Relationships #79205 I refuse to brainwash myself and want to commit to primitive impulses and be mindless.

[Ask Satya Operator]

I refuse to get into a trance and use self hypnosis on myself in order to fix my trauma or even other means of spirituality to a certain degree. My trauma will maybe get better while I am advancing on the path but I don't want to make a working exclusively for fixing my trauma. My emotions are there for a reason, they are very real and they make me who I am. I feel so fucking tired of constantly thinking about how the things I want to do so deeply are wrong and how Gods wouldn't approve or find them to their liking. I feel so repressed and bound by these ethics from time to time but again no one is forcing me to apply them in my life. It's not like in xianity when you are threatened by eternal fire. I choose on my own to apply these ethics and I want to get closer to Gods but I struggle a lot. There are many bad people out there who have zero respect or empathy of any kind to others, can't I also do 'bad' things and justify them?

I know that our ethics in our website are not man-made bullshit like laws of today, that's why I said I know and trying to deeply understand our ethics, live my life by them but to be quite honest this idealistic approach is only reserved to my perfected self in some other universe probably, it doesn't look feasible at all in my current state.

So, for example, let's say some guy disrespected you in public and even physically hurt you but you couldn't do anything because they were bigger in number or he was simply intimidating. What are you going to do? Get into trance and brainwash yourself to believe that this event isn't affecting you? You will feel emasculated and its only going to be resolved when you get your revenge. Not that I am telling one to be mindlessly attack someone and to go to prison, since we got laws today. But let's disregard any of these man made things, what would totally resolve the unease you feel from this situation? It's to get revenge.

My trauma is that I always felt belittled because I was skinny all my life up until recently. When I was 18, I weighed barely a hundred pounds, AS A MAN, just try to think about that for a second please. It was so brutal and I don't want to remind myself as I am already very emotionally distressed right now, it will only going to make it worse if I delve into it.

So I just can't show any kind of love or affection towards anyone without there being any setbacks. I felt so weak and sick whenever I tried this. At first, this was due to fear of other's perception but it became so internalized that this is simply who I am now. I can and want to show love and compassion, but there needs to be a price to pay so to speak, otherwise I will feel like absolute dogshit.

I recovered physically and got rid of my disgusting weak flesh through very hard work, that I hated doing it, because I wanted to be loved for who I am and I was skinny my whole life. It really was what I had known for, other than being called le intelligent but its not like I can show intelligence, at least not as clearly as being skinny which is visible to all. And intelligence doesn't mean anything when you can't function because of anxiety and body dysmorphia. So why am I still mentally feeling the same?

Because my physical recovery made it even worse for me and I knew this would happen before, I had such a strong intuition. That's why I postponed gaining weight for such a long time. I wanted to stay skinny and be loved just like that. Gaining weight was like hell physically and also I felt like I was betraying myself and I will never be the same ever again, hence I am conforming to what society demands from me now. It felt like being chained and enslaved. I lost.

I started getting attention for the first time in my life and getting treated like a normal human being. So I just gained body weight and suddenly I am a proper human now. Only difference was that I had more body mass!! Such an important achievement!!!!!! What makes one a worthy human being is just more body weight. I was a subhuman (and clearly treated as such, I am not exaggerating.) and I regained my humanity by adding mere body weight. Very cool and fulfilling to the core.

Enough trauma dumping I think. So I refuse self hypnosis or telling myself that I love myself so much and my trauma is resolved. I want to fulfill my primal desires. Btw I don't blame anyone other than myself. It's very unnatural and dysgenic for a man to be that skinny/small. Of course there will be consequences of not being developed in your early years, I have dealt with these intensely and it is what it is. I don't feel entitled to people's love or attention.

There needs to be fighting, emotional turmoil, arguing and only after that I can bond with someone. I even fantasize about physically hurting my possible future gf. Well, I can't even fantasize about this without feeling guilt because I know it's a 'bad' thing but so what, let me have this one bad trait. I used to dream about the girl that I talked online for a while, that I am breaking one of her fingers and just the imagining her possible facial expression and her eyes made me feel so good. After that I would really want to take care of her so dearly, I would give her all my love and affection. I would help her heal and would be by her side all the time. One finger heals faster than 10 years of trauma probably.

Before this, when I had my disgusting body I was constantly daydreaming about getting involved in an accident and dying. A child jumping on the road, me saving him from dying, sacrificing myself. This was the only thing that I was thinking before, almost every day and this was the only thing that made me feel some emotions. It made me calm to dream about this and even a little bit happy back then.

