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I don't know what to do.

AvatarRenita6 min to read

I feel like I'm going insane. Before I continue, I'd like to say this post will contain a lot of harsh language, disturbing imagery, and paragraphs that might make me sound like some angsty teenager. Any disturbing topics will be placed under a spoiler so those who don't wish to view them don't have to. I have been keeping all that I list here inside for too long, and from my Zevist partner, who told me to seek help after trying his best to help me.

It has been a good 3 1/2 months since I last meditated (proper cleaning and focused chakra work). I believe this stemmed from the fact that I had been given the time to go online as much as I wished, as my mother had been on a work trip for a good 3 weeks (eventually it became a month and a half due to issues with flights). Growing up, my mother would never allow me to have my phone on me at all times, which led me to do insane things once I did get my phone back for a few days. This occurrence happened just like it used to be when I was a kid. Like before, I got internet access back, and like an idiot, I spent it doing dumb shit such as being in random Discord groups with toxic people and wasting most of my time after school playing games. Not a minute was given to the Gods, the forums, or my own advancement. Worst of all, I would neglect my relationship and would get mad at him over the smallest things that I now regret deeply even when it was never his fault.

I used to love meditating when I first dedicated. Every morning I would wake up excited to void meditate and feel the bliss meditation brought me, like a warm blanket on a cold winter night. Now, it has become a chore I almost always seek to avoid, simply because I am becoming a lazy bum, or maybe something else; I simply don't know anymore. There were times when, during a ritual, I would cry from how grateful I felt for the Gods, yet recently I cry for a different reason.

I hate to talk about such things, as it makes me feel even more disgusted with myself, yet I know I need to get it out before it kills me from the inside. I believe these disturbing thoughts that come up could stem from a few traumatic experiences I have had:

Even now as I write this, I feel like I am seeking more comfort and recognition for what I went through rather than a direct solution. Maybe I want both.

This brings me to another point: I don't know what emotions I feel are really me or just another personality I created to please other people into liking me. Most of my life since childhood, I had to change myself for people to be friends with me. I was a kid from across the world and to the kids in my school, it seemed such a strange concept; they would often mock me for not knowing their American games they would play and would often leave me out. So, I made myself likeable. I can no longer identify who I really am, as there are so many versions I have made of myself that it all seems lost in a pile. Is it really me crying about not praying to the Gods, or is it just a part of me I created to comfort myself when I know I am wrong? Is it really me being loud and obnoxious in class with friends? I feel lost in my own body. I've heard it a million times: "Oh, you're a teenager, it's the time you figure out who you are", yet these few years it feels the opposite; it feels like I'm losing myself more and more. I am soon to be an adult, yet when I look at my life compared to all my friends, I seem left behind, as if I somehow missed a crucial step along the way of growing up.

I know that meditating could and would solve most of these issues I have, yet the same issues that can be fixed with meditation are the ones that are holding me back. I do not want to ignore the Gods; I do not want to neglect my duties to the community; I don't want to hyperfixate on things of the past that no longer matter, yet here I am doing those exact things.

Be it, a link to a working I could do or anything would be greatly appreciated. I really don't know how to get out of this ditch I dug myself in. I have already tried doing a working to stop myself from being so lazy, yet in the middle I gave up and stopped doing it.

For now, this is all I can think about writing. If issues still arise, I might make a follow-up post.

Thank you.

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⚡One is free to listen, or not to listen. To apply knowledge, or not to apply it.- Zeus (Virtue - Freedom) ⚡

HAIL ZEUS & THE GODS 🪷

🇺🇦

#1

I really admire your courage. To remind yourself of a trauma by writing it down is something that most cannot do. Additionally, you are self-reflective enough to identify your weaknesses, which demonstrates that your Daimon is beginning to function properly.

I, too, know what it feels like to be an outsider, not only among others, but within myself. I understand what it's like to search for an identity, and later criticize it for its lack of authenticity.

