I feel called out, in a saddened manner...
Literally a couple nights ago I felt Father Satan and a handful more assembled around me (I was guessing they were Gods or at least spirits of the like?) calling me the maknae of JoS, in the most affectionate manner... It was all about me curling up crying for hours because even well meaning criticism tears me down badly...
I never ever deny that, at Goddamn age 38, mother of a wonderful, extremely capable 6 year old, I'm almost nothing more than a whining kid feeling able to do nothing but beg for comfort...
Granted, I've been through all kinds of fucken hell this past decade especially! By Father Satan's Mercy we've finally gotten a home, and instead of spending time establishing emotional calm and solidity in the way that works for me so that I have a foundation to work with, am here, constantly beating myself up assuming that if anyone knew me, closely enough, would probably just despise me for my weaknesses and look down on me and wish I wasn't even present here...
Father Satan treats me in the exact opposite manner... Coddling me to no end, speaking very wisely, reasonably and constructively each time though...
Granted, maybe I just need a long awaited emotional break after 15 years of bordering on screaming because of all the awful things life put me through... We're sitting in our home, it's dead quiet aside from the sounds we make through the day and night, nobody around, all possibilities present...
And I'm spoiled beyond measure with a life of being loved by Him and not having to do anything but focus on this, for the moment aye...
I get disheartened way too easily though... By people, mostly... If you could imagine the amount of times people angrily compared my many incompetencies to their amazing fruitful qualities aye...
And it's not like I'm without fortes to contribute with, really really far from it...
I always believed that each individual is blessed by something useful or another to contribute to the world with, and one just has to find those qualities and start cultivating them... Society has come a long way with recognizing tending to human fragility, in a constructive manner aye...
Question is, is one to apprehend having to be the sheep thrown to wolves when entering these premises, because I think it can be detrimental just withdrawing from all interactions and cooping up to solely turn to Deities about every little thing... (Guilty as charged, for years on end now, I have only one close enough friend and I'm too timid to ever bother her now that we've moved away for our new home, and I'm always too timid to make friends, I recognize my lack of interest anymore to give my all to uplift others, and I don't wanna use them with the excuse of being too tired emotionally to adequately reciprocate aye...)
Here I am, typing away instead of managing my time better yet again to attempt a useful meditation to pick from the ones prescribed here... Constantly zapped of energy, now am not by some miracle, and here I am using it on this instead of quickly getting some dishes done to settle in and try one of them aye... *sigh*
Another reason am apprehensive about interacting with people is that I'm mostly long winded... Is anyone ever okay with lengthy posts here? Meh...












