A life that shouldnt have been

[experiment69x]

Lately.. Ive been getting deeper into my thoughts. This mostly happens at night when I am most vulnerabl and dont have much to distract myself with. Everyone is sleep, people go offline and I am left to wallow.
Ive.. Always thought this way. Ever since I was younger, but it was never as developed as it is now. Whenever I get this way, I often become numb. It is hard for me to feel positive emotions. Physically. Mentally, I know how I should be feeling. Ive only felt anger, depression, paranoia, and sometimes intense lust. But that is brought on by my boyfriend. If I am not angry, I am numb. I dont feel. I had felt like this when I was younger and had my heartbroken. But now, its just.. Out of the blue, Ive been sinking back into this. I have gone to therapy since I was 12, I am 15 now. I am very aware of my thoughts and feelings and I know I exactly why or what Im doing when Im doing it. 
Ive also been feeling this.. This feeling. Ive always questioned my existence, higher powers, God's, etc. I dont feel right in this world. I dont feel like I should have been brought back. I dont see my future, I dont feel it, I cant.. Picture myself living beyond 18. Or even 15. Am I depressed? No. But I am not happy either. Half the time Im content or nuetral unless something arouses my anger. Like this bitch at school, or my mother. I converted from Christianity to Satanism sometime in September or early October. I meditate occasionally, but I get discouraged because I dont have a guide.. I need someone physically here. I get discouraged when I feel like Im not vibrating the words right or if I meditate for my chakras or aura or clairvoyance, trying to astral project or talk to my Guardian Demon.Why dont I feel it!?I know Suicide might put me back in a worse life.. But.. What is there left for me? I dont want to be here. I want to be with Father. Ive told myself I would never do it because I fear the other side. I fear not existing at all. I promised myself.. Atleast.. Stay alive until after Valentines. But at this point, I would take my chances.

 

[Light Yagami]

Hmmm...Hopefully someone else will respond with more than what I have to say.First of all you said "I am not depressed but I am not happy either". Judging by the things you wrote here, it seems that you *are* depressed. You do not have to be constantly crying to be depressed. Apathy is also a form of depression; but not always.
When I was younger, I didn't intend to go beyond the age of 20. I was thinking that when I am close to that age I would just commit suicide and end it all. Many things happened since then.As a kid I was always extremely depressing and would always fall asleep with the most depressing thoughts in mind.

I have realized why I had some of these thoughts; some others, I'm still figuring out.
The thing is... do you meditate?Have you done the dedication ritual? DO YOU MEDITATE? I am asking in capital letters because, let's face it. If you do NOT meditate, not only will you not see any change in your life, or the way you feel, but you will NEVER be able to figure out WHY you feel the way you do, and why you think the way you do.
Supposing that you DO meditate... Do you clean your aura and chakras daily? Do you do your aura of protection twice a day?
Let me tell you something. The whole deal of thinking that you do not deserve to live and that you'd be better off dying and being with Satan: these thoughts are 100% FROM THE ENEMY!!!Satan does NOT want you to die. He wants you alive, He wants you to meditate and reach the level of the Gods. He wants YOU to stand proud next to Him, with the powers he has given you.He wants you to be happy, to understand your purpose in life and to only move forward, to head for the top; whatever that is, for you.

I have been meditating for LESS than 5 years. In that time (and actually, in the first year or so), I finally accepted my gender, I started loving myself, I noticed how my words had power and even against my parents; they weren't able to do whatever they wanted with me, anymore. I also started making dreams... I started having goals. I saw my purpose in life, and I even had dreams, seeing me fullfilling that purpose.... I astral projected to Hell and had face to face contact with the Gods...
The things I've lived, the things I've experienced... go beyond any fucking materialistic "happiness" that society tells you you should have. My experiences; I can not share with most, but they have made me stronger, wiser and even more determined to follow my Path.... To follow the Path under Satan's guidance. The Path He has chosen for me.

I am PROUD to be His Child. I am PROUD to be a WARRIOR OF HELL'S ARMY!!!Why the FUCK would I -or anyone else- consider suicide?? I want to make Satan and the Gods PROUD!!!! I want to show them all the things I can achieve... To surprass even their own expectations of me.

