technological succes'. Just keeping alive something, that should have been dead by nature, and oh how far humanity strayed from nature! I see it s something that cant survive on its own isnt worthy for existing. Humanity made a lot of waste. For examble, chihuahuas are shameful parodies of the wolves, and they would just cease to exist if humans wouldnt take care of them.
The fact that others got it worse, or that others with way bigger health issues live a 'fulfilling and happy' life feels a miserable excuse. Something the weaks tells to themselves, to mke themselves feel better. Fulfilling and happy life is nothing. Even perfection would be just the first step in our path, something only for the best of the best, just the top 1 percent, or even top 0,8 percent of humanity. And this case, me getting diabetes, it doesnt make any sense for me. Its been years, but I still dont see it any better, dont see the reason or any of the order on it. What horrendous crime should have I been commited to deserve it, yet I havent done such. Or why I havent healed it yet? At least a small succes, a small increase in cpeptid number(which directly shows how much beta cells and own insulin you have), but I repeat, so far it decreased as it is written for the doctors, like it would decrease for any of the lowest antropod. Arent there a million, billion more, who would have been deserve it!? Yet it happened with me, from all existence. I dont see how it could happen...
Just why? Havent I fought all of my young years? Havent I sacrificed a lot of my free times to train and advance myself? Havent I did RTRs with the motivation of a bloodthirty warrior, every single day? Havent I did all I could, to try to show the truth to others!? Just why... why this shit happened to me. It makes no bloody sense. Fuck, my whole reason tonstay alive when I got diagnosed(and not overreacting I nearly died at the hospital) was that there were still havey RTRs, and I wanted to fight. That was my whole reason to live. Fight, and destroy the jews. Kill my enemies. Repaying all that they have done to us. Sure, building a divine world from our planet, but that wasnt my reason. And humans near their death shows their true side.
Yes, I can find some positive sides on it, telling it will make me stronger, but no. Nothing, I have achived, came from this sickness, and all would have been achived sooner, better or with less time/energy without it.
I could see how we could view modern medicines as a gift from the gods, even my insulin as a gift to keep me alive, but its miserable to know that Im forced to this. I see that as Im no lomger strong enough to survive on my own. Something broken, thats still being kept alive because it have use.
I know how I sound like, I know. I try to stay positive, but truth is, I never have answers for these. And things dont seem to be better without having something to answer for these, something to live for. I run the same circles, same fucking mental lows, whiches I can never get better. Just I get over it for a while after a few weeks, or days. Getting cpeptid back to zero, to healthy would be equal of regrowing a lost limb, as I said somewhen early in this year. I dont know anyone, even godlike humans who ever achived something like that. Maybe Asclepios, but He was literally a Demigod, while he walked the earth. What chance I have then.
So... sorry for this long and angry yapping. I meant not to provoke, just writing out my most honest. It might be bad and maybe I shouldnt have, since most of it has already been said, but I feel like I have to.
Hail Zeus!
So... sorry for writing this, it will be raw, long, sometikes evil and bitter, and mostly just ranting. I try to write down my problem as precise as I can. I try to stay away from self hatred, but its not the easiest. Still, I trusth some can provide me an answer, that can hold even in the worst cases.
As some of you know, in july 2023, I got diagnosed with type one diabetes, which is uncurable, and require a lot of insulin every day. I was hopeful at the start that Ill be the one who fix it, but all I got just failures. Even after all of my efforts, all medical things downgrade just as fast as it would be for the lowest anthropod. I know, I could try to fix it with other techniques, maybe it will work, have faith and be positive, but its crushing my spirit, with every failure screaming that I failed. This, alone makes me feel miserable, but its not the most problematic part.
So, self critique. I strongly belive that all problems should either be fixed and healed or destroyed. I overall dont think every humans worth some. If you have over billions of something, its lose its value, its quality, and only the quantity seems to matter. We all should perfect ourselves, why waste time on something broken then? Instead of fixing the broken, helping the damaged get back to zero, you could make the strong and flawless even better, even stronger, a better human being.
I couldnt heal diabetes just yet. Even for getting it, I saw as I failed. The fact, that I would literally die without a daily medicine is just beyond shameful. I dint see it as some 'great human technological succes'. Just keeping alive something, that should have been dead by nature, and oh how far humanity strayed from nature! I see it s something that cant survive on its own isnt worthy for existing. Humanity made a lot of waste. For examble, chihuahuas are shameful parodies of the wolves, and they would just cease to exist if humans wouldnt take care of them.
The fact that others got it worse, or that others with way bigger health issues live a 'fulfilling and happy' life feels a miserable excuse. Something the weaks tells to themselves, to mke themselves feel better. Fulfilling and happy life is nothing. Even perfection would be just the first step in our path, something only for the best of the best, just the top 1 percent, or even top 0,8 percent of humanity. And this case, me getting diabetes, it doesnt make any sense for me. Its been years, but I still dont see it any better, dont see the reason or any of the order on it. What horrendous crime should have I been commited to deserve it, yet I havent done such. Or why I havent healed it yet? At least a small succes, a small increase in cpeptid number(which directly shows how much beta cells and own insulin you have), but I repeat, so far it decreased as it is written for the doctors, like it would decrease for any of the lowest antropod. Arent there a million, billion more, who would have been deserve it!? Yet it happened with me, from all existence. I dont see how it could happen...
Just why? Havent I fought all of my young years? Havent I sacrificed a lot of my free times to train and advance myself? Havent I did RTRs with the motivation of a bloodthirty warrior, every single day? Havent I did all I could, to try to show the truth to others!? Just why... why this shit happened to me. It makes no bloody sense. Fuck, my whole reason tonstay alive when I got diagnosed(and not overreacting I nearly died at the hospital) was that there were still havey RTRs, and I wanted to fight. That was my whole reason to live. Fight, and destroy the jews. Kill my enemies. Repaying all that they have done to us. Sure, building a divine world from our planet, but that wasnt my reason. And humans near their death shows their true side.
Yes, I can find some positive sides on it, telling it will make me stronger, but no. Nothing, I have achived, came from this sickness, and all would have been achived sooner, better or with less time/energy without it.
I could see how we could view modern medicines as a gift from the gods, even my insulin as a gift to keep me alive, but its miserable to know that Im forced to this. I see that as Im no lomger strong enough to survive on my own. Something broken, thats still being kept alive because it have use.
I know how I sound like, I know. I try to stay positive, but truth is, I never have answers for these. And things dont seem to be better without having something to answer for these, something to live for. I run the same circles, same fucking mental lows, whiches I can never get better. Just I get over it for a while after a few weeks, or days. Getting cpeptid back to zero, to healthy would be equal of regrowing a lost limb, as I said somewhen early in this year. I dont know anyone, even godlike humans who ever achived something like that. Maybe Asclepios, but He was literally a Demigod, while he walked the earth. What chance I have then.
So... sorry for this long and angry yapping. I meant not to provoke, just writing out my most honest. It might be bad and maybe I shouldnt have, since most of it has already been said, but I feel like I have to.
Hail Zeus!
