You have no proof that this which you're wasting your time & energy on(thoughts of abandonment) are true. You admit this in your post on 10.3 when I asked you why you think Satan left you:
"I don't know...I thought I didn't do anything disrespect but I have a bad feeling."
The only "evidence" you have(which is not evidence at all as it's neither tangible nor concrete, nor reinforced by anything outside itself) is an emotion. And you assume that this emotion is there for the reason you think it's there for, or for any reason at all. The line of logic is this: "I feel that this happened, that it's real, ipso facto - therefore - it happened and it is reality. If it didn't happen then I wouldn't be feeling that it did"
This feels convincing but it is not logical, even though it masquerades as if it were. It's as logical as dreaming that as you get started with your daily grind, you get hit by a car, and then when you wake up being afraid to leave your house or go near any roads because you think you'll get hit by a car. "It felt so real in the dream!" Yes, felt, but it's not connected to reality in any way. The dream doesn't mean anything on its own and is evidence of nothing other than itself(that you had the dream), though you can choose to treat it as if it were a premonition and be a nervous wreck for the rest of your daily life.
Do you see how this parallels with what you're experiencing? You can choose to act as if your worries are true, but if they aren't then you're only setting yourself up to be miserable. Or you could add a dose of skepticism and ground yourself by accepting that there are more than one side to the story and understanding that your feelings are not always in touch with objective reality, and get on with your life in peace. Either decision is your perogative. But it's not hard to see which is the more preferable of the two.
"What I truly care is reality. You may think Satan hasn't left me, but it doesn't mean reality. I have no fear about cruel reality, so just tell me the truth."
Ironically, your emotions influenced you to say this. The truth is that the truth, the reality, isn't necessarily in line with what your emotions tell you reality is. Facts don't care about your feelings. What seems to be going on here, is the emotions are influencing you into seeing people who tell you that reality isn't what the feeling says it is, are lying to you. That we're the ones who aren't in touch with reality, because we tell you things that the emotion doesn't agree with.
I'm not saying to take what others, or what I myself say at face value. Just as you shouldn't take your emotions as objective reality, neither should you necessarily accept what others say. But closing yourself off to other perspectives and experiences(as well as your own) isn't going to do you any good. Emotions can sometimes be based in reality, but just as often(if not more often) they're not entirely true to it. Point being to be careful not to fall for neither negative delusions, nor positive delusions, and to be wary of emotional reasoning that flies in the face of all evidence and logic. Don't get false flagged by a feeling masquerading as rationality.
All that having been said, I can get where you're coming from. I was at a low point once and I made the request not to bother with me when I'm gone, to let the dice fall where they may. Similar in a way to you. I worried for a bit and when I got out of the dip and kinda made peace and forgot about it, I felt the nudge that said "we're still here", which cheered me up a bit.
People say things they don't mean when they're at emotional extremes and it's hard to see things from different angles when you're depressed but it doesn't mean that the one side you see is the only side there is. So don't give up on yourself.
Be well.