I repeat, I do not know if you meditate... If yes, for how long?Remember, that it is normal if you started meditating but feel "bad" for no reason. This is normal because we cleanse our souls from inside-out. There are things you possibly suppressed as a child, and even traumas from past lives. All these things have to come to the surface and you just need to let them out. Let them all out.
Also, if you do meditate (I repeat) I suggest you reading this here, in case it affects you in any way: http://twinss-r.tumblr.com/pastlives    http://twinss-r.tumblr.com/tired    http://twinss-r.tumblr.com/behappy
Now, if you do NOT meditate.... Well.... Start with that hahaAssuming you've done the Dedication ritual, you can start with HP HoodedCobra's 40 days meditation program.


Στις 9:38 π.μ. Σάββατο, 23 Ιανουαρίου 2016, ο/η "experiment69x@... [JoyofSatan666]" <[email protected] έγραψε:


  Lately.. Ive been getting deeper into my thoughts. This mostly happens at night when I am most vulnerabl and dont have much to distract myself with. Everyone is sleep, people go offline and I am left to wallow.
Ive.. Always thought this way. Ever since I was younger, but it was never as developed as it is now. Whenever I get this way, I often become numb. It is hard for me to feel positive emotions. Physically. Mentally, I know how I should be feeling. Ive only felt anger, depression, paranoia, and sometimes intense lust. But that is brought on by my boyfriend. If I am not angry, I am numb. I dont feel. I had felt like this when I was younger and had my heartbroken. But now, its just.. Out of the blue, Ive been sinking back into this. I have gone to therapy since I was 12, I am 15 now. I am very aware of my thoughts and feelings and I know I exactly why or what Im doing when Im doing it. 
Ive also been feeling this.. This feeling. Ive always questioned my existence, higher powers, God's, etc. I dont feel right in this world. I dont feel like I should have been brought back. I dont see my future, I dont feel it, I cant.. Picture myself living beyond 18. Or even 15. Am I depressed? No. But I am not happy either. Half the time Im content or nuetral unless something arouses my anger. Like this bitch at school, or my mother. I converted from Christianity to Satanism sometime in September or early October. I meditate occasionally, but I get discouraged because I dont have a guide.. I need someone physically here. I get discouraged when I feel like Im not vibrating the words right or if I meditate for my chakras or aura or clairvoyance, trying to astral project or talk to my Guardian Demon.Why dont I feel it!?I know Suicide might put me back in a worse life.. But.. What is there left for me? I dont want to be here. I want to be with Father. Ive told myself I would never do it because I fear the other side. I fear not existing at all. I promised myself.. Atleast.. Stay alive until after Valentines. But at this point, I would take my chances.

 

[Magus Immortalis]

Thanks for writing this Light Yagami; really good timing. I needed to read this, and your articles.You're a great writer.
Hail Satan!

On Saturday, January 23, 2016 7:51 AM, "Light Yagami tapapakiastinseira@... [JoyofSatan666]" <[email protected] wrote:


  Hmmm...Hopefully someone else will respond with more than what I have to say.First of all you said "I am not depressed but I am not happy either". Judging by the things you wrote here, it seems that you *are* depressed. You do not have to be constantly crying to be depressed. Apathy is also a form of depression; but not always.
When I was younger, I didn't intend to go beyond the age of 20. I was thinking that when I am close to that age I would just commit suicide and end it all. Many things happened since then.As a kid I was always extremely depressing and would always fall asleep with the most depressing thoughts in mind.

I have realized why I had some of these thoughts; some others, I'm still figuring out.
The thing is... do you meditate?Have you done the dedication ritual? DO YOU MEDITATE? I am asking in capital letters because, let's face it. If you do NOT meditate, not only will you not see any change in your life, or the way you feel, but you will NEVER be able to figure out WHY you feel the way you do, and why you think the way you do.
Supposing that you DO meditate... Do you clean your aura and chakras daily? Do you do your aura of protection twice a day?
Let me tell you something. The whole deal of thinking that you do not deserve to live and that you'd be better off dying and being with Satan: these thoughts are 100% FROM THE ENEMY!!!Satan does NOT want you to die. He wants you alive, He wants you to meditate and reach the level of the Gods. He wants YOU to stand proud next to Him, with the powers he has given you.He wants you to be happy, to understand your purpose in life and to only move forward, to head for the top; whatever that is, for you.

I have been meditating for LESS than 5 years. In that time (and actually, in the first year or so), I finally accepted my gender, I started loving myself, I noticed how my words had power and even against my parents; they weren't able to do whatever they wanted with me, anymore. I also started making dreams... I started having goals. I saw my purpose in life, and I even had dreams, seeing me fullfilling that purpose.... I astral projected to Hell and had face to face contact with the Gods...
The things I've lived, the things I've experienced... go beyond any fucking materialistic "happiness" that society tells you you should have. My experiences; I can not share with most, but they have made me stronger, wiser and even more determined to follow my Path.... To follow the Path under Satan's guidance. The Path He has chosen for me.

