Dark Lawyer
Member
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2021
- Messages
- 173
Thank you all for your comments. We do not know each other, and yet you are genuinely helpful. And you take the time to write me advice.
I am 39 years old, and in that time it has become clear that I am not capable of surrendering myself permanently to any religious belief without direct evidence.
So, unfortunately, it is in vain that you write to me with good intentions to do this or that spiritual practice. I have already been doing my best by doing the various exercises/programmes you suggest every day without experiencing anything or my problems starting to move towards a solution.
It was the most I could do without faith. Since I am incapable of faith, and I am not experiencing the results of the exercises, I cannot continue on this path. I have no reason to continue. There are two cases in which I could continue: if I were capable of religious faith without experience on a sustained basis; or if I had experienced at least minimal results in all this time, which would have given me the ammunition to start faith.
Frankly, at 40, doomed to a life of loneliness, having made bad choices and fucked up my life, stuck in a doomed Balkan country, I don't even care if I get a new job or how much money I have to live on.
If reincarnation exists, then in my previous life or lives I may have committed suicide, and in my current life I have followed the same previous pattern, led myself into the same hopeless situation, and just as irreversibly fucked up my life.
Although I can't believe that either, because of course all the signs point to the fact that we live once and there is nothing after death. At least I think that no one on this forum can prove otherwise.
Whatever the truth, my current life is irreversibly the way it is. And I feel that my way is Cioran's nihilism. Whatever ideals or spiritual ideas I try to commit myself to permanently, I always come back here and feel at home. In nothingness.
I am 39 years old, and in that time it has become clear that I am not capable of surrendering myself permanently to any religious belief without direct evidence.
So, unfortunately, it is in vain that you write to me with good intentions to do this or that spiritual practice. I have already been doing my best by doing the various exercises/programmes you suggest every day without experiencing anything or my problems starting to move towards a solution.
It was the most I could do without faith. Since I am incapable of faith, and I am not experiencing the results of the exercises, I cannot continue on this path. I have no reason to continue. There are two cases in which I could continue: if I were capable of religious faith without experience on a sustained basis; or if I had experienced at least minimal results in all this time, which would have given me the ammunition to start faith.
Frankly, at 40, doomed to a life of loneliness, having made bad choices and fucked up my life, stuck in a doomed Balkan country, I don't even care if I get a new job or how much money I have to live on.
If reincarnation exists, then in my previous life or lives I may have committed suicide, and in my current life I have followed the same previous pattern, led myself into the same hopeless situation, and just as irreversibly fucked up my life.
Although I can't believe that either, because of course all the signs point to the fact that we live once and there is nothing after death. At least I think that no one on this forum can prove otherwise.
Whatever the truth, my current life is irreversibly the way it is. And I feel that my way is Cioran's nihilism. Whatever ideals or spiritual ideas I try to commit myself to permanently, I always come back here and feel at home. In nothingness.