I have failed my wife.

[ModernHeathen88]

Hello everyone.

This brings me great shame to post this.

A few weeks ago I cheated on my wife of 10 years (married for 2, 2 children, highschool sweethearts).

I was drinking with friends, at the height of the night I went to a massage parlour and received a "happy ending".

I immediately called my wife, crying, hyperventilating at what I had done.

She told me just to come home safely, I did and we spoke about it.

She is currently back in our home country with our children to have space.

She has told me the relationship is effectively over.

I've always struggled with a porn addiction, lusting over women and always having wandering eyes. I was emotionally abusive (I never intended to hurt her). I made her feel inadequate, like she was the problem due to having a low libido.

I'm not asking for sympathy.

I don't want to be that man anymore, I'm seeking therapy to address a lot of deep seated issues from my childhood that resulted in severe attachment issues.

I can only move on and try be better, for my kids.

I'm actually not really sure what I'm seeking here, I don't care if you all berate me and tell me what a POS I am, I know.

I fell straight into the goyim trap.

 

[Acolyte Of Pan 666]

Forgive yourself. Don’t let the guilt and shame pull you down. Try to reconcile with her in the appropriate way. Pray to the Gods for guidance on the matter. The key to improvement is learning from mistakes. Don’t dwell on the past or regret.

 

[Pammy]

Hello everyone.

This brings me great shame to post this.

A few weeks ago I cheated on my wife of 10 years (married for 2, 2 children, highschool sweethearts).

I was drinking with friends, at the height of the night I went to a massage parlour and received a "happy ending".

I immediately called my wife, crying, hyperventilating at what I had done.

She told me just to come home safely, I did and we spoke about it.

She is currently back in our home country with our children to have space.

She has told me the relationship is effectively over.

I've always struggled with a porn addiction, lusting over women and always having wandering eyes. I was emotionally abusive (I never intended to hurt her). I made her feel inadequate, like she was the problem due to having a low libido.

I'm not asking for sympathy.

I don't want to be that man anymore, I'm seeking therapy to address a lot of deep seated issues from my childhood that resulted in severe attachment issues.

I can only move on and try be better, for my kids.

I'm actually not really sure what I'm seeking here, I don't care if you all berate me and tell me what a POS I am, I know.

I fell straight into the goyim trap.

I wish you luck in getting better and being a better father.

A relationship like you described -pord addiction, low libido, emotional abuse- is not worth salvaging. Let it go. Approach her like a woman you can't take for granted. Not your high-school sweetheart. If she never wants a relationship with you again, it will be deserved on your side. In case she gives it a chance, you need to be decisive that this is not going back to the relationship you used to have, but a new start for a better one.

Also, you need to ask yourself if you have love, attraction, or respect for this woman? Was it you who wanted to break up but wasn't brave enough so went a round about way about it? Why would you call her right after cheating on her? Did you want to make her leave you, carry the responsibility of the decision to break up?

Be honest with yourself. Did you not want to get out of that relationship that she feels inadequate and has a low libido and you are unsatisfied and hurting her emotionally then regretting it? Now it hurts, of course it does, but did you not choose this? At every step you take you could turn back but chose to keep drinking and walking in that parlor and cheating on her and calling her?

You could have done this in a more dignified way, but in the end, you need to own your actions. Maybe I am wrong. I don't think I am wrong... but who thinks they are wrong? Anyway, be honest with yourself.

 

[Asra]

I'm surprised at the encouraging replies here. You valued your children less than a handjob from a random girl, since now you could be seeing them twice a year if their mother files for divorce. Besides, you wasted 10 years of her life, and made it insanely difficult for her if she chooses to raise them by herself. You're lucky she did not leave them with you indefinitely, since you're the one who dismantled the family and stepped down from his duties, but she probably doesn't trust you enough for this task. Not much can be said, honestly, your situation doesn't fit encouraging mottos like "do better next time".

 

[Epiphany]

It is good that you have self awareness and can reach out to seek guidance, as well as a sense of shame over this, and reaching out despite this shame.

You are responsible for your actions, you had many opportunities not to follow this road to the end, and you and your family will have to deal with the consequences, which even if you had not been honest about it, would have came anyway and weighed heavy on your conscience.

It sounds like this relationship had its own issues which culminated in unmet needs likely for both people, and therefore irrational ways of fulfilling those needs. It may not have been a good fit for both of you, you both certainly had longstanding issues that didn't get the work they needed, and blame never belongs purely to one side or another as a relationship is a two-party deal.