I am PROUD to be His Child. I am PROUD to be a WARRIOR OF HELL'S ARMY!!!Why the FUCK would I -or anyone else- consider suicide?? I want to make Satan and the Gods PROUD!!!! I want to show them all the things I can achieve... To surprass even their own expectations of me.

I repeat, I do not know if you meditate... If yes, for how long?Remember, that it is normal if you started meditating but feel "bad" for no reason. This is normal because we cleanse our souls from inside-out. There are things you possibly suppressed as a child, and even traumas from past lives. All these things have to come to the surface and you just need to let them out. Let them all out.
Also, if you do meditate (I repeat) I suggest you reading this here, in case it affects you in any way: http://twinss-r.tumblr.com/pastlives    http://twinss-r.tumblr.com/tired    http://twinss-r.tumblr.com/behappy
Now, if you do NOT meditate.... Well.... Start with that hahaAssuming you've done the Dedication ritual, you can start with HP HoodedCobra's 40 days meditation program.


Στις 9:38 π.μ. Σάββατο, 23 Ιανουαρίου 2016, ο/η "experiment69x@... [JoyofSatan666]" <[email protected] έγραψε:


  Lately.. Ive been getting deeper into my thoughts. This mostly happens at night when I am most vulnerabl and dont have much to distract myself with. Everyone is sleep, people go offline and I am left to wallow.
Ive.. Always thought this way. Ever since I was younger, but it was never as developed as it is now. Whenever I get this way, I often become numb. It is hard for me to feel positive emotions. Physically. Mentally, I know how I should be feeling. Ive only felt anger, depression, paranoia, and sometimes intense lust. But that is brought on by my boyfriend. If I am not angry, I am numb. I dont feel. I had felt like this when I was younger and had my heartbroken. But now, its just.. Out of the blue, Ive been sinking back into this. I have gone to therapy since I was 12, I am 15 now. I am very aware of my thoughts and feelings and I know I exactly why or what Im doing when Im doing it. 
Ive also been feeling this.. This feeling. Ive always questioned my existence, higher powers, God's, etc. I dont feel right in this world. I dont feel like I should have been brought back. I dont see my future, I dont feel it, I cant.. Picture myself living beyond 18. Or even 15. Am I depressed? No. But I am not happy either. Half the time Im content or nuetral unless something arouses my anger. Like this bitch at school, or my mother. I converted from Christianity to Satanism sometime in September or early October. I meditate occasionally, but I get discouraged because I dont have a guide.. I need someone physically here. I get discouraged when I feel like Im not vibrating the words right or if I meditate for my chakras or aura or clairvoyance, trying to astral project or talk to my Guardian Demon.Why dont I feel it!?I know Suicide might put me back in a worse life.. But.. What is there left for me? I dont want to be here. I want to be with Father. Ive told myself I would never do it because I fear the other side. I fear not existing at all. I promised myself.. Atleast.. Stay alive until after Valentines. But at this point, I would take my chances.

 

[hiroaugust1986]

You have a lot going on in your life. I can't give a direct explanation of everything your feeling. However I believe in the fact that if suicidal thoughts enter your mind do believe you should not give in.

Remember this.

What good you'll do for father if you actually commit suicide? Your also very young and that should suggest you need to develop into oneself more. Not to say ; you don't know how you feel or think most of the time. It means at your age normally feelings come rushing out at us more then we allow or even know.

Just move forward and try to continue with the therapy that is a good start. We are your family so we all don't want the worst outcome.

Moving forward, your new to Satanism like myself and I'll tell you the truth. IT TAKES TIME TO DEVELOP ANYTHING. Just persist in your meditations. Also are you doing the 40 day mediation, which you can find on the site? Doing this can give you clear results but it takes time. It act like a guide just like you mention. PERSIST, DO IT, PERIOD. In fact when you go through day 1-3of that program that is the formula. The more you do it the better.

Second we all seem to come from Some Xian background, like myself. It's tough uproot the teachings but it'll go away in time.

Hope you get the treatments you need.

 

[satanicninja]

As the word goes. If you commit suicide, you'll be reborn again, live the same life, and you re-live the moment where you chose to commit suicide. But now it's worse. Or something like that.

Meditation deals with these problems. You can also do workings to remove these negative thoughts and so forth. And workings to find some goals in life and something better.

