Relationships #80388 How can I relax and be myself on dates?

[Ask Satya Operator]

I can't relax and be myself during dates. People sometimes think I'm uptight. Especially if I have a dinner date with someone outside. Eating out makes me very nervous, and the more nervous I get, the worse things get. What could these issues be related to? How can I solve this eating problem in particular? I'm really scared that if I spill my food if I eat wrong, even swallowing audibly makes me feel like I'm a disgusting person. And when it comes to sex, even though I've had a few opportunities, I've avoided even kissing because I don't know how to kiss. Even if I don't notice it when the other person touches me, I react strangely. Even when they just want to hug me, my body feels very artificial and out of place. I'm really full of insecurities, and how can I resolve this?

 

[laurentum]

This is normal, especially if you do not have much dating experience.

You have to look forward to learning how to feel comfortable, not impress anybody. That's when anxiety arises, when you fear failure.

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[Pammy]

I can't relax and be myself during dates. People sometimes think I'm uptight. Especially if I have a dinner date with someone outside. Eating out makes me very nervous, and the more nervous I get, the worse things get. What could these issues be related to? How can I solve this eating problem in particular? I'm really scared that if I spill my food if I eat wrong, even swallowing audibly makes me feel like I'm a disgusting person. And when it comes to sex, even though I've had a few opportunities, I've avoided even kissing because I don't know how to kiss. Even if I don't notice it when the other person touches me, I react strangely. Even when they just want to hug me, my body feels very artificial and out of place. I'm really full of insecurities, and how can I resolve this?

Hello!

The time right after and before sleep, as well as eating, are times we are vulnerable and open, intuitive, less in control, more impulsive. This is something to do with nature and biology. Some pets like to call their human, mine calls me so I can watch her back while she is eating. Chimpanzees, bonobos, horses, deers, and other mammals have this habit of eating together or someone standing guard while the other one is eating. Commensality (eating together) has a place in ethology (behavior science). It is bonding but it also requires emotional security or you will be nervous. Not everyone will feel this to the same extent while eating with strangers, but there are some people who will feel this more intensely. This also makes eating together a great way to bond. Astrologically it is related to the Moon and Cancer.

At dinner it is both eating time and nighttime, close to sleeping time. I'd suggest that you offer another kind of date that you learned the other person likes, for example if they told you they like to take long walks in the beach you can offer that ''hey I found a really great place with beautiful scenery, would you like to go together?''. Anything really. Anything you learn they like, consider it a date idea. Likes books and coffee -> bookstore coffee date. Likes music wands -> hey did you hear about this concert? Keep dinner dates for after the bond and the emotional security is more established. Going slow is more suitable to some people, and there are many who dislike interview-like dates.

 

[Pammy]

wands

band, not wand

 

[Pammy]

I can't relax and be myself during dates. People sometimes think I'm uptight. Especially if I have a dinner date with someone outside. Eating out makes me very nervous, and the more nervous I get, the worse things get. What could these issues be related to? How can I solve this eating problem in particular? I'm really scared that if I spill my food if I eat wrong, even swallowing audibly makes me feel like I'm a disgusting person. And when it comes to sex, even though I've had a few opportunities, I've avoided even kissing because I don't know how to kiss. Even if I don't notice it when the other person touches me, I react strangely. Even when they just want to hug me, my body feels very artificial and out of place. I'm really full of insecurities, and how can I resolve this?

I'm spamming this thread at this point, sorry. I forgot the second part.

To be yourself on dates, do the dates about things you feel like you are yourself, most comfortable, secure, and sure. If there is X activity you regularly do, like, have confidence, consider it if it can be a date. ''I have a badminton match, would you like to come watch and support me?'' This is actually a bad idea, because you will be separated and not communicating. You can invite them to try the sport and practice it with you, if the sport is something you are confiedent, have been doing since childhood, you/her/him like friendly competition, there will be natural occurances of physical touching, et cetera.

Be creative and try to remember when was it you feel most confident and relaxed. Instead of forcing yourself to be confident in a date you are feeling insecure, make something you are confident a date opportunity. If you are a great chef, have mastery in this, you can cook and make them try while you are cooking. You won't be eating in this example. You can create cute small contacts such as feeding the other person with a fork so they can try it while you are cooking.

There is also another issue, if you mess up, for instance, cut/burn yourself while cooking or fall down doing a sport you are confident or break the water glass during dinner date, the other person will probably run to your help. Treating the injury can be another opportunity for contact. Don't feel ashamed, take things as they come and make the most out of them. If you spill water on the table, the other person's reaction such as trying to find their napkin to help will make you get to know them. If they are someone who is overly critical, insufferable, it is a bad match anyway.

 

[Pammy]

One last thing to the OP, I'm writing this because previous answers were about what could be done instead of a dinner date while the question specifies dinner dates. So they may not be helpful.

If it's certainly going to be a dinner date, keep in mind that standing face-to-face is in body language not very amicable. Think about a chess match, a boxing match, any kind of match, an interview, an argument. Cute goats for conveying the meaning. While some people may thrive in this flirty banter, playful teasing, it is not always the case.

Standing side by side with an open body language (don't cross your arms for example) will be better for some people. This is a lifesaver for eye-contact difficulty. Restaurants can have seats in their terrace or balconies where the couple looks at the scenery instead of each other. Some cozy places have L shaped sofas or sofas you can sit side by side instead of chairs, this is the best for a date. While chatting you and other person naturally touch each others knees and arms. This is easier than going for a kiss straight away with no warm-up.

