Re: Feeling betrayed and horribly misunderstood.

[tappouzumaki]

....maybe meditating on the 7 chackra, with MAUM, can solve this "state of confusion". you should try this

--- In [url=mailto:[email protected]][email protected][/url], "felix_valentine_000" <t.ulanowicz@... wrote:

I'm in a bit of a state of confusion. Ever since I took a job at this place of employment where they forced me and everyone there to wear disgusting grey uniforms I feel like my life has been slipping away from me. Another being that retarded facebook thing which has been causing (or has caused) so many fucking problems.

One in particular was this one girl I worked with at the job I had a while ago. I'm confused as to whether she was friend or foe, but the games she played were often absurd. But feeling like I probably should have done something with her, I eventually made my approach and asked her out. She rejected me, and the story went on. I obtained my own place, living alone, and have been more able to meditate, and work my way towards living my life to my own accord.

Though I still feel like I'm being pushed into playing a role I'm not even ready to play. Or possibly following the steps someone else has laid out for me, yanking me into a position of business, with it's ugly greyness and cold-cut decision making. Fighting it off has been leaving me feeling beaten down, as I continue to forcibly speak my word on how much I want my freedom. To live my life the way I choose, to possibly one day be able to wipe the slate clean and obtain a new legal name. Start fresh.

Honestly I don't know who to talk to. I've been trying very earnestly to try and master astral projection to go out and talk to someone who may help, but I often come into a situation where I get psychically attacked to where they try to seal up my abilities to project myself out.

As legally required of me, I'm needed to see a doctor and a therapist whom I suspect are either greys, or individuals who know me as the ugly reputation I've built using my current legal name.

I mean, almost anyone is able to type my name into a computer and see that under my name is listed as a "Paranoid Schizophrenic-Convicted Felon", who also has a brief history of drug use.

So now I'm in a state where I feel like I've been cast out as a leper, even to where it's not even so much an Earthly reputation, but many other entities that exist in the cosmos.

Knowing of certain things about myself, makes things difficult reaching out to the Gods of Hell for advice. I know full well about how I likely have had relationships with a Demoness/Goddess here or there in past lives, but am feeling suffocated with their almost relentless attempts to get in close contact with me. I want to be able to have my space so I can deal with the deeply rooted personal issues I desperately need to attend to, and I certainly know that sexual relationships with whomever is not going to solve them.

There was a situation or two where I requested to have a succubus, but it was harshly difficult and confusing, progressing into nothing much more than unneeded stress. I then realized of myself that I simply am not able to handle a relationship with anyone right now, being in the current state that I'm in. (That and living in a small apartment with thin walls I hardly think ecstatic sex would go all too well.) So I've been trying to communicate however I can to try and break it off and focus myself entirely on meditations, and healing this tremendously battered body of mine, which honestly doesn't do too well acting as a house for my soul anymore.

I too, often feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I wish someone would just speak to me on a personal level on the outside world and simply tell me what they need to tell me, but no one seems to comply. So I sit here, stuck in this apartment, many people thinking I'm a God when I'm not, yet, and others thinking of me as a disgusting individual who shouldn't even exist with my horrible background and flop-ups. Others even go as far as to say that I missed out on the opportunity on finding a wife, even though the same girl continued to treat me like a dog and rejected me when I had asked her to possibly get acquainted with here outside of work.

Though in reality of the situation, I've realized that with the experiences I've had in the last 5~7 years, being bombarded with so much bullshit and individuals trying to control my life, all I've been wanting to have is my freedom, my liberation, to be myself without anyone giving me the stink-eye, or some worrisome look on their face. To really to be alone again. Look up to the Sun, and feel the sunshine on my face without some sort of annoyance popping up. Family members would come to me thinking that I'm a homosexual, because I'm not running around like some sort of dickhead playboy sleeping with a random woman every night. With the state that my physical body is in, the scars, the stretch-marks, the irregular pattern of my spine, it is sometimes completely retarded how some (but probably many) people think of me as.