And now that every single interaction with people outside feels incredibly dull, fake and even if it wasn't like that for a few very rare cases, looking at their faced and knowing that my old self would be seen as a freak by them makes my blood boil. I want to be completely stripped of my flesh as a being. Maybe my only option is finding someone online and liking them without both of us knowing what each other looks like. When I was skinny I was thinking this is the only way, but I have failed twice and hurt these people. I don't feel remorse towards random people, I couldn't care less about them, it's only for the people I want to care about that I have these strong feelings that I want to act on so bad.

When I think about it, only human being that I could show affection without thinking about anything would be my children, if I could have one. I can't even feel relaxed around my parents, I like them so much but I feel so small and sorry in their presence. In the worst case scenario, I fantasize about having children, getting divorced and somehow getting full custody. This way I can show love without any obstacles and being able to do so will probably make me a different person and finally, after years and years of suffering, I would experience inner peace for once. I don't think I would be a bad father, I think this is the only thing that I would be good for.

Above is the last resort, so I think of two possible scenarios, one; I will find someone who would be somewhat okay with us arguing and fighting a lot. We would somewhat end up getting used to each other and this way there will be a bond and I wouldn't feel absolutely horrible and everything would be more grounded.

Second, if the above 'romantic' relationships don't exist and if everything is transactional, because wherever I look most relationship are like that, than I will treat people the same. If women are attracted to tall and strong guys because they want their offspring to be like this as well, then, for example, I will only consider getting into relationships with women with green eyes, because my dad had them and there is a great chance that our offspring would have this trait as well. This is nature right? I want my children to be loved and be more successful and no one can deny that green eyes are very pretty. I guess the 'merging souls' type of relationships aren't feasible for me. I will also focus on the more material part. Qualities that are related to looks.

I was not thinking any of these; I am new to meditation, and on day three, when I was doing my chakra cleaning, and that time I did it very properly, my visualization was very strong, especially when I was cleaning my third eye and crown chakras. I did them longer than others because I felt like I was getting better at this.

The next day these emotions started rushing over my head, I ruined my sleep schedule because of this, couldn't eat healthy for the next three days and had to order goyslop because I had no energy to prepare anything and only ate once a day for three days which made me even more mentally unstable. I even texted one of the girls that I used to talk to and we argued over who was right and wrong. I started acting on my impulses mindlessly.

I am tired of this constant struggle within myself. I want to be a man and do bad things and also take pleasure while doing so, but I have this 'higher' self within myself that constantly bugs my head. But why am I supposed to listen to it? I don't. But it's always there. I am tired. This ambivalence makes me unable to commit to either of them. This is inertia? I don't know anymore. I don't want to learn anymore. I just want my brain to stop and have some inner calm.

 

[Tethys333]

I refuse to get into a trance and use self hypnosis on myself in order to fix my trauma or even other means of spirituality to a certain degree. My trauma will maybe get better while I am advancing on the path but I don't want to make a working exclusively for fixing my trauma. My emotions are there for a reason, they are very real and they make me who I am.

No one is depriving you of your emotions. Healing from trauma with hypnosis or other types of magic does not deprive you of emotions, but it prevents you from falling into depression or something worse. Using meditation or magic does not mean that you cannot learn from your emotions or experience them

I know that our ethics in our website are not man-made bullshit like laws of today, that's why I said I know and trying to deeply understand our ethics, live my life by them but to be quite honest this idealistic approach is only reserved to my perfected self in some other universe probably, it doesn't look feasible at all in my current state.

That ethic is simple and achievable for everyone. There is nothing strange about healthy growth and education. You clearly have a lot of work to do...if you want to do it

So, for example, let's say some guy disrespected you in public and even physically hurt you but you couldn't do anything because they were bigger in number or he was simply intimidating. What are you going to do? Get into trance and brainwash yourself to believe that this event isn't affecting you? You will feel emasculated and its only going to be resolved when you get your revenge. Not that I am telling one to be mindlessly attack someone and to go to prison, since we got laws today. But let's disregard any of these man made things, what would totally resolve the unease you feel from this situation? It's to get revenge.

I think you've misunderstood everything. Maybe you don't know English very well, but the site is translated into many other languages.
Meditation leads you to act sensibly, which doesn't mean you can't take revenge, but as you say yourself, avoid ending up in prison.
Is it better to punch someone, which would be momentary pain, or to torment them all the time with a thoughtform created and directed by you them ? This is just an example, but you have misunderstood the use of meditation and magic.

My trauma is that I always felt belittled because I was skinny all my life up until recently. When I was 18, I weighed barely a hundred pounds, AS A MAN, just try to think about that for a second please. It was so brutal and I don't want to remind myself as I am already very emotionally distressed right now, it will only going to make it worse if I delve into it.