Turning your back to a door or open space will make someone more nervous. This is a primal urge. Turning your back on an open door is always uncomfortable in a workspace, office, study, or dining room. I'm not an expert on feng shui but I'm sure they have a thing for that.

Considering above while making a reservation will help you. Going for safe foods in a restaurant you tried and liked, something easy to eat should ease your worries.

I'm invested now. Please update the thread or come back with a forum account to announce happy news of a relationship.

Good luck!

 

[Ask Satya Operator]

One last thing to the OP, I'm writing this because previous answers were about what could be done instead of a dinner date while the question specifies dinner dates. So they may not be helpful.

If it's certainly going to be a dinner date, keep in mind that standing face-to-face is in body language not very amicable. Think about a chess match, a boxing match, any kind of match, an interview, an argument. Cute goats for conveying the meaning. While some people may thrive in this flirty banter, playful teasing, it is not always the case.
View attachment 9751

Standing side by side with an open body language (don't cross your arms for example) will be better for some people. This is a lifesaver for eye-contact difficulty. Restaurants can have seats in their terrace or balconies where the couple looks at the scenery instead of each other. Some cozy places have L shaped sofas or sofas you can sit side by side instead of chairs, this is the best for a date. While chatting you and other person naturally touch each others knees and arms. This is easier than going for a kiss straight away with no warm-up.

Turning your back to a door or open space will make someone more nervous. This is a primal urge. Turning your back on an open door is always uncomfortable in a workspace, office, study, or dining room. I'm not an expert on feng shui but I'm sure they have a thing for that.

Considering above while making a reservation will help you. Going for safe foods in a restaurant you tried and liked, something easy to eat should ease your worries.

I'm invested now. Please update the thread or come back with a forum account to announce happy news of a relationship.

Good luck!

Pammy, thank you so much. It makes sense that the dining situation relates to the Moon in the chart, and that this affects me more because my Moon is in the 1st house in a sign where it's not comfortable.
I'm a woman, and I'm usually the one who gets invited. Is it right for me to steer the relationship this way?

Sitting side by side makes me feel much more uncomfortable. I feel much more at ease when someone is in front of me and I can look them directly in the eyes.
This can sometimes be uncomfortable for them, if the person I'm talking to don't have a Scorpio stellium, they always find it uncomfortable as I experienced. But I feel comfortable. Watching and observing their every move makes me feel safe.

Anyway, I know it's hard for love to manifest with these things. I'll keep what you said in mind when I start dating again and I will update as you said. Thank you so so much for all your time and effort, I am really grateful.

 

[Pammy]

Pammy, thank you so much. It makes sense that the dining situation relates to the Moon in the chart, and that this affects me more because my Moon is in the 1st house in a sign where it's not comfortable.
I'm a woman, and I'm usually the one who gets invited. Is it right for me to steer the relationship this way?

Sitting side by side makes me feel much more uncomfortable. I feel much more at ease when someone is in front of me and I can look them directly in the eyes.
This can sometimes be uncomfortable for them, if the person I'm talking to don't have a Scorpio stellium, they always find it uncomfortable as I experienced. But I feel comfortable. Watching and observing their every move makes me feel safe.

Anyway, I know it's hard for love to manifest with these things. I'll keep what you said in mind when I start dating again and I will update as you said. Thank you so so much for all your time and effort, I am really grateful.

5th house is flirt and light hearted romance, 7th is marriage and relationship, 8th is sex and intercourse (not playful lovemaking, intense). From this we can understand why some people have loveless and sexless marriages while others experience love but never get married, or can have sex without love. Because these are different areas of life some have all, some have none, some have some. Personally romance comes easily to me, others not always.

From ToZ:

5th Rules: ... athletics, acting, recreation, love affairs, theatres, gambling, risk taking, games and sports, and one's creative potential.

7th Rules: The marriage/significant partner, people you attract as partners, contracts, agreements, open enemies, rivals...

8th Rules: Sex, death, taxes,... deep soul mate contacts...

First dates I think should be related to the first house, as it is the house of beginnings, and also 5th house since it is the house of romance, having a crush, love affairs.

Yes, you can offer alternatives and suggest a different plan that will make you more comfortable. The other person should reciprocate and accommodate your wishes too, even if they are the one proposing an outing. Someone not willing to include you in making plans and final decisions is going to prove difficult to get along. It is worse if they don't want to go out with you enough to deal with the very difficult task(!) of making a different plan. Anyway, almost everyone is sane enough to care what the other person wants to do if they are going to do something together.

It is possible someone will have a personality that makes them want to control what is happening and someone else who wants to not decide anything at all and leave everything to the other person. They should find each other and live happily ever after. Though even the most extreme personality will become tired at one point when the other person never initiates anything and takes responsibility of deciding and planning nothing. What is the purpose of dating if it will not help you to get to know the other person? Making a plan together will help you know them and how you two cooperate.

Being comfortable sitting side by side or on opposite sides is very personal. A table between you can make you more comfortable too, apart from eye contact and being able to watch them, because they won't be able to touch you easily. It is like having a shield.

By the way, this sounds simple, but if you were never told this I will tell you now. You don't have to feel comfortable and ready to cuddle, hug, or kiss if you don't want to do these. If you want to but can't, this is a different issue. If you don't want to, you don't have to. You literally don't have to touch or kiss or do anything because of duty, or it is expected. Then they might choose to stop going on dates or being a boyfriend, their decision. If you want to, feel attraction, but can't because of feeling anxious that's a different issue. How to say this, allow yourself to be courted and allow them to court you.