Sorry for the long wait, bruh. Life can be phukken hectic.
One has to contemplate, realize things and transcend ones self, I guess. This is evolution. Then you also have to remember that some things in life are just for pleasure. Just don't be too hard on yourself.
No worries, Brother. Plus, I have seen less activity in the forum right now that we're all doing the group effort with rituals, it's not like we have a lot of spare time to just chat.
About that fantasy of mine, I'm observing moments in which I can clearly see what this all is. To put it shortly, I asked Father Satan to help me get rid of it or at least making it an extra option and manageable, and during meditation (Void but while vibrating Runes) I finally started having a bunch of visions. Mostly it's what I assume people sometimes call "spiritual geometry" (shapes and spirals resembling the DNA double helix, mostly, and parts that look like partial Demonic sigils), but it's a clear message that tells me I'm binding my own astral vision by flooding my mind with unnecessary stuff. Stuff which ONLY has a purpose to quickly lead me to orgasm (which at the end of the day IS a good thing as we use it and it's highly Satanic). So, once again, trusting Father and taking a renewed 'leap of faith' about this too has proved invaluable.
And about that.. I know you have family and don't deal with Succubi, but I have once again bumped into a (very obvious) hint. Most people I spoke with who find it hard to reach their Succubus usually focus on the astral sight, hearing at most. Someone in here even told me a first encounter with a Succubus is unmissable cause you'll have sex right then and there as her means of 'sealing the deal' with you. And knowing my inability to get normally aroused by 'common stuff' I decided to take up another sense (that's going to sound super obvious but perhaps is not): Touch. From what I have experienced so far, astral senses lead to other astral senses. Some call it 'synestesia' (feeling the same thing with senses other than the normally appointed one for that task, like tasting with touch and hearing colors and all that beautiful stuff), but I almost believe now that it's simply an evolution of the senses, and it works even better with astral senses in my opinion.
My take on this is, focusing on developing astral touch INEVITABLY triggers astral sight (at least glimpses of information that you can rely on), and this will eventually evolve into more, hearing the Demons, speaking with them, and all the other senses an experienced Zevism develops with enough time and practice.
I'll let you know what happens with this. I did have a few good looks at my Succubus, but it's hard, very occasional, and I can sense she wants more than just looking at each other. I think Touch is the answer. I can't wait for my clairalience to activate with her.. I already know most people around me suck in that regard, but sensing Demonic scent is harder for me, for now at least.
ATM I can manage warfare and other essentials like AC+AoP and some personal workings every now and then. In addition to work and general housekeeping you also need some downtime, doing nothing, just contemplating and feeling things, events and ideas.
Current offensive/group effort is an exception, I just HAVE TO go all-in on that one.
Especially at the moment I can really understand not to have time to do everything, unless we really give up on MORE sleep than we already do. I'm thinking, as soon as the current group offensive is over, to start the 40 days of power training. I have done one before (it starts with a simply routine of void and aura cleaning, then adds chakra awakenings and yoga and more advanced exercises) but I think I have done another version of it that lasted something like three months. Don't know if it was a revised one or if the last one has been trimming less powerful stuff, but I need a solid routine again because I was getting to something months ago and now I feel almost isolated from the astral (other than the session of visions I told you about above). Need something really powerful to work on me.
One thing I have learned is to always use Runes. Whether I'm at work, at home or driving. As soon as I have a moment free I'll use sound to reach into my chakras. For a while it has felt like nothing, but I persisted and I recently begun feeling my third eye again without even using Elements.
Someone said that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is a sign of madness. I'm even not sure ATM, bro. Sometimes it seems to me that I can discover more by feeling, words are just distracting.
