just venting here (long post)

[V12-POWER]

tldr: this is just a story that you might feel identified with or not, but its long as fuk

sup my brothers, im really pissed off and deeply disappointed at some things. this is the only place where I can share this cause im not the only one that has been through these situations or has had these thoughts at some point in time, and this is also the only place where I can express myself freely since we all have more or less the same values.

I just need to write it somewhere to vent cause im fuming, im sick of the andrapoda man, im all out and understand that 99% of the population is just not able to understand what we do here, what we believe in, much less to practice spirituality and advance towards godhood, im aware they are just like me and you, that they do deserve to be respected and treated as people regardless of whatever crap they believe in, im aware that we are not "superior" to them in the way that we believe we are superior to cockroaches or any insect.

im not secretive about the fact that I do yoga and meditate (but do keep satanism very secret) so often people will approach me and ask me about it, that they want to start doing these things but always have an excuse to not do it. Just like the person who says "ill start diet this monday" - when monday comes they continue with their crap nutrition, then they say "ok tomorrow I start" so the actual change never happens. in 100% of cases these people who want to know what they need to do lose the interest after they realize they wont allucinate or levitate or whatever, but what can one expect when these converstaions are held in a night club? surely under the influence of alcohol, weed, coke or you name it. these days 15 years old be snorting coke like it is nothin.

these cases I just dont give a shit, in the end we all know the possibilities of anything good coming from there is basically zero, being honest though, I do pity them, but that's about it. I do go to nightclubs once in a while, the environment is just disgusting but well on a saturday night there's nothing else to do and with the boys we're on our own bubble anyways, shit we don't even pick up girls cause most of them are just unworthy, a few years ago I seemed to be unnoticed by girls, now that they desire me I reject all of them, funny how that works...

thats with random people who one couldn't careless, but what about those who you really care about? it's a different story man and this is where I feel hurt and powerless sometimes. I swear since I became a satanist and embraced this lifestyle, I have evolved drastically to the point that I cant recognize my old self anymore, it is magical, while 'normal' people might get caught in obstacles and never get over them, we as SS can always find a way to overcome any kind of problem or shit that life can throw at us. so naturally, for me, I do want my close ones to do the same and the desire to share it is always, always there, because I know how much this path has improved and helped me, how much I enjoy living without caring about petty shit, being sure and feeling powerful and capable, being healthy physically and mentally, yet it has to be kept secret.

i gotta admit though, with those close ones, when they have a problem, i'll always try to be subtle and say, for example, "why dont you try doing yoga, it helped me with X thing", "why dont you try meditating, it can help you with X" and that's all I can say and do without revealing myself, im sure if that's the right thing to do, however. I just cant help it, we're not stupid mormons trying to recruit people here, but am I wrong for giving a hint once in a while to someone you care about? am I guilty for that?

then when it comes to love and partners these feelings are much more intense. ever since I was young, I always thought I was the polygamous type of person, that one woman would not satisfy me, that one is not enough and etc. with time though, I found myself and couldn't be more of a monogamous person if I tried, the sentiment of being one with a woman is as strong as ever. yet given the current state of society these kind of people are very rare, so all that I could do was bury that desire till the time comes.

I can discern between a one night stand bitch and a girl that at the very least respects me, within 5 or 10 mins of talking, there's no science here once. during these first words you exchange, your intuition/gut feel will either approve or disapprove her. (or he if youre a girl) this is of course depending on what you are in the first place, a person like me just doesn't have the time or will to be with many people anymore.

yet whenever im single, somehow, someone always appears in my life. it's like fate doesn't want me to be without somebody, I swear, and there's nothing wrong with this. I've come across someone again back in march or april I think, being totally honest, shes such a passionate and vicious lover, like I have never seen before. there are just very, very few things I can't agree with, but just normal things and differences that can exist without causing trouble. as with everything there are hard moments or fights but we always come together to a solution. the sad thing is that even with all those good virtues present, I feel like there's not a light at the end of this tunnel.

what has happened to me in the past, and has happened now again is that there's always a tipping point where my illusions and desires are completely destroyed and i begin to want to be alone again, like a lone wolf. it always comes to the fact that yes, one can be with someone that is not an SS, but for how long? we all here advance, evolve and work towards being the perfect form of one self, and we struggle, fall in drawbacks and all that but we always push, we always move forward.

