Lately, I've had to stay up pretty late to meditate and it seems to work okay for most meditations but nor for going into a trance. I've gotten a lot better at going into a trance when I've had time, but I'm really worried that since things have gotten busier I won't have enough time (It takes me about 40 minutes to go into somewhat of a trance and then maybe an hour and a half to go deeper). Time isn't so much the problem as being tired when I finally do have time. If I practice going into a trance once a week will I still make some progress? I've been meditating at least 2-3 hours a day but some days I feel like only doing 1 because I keep falling asleep during the 2nd and 3rd hour. I don't get why I feel like I need so much sleep. My mother thinks I sleep like 12 hours a day ( I really don't, I stay up late to meditate...) I've used the excuse that I was reading late, but I don't know what to tell her I was reading.. Also I feel like she wants me to account for just about everything I'm doing. If I leave the couch after dinner,for example, she says "Where are you going?" "My bedroom." "Oh. What are you doing?" And I don't really get why she cares. It's just really upsetting that I have time but she wastes my time.Isn't it normal not to be around your parents all the time? She drives me insane. And I know that she can't help it that she had brain surgery and can't spell, but every three seconds she'll call my name and ask how to spell things. If she weren't some christian fucking idiot she wouldn't be like this in the first place. She's on so much god damn medication. She's let her doctors tell her she can't work, can't drive, and yet she doesn't get any aid so our family pities us and pays for the rent and she gets so stressed out if I say anything. Half the time I'm just reminding her about things she asks me to remind her about and she yells at me. If I say that I wasn't trying to be mean she just yells at me/ "Well do you hear yourself?" Then when I try to go to my room/escape she bitches about me really loudly so she's not really talking about me but I can hear it.. Almost every other day she says she wants to put a bullet in her head. One time I didn't realize she was in a bad mood, was in the kitchen and asked if she wanted anything. She said "A bullet in my head." I can't really afford to move out even though I found a somewhat decent job because rent is going up everywhere. This is an unrelated question, but does one have to be in a trance to communicate with my guardian demon? I've tried focusing on the sigil but I haven't really heard anything although I felt like we were somewhat in contact. I'm pretty sure it's Eligos because I heard/saw the letters "Eligos" while meditating and immediate wrote it down. I wondered if that was a demon so I looked up Eligos and he is. Anyway when I was trying to make contact/communicate I saw a face but it didn't look like Eligos was described on JOS. No stripes on his face/had blond hair. Should I just keep trying to make contact then? I don't know if I'm doing things right..
Hail Satan!
Hail Satan!
