Working on My Communication Skills, Overcoming Fear, and Building Confidence

Yesterday at 5:50 AM#1

You need to send a message that says something. What’s holding you back is that. Offer her flowers and coffee date or hike, or look at what she likes. Idk because I’m not a guy but if the first message doesn’t stick the safe route is to not send a second one, but if you’re my ex you’d call 5 times each time you run into me. You could try micromanaging her life which she might find helpful for a while. My ex was an actual genius for this when it came to women because I would say things that would reveal “things I needed” and he’d instantly deliver. Not just buying things but errands, making phone calls, cleaning. If I said I couldn’t go out because I had chores to do he would reschedule his entire day, come CLEAN FOR ME, and then he’d just barely have time to bring me along to whatever he wanted to do. It was literally ridiculous but I would’ve never done anything with him if he didn’t. He didn’t really let no be an option in the positive sense but obviously a lot of the time that does absolutely not work. It’s just if he had an IN he would really dial it in.

Yesterday at 6:04 AM#2

Another thing he did, and I can only say because it just worked and helped, it was a sad time for me. I told him I would get depressed over someone close to me passing away, I said he made the best Thai food. I said “I can’t find any Thai restaurants that would ever compare to what he made”

I think he was trying to get me to go on a first date with him. So what he did was tell me that he knew a place that was REALLY good, he said “I promise it’s nothing like anything you’ve ever had in your city,”

So I did it… he took me to a Thai restaurant and it was so close to what I was talking about, I was genuinely shocked and it meant so much to me. We had a connection that took time to build and it took time for me to actually want to be around him. Instead of allowing rejection get to him he was actively setting aside his insecurities, personal feelings, and other things so he could hear what I was actually saying versus what his mind could perceive it as. He heard “I don’t think so because I’m sad” as an opportunity to help versus “okay whatever that’s just an excuse,” and honestly even if it was true that I didn’t want to the pushing that he did contributed to some really necessary changes. You just have to actually want to make things better for someone too.

Another thing he did, and I can only say because it just worked and helped, it was a sad time for me. I told him I would get depressed over someone close to me passing away, I said he made the best Thai food. I said “I can’t find any Thai restaurants that would ever compare to what he made”

I think he was trying to get me to go on a first date with him. So what he did was tell me that he knew a place that was REALLY good, he said “I promise it’s nothing like anything you’ve ever had in your city,”

So I did it… he took me to a Thai restaurant and it was so close to what I was talking about, I was genuinely shocked and it meant so much to me. We had a connection that took time to build and it took time for me to actually want to be around him. Instead of allowing rejection get to him he was actively setting aside his insecurities, personal feelings, and other things so he could hear what I was actually saying versus what his mind could perceive it as. He heard “I don’t think so because I’m sad” as an opportunity to help versus “okay whatever that’s just an excuse,” and honestly even if it was true that I didn’t want to the pushing that he did contributed to some really necessary changes. You just have to actually want to make things better for someone too.

Yesterday at 6:20 AM#3

Hi Trissmegitus,

I really appreciate your efforts here, getting out of your comfort zone (that's exactly where the growth is!) And how wise for you to see the value in silence and not having that anxious need to be filling that silence with idle small talk. Its unnecessary. Be proud of yourself and give yourself credit along the way.

You're absolutely right, some people have insecurities that make them uncomfortable in silence, let them. Thats for them to sort out.

As for the girl, try not to overthink it and get too much in your head, be yourself. Do you know her name? If not introduce yourself, start by greeting her often, work up to more. Have confidence in yourself, value what you bring to the conversation.... And if you're not sure what that is yet , at least you know , a good place to start....work on that first.

Affirmations can be a great way to rewire the brain, one up with your goals and build confidence. By what you've written here , I think you're already off to a good start! 👍

Hi Trissmegitus,

I really appreciate your efforts here, getting out of your comfort zone (that's exactly where the growth is!) And how wise for you to see the value in silence and not having that anxious need to be filling that silence with idle small talk. Its unnecessary. Be proud of yourself and give yourself credit along the way.

You're absolutely right, some people have insecurities that make them uncomfortable in silence, let them. Thats for them to sort out.

