How to cope with the stress of living a double life/hiding?

[Demonolater2023]

Recently I had to have a phone call with my estranged x-tian father about 2 cousins that will come look for work in the town I live (nothing against them, they are nice people and I am happy to help if I can). But the conversation reminded me of how much I disagree with everything my father says and consider him so full of the enemy brainwashing's sh*t. He complained that ''he has no news about my life'', well what is the point of telling you any news if you will just use the information to abuse me later like you always did when I was growing up? He cannot accept that I am an adult and would never accept ANYTHING real about me. His idea of ''news'' is ''well, update me on whatever is going on so I can co-decide your life with you, blame you if the plan goes wrong and take the credit if it goes right''. I understand that for the common drone the concept of SS is impossible to grasp and I am at peace with hiding that. But I have to hide my political opinions, my friends, even the fact that I left x-tianity for years? It's like I am a completely different and fake person for my physical safety.
I know that when I say this people will be quick to shame me and say '''why do you even let it bother you, you have a job, you live far away, just let go''. But it feels like a burden and traumatic to always have to hide your true self and I realized now how much has this been burdening me growing up and- I wish I could do something to truly hide/lie and not care. I am extremely anti-psychiatry after being medically abused and almost died (I have it on my first post if anyone is interested) and I won't waste a dime on those charlatans.
Just wondering if anyone has dealt with something similar (ok, doesn't have to be exactly similar, just if you had to lie about something important) and what advice would you give?
Thanks

 

[HPS Lydia]

Nobody is going to shame you because most of us are in a similar position as you. Yes, it really sucks, especially as Pagans by nature celebrate and honor the family unit, so most of us can't be natural in that sense, through no fault of our own.

My advice is to be polite yet distant. Talk as least as possible, and when you do have to put up with it, just remember that we are all in this together. You're not alone

 

[Lunar Dance 666]

Recently I had to have a phone call with my estranged x-tian father about 2 cousins that will come look for work in the town I live (nothing against them, they are nice people and I am happy to help if I can). But the conversation reminded me of how much I disagree with everything my father says and consider him so full of the enemy brainwashing's sh*t. He complained that ''he has no news about my life'', well what is the point of telling you any news if you will just use the information to abuse me later like you always did when I was growing up? He cannot accept that I am an adult and would never accept ANYTHING real about me. His idea of ''news'' is ''well, update me on whatever is going on so I can co-decide your life with you, blame you if the plan goes wrong and take the credit if it goes right''. I understand that for the common drone the concept of SS is impossible to grasp and I am at peace with hiding that. But I have to hide my political opinions, my friends, even the fact that I left x-tianity for years? It's like I am a completely different and fake person for my physical safety.
I know that when I say this people will be quick to shame me and say '''why do you even let it bother you, you have a job, you live far away, just let go''. But it feels like a burden and traumatic to always have to hide your true self and I realized now how much has this been burdening me growing up and- I wish I could do something to truly hide/lie and not care. I am extremely anti-psychiatry after being medically abused and almost died (I have it on my first post if anyone is interested) and I won't waste a dime on those charlatans.
Just wondering if anyone has dealt with something similar (ok, doesn't have to be exactly similar, just if you had to lie about something important) and what advice would you give?
Thanks

You could and probably should do a binding on your father anyway, to prevent him from trying to decide your life... or perhaps to keep him at bay for sniffing too deep at least.

Look for me to open up to someone about things.. I need to feel they're on the same wavelength somewhat. Things they might or might not say.. when it comes to political views, at least.

 

[Demonolater2023]

You could and probably should do a binding on your father anyway, to prevent him from trying to decide your life... or perhaps to keep him at bay for sniffing too deep at least.

What kind of binding? Can you please share links/resources?

Thank you to everyone for responding and offering support!

 

[Pumpkin671]

Recently I had to have a phone call with my estranged x-tian father about 2 cousins that will come look for work in the town I live (nothing against them, they are nice people and I am happy to help if I can). But the conversation reminded me of how much I disagree with everything my father says and consider him so full of the enemy brainwashing's sh*t. He complained that ''he has no news about my life'', well what is the point of telling you any news if you will just use the information to abuse me later like you always did when I was growing up? He cannot accept that I am an adult and would never accept ANYTHING real about me. His idea of ''news'' is ''well, update me on whatever is going on so I can co-decide your life with you, blame you if the plan goes wrong and take the credit if it goes right''. I understand that for the common drone the concept of SS is impossible to grasp and I am at peace with hiding that. But I have to hide my political opinions, my friends, even the fact that I left x-tianity for years? It's like I am a completely different and fake person for my physical safety.
I know that when I say this people will be quick to shame me and say '''why do you even let it bother you, you have a job, you live far away, just let go''. But it feels like a burden and traumatic to always have to hide your true self and I realized now how much has this been burdening me growing up and- I wish I could do something to truly hide/lie and not care. I am extremely anti-psychiatry after being medically abused and almost died (I have it on my first post if anyone is interested) and I won't waste a dime on those charlatans.
Just wondering if anyone has dealt with something similar (ok, doesn't have to be exactly similar, just if you had to lie about something important) and what advice would you give?
Thanks

I know it sucks to keep our alliance to Father Satan hidden and kept quiet, I understand you on that. However, I have not dealt with the level of medical abuse you have, but I would say that I have moved on from my relationship with mother who had heavily pushed christain lies. I have definitely lied to keep my alliance with Satan from my parents when I was a teenager, I simply didn't care and valued my relationship with Satan more than with my parents. I would recommend to not let your emotions of worry take control and put them on the back burner. If you need someone to talk to I am here and my email is [email protected]. I have dealt with parents from far away and have found ways to move on when I personally felt ready.

 

[darkmonkey666]

I feel you.

Please check for astral connections and/or energy drain in meditation. Some xtians are really Intrusive on a spiritual level. Might even try mind control stuff. The way you talk about this might indicate something like this but not necessarily the fact you had to deal with mental health issues and psychiatry at all further suggests something is going on here too.

Please note none of this is likely conscious on their part but it happens none the same and must be taken care of.

 

[Egon]

Aside from the already mentioned binding of your father if he is harmful, I don't think there is a simple solution to this.

Meditate, become stronger in Satan and ground yourself. Stand like a rock and don't let others rule you by your emotions, whatever BS your father say or do is not a part of your self, so train your mind to ignore and step above it. It won't be easy, but speaking from personal experience (all my family members know what I believe, which I don't recommend), after so much headache and power struggle they gave up mostly and now they respect me a lot more because in Satan I will never bend again to pressure.