So much detox, yet still no reward!

[DarkAries]

Greetings!

Apart from my ranting, its been seven moths since I started porn detox, this is about 5th time of starting the damn thing again. It always goes a bit better, but life is just soooooo gray and lifeless. Sure, its mostly because I also cutted out screentime, xbox, went to gym a lot more, trying letting my ego go and advance as a person, so I dont just endure this shit, but fuck if Im not devoid of happiness! This supposed to be freedom, but it feels like being castrated or euthanized, being my instincts and wills denied. I feel like Im not myself, just something that mimicing how I used to live and goes day by day. Not helping that my job is super boring. A part of me just wants bloodshed and destruction and feeling alive, not just doing a pointless routine in a sterile and gray world.

Im worried that there might be no reward. No compensation. I thought if I clean myself enough, if I deny enough shit from myself, the "colors" would return to my life - that I’d finally get the peace or the power or the health I "earned." Life feels just empty. There are a few good moment, maybe even good hours, but each cost a month of slow monotoneity.

Also, Im not sure if I can try this, with t1d(and a few gallstones) fasting would be russian roulette.

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To write it out raw, "I did so very much for so long, where is my fucking payout for this!?" and I dont know what to answer for this or how to change this mentality, if its no longer useful, since if theres no justice and reciveing for your actions, then whats the point of doing anything!

 

[Nikólaos666]

One thing I want to point out is it seems like you are putting your "old" life, the one where you watch porn every day (?) and play more from Xbox, on a pedestal. You are looking at it like it was a beautiful time. This is something you need to change in your mind. It was not better before; wasting time in front of a TV and watching porn is not what you can call "living your life."

In my opinion, this is only a setback that proves that you are going in the right direction. Remember, when you are changing something in your life, you will have setbacks, and it will get harder before going better and achieving your goal. That is the test.

 

[DarkAries]

One thing I want to point out is it seems like you are putting your "old" life, the one where you watch porn every day (?) and play more from Xbox, on a pedestal. You are looking at it like it was a beautiful time. This is something you need to change in your mind. It was not better before; wasting time in front of a TV and watching porn is not what you can call "living your life."

In my opinion, this is only a setback that proves that you are going in the right direction. Remember, when you are changing something in your life, you will have setbacks, and it will get harder before going better and achieving your goal. That is the test.

Its way too much test already, I wouldnt mind a break. Im tired of all of this. Sure, my old life was no better, but while this is better on paper feels so much gray! Like this have no intense part, nothing exciting or 'alive' side. Sure, porn is horrible, but at least it gave me intensity, even if it was the worst kind.

 

[Nikólaos666]

Its way too much test already, I wouldnt mind a break. Im tired of all of this. Sure, my old life was no better, but while this is better on paper feels so much gray! Like this have no intense part, nothing exciting or 'alive' side. Sure, porn is horrible, but at least it gave me intensity, even if it was the worst kind.

Have you tried talking to women in a way to have "fun" with them? Without being disrespectful, just seeing a beautiful woman and trying to seduce her. Maybe that is the kind of intensity you need.

 

[hailourtruegod]

Its way too much test already, I wouldnt mind a break. Im tired of all of this. Sure, my old life was no better, but while this is better on paper feels so much gray! Like this have no intense part, nothing exciting or 'alive' side. Sure, porn is horrible, but at least it gave me intensity, even if it was the worst kind.

From this reply it now seems you're missing out on the next crucial part after getting rid of the bad stuff for you and that is replacing it with good stuff for you.

I dont know of anything else that pleases the mind more than trance and the calm and peace when in a good meditation session. Even if its for a few seconds that you can achieve this, and you keep reminding your mind how good it feels by consistency and you'll start seeing the difference of the effects and the after effects of porn and meditation. The disgusting feeling of coming down from the dopamine stimuli will no longer be part of your life.

Meditation is the best choice but thats not to say there's many other things to do instead like going out for walk once you feel the urge, and while you are at it maybe go for a fast jog/ long sprint. Come home and do a hot shower that turns into a cold one for as long as you can handle. Keep your mind off those things by either void and/or studying/reading.

Just keep trying, do not give up. But do your best to stay confident and content with your new choices. These things only make you weak in the long run.