As for the girl, try not to overthink it and get too much in your head, be yourself. Do you know her name? If not introduce yourself, start by greeting her often, work up to more. Have confidence in yourself, value what you bring to the conversation.... And if you're not sure what that is yet , at least you know , a good place to start....work on that first.

Affirmations can be a great way to rewire the brain, one up with your goals and build confidence. By what you've written here , I think you're already off to a good start! 👍

Yesterday at 6:28 AM#4

When I tried to break up with him, fun story but details I’ve also never shared - which was a few times because of certain things (maturity differences) he was drinking around with cocaine being in the music industry.

I sat him down and I told him very clearly that no matter what he’s doing, who he thinks he’s impressing, and no matter how hard he tries I will not allow drugs near me or my child, and that he would not be allowed to come over if he was using drugs at all.

So what’s his next move, ya know, with addiction people don’t just quit or they’re so self absorbed. I knew it was the right choice even if he didn’t come back. He said “okay I’ll stop,” I said sure whatever, he literally DID stop. he literally quit drinking and doing drugs just to be with me.

Flash forward one thing I regret is accidentally telling a [content removed by mod] girl in the group some personal details. Drama is over now but both of us experienced issues saving the relationship after some really serious things happening. It’s a good story though, and I didn’t have to give that ultimatum & ultimately he didn’t have to quit but I did, and he did, and things were phenomenal.

Last edited: Yesterday at 11:09 PM

When I tried to break up with him, fun story but details I’ve also never shared - which was a few times because of certain things (maturity differences) he was drinking around with cocaine being in the music industry.

I sat him down and I told him very clearly that no matter what he’s doing, who he thinks he’s impressing, and no matter how hard he tries I will not allow drugs near me or my child, and that he would not be allowed to come over if he was using drugs at all.

So what’s his next move, ya know, with addiction people don’t just quit or they’re so self absorbed. I knew it was the right choice even if he didn’t come back. He said “okay I’ll stop,” I said sure whatever, he literally DID stop. he literally quit drinking and doing drugs just to be with me.

Flash forward one thing I regret is accidentally telling a [content removed by mod] girl in the group some personal details. Drama is over now but both of us experienced issues saving the relationship after some really serious things happening. It’s a good story though, and I didn’t have to give that ultimatum & ultimately he didn’t have to quit but I did, and he did, and things were phenomenal.

Yesterday at 7:37 AM#5

This is the targeted message.

A public speaking and/or acting course is a commendable idea. Of course, just evaluate where you are and make sure you're not throwing yourself into the deep end ahead of time. These courses do build you up, but they can sometimes expect things of you you may not yet be ready for. Take the plunge if you're feeling confident enough, definitely.

It should be said as well, everyone is different. Not everyone is going to be a really extroverted chatterbox. There are introverts, extroverts and everything in between. It's okay to be quieter than others, but it's also okay to want to be more social as well. With friends too, being able to have comfortable silences can be a sign of a trusting, healthy relationship.

Like you say, small talk isn't really much your thing. But understand also, it is something of a learned skill in navigating life that can save you from awkwardness or giving you the propensity to seem polite. The more you engage with people in day to day life the easier it comes. Things these days do tend to be more socially distant at the baseline, and depending on where you live, places like supermarkets (for example) may have self-checkouts and traditional ones where you interact with a cashier. If you have a choice, maybe force yourself to use the latter. Again, small things.

Regarding your potential romantic interests, it's entirely natural for such a thing to spur you on, and it's also natural to fear rejection. It's generic advice, but the only way you can build up to more is by actually doing more. Ask how she spent her weekend, maybe. From there you can perhaps glean what she's interested in and try to find some common ground. Once you've had a few casual chats, you may even have the courage to ask if she's interested in getting a drink, a coffee, etc. Even if you don't succeed, it's still worth respectfully taking a shot.

A public speaking and/or acting course is a commendable idea. Of course, just evaluate where you are and make sure you're not throwing yourself into the deep end ahead of time. These courses do build you up, but they can sometimes expect things of you you may not yet be ready for. Take the plunge if you're feeling confident enough, definitely.