That may have lead to sabotaging behavior, such that if you were unhappy in this relationship and wanted it to end but didn't want to make the first move or take responsibility for it, you got drunk and cheated with a prostitute so that you can offload some of the sense of responsibility for breaking up. It could have been a way of testing the relationship. It was also you trying to fulfill a need that wasn't being met by the relationship, for whatever reason that may be.

This was a moment of clarity for you since it seems you are more aware of things you need to work on than you were before. This distance between you will be very sobering and you're right in that the only thing you can do is try to better yourself and move forward.

But with a betrayal of trust like this, that trust may very well be impossible to recover, and she will likely find it hard to be loyal or trust again in the future, trust you or anyone else. Things can go either way and there may be a long battle ahead of you to be in your kids' lives.

This is a tough situation to be in, but it is one potentially years in the making and completed by you, and it will be demanding in ways that could grow you or tear you down. Good luck, thanks for reaching out.

 

[Nikólaos666]

I'm surprised at the encouraging replies here. You valued your children less than a handjob from a random girl, since now you could be seeing them twice a year if their mother files for divorce. Besides, you wasted 10 years of her life, and made it insanely difficult for her if she chooses to raise them by herself. You're lucky she did not leave them with you indefinitely, since you're the one who dismantled the family and stepped down from his duties, but she probably doesn't trust you enough for this task. Not much can be said, honestly, your situation doesn't fit encouraging mottos like "do better next time".

I think you're being extremely harsh on him. Does having this kind of affair make him a bad father? There are thousands of men and women who don't have this kind of affair but who don't take better care of their children. Without justifying his pornography addiction, we also need to consider his needs as a man. How many men and women have extramarital affairs without destroying their marriage? Is a united family better than a separation because one partner no longer wants to have sex with the other for whatever reason? Calling his wife afterward wasn't the best idea. Letting the alcohol go and reflecting on the situation would have been better.

 

[Myniciorom]

You have low libido and couldnt control yourself into accepting a happy ending at a massage parlour? Anyway theres no point in crying over this, I know breakups are tough, no matter how cold we men sometimes try to be, this sort of thing gets to you as romantic intimate relationships are the most powerful form of exchange of emotions. I dont know your wife and your relationship with her so I dont know If you can still work through this. But what whatever you do, dont make desperate decisions.

 

[Asra]

I think you're being extremely harsh on him. Does having this kind of affair make him a bad father? How many men and women have extramarital affairs without destroying their marriage? Is a united family better than a separation because one partner no longer wants to have sex with the other for whatever reason? Calling his wife afterward wasn't the best idea. Letting the alcohol go and reflecting on the situation would have been better.

Yes, cheating on his children's mother makes him a bad father and sets a bad example for them. Now the children are aware their parents separated because one couldn't be loyal. I also don't believe in marriages where people are free to have affairs. They can certainly make it work, but they should consider the extent to which their partner can fulfil their needs before engaging with them seriously, let alone marrying them and starting families.

 

[Nordicsupreme]

Yes, cheating on his children's mother makes him a bad father and sets a bad example for them. Now the children are aware their parents separated because one couldn't be loyal. I also don't believe in marriages where people are free to have affairs. They can certainly make it work, but they should consider the extent to which their partner can fulfil their needs before engaging with them seriously, let alone marrying them and starting families.

What you say might or might not be true since relationships are far more complex, I have seen "loyal" couples stay together for the sake of it and end up ruining their children's lives and their own lives in the process. I can understand your frustration and sometimes truths need to be said without being sugarcoated so that a person takes initiative to change their lives.
We should leave the judgement of these with the Gods and not be too harsh seeing how they want to improve themselves and be a better person (by seeking therapy, asking for help on the Forums and other ways). There is a case where people can have no real awareness of their wrong doings which I believe is not the case here. Till a person isn't dead and hasn't committed actions so bad that even the Gods despise them there is always room for improvement, which is why the Gods through the Temple provide an opportunity to humanity to better themselves.

