Ok, guys so I want to write the last comment here in respect to everyone and maybe explaining myself better. It won't be perfectly explained as I don't have the proper time, but I will make it as concise as possible and be done with it.
First, I have a volcanic nature when I am pissed. I am sorry for the sensitive ones, this is me. I am sensitive myself otherwise I would not react so horrible in situations. This is me, extremely calm usually, sweet and as normal as a person can be up until I get pissed.
I do not get pissed by small things what so ever. In my acceptance, they are never small.
Indeed, the guy's comment which I replied so 'horribly', triggered me, it has more implications, maybe all the bloody shit I ever read in the Islamic news about women sew in their private area, abuses all over the globe made to women, etc etc I won't dig into my own mind to no end, why and how I got triggered...and to cut it short, simply seeing stupid mentalities among our own people, was unacceptable. I got too far indeed, language-wise. For me was an artistic posting with some Vlad Tepes sadistic accents, for me was proper, to be honest.
Again, for everybody to understand, the killing threads weren't there as properly made, come on, and descriptions were exaggerated as far as my memory goes. I explained this in other comments. I don't mean to tame it down now, but I am saying. But indeed, was an aggressive, honest, blunt, expanded comm that I wrote and was deleted as of a result.
I do not apologise for it, because it represents me, this is me. If it was deleted with the legal, moral, image etc reasons, I would have apologised, but not for the content and/or to the guy, but strictly to the HP for the language; but HP defended fiercely the guy by telling me that he didn't understand what was so disturbing. This is the thing that made me realise that I will not participate here anymore.
Well, since HP called me in various ways I lost the interest in participating; he called me even worse but later edited and I didn't get the chance to read it properly as, to be honest, his opinion was the only one concerning me since he moderates this place; not blaming him in that deep sense, or anybody, but I cannot tolerate being disrespected with this sort of words, maybe I deserve them and even worse, I do not know this honestly, but I cannot get over it in terms of continuing posting - at the same time: I cannot and I will never 'fight' back or throw similar shit at the clergy - out of principle. My honest, primitive urge will be to say some shit in return, but I won't.
My logic is simple since I cannot answer back with the same coin to a person is better to take a big step back.
I will main my own offline spiritual journey. I was actually doing this alone for the last 3-4 years so it's fine.
This is me: usually, If I don't answer back in the same manner and/or speak my mind, I kill my spirit, I am dying inside if I don't react and ...when It comes to clergy I cannot treat it like with any other member. is about respect. That respect based on community work, responsibilities, the burden they carry day to day, etc etc. I look at the big picture, those people are working endlessly for the community, the respect and gratitude are there and no matter how angry or unfairly I would feel treated I would never cross this line with the HPs. But further commenting on here in an adjusted manner is not an option for me, either. My ego can't allow it. So since I can't make a compromise with myself as I am being true to my own self and at the same time don't want to offend or disturb hp, what I will do is the best for everybody.
I think is about my mere incapacity to function 'decent' in this group. I have said in other comments that there are double standards here, and some people are more tolerated or favoured than others based on random reasons, some proper some not, I do not care to understand.
Another reason to not participate is that I do not have obviously a good influence or impact. Nor the other way around. Honestly and fairly said, I cannot bring any healthy contribution to the community, moreover, I tend to affect it in a bad way - according to the reactions.
Another reason is that I am not a person to bend down or 'trainable' like a dog or something and nothing can be imposed on me. This didn't happen to me since 13, I do have my own personality, shitty or less shitty, define it however you want, it is as it is.
Also, there is a lot of compromises to be done here and to alter who I am in order to sound in a specific way that will somehow please the majority, or kissing ass tactics, or other manoeuvres I am not willing to do in order to FIT. I am as true as a person can be. And getting the chance to express this fact here with this occasion, I really encourage you all to be yourself because I have seen so many people pretending here like they have an id and home address attached; or like they want to create out of their nicknames some legendary personalities to be remembered in 20 years when the Gods will come. Ridiculous. Or people who are so desperate to feel validated and/or accepted. Be yourself, in the decent limits of course, and not like me, but if you cannot be honest while anonymous, I do not want to imagine how you are in real life social interactions. Be yourself, have your own word on a matter even if the majority says otherwise. Be true to yourself.
yeah, I might be a bit from all I have been accused of, I won't deny it, I accept it, is not like I would like to appear some ineffable splendid being around here or something. I am a person with good and bad, whatever. I am indeed aggressive, this is a personality trait that I inherited from a grandfather, I am a perfect copy of him and is nothing I can do about it but embrace it and direct it where is proper. Here is not proper.