So what should I do? I certainly feel like it's completely idiotic to post this on public boards with the obvious Jewish infiltrators running through here, but with how much they already know from my time spent spilling my life's story to a bunch of dirty kikes, it doesn't seem as bad saying it here. I know many others have been convinced of what sort of person I am based on the behaviors I've exhibited in past years as some moron who sits around (doing stupid stuff), or that there are qualities or "preferences" of mine that I should drop and go along with whatever I'm told I should be doing.

But with a person's pride at stake, a person's dignity, their morals, their principles, what sort of moron continues to go as far as to push me against my will into something I don't even want to do at the moment? Or something even to completely convert parts of my life into something about sex? There are suspicions of mine that I have where there are powerful Goddesses (or Goddess) who are/is very adamant in pulling my into her grip, but is also sucking the life out of me. Other feelings I have are ones of "Okay, so she's been cheating on you, so what?", as in where my initials reaction is to detach myself from her and break it off eternally, as I am one to utterly despise being cheated on. Though it seems to some people like it would tear a hole in the fabric of time and space or something, and collapse the universe into a total restart or something if I did.

So pretty much what I've been doing is trying to detach myself from almost all things and focus more and more of myself into meditations until it becomes a total focus of mine. Removing myself of the extreme perversion that has been ingrained in me has not been an easy task, however. Not to mention the common idea by many folk thinking that I'm already a God when I'm not, and that I should be using a God-name of mine. Which again, I think is a hilariously retarded idea.

So for those who have actually bothered to read all of my ridiculous rant, what is your advice? My life feel totally askew and in many ways fragmented and difficult to reach, and I seem to be very lost in my ways.

Hail the Gods of Hell!

 

[emailanonymous36]

The French Foreign Legion offers brand new identities as well as citizenship status to various countries, you could always sign up with them.

--- In [url=mailto:[email protected]][email protected][/url], "felix_valentine_000" <t.ulanowicz@... wrote:

I'm in a bit of a state of confusion. Ever since I took a job at this place of employment where they forced me and everyone there to wear disgusting grey uniforms I feel like my life has been slipping away from me. Another being that retarded facebook thing which has been causing (or has caused) so many fucking problems.

One in particular was this one girl I worked with at the job I had a while ago. I'm confused as to whether she was friend or foe, but the games she played were often absurd. But feeling like I probably should have done something with her, I eventually made my approach and asked her out. She rejected me, and the story went on. I obtained my own place, living alone, and have been more able to meditate, and work my way towards living my life to my own accord.

Though I still feel like I'm being pushed into playing a role I'm not even ready to play. Or possibly following the steps someone else has laid out for me, yanking me into a position of business, with it's ugly greyness and cold-cut decision making. Fighting it off has been leaving me feeling beaten down, as I continue to forcibly speak my word on how much I want my freedom. To live my life the way I choose, to possibly one day be able to wipe the slate clean and obtain a new legal name. Start fresh.

Honestly I don't know who to talk to. I've been trying very earnestly to try and master astral projection to go out and talk to someone who may help, but I often come into a situation where I get psychically attacked to where they try to seal up my abilities to project myself out.

As legally required of me, I'm needed to see a doctor and a therapist whom I suspect are either greys, or individuals who know me as the ugly reputation I've built using my current legal name.

I mean, almost anyone is able to type my name into a computer and see that under my name is listed as a "Paranoid Schizophrenic-Convicted Felon", who also has a brief history of drug use.

So now I'm in a state where I feel like I've been cast out as a leper, even to where it's not even so much an Earthly reputation, but many other entities that exist in the cosmos.

Knowing of certain things about myself, makes things difficult reaching out to the Gods of Hell for advice. I know full well about how I likely have had relationships with a Demoness/Goddess here or there in past lives, but am feeling suffocated with their almost relentless attempts to get in close contact with me. I want to be able to have my space so I can deal with the deeply rooted personal issues I desperately need to attend to, and I certainly know that sexual relationships with whomever is not going to solve them.

