Facing the self

[Aquarius]

 

[Head Guardian Blitzkreig]

...

Anyone who has karma pertaining to their emotions, leading to subsequent compensations, can relate. It is just that the compensations your karma makes you tend towards are so controversial, that you are catching hate for it.

But if you are turning inwards for your solution, I think you are on the right path, as this is where the solution has always lied. If I have a sore tooth, this may lead me to yell at someone, in an attempt to vent my pain, but this was never the solution to my problem.

What I described here, and what you describe for yourself, is why it is important that we support Zevism as they deal with their problems. This is also why the Gods can be so patient and loving because people need communal support through their trials.

It is not your fault that you had to gain such negative karma. For every lifetime that that karma repeated and strengthened, you never had the tools to deal with it. Things are different now, and now we have to deal with the problems our souls have accumulated.

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However, you are supported by the Gods, and supported by your fiance, who both love you now just as they will love you later. And in return, you can take the safety they provide as an opportunity to deal with such trauma, knowing that nothing truly bad will manifest, especially if proper precautions are taken (see my other reply).

Taking things 1 step at a time is how you can solve this without being overwhelmed. Furthermore, asking the Gods for guidance, and letting your fiance know what you want to accomplish and need help with, will ensure your success.

Your karma has forced onto you immense transformative power, but you have to be able to apply this correctly. If you do so, you will move past this, as well as any other obstacles you may face. I believe you are capable of doing so; it seemed like you needed time to really process the situation, but you are moving forward even now.

 

[SSinHeartandSoul]

I am pretty sure it is even on the JoS website itself, saying that this is not the place for people that believe they aee fairies or werewolves or whatever. When I first joined this was also repeated a couple of times by some members.

Some people are so ignorant and out of touch with reality, that they think this does not apply to them. Its a real shame, but what can you do...

 

[RED DAWN]

I don't think changing one's body really has anything to do with whether one is being onself. There's something a friend told me when I had an identity crisis of sorts: that no matter how deeply I change, even inside, I'll always still be me, no matter what. And I realised that he's right, that I'm still the same person I've always been, even after everything that happened. It was such a relief for me.

I think being myself should be more about trying to understand the person inside with an open mind, and rather than harshly rejecting all the parts I don't like, and shaming myself for everything I deem imperfect, I should treat that person - myself - with the same respect I would treat, for example, my fiancé.

Being impulsive is not the same as being true to oneself, nor is being cautious; in actuality, emotions and other issues have little to do with it. At least to me personally, the "self" seems to be something that lies much deeper, where things like gender or my body aren't really as relevant anymore. I did state before that I would most likely want to be male if I had been born female; that alone should be telling that being myself, or really being anything on a surface level, isn't what this is really about. Changing how I appear to myself and others only alleviates the symptoms somewhat, without actually solving the issue that caused them. It's about being at odds with other people's expectations of me, feeling like I can never be good enough, and internalising that rejection. I know I'm my own worst critic, though. That's why, if I really want to become able to be myself, then I have to let go... of the seemingly bottomless hatred that has been welling up inside of me for longer than I can remember. If I ever let that hatred out, I'll turn into a monster; but the result of having turned it inwards my whole life, is this...

But if I really want to be myself, then I most likely have to come to understand that hatred too. If I try to simply reject it, as I always have, I'll never be able to let go; everything would just repeat.

You need to speak with a professional, it couldn't be more clear that this forum is not a place for mental support. I can relate with this to some degree, feeling as if I've had to hide who I am for so long and losing my ability to express who I am in an honest way. I know that's not exactly what your facing, but it's similar enough that perhaps my solution can give some insight. Stop thinking, just function. Be the person you want to be and do what you want to do, no holds barred. Do not allow the opinions of others (general society, people here including the degenerates, or even myself) to influence you if it goes against your own intentions. Do things unapologetically, and if people demand apology tell them to fuck themselves. The frustration you hold back can be used as a source of power that can liberate you from your own mind. Allow yourself to break free from your own restrictions, yes they are enemy caused, but they are self enforced.

AVE.

I was only talking about it online because professionals don't understand all the deeper things. Research about the effectiveness of different approaches in improving well-being lets them suggest things that will improve well-being in one way or another, usually. But I've always been very curious, and wanted to understand everything, even things that are redundant or "simply are the way they are". Professionals can't give me the answers to questions like that, nor can I, no matter how I may try; nor can people on the internet either. What turned out to be far more helpful lately is to ask less questions, to let go of my scrutiny, and just do things. Things that I had tried to convince myself were wrong, for some reason... perhaps pressure from others? It doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter.

I was holding back so much, for what? There are so many precious things in this world. There was nothing inherently wrong with me or the world; I was just focussing on all the wrong things to make it seem that way. But that just ruins everything for no reason. No more.

Stop thinking, just function.

You're on point. I've been thinking for years now: "I should think less." But I never quite understood how to put that into action, because the smallest issues could set me of a path of endless overthinking again. I finally feel ready for it now. It's like something heavy was burdening me to be overly inquisitive about everything; and without that, I feel such a relief. It's incredible.

All the potential worlds in my mind suddenly don't seem so important anymore, if I can just explore the real world. I feel alive.

I'm glad to hear that. Keep that energy.