If you don't like yourself, instead of spouting nonsense about meditation, start working on yourself. Go to a nutritionist to get a diet that will help you gain weight in a healthy way, and go to the gym to increase your muscle mass

And intelligence doesn't mean anything when you can't function because of anxiety and body dysmorphia. So why am I still mentally feeling the same?

because your mind is full of negative energy. But guess what? Meditation can help you. You can purify your body, start working on your chakras, and practice High Priestess Lydia's self-love meditation

I started getting attention for the first time in my life and getting treated like a normal human being. So I just gained body weight and suddenly I am a proper human now. Only difference was that I had more body mass!! Such an important achievement!!!!!! What makes one a worthy human being is just more body weight. I was a subhuman (and clearly treated as such, I am not exaggerating.) and I regained my humanity by adding mere body weight. Very cool and fulfilling to the core.

I'm glad you feel good about yourself now (?) but you should know that it's not a normal thought, or rather, a meaningful one.

Maybe my only option is finding someone online and liking them without both of us knowing what each other looks like.

this is not love. (This is my opinion)

The next day these emotions started rushing over my head, I ruined my sleep schedule because of this, couldn't eat healthy for the next three days and had to order goyslop because I had no energy to prepare anything and only ate once a day for three days which made me even more mentally unstable. I even texted one of the girls that I used to talk to and we argued over who was right and wrong. I started acting on my impulses mindlessly.

Meditation is never easy for anyone in the early days. The beauty lies in being patient.
In the early days, we were all overwhelmed by negative energies that tormented us, but we are children of Zeus, we are much stronger than we seem, and we can fight anything. You are a victim of an andrapod world, so it's normal that you have to get used to a new (healthier) lifestyle.

I am tired of this constant struggle within myself. I want to be a man and do bad things and also take pleasure while doing so, but I have this 'higher' self within myself that constantly bugs my head. But why am I supposed to listen to it? I don't. But it's always there. I am tired. This ambivalence makes me unable to commit to either of them. This is inertia? I don't know anymore. I don't want to learn anymore. I just want my brain to stop and have some inner calm.

You won't do it, I warn you. Because what you want to be is not the real you. You need to heal. Always listen to your higher self. Trust me, you will find yourself on a wonderful path to follow. And then there's us, your siblings. We're here to give you a hand.

 

[hailourtruegod]

I believe if you had a better mindset and wiser during those incidents you could of found a way to use your wits to make a bigger person feel small. It really isnt that hard after you figure out how to. We must learn to always go thru these challenges as rational as possible.

But since that wasn't the case and you have already moved on from that situation and safe where you are now then what would revenge do but stroke a primal ego?

If this happened to you as a Zevist and you believe it'll happen to you again then why not just bind them with the rune ISA? It works.

Injustice should be treated with rationality, not radical actions that do more harm than good in the long run. Thats what makes us more civil and above the 3rd world manner of implemting justice. It's a very complex subject, Justice.



I have a lot of martial energies to the point I dont care to fight for the sake of fighting but yet blessed to be a natural during a bout. Because of the above is something I most likely worked hard to cultivate in my past lives I understand there are higher roads to take before having to change someone's life and even mine since it never just stops there whether be their own vengeance thru a cowardly manner or the law be used against me afterwards. Street fights are not the sport you'll find in dojos. The one who knows what to do exactly to start incapacitating their opponent understands its best to leave that as the last measure if things get that extreme.

With the above said, even I am saying to find a better way to deal with these "tests of life".

This is also why I have been promoting for Zevists to cultivate their personalities as thru that they can find their own way to mentally dominate anyone who is without when need be.



For the record, everyone should know how to defend themselves no matter what size they are and use this part to find what best suits your body type, meaning if youre on the smaller side then judo or bjj etc; tall but lanky, then start using those legs and learn to use your reach like in kickboxing. Big bone and thus a bit slower, then wrestling perhaps.

Many examples but I hope my point is clear.

Make sure not to waste time and money on trainers who teach at a snail pace because they want to drag out the lessons for more money.



Lastly, the lessons of understanding that the mind chooses to be affected by physical pain is to teach the mind how to detach oneself from material manners.

Its not about turning the other cheek but training the mind to be the master of the body whereas the average person has always let the body dictate how the mind should "feel" or delude itself to believe their mind has been affected.

Mastering the above then gives a boost in advancing the soul as at that point the mind can rule over not just the body but the soul as well.

This goes into our teachings about blockages and removing them but I digress.