I was brought up to be a christian, not by a family but my single mother who taught me and enforced prayers and other useless knowledge as early on as she could. She started doing meth very heavily when I was 6 and then the abuse began. One particular paranoid delusion that I recall which she forced upon me that year was the "end times prophecies". Won't get into all that, as its pure nonsense. I went to a church regularly, and my mom started making me go so she could go get high. I was smart and could already read at a high level and read the children's bible several times and once read the entire pocket bible I was given, although it greatly confused me, and I understood none of it. I was baptised at age 8. I rememeber feeling nothing in church those years. I was sad, ashamed, guilty, and disappointed in myself that I could not feel the power of "god" as others seemed to. Church left me feeling bored. Empty inside. everything changed soon after when my father died when I was 9. I had only met my father a few years prior. I already had a history of behavioral issues due to abuse and neglect, and when my father died my true depression and anger manifested and haven't left me since. The day my mother told me he died which was a week after he passed, the first thing I did was retreat and curse "god" to no end. I completely dropped any bit of faith I had. I've been lost ever since then. The one thing I've been able to hold on to and cherish in most of my life is music. I got ahold of my fathers collection of metal music and began to explore what I saw to be a darker path by identifying with the imagery and lyrics as much as possible. Over the years my taste in music grew darker as my mental pain level and disdain for humanity and christianity grew. I became infatuated with black metal. Particularly Satanic black metal. I was never sure why, but I always preferred Satanic music. The lyrics of the album " Let The Devil In" pierced my soul more than anything I've ever heard, as well as "Satanic Black Devotion" is one of my favorite albums ever and truly brings tears to my eyes and invokes a deep fire that is... pure joy through release of melancholy and anger.
I am now 23 and life isn't any easier. I suffer from great depression. Constant and oppressive feelings of emptiness, loneliness, inadequacy, alienation. Although I dress and look like everyone else I feel as if I am unexplainably treated as a leper. Hated, shunned, and avoided. Or possibly even feared, misunderstood, and unnaproachable as a life of harsh conditions has turned me sour, bitter, and permanently frustrated. I find myself drowning with indignation, and the fire within me, my anger manifested, burns brighter and more violently than ever before as I constantly fantasize of suicide and murder.
The other day, at my lowest possible point, as I lay on the bathroom floor at work, paralyzed with sadness,anxiety,anger, and suicidal thoughts, I hear few knocks on the bathroom door. A light knock, but the volume of it traveled...and I said "one minute" and pulled myself together and out of the bathroom to find that it would've been impossible for anyone to have knocked. In other words it was not a human being.
Today I had another breakdown and for the first time in my life, I surrendered. I surrendered to the fact that Satan may be real. All the sudden i felt anger melt down into tears of joy as all I could see was fire in my minds eye, but a royal fire of splendor not a fire of pain and injustice.
I all the sudden feel like I have a whole life ahead of me. This pit doesn't feel as deep now, I believe I can ascend!
For the first time, I think I can believe in something. I'm ready to start my journey into Satanism. Nothing has ever made me feel this good. I shed tears of joy as I type these words and thank you for reading this.
I am now 23 and life isn't any easier. I suffer from great depression. Constant and oppressive feelings of emptiness, loneliness, inadequacy, alienation. Although I dress and look like everyone else I feel as if I am unexplainably treated as a leper. Hated, shunned, and avoided. Or possibly even feared, misunderstood, and unnaproachable as a life of harsh conditions has turned me sour, bitter, and permanently frustrated. I find myself drowning with indignation, and the fire within me, my anger manifested, burns brighter and more violently than ever before as I constantly fantasize of suicide and murder.
The other day, at my lowest possible point, as I lay on the bathroom floor at work, paralyzed with sadness,anxiety,anger, and suicidal thoughts, I hear few knocks on the bathroom door. A light knock, but the volume of it traveled...and I said "one minute" and pulled myself together and out of the bathroom to find that it would've been impossible for anyone to have knocked. In other words it was not a human being.
Today I had another breakdown and for the first time in my life, I surrendered. I surrendered to the fact that Satan may be real. All the sudden i felt anger melt down into tears of joy as all I could see was fire in my minds eye, but a royal fire of splendor not a fire of pain and injustice.
I all the sudden feel like I have a whole life ahead of me. This pit doesn't feel as deep now, I believe I can ascend!
For the first time, I think I can believe in something. I'm ready to start my journey into Satanism. Nothing has ever made me feel this good. I shed tears of joy as I type these words and thank you for reading this.
I hope you can get outta any pain or suffering you have. May your enemys kneel before you, and may you always be able to protect that which you hold dear.