There was a situation or two where I requested to have a succubus, but it was harshly difficult and confusing, progressing into nothing much more than unneeded stress. I then realized of myself that I simply am not able to handle a relationship with anyone right now, being in the current state that I'm in. (That and living in a small apartment with thin walls I hardly think ecstatic sex would go all too well.) So I've been trying to communicate however I can to try and break it off and focus myself entirely on meditations, and healing this tremendously battered body of mine, which honestly doesn't do too well acting as a house for my soul anymore.

I too, often feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I wish someone would just speak to me on a personal level on the outside world and simply tell me what they need to tell me, but no one seems to comply. So I sit here, stuck in this apartment, many people thinking I'm a God when I'm not, yet, and others thinking of me as a disgusting individual who shouldn't even exist with my horrible background and flop-ups. Others even go as far as to say that I missed out on the opportunity on finding a wife, even though the same girl continued to treat me like a dog and rejected me when I had asked her to possibly get acquainted with here outside of work.

Though in reality of the situation, I've realized that with the experiences I've had in the last 5~7 years, being bombarded with so much bullshit and individuals trying to control my life, all I've been wanting to have is my freedom, my liberation, to be myself without anyone giving me the stink-eye, or some worrisome look on their face. To really to be alone again. Look up to the Sun, and feel the sunshine on my face without some sort of annoyance popping up. Family members would come to me thinking that I'm a homosexual, because I'm not running around like some sort of dickhead playboy sleeping with a random woman every night. With the state that my physical body is in, the scars, the stretch-marks, the irregular pattern of my spine, it is sometimes completely retarded how some (but probably many) people think of me as.

So what should I do? I certainly feel like it's completely idiotic to post this on public boards with the obvious Jewish infiltrators running through here, but with how much they already know from my time spent spilling my life's story to a bunch of dirty kikes, it doesn't seem as bad saying it here. I know many others have been convinced of what sort of person I am based on the behaviors I've exhibited in past years as some moron who sits around (doing stupid stuff), or that there are qualities or "preferences" of mine that I should drop and go along with whatever I'm told I should be doing.

But with a person's pride at stake, a person's dignity, their morals, their principles, what sort of moron continues to go as far as to push me against my will into something I don't even want to do at the moment? Or something even to completely convert parts of my life into something about sex? There are suspicions of mine that I have where there are powerful Goddesses (or Goddess) who are/is very adamant in pulling my into her grip, but is also sucking the life out of me. Other feelings I have are ones of "Okay, so she's been cheating on you, so what?", as in where my initials reaction is to detach myself from her and break it off eternally, as I am one to utterly despise being cheated on. Though it seems to some people like it would tear a hole in the fabric of time and space or something, and collapse the universe into a total restart or something if I did.

So pretty much what I've been doing is trying to detach myself from almost all things and focus more and more of myself into meditations until it becomes a total focus of mine. Removing myself of the extreme perversion that has been ingrained in me has not been an easy task, however. Not to mention the common idea by many folk thinking that I'm already a God when I'm not, and that I should be using a God-name of mine. Which again, I think is a hilariously retarded idea.

So for those who have actually bothered to read all of my ridiculous rant, what is your advice? My life feel totally askew and in many ways fragmented and difficult to reach, and I seem to be very lost in my ways.

Hail the Gods of Hell!

