how can i stop this RETARDED BEHAVIOUR ALREADY

[sinbad]

I'm not sure what to do about this tendency. I feel like a total retard.

I've avoided a job as much possible, and spent all my time reading. For the past 8 years I've just been reading for like 12 hours a day, and it's turned into an addiction at this point.

I barely went outside during this entire time, even though I had friends and girls to talk to. But I would just grow tired of everyone as I saw them as a distraction from my reading.

Everything I see, I end up researching and I just get bogged down on random shit, like the bugs on the floor or military equipment or something, or consuming too much art/music.

I just get lost reading everything and I struggle to stop myself and do the boring stuff, even though I'm actually good at it, as I have an organised and efficient mind, but I just waste it on bullshit like Chess.

I'd literally be an overnight success, yet for some reason I just don't do it. God, it's so retarded it doesn't even make sense.

People literally come to me for business advice although I have zero credibility, because everything I say has amazing results, yet my dumbass doesn't create anything of my own and I'm still broke.

This Saturn is so f***ing stupid holy shit.

It's like a weird blindspot because I know, once I start, my obsessive tendencies will naturally take over anyway and I'll become a permanent workaholic for the rest of my life for the Gods.

But something in me keeps trying to postpone that for as long as possible and relishing in this "extended childhood", as I know I'll never have this level of freedom to read/learn ever again.

If I asked a random guy on the street for 100 bucks, he'd probably give it to me. Yet I'm totally embarassed to rely on others, and never take advantage of my own luck. Coz I'm a f***ing idiot or something.

If I could just take advantage of it for the Gods/humanity... that is the only thing in the world that can "power my engine" and the only thing I truly care about, which is to use my knowledge to create a superior Earth.

But I just cannot seem to escape the tyranny of my own weakness.

What a goddamn bullshit life.

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Sorry I just had to get this out of my system.
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