The infamous definition of insanity/madness... yeah, I think it's true, but I guess that concerns only someone who does EXACTLY the same thing over and over. I don't think a meditator can possibly do EXACTLY the same thing twice, as every experience will possibly lead to multiple different outcomes, visions, other senses, or thoughts that will stimulate you toward a new deduction that
builds upon your previous experiences. This is why I'm saying "change often if something doesn't work fast". Getting stuck in a routine of unaccomplishment is pointless, and I know very well how we tend to cycle between stages of our progress. This is easily observable with Elements. As they are opposites and so different in nature, one that starts with an Element will inevitably be later drawn to all the other three to compensate the newly created lack of balance. And for this reason I think you're being very wise using the Quintessence. Someone here told me how it will balance all Elements at once, so even if I only use one (usually Air, as I'm learning how to feel it more) I still make sure I also absorb a good amount of Quintessence to balance it all.
I like to think that the music is sort of like a canvas you paint your picture on with your energies.
In that sense, then I'd say music is other the canvas and the paint. As long as you can attain from it as a source of power or focus it's being useful to a purpose.
Do you perform Returning Curses regularly? I've noticed that the generic Aura Cleaning does nothing against them planting negative thoughts/feelings inside your mind. In my case they just go out of their way to make me feel like shit, fed up and hopeless. Some time ago they tried to scheme me with "JoS is not real, just some gibberish. How can you trust these people if they even are humans?". So I told them to go fuck themselves and pulled yet another double Ritual on them, followed by Returning Curses.
I don't even feel like Returning Curses is so much of a necessity, you know? When I do the Ritual and reach the affirmation I feel like I have either returned and demolished curses as well as put an aura of protection around me. And I don't even feel as much from the Rituals anymore, not even the 36 reps ones I do when I want to test myself and do more. I'm not going as far as something like 99 reps like someone else stated they do simply because I don't literally have the time to do it unless I stopped sleeping altogether.. but I hate it when I am vibrating or chanting words and I feel a yawn coming up. It means I'm tired and should make it short to keep a good focus. I did fall asleep doing Rituals (mentally) before and it's wasted time and effort, but even normal spoken ones, if I'm already way past healthy bedtime, can get cut off by sleep. I'd really need a longer day to do all I need to do. Or, as I read about the effects of Kundalini, I need less hours of sleep every night. It's not like dreams have been improving, I'd rather meditate effectively.
Other than rituals to protect myself though, I do want to reach a point in which these mind parasites no longer pose any threat to me. Mosquitos can be annoying as fuck, but it doesn't help them if you're made of fire. They burn whenever they try to near you. Honestly, I don't consider myself someone with the strongest mind, but I must have some kickass willpower I don't know of or fail to recognize because I can complain about receiving their thoughts, but it's more like 'nagging children who misbehave' than anything more. Personally, I think they are intelligent and capable in terms of technology, but also that they severely lack the ability to adapt their controlling attempt on someone who, to put it easily, feels so strongly about Father Satan and our Gods. There's been some slight attempts at coercing me away from Satan, but the attempts are weak, faint, non repetitive, and something tells me they already know the answer to those pitiful attempts, so they don't even try to insist. Makes sense?
In a way, you've been tremendously helpful some time ago, Bro. Precisely when you said we should have more faith in our Gods. I realized I haven't really trusted anyone but myself for too long, looking for trust in humans who didn't even know what it is, and because of this I have made the mistake of not trusting the Gods. Now I'm different. Not even after the time Satan appeared to me during the only nearly comatose hours I was under the only time in my life I took a drug. I was glad and grateful, but I didn't "TRUST". I believe trust is a choice one makes, not something you can really prove. Someone has been practically at my side for years, yet now I can't trust them at all and they won't even acknowledge me. Did long years mean anything at all? Apparently not. I chose to trust when I believed it would be right, and I withdrew my trust after I've been betrayed.
I've been a Spiritual Satanist for nearly 20 years and I have realized I didn't 'trust' the Gods. That was my mistake. Every time I have let a God or Goddess know I trust them, they gave me some sign or came to me in a vision. Trust is the key here.
Undoubtedly, Fire has so far been the best experience. Haven't tried Air yet. Perhaps it is time? Earth was heavy but grounding. I'm yet to try Water because it can trigger depression. Experimenting with individual Elements is highly educational but when I last experimented with them I felt that I should start to inhale Quintessence regularly to evolve myself as a whole.
Take good care of yourself.
Heil Satan