 

[Jason Noyes]

I understand where you're coming from.  I did 6 years on a 5-7. Everyone where I work knows about my past. I've been maneuvered to e working the overnight shift by myself. The drama at work is so bad it qualifies for reality TV.  I decided that will not control me. I got into a community college, where because of my record I have to register with the campus police.  I got a certificate for manufacturing and am almost done with an associates degree in mechanical engineering technology.Find and develop your inner strength. That is what Satanism is about and what Father wants us to do.Remember, Illigitium Non Sub Cabarundum! (Don't let the bastards wear you down.)JasonHail Satan!
From: felix_valentine_000 <t.ulanowicz@...
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, May 26, 2013 8:34 AM
Subject: [JoyofSatan666] Feeling betrayed and horribly misunderstood.
  I'm in a bit of a state of confusion. Ever since I took a job at this place of employment where they forced me and everyone there to wear disgusting grey uniforms I feel like my life has been slipping away from me. Another being that retarded facebook thing which has been causing (or has caused) so many fucking problems.

One in particular was this one girl I worked with at the job I had a while ago. I'm confused as to whether she was friend or foe, but the games she played were often absurd. But feeling like I probably should have done something with her, I eventually made my approach and asked her out. She rejected me, and the story went on. I obtained my own place, living alone, and have been more able to meditate, and work my way towards living my life to my own accord.

Though I still feel like I'm being pushed into playing a role I'm not even ready to play. Or possibly following the steps someone else has laid out for me, yanking me into a position of business, with it's ugly greyness and cold-cut decision making. Fighting it off has been leaving me feeling beaten down, as I continue to forcibly speak my word on how much I want my freedom. To live my life the way I choose, to possibly one day be able to wipe the slate clean and obtain a new legal name. Start fresh.

Honestly I don't know who to talk to. I've been trying very earnestly to try and master astral projection to go out and talk to someone who may help, but I often come into a situation where I get psychically attacked to where they try to seal up my abilities to project myself out.

As legally required of me, I'm needed to see a doctor and a therapist whom I suspect are either greys, or individuals who know me as the ugly reputation I've built using my current legal name.

I mean, almost anyone is able to type my name into a computer and see that under my name is listed as a "Paranoid Schizophrenic-Convicted Felon", who also has a brief history of drug use.

So now I'm in a state where I feel like I've been cast out as a leper, even to where it's not even so much an Earthly reputation, but many other entities that exist in the cosmos.

Knowing of certain things about myself, makes things difficult reaching out to the Gods of Hell for advice. I know full well about how I likely have had relationships with a Demoness/Goddess here or there in past lives, but am feeling suffocated with their almost relentless attempts to get in close contact with me. I want to be able to have my space so I can deal with the deeply rooted personal issues I desperately need to attend to, and I certainly know that sexual relationships with whomever is not going to solve them.

There was a situation or two where I requested to have a succubus, but it was harshly difficult and confusing, progressing into nothing much more than unneeded stress. I then realized of myself that I simply am not able to handle a relationship with anyone right now, being in the current state that I'm in. (That and living in a small apartment with thin walls I hardly think ecstatic sex would go all too well.) So I've been trying to communicate however I can to try and break it off and focus myself entirely on meditations, and healing this tremendously battered body of mine, which honestly doesn't do too well acting as a house for my soul anymore.

I too, often feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I wish someone would just speak to me on a personal level on the outside world and simply tell me what they need to tell me, but no one seems to comply. So I sit here, stuck in this apartment, many people thinking I'm a God when I'm not, yet, and others thinking of me as a disgusting individual who shouldn't even exist with my horrible background and flop-ups. Others even go as far as to say that I missed out on the opportunity on finding a wife, even though the same girl continued to treat me like a dog and rejected me when I had asked her to possibly get acquainted with here outside of work.

Though in reality of the situation, I've realized that with the experiences I've had in the last 5~7 years, being bombarded with so much bullshit and individuals trying to control my life, all I've been wanting to have is my freedom, my liberation, to be myself without anyone giving me the stink-eye, or some worrisome look on their face. To really to be alone again. Look up to the Sun, and feel the sunshine on my face without some sort of annoyance popping up. Family members would come to me thinking that I'm a homosexual, because I'm not running around like some sort of dickhead playboy sleeping with a random woman every night. With the state that my physical body is in, the scars, the stretch-marks, the irregular pattern of my spine, it is sometimes completely retarded how some (but probably many) people think of me as.