the other day I was speaking with her and I kindly asked her "hey why do you vape when you go out, you're better than that why dont drop it altogether" and the response I got was totally disgusting, not even worth typing it down here. then I began realizing OF COURSE she was gonna say that...how can you be so ungrateful, with all the potential you have, being so fuckin stupid, blind and not willing to see things. trying to be good with her and the dumbass got mad at me, could you believe that? it aint like im some toxic cunt either...we both give each other freedom, but this shit? nah I gotta say something about it

that moment spent days in the back of my head, I was hurt, I was wounded, the anger, resentment and repent was on full blast. I had free time so some of that time was spent thinking about it. was I blind? am I the only to blame? but then i realized WHY I was feeling like that

I quickly remembered that it was her who convinced me of teaching her yoga, meditating. shit she even asked me for some of the articles on exposing the bible, it was hard to disguise the things I know but even then she is unaware of me being a SS. she even watched some hitleer speeches. but she started behaving very stupidly shortly after, a shame.

it was the wildest of wet dreams that she turned out to be interested in this, because I never intended to persuade her into anything, it was a desire born from within her, but something happened and she did a 180. given all the good things going on, it was just the only thing left. it was, and is, however, a deep desire of mine to have her getting closer to what we do, the same way I desire my friends, and family, to do the same.

I was never expecting her to be an SS, neither I thought myself to be some kind of "savior" or any of that bullshit. that is only up to the satan, the gods, her and her fate, as we all saved ourselves, no one pushed us into this. I know that all that I can do is answer her questions if there are ever any, shit even then it would cost me to open my mouth about the subject.

while one is in the path to godhood, other is on the path to decayment, beautiful. I was not even gonna feel unsatisfied without an SS partner, but at the very fuckin least have some self love, some self respect, some desire to be a better version of yourself and keep improving. instead of that you prefer vaping like a stupid bitch with your drunk ass friends

I dont know what it was, the initiative always came from her side, then out of nowhere it was like she didn't want to know anything anymore. I just shared the info, she did yoga, felt the heat, the buzz. very weird or maybe im trying to be a detective in a case where it isnt even necessary.

a shame that I had to forget this girl altogether, why the fuck would i worry about some andrapoda. she made her intentions clear that she wanted to be mediocre anyways.

that was it guys, sorry for this wall of text, but damn man I needed to write something

 

[HPS Lydia]

It takes time, even lifetimes, for people to become better and evolve. There are SS who vape and smoke cigarettes and drink, even some who do drugs, so why have such high standards for a non-SS who has no connection to the Gods? I'm certainly not defending her habit, I'm just pointing out that we can't expect everything from anyone.

And a general note: for those who have problems meeting a relationship partner and/or making a relationship with someone work, it is often from past-life bonds to another whom they have not been reunited with in the current life.

 

[General Yeager]

Lydia" post_id=475218 time=1701414017 user_id=57]
It takes time, even lifetimes, for people to become better and evolve. There are SS who vape and smoke cigarettes and drink, even some who do drugs, so why have such high standards for a non-SS who has no connection to the Gods? I'm certainly not defending her habit, I'm just pointing out that we can't expect everything from anyone.

And a general note: for those who have problems meeting a relationship partner and/or making a relationship with someone work, it is often from past-life bonds to another whom they have not been reunited with in the current life.

There are SS who smoke, drink and do drugs ? Wut ???

 

[V12-POWER]

Lydia" post_id=475218 time=1701414017 user_id=57]
I'm certainly not defending her habit, I'm just pointing out that we can't expect everything from anyone.

i fully agree with you even though sometimes it just sucks.

 

[NinRick]

Lydia" post_id=475218 time=1701414017 user_id=57]
It takes time, even lifetimes, for people to become better and evolve. There are SS who vape and smoke cigarettes and drink, even some who do drugs, so why have such high standards for a non-SS who has no connection to the Gods? I'm certainly not defending her habit, I'm just pointing out that we can't expect everything from anyone.

And a general note: for those who have problems meeting a relationship partner and/or making a relationship with someone work, it is often from past-life bonds to another whom they have not been reunited with in the current life.

There are SS who smoke, drink and do drugs ? Wut ???

and fuck around

 

[NinRick]

Lydia" post_id=475218 time=1701414017 user_id=57]
It takes time, even lifetimes, for people to become better and evolve. There are SS who vape and smoke cigarettes and drink, even some who do drugs, so why have such high standards for a non-SS who has no connection to the Gods? I'm certainly not defending her habit, I'm just pointing out that we can't expect everything from anyone.