@ModernHeathen88 I request you take advice of the members here and start making changes in your life. As you might be aware your problems are greater than just the possibility of having lost your partner, they are addictions which have consumed your life altering your personality and resulting in you having lower impulse control, possible mental and emotional dysregulation from your childhood.
1. What I can recommend is doing a Standard ritual to the Gods stating your problems and seeking guidance in your life.
2. While you are at it possible begin this to rid your self of alcohol addiction (if you have it) - https://ancient-forums.com/threads/how-to-stop-drugs-a-guide.307462/#post-1195628
3. Perform a working to rid yourself of porn addiction and to seek out meaningful and fruitful relationships
4. Here are some tools shared by our High Priestess Lydia Conventina which might be helpful in bettering yourself - https://ancient-forums.com/threads/...body-for-men-too-don’t-disregard-this.292496/ and https://ancient-forums.com/threads/self-love-meditation.301583/

All the best and I hope you get better and improve your situation.

 

[Nikólaos666]

Yes, cheating on his children's mother makes him a bad father and sets a bad example for them. Now the children are aware their parents separated because one couldn't be loyal. I also don't believe in marriages where people are free to have affairs. They can certainly make it work, but they should consider the extent to which their partner can fulfil their needs before engaging with them seriously, let alone marrying them and starting families.

He might be the best dad there is, and could want to stay healthy and become completly crazy over the fact that he can't have sex with his wife, for some reason. Like Nordicsupreme said, relations are complex. Sometimes, events happens that the relation isnt 100% perfect for both people, communication is the key, but you can't force a woman to have sex or a man to absinate too.

The problem here, is how society see sexual activities. For some, you need to abstinate if one of the partner doesn't want sex more than once every 3-4 months and other people think that it should be everyday. Porn isn't the solution and he must overcome this.

 

[Asra]

What you say might or might not be true since relationships are far more complex, I have seen "loyal" couples stay together for the sake of it and end up ruining their children's lives and their own lives in the process.

If some loyal couples ruined their lives by staying together for the sake of their children (which is completely true), what makes you think the case of this couple will be any different? Many members suggested reconciliation, which is, essentially, still a form of staying together, for those children. I don't think your spouse and children being aware of your affairs and overlooking them is what traditional family values should be about. Ignoring values, the relationship has great chances of feeling toxic to the person that gets cheated on, or emotionally abusive, as OP seems to be aware.

 

[Tethys333]

What happened has certainly caused a lot of suffering, but see it as the turning point that will lead you toward change.

The fact that you’ve recognized your mistake is already an achievement, but now is the time to reflect and grow spiritually and mentally, becoming more self-aware. If you’re here, it’s no coincidence. All of this was meant to happen.

I'm surprised at the encouraging replies here. You valued your children less than a handjob from a random girl, since now you could be seeing them twice a year if their mother files for divorce. Besides, you wasted 10 years of her life, and made it insanely difficult for her if she chooses to raise them by herself. You're lucky she did not leave them with you indefinitely, since you're the one who dismantled the family and stepped down from his duties, but she probably doesn't trust you enough for this task. Not much can be said, honestly, your situation doesn't fit encouraging mottos like "do better next time".

Pointing fingers won't do any good, sister. He's admitted he was wrong, and if he's here, it's because he wants to change. I'm not making excuses for him at all; I'm not taking his side, I'm just looking at it objectively. What he did was wrong, but he clearly doesn't want to do it again, so let's help him.

I don't agree with you about the time wasted on his wife: everything that happens to us in life happens for a reason, to help us grow. So often we think we’ve found the love of our life, but then it turns out to be just a relationship that left its mark on us.

It’s not a waste of time, though: that’s life, it can’t always be perfect, and it’s made up of experiences.

My advice is simply to give him a hand, just as we’ve done with people who’ve committed much more serious offenses legally. Let’s help people bring out the best in themselves.

 

[Epiphany]

emotionally abusive, as OP seems to be aware.

Things cannot be taken at face value because we only know what we're told and what we're told is a version of reality as experienced and filtered through the person telling it. Just like in those relationship posts on reddit, there are many sides to a story, and none of them necessarilu represent factual reality.

OP declaring himself as emotionally abusive may be a reactionary label rooted in guilt and shame, the source of which may extend much further back than the recent incident, or even the relationship as a whole.

Or it could have began in this relationship and he was experiencing abuse himself that he takes responsibility and blames himself for. It is not known.

Without knowing the details, it wouldn't be right to reinforce or dismiss this notion that he was or was not "emotionally abusive", especially where he clearly seems to have a conscience and was at least honest and truthful about the incident.