You had the motivation to post here. If you can carry that into your Zevist development, you'll beginning building the Temple of your own soul. You don't need to start big. Start small.

If you can take just 10 mins before bed, you'll be ahead of 99.9% of people.

Focus on mental control and spiritual purity, with the addition of a basic aura of protection.

I believe in you because I see myself, and if I can do it, so can you.

The Temple is here for any questions you have.

Your True Self is already in you. You must reveal it through the removal of what's not you.

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#2

I don't think you are lazy, the state had its best scientists design the media to snare your mind. If you are having trouble with your head you could try rooting all your practices.

For example Hatha Yoga is a spirtual practice but it is rooted in movement. Surya cleans and protects but it is rooted in sound. For void meditation you could try staring at a candle. Your eyes will want to watch the candle. Each practice rooted to something real and solid.

I don't think your thoughts offend the Gods. Thoughts arise and pass way, they aren't worth worrying about.

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#3

You did the right thing by asking for help and support; I’m glad you found the courage to speak up—and, most importantly, you’re in the right place. You’re introspective enough to recognize your problems and obstacles—and to want to overcome them.

It’s hard to look within, especially when we notice something unpleasant about ourselves that needs improvement, but it’s perfectly normal to lose your way.

More often than we realize, we sometimes stumble and take a step back for a moment, to dig deep and overcome the limitations that previously prevented us from moving forward.

As suggested above, try starting over with a few focused steps and reestablishing a clear mental focus on emptiness and protection.

I also recommend keeping a journal; write down your meditations and let everything that crosses your mind flow onto the page it helps you get to know yourself and makes you feel more at ease. Highlight the things you’d like to improve and anything that troubles you. Sometimes the mind stores too much information, and it’s hard to distinguish what’s important: just let it all flow onto the page, and you’ll feel better.

Try not to get too caught up or pay too much attention to what distracts you from your true goals.

May the Gods always protect you.

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Do not fear; the Gods will always recognize their Disciples.🐺⚡️

#4

To have success learn discipline, discipline starts slow and over time you build upon small daily actions, like the first thing you do in the morning is you make your bed. Fizical exercises are also necesary for discipline, it gives stronger willpower, confidence and self-esteem. So with the willpower from physical exercises you can use it for achieving your goals in daily activity.

Also you need goals in life to keep meditating, if you have no goal whats the poing for going somewere if you have no point on the "map" where to go. This way you just stay in one place (being lazy) Make your goals in life and start working towarts them, meditation is like the fuel for the car the goals are the destination where you want to get. As Laidy Phitia said you need small goals and big goals. You want to become a HP, a ritch person, a champion, the best in the domain that you have? Sucsess in a specific domain? One goal Zevist must have and remember is to have the Goal of becoming a God, even if you don't become a God in this life working thowards it is the moust beneficial. Because one day you will be put under the question, do i want to become a God someday or not?

Also don't listen to music that have negative or affirmations that you don't want to have in your life. And mainstream movies also have negative programs.

Having a goal and working towards it is not always easy but meditation will give the fruits that will help you go every day till you achieved your goals and beyond!

Keeping a pozitive and optimistic mindset is also important, program your subconscious mind to have an optimistic mindset. Like this "I have a great, pozitive and optimistic mindset in a healthy and positive way for me" or "in the best possible way for me" or "in the moust pozitive way for me"

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#5

Hi! I understand you completely, and I'm sorry for what happened to you.

However I think your emotions exaggerate a bit what you think of your situation, which is completely natural as well. With my reply here I want to make you understand one thing: you are not "insane" or nothing is "unnatural" about how you feel and what you do or not do, but you can improve and overcome any limitations and problems. But first you need to understand what are your problems and how to solve them.

First about not mediating and wasting time: This is entropy and therefore Izfet. You don't have a structure in your daily life, and therefore you don't have good habits. This is normal and expected; we tend to do the easiest and most satisfying things, and not do anything hard that creates friction. This is entropy.