And a general note: for those who have problems meeting a relationship partner and/or making a relationship with someone work, it is often from past-life bonds to another whom they have not been reunited with in the current life.

And also, we jumped from 1 Billion 100 years ago, to 8 Billion people in global population. So of course most people are lower than in ancient times, when you consider that over 82.5% are living their very first life right now.

The average understanding of the most basic things in human nature, must have been far superior in people of ancient times, compared to the modern Human of the 2000‘s.

 

[Wotanwarrior]

Lydia" post_id=475218 time=1701414017 user_id=57]And a general note: for those who have problems meeting a relationship partner and/or making a relationship with someone work, it is often from past-life bonds to another whom they have not been reunited with in the current life.

I know how that feels, feeling that you miss something and feeling incomplete, since I was a teenager I have felt like that, the only difference is that before I didn't know what the cause was.

 

[General Yeager]

Lydia" post_id=475218 time=1701414017 user_id=57]
It takes time, even lifetimes, for people to become better and evolve. There are SS who vape and smoke cigarettes and drink, even some who do drugs, so why have such high standards for a non-SS who has no connection to the Gods? I'm certainly not defending her habit, I'm just pointing out that we can't expect everything from anyone.

And a general note: for those who have problems meeting a relationship partner and/or making a relationship with someone work, it is often from past-life bonds to another whom they have not been reunited with in the current life.

There are SS who smoke, drink and do drugs ? Wut ???

and fuck around

I wouldn't consider someone who isn't actively trying to get rid of addictions and harmful activities like Smoking and Drinking as an SS. To me they seem like any worthless disposable Life tbh.

 

[DarkPagan666]

You seem to be stuck in a loop of focusing on the negatives. It seems like you're holding onto some frustration and hurt, and that's totally understandable. That rut of a mentality you are in now though, will ease and cease with time. I have been there. Sometimes, however, that mindset can hold someone back. Thankfully, this can be resolved with workings. Perhaps you should address any lingering karma through a working that's affecting your outlook on relationships. Stay true to your beliefs and continue growing, while being open to understanding and accepting of others, even if they're not on the same spiritual journey as you.

 

[GoldenxChild1]

Lydia" post_id=475218 time=1701414017 user_id=57]
It takes time, even lifetimes, for people to become better and evolve. There are SS who vape and smoke cigarettes and drink, even some who do drugs, so why have such high standards for a non-SS who has no connection to the Gods? I'm certainly not defending her habit, I'm just pointing out that we can't expect everything from anyone.

And a general note: for those who have problems meeting a relationship partner and/or making a relationship with someone work, it is often from past-life bonds to another whom they have not been reunited with in the current life.

There are SS who smoke, drink and do drugs ? Wut ???

I dedicated in 2017 and screwed around with all the above until 2020, but I was still an SS and participated in some rituals and had a daily (less quality, however) meditation and yoga program.

So, it is possible haha.

Now, I even limit the caffeine I ingest.

Praise Satan!

 

[V12-POWER]

Lydia" post_id=475218 time=1701414017 user_id=57]
It takes time, even lifetimes, for people to become better and evolve. There are SS who vape and smoke cigarettes and drink, even some who do drugs, so why have such high standards for a non-SS who has no connection to the Gods? I'm certainly not defending her habit, I'm just pointing out that we can't expect everything from anyone.

And a general note: for those who have problems meeting a relationship partner and/or making a relationship with someone work, it is often from past-life bonds to another whom they have not been reunited with in the current life.

There are SS who smoke, drink and do drugs ? Wut ???

I dedicated in 2017 and screwed around with all the above until 2020, but I was still an SS and participated in some rituals and had a daily (less quality, however) meditation and yoga program.

So, it is possible haha.

Now, I even limit the caffeine I ingest.

Praise Satan!

yeah but in the end, as you see, you end up dropping these things because they simply do no good biologically/psychologically

when I was 15-19 I went out every weekend, got drunk every weekend. yet just after some months meditating and doing yoga I stopped drinking. this wasn't me believing I was some sort of demi-god, but the fact that taking a sip made me feel like shit instantly. it was a physical need to stay sober.

and going out and all that is still fun as fuck being sober, so it's not like you need to do drugs or whatever to enjoy a party or a club or whatever, just surround yourself with people that make you comfortable, there's no need to take any of that shit

 

[Maya]

...

