devilsAdvocate Nic
Member
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2006
- Messages
- 265
Warning...its a long one... I was home alone- as usual...
So i got my deck and set of runes to find out abt a few things. My runes are consecrated en i use them for devination. I was abit skeptical abt asking them because at times they rub ugly truths in my face!! You know....they give me answers that at times i dnt want to hear...
But anyway..i asked them abt a couple of few things and they were ryt..they told me a lot abt my spiritual progress. I also asked them about this trip that am supposed to make..a journey. They told me a lot of stuff abt fate..how this whole thing is out of my hands..they told me abt how home is best..and so much Bs that really upset me.
I was like hell no..i need to make this trip(truth is this would be a great escape for me!!_one that i really need.)
I told them they were giving me so much that i couldnt add up. So i asked for a straight answer.. I have a deck of runes..and a set of ceramic rune stones..i made them both. For straight answers i consult the stones...i draw NAUTHIZ and ISA and throw them for yez or no. Just the two of them.
I got a lot of negative answers.
I was growing more and more frustrated. So i consulted the deck..asking why the trip wasn't going to be possible.
I draw three runes to represent the past present and future. But this time i decided to draw just one rune from the deck!! <SighWell i drew Raido in reverse!!
And that is as clear as it can get abt a journey or any travel plans. Raido in reverse can mean bad luck..or the travel plans will be upset..or worse!!! That was clear enough to know that there was to be no trip or there better be no trip. I got so furrious.. But then a very random thought crossed mi mind!! Out of the blue..I told my self that...
"If that trip does not happen i will die"
I wrapped up ny runes en put them away.
The shocker is how my mind started to capitalise on the "i will die" part!! Now...
i did something so terrible that i won't be able to face my parents in the near future. The trip would some how save me from facing them. Wel after the rune session i started feeling troubled..
I started praying to Satan that he helps me out...i begged him to make this escape possible...
But my mind kept telling me that the journey will NOT happen.
That made me feel like perhaps that was Satans answer.. that i should just chill and find other means. I started getting depressed. Picturing what my mom would do if she found out what i had done.
I started geting clear images of a crucifixion in my head. That's what my mother would do to me.....but then that's not worse than disowning me..or me having to watch the pain in her eyes as she sufferers from the shock of my betrayal.
I tryed to dismiss the thoughts but they just got more and more intense!!
I got so worrid abt how i was going to handle the whole situation.
Oh i felt the need of escape so desperately!!
Then one single clear thought crossed ny mind.
DEATH!!
There's no beter escape than death.
There's nothing to fear abt death afteral. I will go to hell....which is nothing like the tells of toure islam promises. Just get a knife and slit your throat.
That easy..it is the quickest way..
In less than half an hour i had made over ten different suicide strategies. I told my self that i couldn't do that to my family..not to my mom.
A voice in my head..sked me if i was kidding my self...that there's nothing that i could do that could outweigh the damage and betrayal that i had already done.
That..
Am a hypocrite
A faluire..
And a lair!!!!
That my mother can never forgive me for what i have done!! So i should deal with that.. never like NEVER in my life have i ever thought abt suicide!!
But here i was..with a vivid picture of a knife stuck in my throat imprinted on my mind.
I felt like such a loser...and i was crying and i started to have one of those terrible moments of emotional breakdown. I jumped into my bed and cryed..like i always do.
And when i was tired of crying i decided to do medition...but the foul thoughts of suicide hadnt gone away!!
The more i tryed to meditate my mind would just run back to it..
It all just rose up like bile in my throat en i was chocking on it..
The voice in my head started to get a aggressive..saying..
'Cmon..
The life your leading already sucks..
Think about it..
Your broke..
You gat no frends..
You spend the entire day locked in with a book in yr hands pretending to read this and that..
Yet you should be out doing what girls your age do...living life!!
Then your family...its not your family really..your different! Your not wanted....i mean if you can't blend into your own family then where can you blend in??
You have aleays been the black ship of the family..the only two people that stand by you__Your mother and brother..you have not only failed them..but betrayed them!!!
If you dnt comitt suicide then you will have to watch your mother die before your own eyes from the shock!! Well..That went on for hours... Suddenly i just told the voice in my mind.."OH FUCK OFF!!!" stop hounding me..
But the voice in my head raised its..err..voice..en sed..GO ON KEEP LYING TO YOUR SELF..oh your good at that too. Blame this on the angels..you can blame the mess your in on the angels too..
Only one fact remains...YOUR DOOMED!!
But you dnt have to go through it all..Satan loves you..you can always just ask him to reincarnate you into a beter life.
All you have to do is end this mess and you wnt have to answer to no one!! No one!! I started thinking abt the day my mom will learn the truth of what i have done..and i came to agree that...that moment alone would kill us both.
Then i thought abt my lonely life...and agreed that iam my living life the wrong way!!
But above all...uggh.. I was so disgusted with my life..
En i wished the ground could swallow me.
In that moment i felt that suicide was the only pleasant thought on my mind...and at that moment it was all i had that thought... Drowning in the pools of my tears...my cell phone rang...but i couldn't recognise the number.
I pickked up and didn't say a word..there was this pain I'm my throat from crying that couldn't allow me to speak. Well it was just some guy that i helped out at school that had called to say thank you.
But he sed something that made me smile. Huh..
I am the sort of person that would smile ear to ear even amidist tears...given even the smallest reason to laugh.
He didn't say much but i found myself happy.
I didn't even prompt him to say much but i was....happy.
I was so happy to here an actual persons voice other than my delusions.
His voice made me feel like...am not alone in the world. Which feeling had engulfed me for hours. Well now i know that i was happy because am the kind of person that is naturally happy.
And you can only be happy because you appreciate life. Yes..i sit alone locked in..but i find my joy in my books. And reading makes me happy.
My family members dispise me because i dnt wear a veil and i date nonmoslems en i dnt go to the mosque...FUCK them!! Then my mother...she loves me more than any thing in this world..she will surely forgive me. Father saved me from the torment of angels...that's because....well....its not very often i get calls from ...strangers.
All i know is after the call i did not feel depressed any more or even think about suicide!!!