Again please understand this. This is completely normal. Anyone who doesn't define a structure to their life, to their daily life, will do this. Some tends to entropy faster than others, some need less structure, but generally it's true, if something is not defined it can't exist. If structure is not defined in your life your life will not have structure and will tend to entropy.

How to fix this: START SMALL, and build your habits, plans, goals. Define a structure to your daily life. If you absolutely have nothing to work on or do; find something. Start making bracelets and sell them. Learn a language. Learn a skill. If you are a perfectionist and you don't do anything because you think it's not worth to invest the energy in, shit on perfectionism.

It's not easy for most people to meditate every day! At least it wasn't easy when they started it and haven grown into a habit. Without an exception. But also without exception, once it grows into a habit, it will be just as natural and effortless as picking up the phone. Really.

So how to make it a habit? Connect it together with something you already do everyday without any difficulty. For example, meditate after you shower, of after you wash your teeth, or after dinner. For example my routine is that in the afternoon I shower, then I meditate, then the rituals, then I do a little work for the ToZ. This is so natural for my by this point that it doesn't take any effort. Because there is no more friction because it have became a habit. But oh boy how bad it was at the beginning! I had to put in a lot of effort just to meditate a few times a week. After 6 months or 8, I got to the point when I meditated every day. And only after like 2 years my dedicated I started meditating every single day without a single exception since then. So up until after 2 years my dedication there times when I skipped days. Even weeks at the beginning. IT WAS NOT EASY! But it became extremely easy once it became a habit, part of my daily routine and now after 4 years of meditating every day I would be able to skip a day. Sure it's not perfect yet, I don't put in the most effort in my meditations. Nobody is perfect. And perhaps I would be 5x more advanced if I always gave in 90-100%. But I'm also 5x more advanced now than if I haven't meditated. It doesn't have to be perfect all day. Just do it however you can. And make it into a habit in a way I explained above.

About being hypersexual (It's not clear if you are actually hypersexual from the context you provided) / being sexual with the Gods: This is yet again understandable and completely normal if you are 1. deprived of sex, 2. have SA trauma. Again these feelings and thoughts arise from somewhere for some reason. The Gods know. You should ask them how you can fix it.

But generally, I'm pretty sure these will help: 1. Get sexually active. If you still have that boyfriend, have a kind of sex with him frequently that satisfies you. Generally any king is normal. Even if you think it's because of a trauma, if that's what satisfies you at the moment, just do that.

I would say maybe being sexual towards the Gods stem from sexual satisfactions, perhaps you want to have romantic sex with a manly man. Know yourself and act accordingly.

In contrast to common misconception; it's not good to choke your desires and cut completely normal human things from your life that literally every living creature needs. Connections, friends, lover, experiences, sex, playing and whatever makes you happy. These are basic human needs, and not even human needs but every living creature's needs.

About the SA: I would report this to the police right after the Mercury retrograde. Fuck him. What do you care about his life when he SA a Zevist princess? That's about that, maybe he also have guilt about this, perhaps it would good not just generally but also for him and everyone around him to let things play it's course and get what he deserves.

To get over this you should do 3 things; ask for help from Goddesses; Lilith / Hera (both aspect), and also Astarte. Deep clean your sacral chakra every saturday and also do a freeing working after that. Free yourself from any negative sexual karma. Have healthy sex, whatever kind you want. If you need any more guidance in this, let me and us know!

How do you know you are free? Now this is something I'm not 100% sure about, but generally; you don't feel any guilt or anxiety about sex or what happened to you. You feel emotionally detached from what happened and feel like "you have grown out of it", it doesn't affect you. You may still remain "kinky" if you are that, you may still be hypersexual (again this have not been clarified so I'm really sorry if I'm way off the mark with these), the point here is that some things you think is bad or unnatural is not necessarily that. But everything will play out in its way and you'll see. Maybe your sexual preferences will also change and whatever else.

I hope this helped and will help you. Really talk this out with people, your boyfriend is correct. As you can see many people are here for you. If you have any question, want me to expand on something, or want to talk about something in general, let me know.

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