The approach of this subject is always fragile. I totally get you. Well the thing is that the majority of the people who have an interest in "our stuff" when they taste it they cut all interest all of a sudden. Fear is the biggest factor, and in combination with possible attack (because the enemy always tries to discourage anyone from seeing the truth; the enemy tries to step on our weaknesses), this is the result, chickening out.

My best friend for example. Every year or so she starts asking me questions with such enthusiasm like a child would. She doesn't know I am an SS but she knows I do tarot readings, astrology readings (she actually asks for a report) she asks to do some yoga with me, she asks about my stones and herbs. You got the point. And then she does exactly what you described. She even avoids me for a bit. That's their choice. It's like a child being scared of the dark and having curiosity to sneak peek the dark room in the house but doesn't. They avoid it. The fear wins. They want to but the matrix consumes them. No matter how you name it the result is the same. Our choice is a hard choice.

You know, vaping, smoking, drinking etc. are usually defence mechanisms individuals adopt. They do this because they "want to feel included" or "this is the only thing that helps me in difficult situations" etc. which usually is the only steadiness they have in their lives (seeing this by their unconscious point of view) and many more kinds of excuses for the brain to continue the habit. You expressed yourself with the kindest of intentions, but what all she understood was something triggering her, something hitting her defence, and that's the reason she reacted the way she did. She couldn't understand that you say this for her own good, for her own health for instance.

When someone doesn't want to be helped, it doesn't matter what you do and how much effort you put. They simply want to remain as is. Some people need some more time in order to start willing to help themselves, and only when this happens they will accept help.

 

[NinRick]

There are SS who smoke, drink and do drugs ? Wut ???

and fuck around

I wouldn't consider someone who isn't actively trying to get rid of addictions and harmful activities like Smoking and Drinking as an SS. To me they seem like any worthless disposable Life tbh.

Well, they are still Spiritual Satanists, as Satan alone decides who is a Satanist, and who is not.
I‘d say that those people are just weak.

 

[13th_Wolf]

There are SS who smoke, drink and do drugs ? Wut ???

and fuck around

I wouldn't consider someone who isn't actively trying to get rid of addictions and harmful activities like Smoking and Drinking as an SS. To me they seem like any worthless disposable Life tbh.

Well that was me potentially. I was probably going to end up in prison or insane. I think I might have been. I'd have killed someone or something for sure. Is my life worthless and disposable? Part of me thinks so rightly or wrongly. When you're dying your cells don't care if you disagree or agree or if you're an SS. The tide doesn't care, and if someone is like a fucking orphan or something they will do things as above and not care, divorced from principle.

It doesn't really matter at all if you or anyone of us finds it upsetting. Only what we do in spite of it and to work with it. This world is full of all sorts of strange things.

This would be the value of faith, I think.

 

[General Yeager]

and fuck around

I wouldn't consider someone who isn't actively trying to get rid of addictions and harmful activities like Smoking and Drinking as an SS. To me they seem like any worthless disposable Life tbh.

Well that was me potentially. I was probably going to end up in prison or insane. I think I might have been. I'd have killed someone or something for sure. Is my life worthless and disposable? Part of me thinks so rightly or wrongly. When you're dying your cells don't care if you disagree or agree or if you're an SS. The tide doesn't care, and if someone is like a fucking orphan or something they will do things as above and not care, divorced from principle.

It doesn't really matter at all if you or anyone of us finds it upsetting. Only what we do in spite of it and to work with it. This world is full of all sorts of strange things.

This would be the value of faith, I think.

If you were actively trying to change then I would say that you were still an SS. If you had faith in the Gods and yourself that you would change.

But if not then I couldn't tell the difference between anyone going down the wrong path and another one also going down the wrong path and doing nothing to Prevent it.

 

[13th_Wolf]

I wouldn't consider someone who isn't actively trying to get rid of addictions and harmful activities like Smoking and Drinking as an SS. To me they seem like any worthless disposable Life tbh.

Well that was me potentially. I was probably going to end up in prison or insane. I think I might have been. I'd have killed someone or something for sure. Is my life worthless and disposable? Part of me thinks so rightly or wrongly. When you're dying your cells don't care if you disagree or agree or if you're an SS. The tide doesn't care, and if someone is like a fucking orphan or something they will do things as above and not care, divorced from principle.

