Leaving

[High Priest Hooded Cobra 666]

I guess I should provide an update on this post lol. In the past couple months, I quit my one job due to my health issues. I then lost my other job, that I've had for 7 years, and my life has totally fallen apart. Afterwards, i got some fentanyl and overdosed, paramedics gave me 2 Narcan and a Zofran and i was put in a psych ward, as previously, right after i lost my job, the police forced me to go to the emergency room. I have no money and am buried in debt. I live with my parents and they're forcing me into a treatment center, so it'll be months before I can work, if I can get a job (lol).

I lost my faith in Paganism and that saving my People was possible, and I was so cold and lonely (cant get friends or a partner) that I reached out to lds missionaries, and tried to be Christian. But then I lost my faith in that too. I no longer know anything, much less what God is real and what I should do. I feel extreme despair. Maybe I died during my overdose and this is my hell. I know nothing, but suspect that all I have to look forward to is a hell in this life and a hell in the next. I guess I have betrayed my values and deserve this. I am going through painkiller withdrawal now and can barely eat, sleep, or function. Last night I stayed up all night, pacing and pointlessly trying to stave off invasive thoughts of white children being raped and killed. I'll never have children so at least my worthless genes die with me.

I don't know how everyone can be so sure of their particular religion and not be constantly afraid of being wrong and going to hell. I'm not sure why everyone else can get joy from religion but I get fear, shame, and hatred. The fear of hell really broke me as a child. And with my ego collapsing after my life fell apart, I no longer have self-defensive beliefs. I'm pretty sure I'm a worthless piece of dross and will suffer horribly. I guess my story can be a cautionary tale, lol. But it makes me sad. I really wanted to become something good and do good.

Nobody is going into any "Hell". This is shame and subconsciously, you have shame for what you did to yourself. This is not ethical or moral consequence, it's the damage you self-inflicted and you must understand you gain truly nothing by causing damage to yourself.

Psychotherapy might be required (conversation about these); you need to disassociate your own identity, self worth and value from your being completely absorbed by the job. It has happened to many people I know and even myself in the past; and when something happens, pain kicks in and then the need to punish one's self by blaming one's self for failure.

But in real life, not everything that happens is your fault. In this case, almost nothing is "your fault" besides thinking it was and punishing yourself for it (you were the least person in this occasion that deserved punishment). If you cut yourself some slack, you would never want to engage in drugs as self-retaliation, nor you would feel so much self guilt that you had to soothe it with drugs; this is what led there where the situation is today.

Life took a turn and you punished yourself assuming you have made unforgettable errors; the reality is that nobody will hold it against you if you fail. If they hold it against you, their opinion doesn't matter.

There appears to be a core belief that you are not a useful or good human being but only through your work. Yet you are the same valuable and strong man you was before, minus you did some mistakes. What gives? You will recover - but you must allow yourself to recover.

Everyone has weaknesses and everyone can fail in a severe turn in their lives.

What you did with the drugs was wrong but it's not the end of life or the end of the world. Everyone has had a moment of weakness and you have went through strong and considerable shock.

Now you must not concern yourself with complexities, Gods, defenses and "saving anyone". The Gods are there as they were during the better times; they never leave someone. The Gods don't rely on your work - just self perception does.

This is secondary to the core issue: Saving and caring for your own self. The love of self must be restored first. Leave the people and the world; you owe them nothing in this time of your life.

Apologies for last post, I went to lds service n remembered I h8 abrahamic religion. My ego is barely starting to grow back, fell for the trauma based mind control

Don't apologize for nothing you are always welcome here. Speaking from the heart should never be the case to need to apologize.

 

[HailVictory88]

Thank you so much everyone...really cringing at the drama lol, I'm sorry for causing it. I apologized to the Gods for my errors, and am resolved to better my life...just got a very traumatic wake up call. Trying to go slow, really want to be better but in lots of pain. Getting help though, and I'm blessed to be in a safe place where people care about me somewhat. Sorry again lol, I'll probably just lurk occasionally until I'm a lot healthier, I don't mean to cause more stress