Suicide should be used when your facing worse things then death. Like torture.

Ask Father Satan for guidance on how to deal with this. In my experience. He'll answer immediately, or if he's busy, he'll answer some other time.

 

[zolaluckystar1]

PS: Depression, apathy, self harm....all these are the result of a spiritual imbalance. So start taking steps to correct it. How? Meditation. yoga. aura of protection. cleaning your chakras. showering daily. The running water naturally helps clean your aura off. self care. eating good food. long walks in nature. There is no need to wallow. 
And this is important:Keep your suicidal thoughts to yourself. DON'T tell your therapist or friends, or parents. If you need to talk, TALK TO US. We are here for you. 
I say this because the last thing you want is to be involuntarily committed. Thats when they lock you up in an institution INDEFINITELY. If you think things are bad now, sister, you have no idea how much worse it can get! I do, because I've been there so listen to me when I say: If your family has you committed on the advice of your 'health care professional', (and he WILL recommend it if it is determined you are a danger to yourself or others) the length of your incarceration is determined by THEM. You will be kept indoors 23 hours a day and force fed pills. I'm not kidding. This is serious. You are on the brink of a cliff. You do NOT want to throw yourself into the jaws of that monster! 
If you have been speaking of self harm to anyone in your day to day life, STOP. 
And start meditating. 
Oh, and don't feel discouraged, you are probably vibrating the words just fine. And if it's not perfect, so what? Intent is important too. If it makes you feel better, I felt like that too in the beginning. Gee, I feel like a shmuck, I'm sure I'm not doing this right! And I'm a mature woman! 
Let the sadness go and choose joy. Because Satan is with you. He loves you. He wants you to be happy and fulfilled, not sad, numb and hopeless. OK? XO

 

[livingforsatan]

@experiment69x

You have been given some excellent advice here and I hope you read - and apply - all of it. Especially read and re-read the parts about being careful what you say to outsiders, the dedication ritual and daily meditation.

I remember being.your age. We all do. It is not easy.

But, considering you chose the path of Truth at such a young age suggests you might really be someone special

...someone the enemy wants taken out...

The brightest, strongest, most intelligent, wise and powerful souls in this world often feel very "out-of-place" in this current jew-infested society.

Please, keep a daily meditation routine and grow, developing yourself. Become what the enemy fears.

Hail Father Satan forever!

 

[iorost]

I chose to make the people who cause me to feel suicidal suffer instead of allowing them to win by dying. I chose to fight the slave reality we live then submit quietly. don't kill yourself like a coward, fight until you die instead. use your anger, destroy! and in so destroying you will create something new and better

 

[anthony alpaugh]

Hail Father Satan forever

On Sun, Jan 24, 2016 at 1:30 PM, no.state@... [JoyofSatan666]<[email protected] wrote:   @experiment69x

You have been given some excellent advice here and I hope you read - and apply - all of it. Especially read and re-read the parts about being careful what you say to outsiders, the dedication ritual and daily meditation.

I remember being.your age. We all do. It is not easy.

But, considering you chose the path of Truth at such a young age suggests you might really be someone special

...someone the enemy wants taken out...

The brightest, strongest, most intelligent, wise and powerful souls in this world often feel very "out-of-place" in this current jew-infested society.

Please, keep a daily meditation routine and grow, developing yourself. Become what the enemy fears.

Hail Father Satan forever!

 

[zolaluckystar1]

Understand, suicide is the prompting of the enemy. They want you to do the job for them. Suicide is the option, as another here posted, when faced with worse than death situations. You are not facing that. You are a child. I don't say this to be mean, but to point out that your life has really only just begun. I felt like you at your age and I've survived. So will you. I used to feel, as you do now, that there is no hope, that it's all or nothing, I want to die, etc. And then, as you mature and grow, you come to find there are so many options and paths, there is hope and a future and the darkness recedes. One of the hallmarks of the very young is the intense emotions attached to everything. You feel shitty, so you want to die. Thats pretty extreme, right? Of course you have a future! If you weren't meant for this world, you would not have been born! I felt EXACTLY like this too at your age. I thought about suicide ALL the time. And always, the thought came: If you do this thing, they win. Back then I didn't know who 'they' were. But it made me stubborn. I persisted to live out of pure contraryness. See, what an advantage you have, to have found Satan now, so early in life. You have such an opportunity to become great! Don't squander it
I'm certain, too, if you ask Satan for his support and guidance right now he'll answer right away. He doesn't want to see you do such a foolish thing. He wants you to live and achieve your potential! Sure, you could kill yourself and go to Hell, but can you picture the disappointment on His face when He see's you? He would NOT be happy with you doing such a thing so just put it out of your mind, young woman! Killing yourself is NOT an option. You are here for a purpose: Find it. Live it. Become it. You have your entire life ahead of you. Do not throw it away! You life is beyond price and a gift of Satan. Not something horrible to be scorned and thrown away. Understand.
When the bad thoughts come, realize this is not you thinking them, but the enemy putting them into your head and tell them: it won't work. You are wasting your time. Ground yourself, do more physical things and self care, like yoga daily. You will find this helps incredibly. Don't give up. Be strong. You can do it.
Remember: If you do this thing, THEY WIN. Never hand the enemy a victory. 
Hail Satan!