It doesn't really matter at all if you or anyone of us finds it upsetting. Only what we do in spite of it and to work with it. This world is full of all sorts of strange things.

This would be the value of faith, I think.

If you were actively trying to change then I would say that you were still an SS. If you had faith in the Gods and yourself that you would change.

But if not then I couldn't tell the difference between anyone going down the wrong path and another one also going down the wrong path and doing nothing to Prevent it.

I know what you mean, telling the difference. Generally though in the case of what we know about this world that it has been cornered at all sides spiritually very recently, with the reality of youth and how people are influenced from all wakes of life. The depth of the lies people built their lives from only to crumble and return back to the same false philosophies is what the JoS disseminates a lot about. I remember that part at the start of Mein Kampf where Hitler wrote about how it was for the working class in Vienna of that time in his early life. Families to a single room and drunk fathers working long hours, battered wives and sons. This is where the world has come from.

To have the opportunity to see beyond these things is what is so valuable, but if someone crawls here as I did (my first post was asking for help similar to some threads people would scoff or cringe at, it got rejected I think by Mageson at the time- then I made this profile) not that anyone is deserving of help but these things have to be understood. Like that one sermon by Maxine on the site about people doing spiritual work in prisons and so forth, having access to valuable information. Rock bottom is a good enough place to start and I'm glad I didn't have to.

Telling the difference is not impossible it's just related to the other features of a soul one might lack and have to develop. A certain empathy and awareness. There are many people who are healthy and devoted, having access to things and this wouldn't go right because of the contentedness and there are shortcomings. Then there's a person who starts from rock bottom or essentially that and they might have weaknesses but more potential to affect change in the hard physics of that person's will and drive. If they aren't made aware at some point then that might not be so. So it is important to be able to see that difference, to give people a chance within reason.

To something else entirely we are all worthless, disposable life regardless of appearances, so I would say we should use all the help we can possibly muster

 

[Wotanwarrior]

With Andrapoda people you should only interact as much as necessary: parients, work colleagues, sport colleagues, neighbors or your duties as a citizen, but never more than that and never waste time trying to get closer to them.

 

[Lunar Dance 666]

With Andrapoda people you should only interact as much as necessary: parients, work colleagues, sport colleagues, neighbors or your duties as a citizen, but never more than that and never waste time trying to get closer to them.

parients? patients? or parents? or both?

Life should be worth living and should be joyous.

For some people that means that they'd interact more with andrapoda even, than other people who might be more of an introvert nature.. Do not shy away from interacting with others, andrapoda even, but choose who would be alright to share your time / energy with, and to what extend.

Having fun and spending time with the positive and good is just as much necessary as it is to being dutiful and diligent in your workings, meditations, etc. Know that you always have a choice to opt out and to opt in to other people.

Sometimes being more alone is what you need, for whatever reason.. but don't tell others that that is the only way to go. Humans are social creatures after all. We don't do well if we are completely alone.

Some people can really be a hamper to your progress, not always in taking away time from you but from the mindset they bring with them, that does not allow you to be motivated to meditate, in example.
It would be harder to overcome but cutting those people out, or keeping them at a distance from you would be beneficial in that case, as well as cutting ties, keeping your chakras closed, continuous progress and cleaning, regardless of what comes up.

The best would be if you could balance both. Do both the spirtual work, your job/duties and keeping up with a social life. You don't have to sacrifice one completely to do the other.
Just do what is best suited to you at that moment.


Something else I wanted to add here.. I've spoken to some andrapoda with better interaction and understanding than that I've seen from some brothers/sisters on the forums here.
Being dedicated does not instantly mean that you are a more decent or better person than those who are without. You work to become this.

 

[Henu the Great]

Something else I wanted to add here.. I've spoken to some andrapoda with better interaction and understanding than that I've seen from some brothers/sisters on the forums here.
Being dedicated does not instantly mean that you are a more decent or better person than those who are without. You work to become this.

Mind you, harmonious synastry and common interests play a huge role in interpersonal relations. Here we have some people at odds even, and it has to do with synastry, above all. Next comes the level of maturity, understanding, and all of those kinds of factors. That being said, in general, we understand why this is so. It is more complex than simply declaring 'andrapoda' on a person.