 

[DarkAries]

Have you tried talking to women in a way to have "fun" with them? Without being disrespectful, just seeing a beautiful woman and trying to seduce her. Maybe that is the kind of intensity you need.

Literally two weeks ago(with one little difference), and it ended in the bedroom. It was very good, but those good things are very few, and Im still not too happy inside.

 

[DarkAries]

From this reply it now seems you're missing out on the next crucial part after getting rid of the bad stuff for you and that is replacing it with good stuff for you.

I dont know of anything else that pleases the mind more than trance and the calm and peace when in a good meditation session. Even if its for a few seconds that you can achieve this, and you keep reminding your mind how good it feels by consistency and you'll start seeing the difference of the effects and the after effects of porn and meditation. The disgusting feeling of coming down from the dopamine stimuli will no longer be part of your life.

Meditation is the best choice but thats not to say there's many other things to do instead like going out for walk once you feel the urge, and while you are at it maybe go for a fast jog/ long sprint. Come home and do a hot shower that turns into a cold one for as long as you can handle. Keep your mind off those things by either void and/or studying/reading.

Just keep trying, do not give up. But do your best to stay confident and content with your new choices. These things only make you weak in the long run.

I just recently switched from chasing goals on meditations, for a while it feels a bit different. I used to meditate a lot, for big results, until it turned into a second job. I try to do it slower, enjoying it(I dont yet, as I dont enjoy woking out either), taking my time but its still something I rather do for the results than for the enjoyment. Same for cold showers, even now when I can endure nearly freezing water.

 

[Nikólaos666]

Literally two weeks ago(with one little difference), and it ended in the bedroom. It was very good, but those good things are very few, and Im still not too happy inside.

Congratulations on living your life. But it might only be your perception that you need to change. Remember the book for helping quiting porn? That little monster make you think that porn is the greatest thing you need in your life. It is not. You need to change this mindset that your ''life'' (you really can't call this a life) before was better than now.

 

[DarkAries]

Congratulations on living your life. But it might only be your perception that you need to change. Remember the book for helping quiting porn? That little monster make you think that porn is the greatest thing you need in your life. It is not. You need to change this mindset that your ''life'' (you really can't call this a life) before was better than now.

I do, but it would mean that my life was always shit...
Objectively, we can only meet at weekends, if everything goes well, but it rarely does. Last weekend we couldnt meet and I feel very bad because of it.

 

[Nikólaos666]

I do, but it would mean that my life was always shit...
Objectively, we can only meet at weekends, if everything goes well, but it rarely does. Last weekend we couldnt meet and I feel very bad because of it.

You see things in the negative way. Instead of saying your life was shit before, you need to say that you have improve a lot. Does it imply that your life was worse before ? Yes. What is the difference between the way you see it and my point-of-view? I don't bring the same negative wording.

Same thing with the situation with the girl you've meat. You already see it as a failure, because you couldn't meet with her last weekend. Get positivity in your mind.

 

[DarkAries]

You see things in the negative way. Instead of saying your life was shit before, you need to say that you have improve a lot. Does it imply that your life was worse before ? Yes. What is the difference between the way you see it and my point-of-view? I don't bring the same negative wording.

Same thing with the situation with the girl you've meat. You already see it as a failure, because you couldn't meet with her last weekend. Get positivity in your mind.

I was a lot less pessimistic before diabetes. My mentality havent recoverd since. Its pretty rough to watch things positively, when you constantly reminded that you become more fragile and you couldnt fix it, and a small mistake makes you feel like youre not yourself and youre dying. Sure, I improved. I still hate my life.

But yeah, I know, its childish to blame it on this. But it still hurts. Since that positivity is very fleeting, before it just existing wasnt felt like a boring burden.

 

[Darkspirit]

Brother I can understand your feelings, kind of. Try concentrating on your future goals, what you will win and let your past self. Set some important goals and work for them, also enjoy what you have done until now. You will change in time.

 

[Nikólaos666]

I was a lot less pessimistic before diabetes. My mentality havent recoverd since. Its pretty rough to watch things positively, when you constantly reminded that you become more fragile and you couldnt fix it, and a small mistake makes you feel like youre not yourself and youre dying. Sure, I improved. I still hate my life.

