A lot of it does have to do with your mother's religion/ the way she programmed you (I'm assuming she makes you go to church a lot if she's a fanatic). Try to stick with it. My mother isn't fanatic (she is Christian though), but I went through kind of the same thing and quit meditating for years because I thought I was rejected/not meant for Satanism. This is a normal reaction. Also, it didn't help matters when she thought I was smoking because I burnt the paper. I didn't start meditating until 3 years later, and in the meantime I became so depressed and empty feeling--I knew in the back of my mind that I was ignoring what was true, and I was so afraid that Satan would not accept me if I started meditating again. I cried a lot, thought about killing myself, sometimes I just sat there and did nothing because I didn't want to be alive but I knew it wouldn't do any good to kill myself. But I started meditating again, and Satan/the Gods of Elysium did accept me--I noticed small things, like seeing 666 different places--this is the way he sometimes communicates. For example, I was playing the sims and the family funds was 666.66 (By the way, I recommend quitting most video games, I was once addicted to the sims but I feel a lot better/less distracted now that I've stopped). At IKEA, the total was 666.13. Anyway, it's natural to have negative thoughts at first--this is years of programming/how the enemy wants to keep control. I had that happen too--I just started thinking negative things about the gods/etc., and I didn't want to but I thought it was my fault/that I didn't deserve to practice Satanism. These negative thoughts are a result of the enemy's media/propaganda bullshit. Church doesn't help either. But try to meditate even if you don't feel like it--you'll start feeling the energy and feel a lot better. In church, try a satanic blue aura and just think Hail Satan whenever they pray/bullshit. What you're feeling will lessen as you continue to meditate--things are going to get better. Hail Satan!