 

[Wotanwarrior]

With Andrapoda people you should only interact as much as necessary: parients, work colleagues, sport colleagues, neighbors or your duties as a citizen, but never more than that and never waste time trying to get closer to them.

parients? patients? or parents? or both?

Life should be worth living and should be joyous.

For some people that means that they'd interact more with andrapoda even, than other people who might be more of an introvert nature.. Do not shy away from interacting with others, andrapoda even, but choose who would be alright to share your time / energy with, and to what extend.

Having fun and spending time with the positive and good is just as much necessary as it is to being dutiful and diligent in your workings, meditations, etc. Know that you always have a choice to opt out and to opt in to other people.

Sometimes being more alone is what you need, for whatever reason.. but don't tell others that that is the only way to go. Humans are social creatures after all. We don't do well if we are completely alone.

Some people can really be a hamper to your progress, not always in taking away time from you but from the mindset they bring with them, that does not allow you to be motivated to meditate, in example.
It would be harder to overcome but cutting those people out, or keeping them at a distance from you would be beneficial in that case, as well as cutting ties, keeping your chakras closed, continuous progress and cleaning, regardless of what comes up.

The best would be if you could balance both. Do both the spirtual work, your job/duties and keeping up with a social life. You don't have to sacrifice one completely to do the other.
Just do what is best suited to you at that moment.


Something else I wanted to add here.. I've spoken to some andrapoda with better interaction and understanding than that I've seen from some brothers/sisters on the forums here.
Being dedicated does not instantly mean that you are a more decent or better person than those who are without. You work to become this.

https://ancient-forums.com/viewtopic.php?p=476050#p476050

This expresses my opinion 100%, if they are people who hinder and are an obstacle in my advance as I do not care if is a close relative I prefer to get away from them, I am not interested in doing things that I do not like just to strengthen relationships with other people.

 

[Lunar Dance 666]

Something else I wanted to add here.. I've spoken to some andrapoda with better interaction and understanding than that I've seen from some brothers/sisters on the forums here.
Being dedicated does not instantly mean that you are a more decent or better person than those who are without. You work to become this.

Mind you, harmonious synastry and common interests play a huge role in interpersonal relations. Here we have some people at odds even, and it has to do with synastry, above all. Next comes the level of maturity, understanding, and all of those kinds of factors. That being said, in general, we understand why this is so. It is more complex than simply declaring 'andrapoda' on a person.

To be fair, knowing what I know now, I do find the term andrapoda kind of offensive to give to other people. I've never been one to slam such terminology around though. I just meant 'those who are without' in this context, nothing more.

 

[Lunar Dance 666]

https://ancient-forums.com/viewtopic.php?p=476050#p476050

This expresses my opinion 100%, if they are people who hinder and are an obstacle in my advance as I do not care if is a close relative I prefer to get away from them, I am not interested in doing things that I do not like just to strengthen relationships with other people.

Fair enough.
Just so you know, I never said that you should keep in touch with someone that is harmful to you, or try to have any kind of relationship with someone that is not in some way beneficial to you. Neither did I say that you should do things that you do not like.

In my opinion, you do make it come across as if this is the case.

 

[Dragonheart666]

I fully understand.. dude you should have every right! To make your choices to who you want to associate with and who you want to avoid. I'm not on here to boss people around or tell people what to do. Just the same as the next person. Nobody's forcing you into doing anything you don't want to do

 

[Niko_is_666]

There are SS who smoke, drink and do drugs ? Wut ???

Yeah, one can develop bad habits before coming to Satan, and even after coming to Satan[has to do with cleaning, karmic, and of course the enemy attacks.]
One must strive to become better version of themselves, that's how the Gods became Gods. It doesn't have to be an overnight change, as it can be impossible for most at least, little by little one can get rid of any addiction/habit. Especially us SS, we have magick at their disposal.

 

[Dragonheart666]

It's more than just getting off the drugs! Its also getting your mind., back in order too. SO it is a full time healing! From the inside out. Which takes years. Depending on the individual Satanist. And over coming other bad habits too. That goes along with how others treated you, and what the individual went threw in a relationship? While being on drugs and the self hate that is also there too, self doubt, fear and funding love in yourself. Letting go of the past. Forging yourself. And giving into your subconscious mind.
Letting someone help you. And learning to be free again! To grown and learn from the mistakes. To be able to move forward and make tha better of one's self