other than this, I looked briefly and saw a guy or two speaking about nonsense like MY EX BF. ***** . Was some years ago, before Zevism, how the hell can I justify it, ... I wasn't the type to take life too serious, really,
it happened to be like this, this person worked for some institutions prior to this, he wasn't doing shit to random targets on the streets or cheap shit you can imagine. This info was randomly stated anyhow, I never intended to highlight it but since it grabs your attention to this point of 'judging' me based on it, I will write a bit on it. If I was to feel ashamed about it I would have simply hidden the fact, but it is only true plus I have zero shame for my existence what so ever - one of the reasons I engaged myself with him was his complexity which I will not justify to the planet in details for no reason, he was something truly intriguing, IQ above anybody can imagine, plus my eccentric curious nature, learning a lot of useful dark shit, adrenaline addiction, youth and rebellious nature, etc, furthermore pissing off my family- which was a pleasure to do for reasons I will not mention, or EVEN, IN THE END, helping my brother to man up by giving him a serious task and challenge to complete - by making him to confront this situation directly. Was fun overall.
I did a lot of similar shit to help my brother to become more 'masculine', assertive and strong-willed. My strategies are unorthodox, but whatever, they always work and it was as it was. Usually when I decide to do something is for more than one reason. All those reasons were in my mind before engaging. The magnetism between us was there indeed and the reasoning as well, but not to marry this guy, but to... experiment this and for the above-mentioned reasons. Doesn't make sense to you? Sounds mad and risky, well, it doesn't matter.
This is not to influence people, this is simply an experience of my life. And is a tiny bit of the crazy shit I did, that might worth at least a novel one day,
Sorry to the person/s being so confused about my option and asking why, but the reality of my life up until a few years ago before engaging in Zevism was quite ...unusual for ...normal people and so-called normal choices. At least in parts. So enough about this story, but I felt like justifying this in a sense for the very curious one/s digging up my older posts and bringing details up here.
I don't want to leave this forum with such a bad reputation others are imposing on me. I would feel good for people to understand that deep inside I am a normal person despite this or that. Actually most probably the sanest and normal person you will ever hear about especially when it comes to treating others. I never dragged people in shit or situation without me managing them accordingly meaning that I did not compromise other people's life due to my decisions. I am a big paradox in many aspects, but this is me, there is no internal conflict what so ever, is the people who are confused over the poorly communication possibilities and circumstances we have over here. But I treated my life as I pleased. My life is my life. No justifications in real life! I brought just some bits here for the sake of this impulsive moment of unusual (for me) justification.
But again, defining yourself as a person is impossible, at least for me, there are some things I can state, the rest is up to certain situations where I see myself in action. That's the reason why I actually used to get into sort of 'situations'-to know myself better. Theoretically, we all know ourselves which is most of the time unverified bullshit. Some things need to be tested. I said 'some'.
I wrote a lot already, can't remember others wonders or questioning me, I think this is all, and it's aimed at the people who I really genuinely liked like Rook, Nickolas, and others like T.A.O.L for being a woman with guts OR the ones I admired from the distance who read this shit - which I would not like to leave a bad or cheap impression upon myself. At least, I tried. There are people who I care what they think and people which I don't, which is normal. Like guys, I really love HP HC, but I do not care about his opinion anymore despite the respect, admiration, and reverence I have towards him.
I am sorry if I failed you in any way, guys. I will keep the good work anyhow offline mode. I've been told before that I am too honest, this is not something good or a virtue, it's how I am.
I take full reasonability for my outrageous insane behaviour which can't be modified in order to please here or there and I am treating this situation with dignity by taking a step back. As I said, It is the best I do the Zevism work offline and when the time will come, we shall meet face to face all of us. And really now communication in writing is not helping the message I can convey. Communication is like 80% nonverbal so mixing his up with my poor English is getting even worse. That's the bloody reality. And even if I hypothetically calm down now, tomorrow I might strike again so I ask politely, a humble gesture from the HP HC to just ban my account after approving this comm, so I can avoid any further temptations on future posting. I am sorry HP for the bad language I had, your quality as a professional, astrologer or spiritual person is undoubtedly unshaken in my eyes and self-evident, ..the way you moderate things around here, again, is not for me to judge because I am not in your shoes to truly see the pressure you have to face every day, but what is done is done, I provoked it, I got some reactions back which were fully deserved or not or to what extent, it doesn't matter anymore. So, again, please, ban my account. Thank you.
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