It should be said as well, everyone is different. Not everyone is going to be a really extroverted chatterbox. There are introverts, extroverts and everything in between. It's okay to be quieter than others, but it's also okay to want to be more social as well. With friends too, being able to have comfortable silences can be a sign of a trusting, healthy relationship.

Like you say, small talk isn't really much your thing. But understand also, it is something of a learned skill in navigating life that can save you from awkwardness or giving you the propensity to seem polite. The more you engage with people in day to day life the easier it comes. Things these days do tend to be more socially distant at the baseline, and depending on where you live, places like supermarkets (for example) may have self-checkouts and traditional ones where you interact with a cashier. If you have a choice, maybe force yourself to use the latter. Again, small things.

Regarding your potential romantic interests, it's entirely natural for such a thing to spur you on, and it's also natural to fear rejection. It's generic advice, but the only way you can build up to more is by actually doing more. Ask how she spent her weekend, maybe. From there you can perhaps glean what she's interested in and try to find some common ground. Once you've had a few casual chats, you may even have the courage to ask if she's interested in getting a drink, a coffee, etc. Even if you don't succeed, it's still worth respectfully taking a shot.

Today at 4:38 AM#6

Hello! It could be a great idea to try out a public speaking course, this is a very beneficial skill for life! 🙏 If you are able, it would be good to ask your instructor this question too for their input based on what they see.

On what can specifically help with socialising with others is to have a genuine interest in them and their opinions (to an appropriate degree, that is balanced with your level of familiarity).

To begin, it can include their surface level thoughts on what events/circumstances/interests are in proximity to how you've met with them, such as work and career plans, nostalgic candy and cultural food, current events for your age bracket, arts & cultural things and hobbies (movies, tv shows, clothing, local events etc) and building up from there based on their level of reciprocation and interest (any social interaction should be balanced, this reduces pressure on you as well on overinvesting beyond what is appropriate, you'd have to gauge the pace/level based on social cues).

It should be reciprocal, she/whomever should ask you questions in turn and be interested in you too otherwise you have not yet found your people (so in this case it would be that rejection is better than persisting in a connection that isn't true care or consideration), or they may be having a bad day that day.

I do also recommend lower stakes socialising, as NG Arcadia has suggested, if it is very abstract to you, while keeping in mind your goals with the people you wish to befriend could also make you more confident and you will have some 'exposure therapy' while you're at it. I've heard that some people specifically go out with the purpose to hear more 'no's from others, like 100 days of rejection, as part of 'rejection therapy', which might be a bit extreme but the example shows that we are only out of practice 😊 like politely and respectfully asking store employees for a big discount for no reason (you might get it too 😆) or something else sort of outlandish but also low stakes (so not the people that you know and need to face daily).

Hello! It could be a great idea to try out a public speaking course, this is a very beneficial skill for life! 🙏 If you are able, it would be good to ask your instructor this question too for their input based on what they see.

On what can specifically help with socialising with others is to have a genuine interest in them and their opinions (to an appropriate degree, that is balanced with your level of familiarity).

To begin, it can include their surface level thoughts on what events/circumstances/interests are in proximity to how you've met with them, such as work and career plans, nostalgic candy and cultural food, current events for your age bracket, arts & cultural things and hobbies (movies, tv shows, clothing, local events etc) and building up from there based on their level of reciprocation and interest (any social interaction should be balanced, this reduces pressure on you as well on overinvesting beyond what is appropriate, you'd have to gauge the pace/level based on social cues).

It should be reciprocal, she/whomever should ask you questions in turn and be interested in you too otherwise you have not yet found your people (so in this case it would be that rejection is better than persisting in a connection that isn't true care or consideration), or they may be having a bad day that day.

I do also recommend lower stakes socialising, as NG Arcadia has suggested, if it is very abstract to you, while keeping in mind your goals with the people you wish to befriend could also make you more confident and you will have some 'exposure therapy' while you're at it. I've heard that some people specifically go out with the purpose to hear more 'no's from others, like 100 days of rejection, as part of 'rejection therapy', which might be a bit extreme but the example shows that we are only out of practice 😊 like politely and respectfully asking store employees for a big discount for no reason (you might get it too 😆) or something else sort of outlandish but also low stakes (so not the people that you know and need to face daily).