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Give up or die, I don't know. I'm tired.

AvatarVeron3 min to read

I'm not going to play the victim, since I've made mistakes too.

I don't speak English well either, and I'm a man; I don't know why the translator attributes feminine features to me. Keep that in mind when you read this.

Life has hit me hard, like so many others. But, damn it, it doesn't give me a break.

My illness, my physical condition, and now my most powerful weapon, "my mind and my will," are terribly weak. I argued with my family, or rather, with my ex-family, because they belittled me, disrespected me, and, above all, minimized all my pain, repeating that damn phrase: "Just suck it up!" as if enduring three damn years of unbearable stomach pain every day was nothing.

I discovered I had severe dysbiosis, SIBO, and a wound on my stomach that, luckily, I managed to heal.

I haven't left the house in three damn years. I was bedridden for almost three years, moving for only 15 or 30 minutes a day. When I started to recover and reintroduce new foods, I thought I was getting better. How naive! I did yoga and tore a muscle in my lower abdomen, about three finger-widths below my navel.

Because of this, I haven't been able to meditate. As soon as I try to meditate, or even think about it, or simply hold my breath, it hurts terribly. It slows my digestion and gives me terrible constipation.

Nine months without meditating. I hate it.

A few weeks ago, I was seeing the numbers of the gods, specifically "666" or "66," sometimes "77." Now I see nothing. I feel nothing.

Now that I'm a damned parasite, they don't need me anymore?

I participated in the war back then, doing my bit because I was a teenager and had to do it in secret. I helped for a long time. And now that I'm useless, have they thrown me away?

I don't know what to think. I know I'm wrong about some things, but all I feel is hatred and resentment. But against whom? Against my family? Against the gods? Against myself?

We all have our problems, that's why I didn't want to comment here and ask for... help? Advice? Most of the comments are from old people (no offense), they just tell me the typical "Meditate and go to the section on such and such a topic," I've seen it so many times.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, I feel like deleting everything.

I just want to give up, go to sleep, and for it all to be over. Maybe, just maybe, that way I'll find some peace and this pain will finally end.

#1
This is the targeted message.

Hello. If you've been bedridden for so long, then start with normal light exercise, such as walking. You can find guides online for building up your basic strength from there. You need to get your blood moving and muscles activating. Start with 5 minutes a few times a day, and work up.

Yoga does heal and strengthen, but if you've been bedridden you need to have basic strength first to then do yoga.

And you definitely need to get out of the house. Never leaving the house is very bad for mental health. It's also bad for the brain, our eyes need to look at distance and experience the passing of scenery. Walking also helps with digestion.

As for no longer seeing numbers associated with the Gods, they don't keep giving signs. They give a few and then we are supposed to remember it.

#2

In addition to what High Priestess Lydia Coventina said, if you're somewhat bound to bed rest, then I'm assuming you have a lot of time to keep your mind engaged.

Use this time to study the Temple of Zeus. Use it to learn something new, or to write.

The Gods haven't abandoned you. There's a tendency to project how we feel about ourselves onto others. I know you're feeling low, but that doesn't mean the Gods think of you as low.

Not everyone's challenges are the same. Some of us come here with more or less baggage. However, we're all going in the same direction.

#3

Definitely unfortunate to deal with one thing after another in the same area, indeed. No disputing that. I agree with high Priestess, get out of the house into nature, fresh air, sunshine, get any movement you can. That is a great starting point,you can do this and hopefully the worst is behind you and you can move forward in focusing on positive next steps 🚶‍♂️ 👍

#4

Others have provided practical steps to get going. I am going to leave a link to read and to think about as it relates to this situation very well.

To supercharge your magickal experience: Hera's Guidance

For beginners: A Beginner's Guide

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Silverfire

Thank you for sharing this. I needed to read this, and didn't even realize it.

#5

I did yoga and tore a muscle in my lower abdomen, about three finger-widths below my navel.

Greetings. Thank you for sharing this experience with us, because when we know what’s happening we can see if something can be done to help.

I wanted to ask, regarding what I quoted: how serious is this tear? Is it like complete abdominal wall rupture (hernia)?

Even if it is, it’s not like you are doomed. Hernias can be repaired. And if it’s a less serious tear; don’t worry. It will heal. Stay strong in spirit and let your body do its job.

Don’t make a mountain out of molehill dear friend. Almost all obstacles in our life can be overcame. Do not think about death. Fight, for you have so much to possibly gain from persevering and literally nothing to gain from just giving up.

"You will be here as long as I am here and that is forever."

#6

I have tried to reach out to you here not so long ago but couldn't get any feedback.

I am sorry you are still dealing with the same issue and couldn't find a solution. I understand you very well; you have been dealing with this for such a long time. I know that you got many dietary recommendations before, and it seems like none of them worked, or you haven't had the motivation, discipline or willpower, whatever you may call it, to apply any of the suggestions for a decent amount of time. So, sorry for adding a new suggestion, and I hope this one will be it for you.

