Darkpagan666 said:
You clearly have hang-ups in regards to opening your mind to spirituality, which is why you experiences setbacks or even backlashes in your advancement. Your mind and mentality seems stuck and 'stagnated' in a material mindset, preventing you from accessing trance states, feeling energy and to let yourself open up to paranormal/occult/spiritual experiences. You need to attend to this.
The thing is that it isn't fun or anything any more or it never was.
I've been reading on the internet since 1999 when I first got the internet not sure if I was 8 or already was after my birthday so 9 years old.
I don't have a material mindset as a matter of fact if you knew my mindset you'd think I'm crazy for spending so much hours walking and talking to myself. I literally just spend hours of my time thinking how I feel or fantasizing and living in a better reality.
I've been wanting to astral project, lucid dream properly maybe even lucid dream entering as some state. I'm not saying spirituality is fake. But for me it's non-existent. I guess it's a fantasy someone made up to produce a life-long preoccupation.
Sheer fact is it gets old fast. I do things but nothing happens. I guess all these years the lesson I learned is, Why bother advancing spirituality your just growing older in this shitty life and getting older further in this shit life.
Life for me is SS;DD: Same Shit; Different Day.
I don't like it nor do I like living it. I'm not suicidal but I want to do fun stuff like astral project or lucid dream or enter an altered state and feel relaxed afterwards or something. I don't know. I've been studying these phenomena since 1999/2000 with the internet and never served me a purpose. And before that I guess with my family member involved with Mahrahji(Prem Rawat) and self-hypnosis and whatnot. Plus the other family member with her crazy mentality.
I've always had a delusional fantasy of getting off this worthless planet and interacting with proper entities that know what they are doing and know what to do.
I don't want to spiritually advance, if that is even possible. If it means skipping over important lessons. How does a person spiritually advance in an advanced World from the beginning.
You know. I want to do things properly. With me I'm just chaotically strung along in eternal fantasy cause nothing occurs. I guess astral projection is fake or something. Lucid dreaming I've done it, I've written down my dreams. And yet I can never lucid dream like how people do it manipulating reality, summoning objects, doing adventures, even taking off and astral projecting from dream area to astral area.
I feel completely burdened by the knowledge of the joy of Satan. It's the few things I bother to keep in my mind to think about. If I'm not thinking about spirituality, it's National Socialism and inventing or digging deep and recreating it somehow I can explain it to myself. I still don't know what National Socialism is and I've read books on it even Dugdale '36 and Dr. Dalton's '39 Mein Kampf. And both fail to address what National Socialism is. In fact reading the first chapter or two on Collected Writings of Gottfried Feder thanks to Abyssos(Which further compounded me to check out the Tiberian Sun Nod Campaign to check out Anton Slavik, Kane, and Peace through Power!).
I saw Feder take a clip of information from HIS era version of Mein Kampf. And develop a series of paragraphs explaining it not unlike a Gentile version of the Talmud. In fact further on he states, "The main aim of the Programme - taxless society".
I'm going to read further as it's an interesting book. Hell if I was a smart, professional reader. I'd probably develop visual note-taking and note taking and develop my own theorems and processes on National Socialism.
I don't know what NS is but I just acclimate things to it in the hopes of clicking. In other words we do not posses the very NS from them.
Any other things in my head is just fantasizing and passing the time. I just want to go to sleep and put the day past me. Everyday meditating, Holy Shit!; intense. It's probably why I gave up on JoS and meditations back in 2003. Yoga and physical exercise, ugh.... calming and controlling my mind...but then how would I think? How would I process my life? My mind is a thinking machine like the thinking machines from Dune.
I don't know. All I know is maybe I've been mentally ill since birth or born mentally ill. Unfortunately I had the smartness no, no, not smartness...weakness...complete and utter weakness. To state I'm NS/SS my most treasured secret and I said it to my family.
Wow! complete and utter lack of strength, just shows how weak I am. Worst mistake of my life. I don't even know why I bother to interact much less talk to these scum people.
Sheer fact is I did some meditations in the past chakra spinning to speed of light, MerKaBa, one or two more. And did it a handful of times and only came to realize I borked my mind. If you knew about the incidents in my high school involving meditation such as getting high off of imagining something on the bus or being freaked out in lunch thinking my food had been spiked with lsd.
Meditation has not brought me closer to anything. If anything it's just made me realize. I want to be alone and left to my own devices. Maybe in another life time I can solve my issues or be born in a better World and actually trained from the ground up.
I guess my biggest issues is delving into advanced topics. Digging a hole and going, "How the fuck do I get out of here?" with everyone surprised at my utter lack of basic and intermediate grasping.
Like my friend said I dig a hole in advanced land and never bother with the basics or intermediate. Or even pre-basic; you just dive so far in that even the basics turn into such advanced concepts you fail to even grasp them.
Nothing was said on stupidity or anything just simply that I dig too deep.
I'm honestly unhappy being an NS/SS and I just utterly feel unhappy meditating. I don't like to stretch my body, my body is always in pain. I don't like to vibrate stuff unless I'm alone and my family isn't around. Like my stupid family member said, "Those vibrations you do make me feel weird and do you even know what your are doing?" The question isn't do I know what I'm doing the question is do you know what kind of stupidity your in believing your a xtian delving into judeo-bolshevism.
Like this family member said, "We are basically three crazy cats living in the same place".
Meditation has not made my life better or changed it or anything. I just continue existing doing SS;DD. I'm completely unhappy. I have a mountain of questions. I ask questions that never get answered. When I first posted on current A-Forums, I mentioned I was going to join ProPHP forums and ask but everything got answered. When I asked my question, HP. Cobra said you posted a huge 18+ question something like 3 pages worth of questions. I'm sorry HP.Cobra but I've never in my life heard anyone ask those questions.
My routine is basically get up between 7-10am drink coffee. Go on the computer till 12ish or so. Meditate doing the same mental gymnastics I always do to my best of my ability. Then eat and then carry on with the rest of the date. Nothing changed no changes no feeling no nothing just do it and do it for the sake of doing it. It works, it works; it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
Whatever my friend is basically the opposite of me. He dedicated February 2004 never did a thing. Both of us basically dedicated for the sake of dedicating. I did it 29th of April 2003 and he February something 2004. Nothings changed, if anything I just read JoS accepted it cause National Socialism. And basically spent years of my life in middle, high school and up till 2016 inventing my own things thinking, meditating, doing stuff. And just life passing by.
Like my friend said, "It seems like school(no matter how much you hated it!) was your only discipline in life. And now that your out of school and got all this freedom. Your like WTF do I even do with it, so you just shut down."
I want to learn meditation from the beginning. Like an Empire of Orion child is taught from the very beginning. From the most simplistic to development.
Our hyper experimental JoS is too much. Especially in this World of bullshit where no one does anything right or follows anything right.
If the Gods come then delusionally when they come. Then I can learn to meditate.
If anything everything I've studied and read is just for my personal amusement. My databanks, just information to study for the sake of studying.
HP.Cobra made a sermon last year of information for the sake of information.
Nothing wrong with that. Some people such as myself and my friend give zero fucks about life. It's worthless all I care about is learning and just being amused by NS/SS. It works, it works, it doesn't work, it doesn't work; you still do it.
I just learn stuff and amass it. I'm sure it's going to be useful at some point.
I'm gonna end it here as I'm rambling. But I'm just sick and tired of existing. I don't even entertain myself, nothing happens. Whatever like my usual statement, "Oh well better luck next life!".