 

[livingforsatan]

@iorost.

SIEG HEIL!

 

[garciaeric268]

Your young life is more precious then you can imagine, you found your true almighty god Satan at a very young age.
You should feel proud of yourself, you have enough time to advance your soul into the godhead I myself wish I found the joy of satan at your age.
A true warrior of Satan will fight even till death no matter how life gets, father Satan wants you to live don't give up young one.
Meditate everyday,hatha yoga to raise bioelectricity,open your chakras,clean aura and chakras,do some spiritual warfare for the gods.
Remember the more you do for Satan the more we will do for you.
Breathe in father Satans energy by visualizing he's sigil to be close to him.
Stay strong and don't let the enemy win you over.

 

[Gerecht Ror1]

Stay alive until Valentine ... in 2080 at least I believe ? Satan told that each of us will stay in this world not a day less not a day more than His will. So I would NOT really want to go against Satan's will ending my life! Each of us is an important gear of a bigger mechanism that is Satanism on Earth. You too. I am over 40 now, quite a long time I am in this world nowadays, but I can clearly remember my bad days when I was very very younger - and I was living with a repressive xian stupid materialistic family - spent waiting to kill myself. I carefully chose bridges where to jump, roads where to jump under a truck, I drove without safety belts looking for a truck to crash into with my car ... but I never did this and today I am EXTREMELY happy I did not do that. The reasons of past suffering are clear to me now, and I struggle every day to put an end to human sufferings and to destroy the Jews. The ENEMY is the CAUSE of your suffering. Destroy the enemy. You are NOT the cause of your suffering. You should not destroy yourself.   HAIL SATAN!!!     Sent: Friday, January 22, 2016 at 5:45 PM
From: "experiment69x@... [JoyofSatan666]" <[email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: [JoyofSatan666] A life that shouldnt have been     Lately.. Ive been getting deeper into my thoughts. This mostly happens at night when I am most vulnerabl and dont have much to distract myself with. Everyone is sleep, people go offline and I am left to wallow.   Ive.. Always thought this way. Ever since I was younger, but it was never as developed as it is now. Whenever I get this way, I often become numb. It is hard for me to feel positive emotions. Physically. Mentally, I know how I should be feeling. Ive only felt anger, depression, paranoia, and sometimes intense lust. But that is brought on by my boyfriend.  If I am not angry, I am numb. I dont feel. I had felt like this when I was younger and had my heartbroken. But now, its just.. Out of the blue, Ive been sinking back into this. I have gone to therapy since I was 12, I am 15 now. I am very aware of my thoughts and feelings and I know I exactly why or what Im doing when Im doing it.    Ive also been feeling this.. This feeling. Ive always questioned my existence, higher powers, God's, etc. I dont feel right in this world. I dont feel like I should have been brought back. I dont see my future, I dont feel it, I cant.. Picture myself living beyond 18. Or even 15. Am I depressed? No. But I am not happy either. Half the time Im content or nuetral unless something arouses my anger. Like this bitch at school, or my mother. I converted from Christianity to Satanism sometime in September or early October. I meditate occasionally, but I get discouraged because I dont have a guide.. I need someone physically here. I get discouraged when I feel like Im not vibrating the words right or if I meditate for my chakras or aura or clairvoyance, trying to astral project or talk to my Guardian Demon. Why dont I feel it!? I know Suicide might put me back in a worse life.. But.. What is there left for me? I dont want to be here. I want to be with Father. Ive told myself I would never do it because I fear the other side. I fear not existing at all.  I promised myself.. Atleast.. Stay alive until after Valentines. But at this point, I would take my chances.  

 

[katiehenry495]

Hail Satan!