I suggest you to look at the works of Aajonus Vonderplanitz. His two major books are "We Want to Live" and a recipe book titled "The Recipe for Living Without Disease". I think his dietary suggestions might help you. He has weight gain formulas in his book. This is just a personal suggestion, based on what I tried and worked for me. I always hated eating food, it was always such a chore. Only raw meat and raw dairy gives me such pleasant and joyous feelings. After years of compulsive issues with food, feeling good from eating a meal is such a born-again feeling. Also, raw animal-based food consumption is getting quite popular as far as I am aware of, so I don't think it can be called fringe anymore, I hope I won't be treated as a weirdo here for sharing my own experience.

This is what worked for me. I don't think there is any problem with it as long as you source it well, and it's quite literally man's primary job to source good food for his loved ones, so I think it's a nice adventure to find the best butcher/farmer's market in your town. Depending on where you live, you can probably get free fat and bone marrow time to time. It's also very pleasant to meet with farmers/butchers and chat with them, to me, they often times feel way more "real" compared to your average person. So overall, it's a very good idea to spend some time finding good food sources around you, it has so much benefits both socially and health-wise. And, I personally think it's not a Russian roulette as some people like to claim, you can clearly distinguish a bad sourced meat/dairy with a good one just by the color, the smell and the taste.

This is not a medical advice, just my personal experience. Research yourself before trusting anything you read online!

You can see a testimonial from one of his clients here. He started at 78 pounds and gained 70 pounds in six months: https://aajonus.net/primal-diet-workshop-of-january-28-2007-dvd

I wouldn't be typing this, if I didn't know that you've been dealing with the same issue for over two years. I feel like I relate to you, so I don't mind possibly being considered weird by some members here given the severity and how long you've been dealing with this problem.

I hope you can recover and will have a healthy relationship with food for the rest of your life.

#7

It is perfectly fine to take a step back from meditation and other limbs of yoga when you're not in a good physical condition. You can instead spend your time healing and studying, building other areas of your life within what your capacity allows. In time, you will rebuild and you can be stronger after you've rebuilt.

In many modern languages, we have seen the emergence of this unhelpful, ridiculous habit of identifying yourself with an illness or treating an illness as something that belongs to you. Those are just habits. They are not they the reality. They will never be. Illness has zero claim to it.

In this sense, some languages instead convey that the illness is ON you or have other ways to separate it from you. This is the correct approach because illness is both a temporary condition and something detached from your identity. It is not you.

Regarding your family, if they cannot respect you and treat you like a family member, then you should everything in your power to detach yourself from them after your recovery is complete as no one should suffer high levels of abuse at the hands of what's supposed to be the closest and most basic support unit of your material existence. This only if your different truly cannot be overcome.

Maybe separation will teach them a lesson about what family actually is and the extent of their mistakes. Maybe it won't and in the near future you'll have to be the bigger, more ethical person and do a working to reconciliate, while leading by example in your behaviour toward them.

What's certain right now is that the Gods love you regardless. Doubting it won't change it. You're a part of Them and They're a part of you, and true love includes loving every part of yourself.

As our most esteemed High Priestess Lydia Coventina already stated, the Gods are not in the habit of broadcasting the same message ad nauseam. They send the message, then it's up to you to remember it, analyse it, understand it, and implement it.

I would suggest you start pondering about the circumstances surrounding the message: your location, your thoughts, what you were doing in the moment, etc. Those are good starting point for understanding what the Gods were highlighting.

As you can see from all the supporting messages here, you're not alone and you can move forward. You're part of a community, and you will receive both practical advice and moral support from all members who decide to come out and speak. What is required of you is the willingness to listen, to challenge your state of nihilism, to learn. An open mind and the willingness to apply other people's advice and to let psychological support reach your heart is what will allow you to turn this unfavourable situation into a favourable one over time.

Keep praying to the Gods, talk to them and talk to us. I wish you all the patience and strength to become victorious in your situation, brother. Hold your head high!

General Advancement | Body | Mind | Soul

Last update: 27/07/2025 (check later for some links going online)

Apologies if I'm being slow on private messages. I will get back to you at some point.

Heil Zeus!
Heil Apollo!
Satanama!

#8

Thank you very much for sharing. I obviously don't know you personally, but I'm immensely grateful for all the work you did during spiritual warfare. I wish good energies for you and I understand about the signs from the Gods as they come and go for me as well. I have a similar experience with my family shunning me and isolating themselves from me. Know that we have family here, and someone will likely always at least try to give some good feedback or advice. Just don't give up, as I have been tempted to do the same often in the past. I wish you the best.

#9

Brother, the Gods have not forgotten you.

I can relate deeply to what you’ve shared. I’ve been battling severe gut issues myself I’ve experienced just how unbearable it can be. It’s difficult for family and those around you to truly understand unless they’ve lived through it themselves.

One thing I’ve learned is that healing can be deceptive. You eventually start to feel well enough that you stop extending yourself the same compassion you needed before, yet you’re still not fully healed or capable of doing everything you want to do.

I’d encourage you to remember how far you’ve already come. Think back to when you were bedridden. Progress is easy to overlook when you’re focused on how far you still have to go.

Start small. Be patient with yourself. Build yourself back up one step at a time. Strength returns gradually, but it does return