But yeah, I know, its childish to blame it on this. But it still hurts. Since that positivity is very fleeting, before it just existing wasnt felt like a boring burden.

I understand that the news of having diabetes made you feel like "life is over" or something like that. Again you are focusing on that. There are other people here with other afflictions, worse than diabetes, and they keep pushing their way up. They see their "problems" as an incitation to become even better at Zevism.

 

[DarkAries]

I understand that the news of having diabetes made you feel like "life is over" or something like that. Again you are focusing on that. There are other people here with other afflictions, worse than diabetes, and they keep pushing their way up. They see their "problems" as an incitation to become even better at Zevism.

I know, and it did made me better, both physically and mentally, since it forces me to improve and punishes lazyness harshly. I do the whole detox for the same reason. But its an awful state of being. I felt a lot closer to my goals while I was healthy, or while I hoped to cure it. I dont really have goals since. Trust me, I heard everything, went through very dark depressions because of it, but still dont change how horrible it feels. All I have now, I would give just to heal and not have to worry for every tiny food, and to feel strong again, but no. But sure, if I cut out the more harmful things, that provides dopamine, like gaming, reels, porn, I just left alone with this feeling.
My friend, who is a lot less advanced had severe cancer, but he survived and now healthy, while Im not. There is just no fairness in life.

 

[DarkAries]

Brother I can understand your feelings, kind of. Try concentrating on your future goals, what you will win and let your past self. Set some important goals and work for them, also enjoy what you have done until now. You will change in time.

I dont really have goals anymore... I wanted to advance as much as possible, but got diabetes. Wanted to cure it and fix myself, it decayed just as it would to any basic human, despite my best efforts. Just a cruel reminder that Im not enough. I continue the detox because I started it, but I wont be happy

 

[DarkAries]

Maybe its the reason why detox goes so hard. My old life (and sadly porn) remind me so strongly of the time before getting diabetes.

 

[ARIES SPIRITUAL LIGHTOFLUCIFER666]

I dont really have goals anymore... I wanted to advance as much as possible, but got diabetes. Wanted to cure it and fix myself, it decayed just as it would to any basic human, despite my best efforts. Just a cruel reminder that Im not enough. I continue the detox because I started it, but I wont be happy

Its not the end of the world brother am sure this is just an obstacle
One were gonna look back at this and you shall see how much you have grown past it
One of my older sisters is born a diabetic
She has to do her blood check daily
Piont is you have satya and the path that can help you
Don't give up!!!

 

[SparkingPowerUP]

Look man, you do drugs? Quit it. You do porn? Quit it. Have diabetes? No problem you can fix it just meditate, in time it will be fixed, i also had an illnes coming up after a while i seriously started meditation in the beginning, its still here but i'm not in the mood to not fix it and never will be, (it's an allergy just so you know) if you are in a difficult situation just ask Buer or Valefor for guidance for health or Drugs, and make a plan and follow it.

After some good long years of meditation. I have what it's called the fruits of meditation, man, for sure, with this, i don't need anything else to feel good. You do 10 push ups today and everyday for a time and then you do 20 and in the long run any number will give benefits. Just keep doing it! Learn or improve discipline.

 

[DarkAries]

Look man, you do drugs? Quit it. You do porn? Quit it. Have diabetes? No problem you can fix it just meditate, in time it will be fixed, i also had an illnes coming up after a while i seriously started meditation in the beginning, its still here but i'm not in the mood to not fix it and never will be, (it's an allergy just so you know) if you are in a difficult situation just ask Buer or Valefor for guidance for health or Drugs, and make a plan and follow it.

After some good long years of meditation. I have what it's called the fruits of meditation, man, for sure, with this, i don't need anything else to feel good. You do 10 push ups today and everyday for a time and then you do 20 and in the long run any number will give benefits. Just keep doing it! Learn or improve discipline.

Thanks!
The thing is, only the fact hurts that I have a serious illness, that I cant cure. I wanted to fix it and worked in the last years, but no progress yet, wich really hurts tbh, and it broke down my motivation oretty badly.
Managing it isnt a problem at all, and its rather stable.