I am sorry to hear of your struggles brother... but let me tell you, you are in the eye of the gods, the eye of great fortune, prosperity, and love. I can relate to the fear of being rendered dependent on others, specifically fear of the loss of limbs, paralysis, etc. But you are here for a reason, my friend. I would suggest a cleaning of the masculine aspect of your soul, eg. x9 SURYA on your base, sacral, and solar plexus. Perhaps if you feel that you are lacking in the ability to take action, the Sowilo rune helps tremendously.
Here's some things to try:
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[Planets]: Examining your natal chart and it's connections very closely (maybe study your placement of
mars and
neptune a little closer from the sound of it)
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[Planets]: Keep track of the current placement of celestial bodies and how they might be playing a role in your current feelings
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[Chakras]: Clean your masculine chakras and keep the aura of protection shining
bright
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[Runes]: Vibrate
Sowilo x9 and end with x9 of the affirmation:
[I always take action when I want, which is only positive and beneficial for me, completely effortlessly and without any resistance, now and forever.] -- Credit to Flamma Bellum for the affirmations: Source!
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[Planetary Mantra]: The Ganesha mantra sounds like it can help with what you are experiencing... Vibrate
Aum Gaum Ganapataye Namah x18 and end with x9 of the affirmation "
Any and all fears, conscious and unconscious which hinders me are completely and permanently Removed, in a healthy and positive way for me."
-- Credit to Flamma Bellum for the affirmations: Source!
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[Elements]: It is possible that you are lacking in
fire and earth. This is only an assumption based on how you seem to be overloaded and depressed (abundance of air and water). I know there are sources on ToZ that give details on the elements as well as how to balance them in your soul. I would provide them now.
As far as wellness is concerned, you can reap the benefits of the masculine energy you intake by exercising more. Example, going for a run in the morning, yoga in the afternoon, and strength training by dusk.
But the way you speak of yourself is a surefire way to drive everything into the ground. Listen to how you speak to yourself. No one thinks these things about you, but you. If you make mistakes, there is no ultimate cosmic punishment for this, they are just mistakes! Let them roll off of your back and move on to bigger and better things. You don't need to be sorry about anything, you just need to take action. Hesitation and doubt will strike down anything and everything you desire to accomplish. Why fear your path in life when it is yours to shape to an absolute? Godspeed, my friend.