So what should I do? I certainly feel like it's completely idiotic to post this on public boards with the obvious Jewish infiltrators running through here, but with how much they already know from my time spent spilling my life's story to a bunch of dirty kikes, it doesn't seem as bad saying it here. I know many others have been convinced of what sort of person I am based on the behaviors I've exhibited in past years as some moron who sits around (doing stupid stuff), or that there are qualities or "preferences" of mine that I should drop and go along with whatever I'm told I should be doing.

But with a person's pride at stake, a person's dignity, their morals, their principles, what sort of moron continues to go as far as to push me against my will into something I don't even want to do at the moment? Or something even to completely convert parts of my life into something about sex? There are suspicions of mine that I have where there are powerful Goddesses (or Goddess) who are/is very adamant in pulling my into her grip, but is also sucking the life out of me. Other feelings I have are ones of "Okay, so she's been cheating on you, so what?", as in where my initials reaction is to detach myself from her and break it off eternally, as I am one to utterly despise being cheated on. Though it seems to some people like it would tear a hole in the fabric of time and space or something, and collapse the universe into a total restart or something if I did.

So pretty much what I've been doing is trying to detach myself from almost all things and focus more and more of myself into meditations until it becomes a total focus of mine. Removing myself of the extreme perversion that has been ingrained in me has not been an easy task, however. Not to mention the common idea by many folk thinking that I'm already a God when I'm not, and that I should be using a God-name of mine. Which again, I think is a hilariously retarded idea.

So for those who have actually bothered to read all of my ridiculous rant, what is your advice? My life feel totally askew and in many ways fragmented and difficult to reach, and I seem to be very lost in my ways.

Hail the Gods of Hell!

 

[Jon1]

<td val[/IMG]Meditate. Fight for Satan. Have faith in Him. If you work hard enough things should fall into line. All your problems are temporary. You might want to get another job. With enough time you can have a relationship. Just stay strong in Satan and things will get better. I don't know if I covered everything but it seems you typed a lot of stuff that is unnecessary. Things will get better. How long have you been meditating?

--- On Sun, 5/26/13, felix_valentine_000 <t.ulanowicz@... wrote:

From: felix_valentine_000 <t.ulanowicz@...
Subject: [JoyofSatan666] Feeling betrayed and horribly misunderstood.
To: [email protected]
Date: Sunday, May 26, 2013, 12:34 PM

  I'm in a bit of a state of confusion. Ever since I took a job at this place of employment where they forced me and everyone there to wear disgusting grey uniforms I feel like my life has been slipping away from me. Another being that retarded facebook thing which has been causing (or has caused) so many fucking problems.

One in particular was this one girl I worked with at the job I had a while ago. I'm confused as to whether she was friend or foe, but the games she played were often absurd. But feeling like I probably should have done something with her, I eventually made my approach and asked her out. She rejected me, and the story went on. I obtained my own place, living alone, and have been more able to meditate, and work my way towards living my life to my own accord.

Though I still feel like I'm being pushed into playing a role I'm not even ready to play. Or possibly following the steps someone else has laid out for me, yanking me into a position of business, with it's ugly greyness and cold-cut decision making. Fighting it off has been leaving me feeling beaten down, as I continue to forcibly speak my word on how much I want my freedom. To live my life the way I choose, to possibly one day be able to wipe the slate clean and obtain a new legal name. Start fresh.

Honestly I don't know who to talk to. I've been trying very earnestly to try and master astral projection to go out and talk to someone who may help, but I often come into a situation where I get psychically attacked to where they try to seal up my abilities to project myself out.

As legally required of me, I'm needed to see a doctor and a therapist whom I suspect are either greys, or individuals who know me as the ugly reputation I've built using my current legal name.

I mean, almost anyone is able to type my name into a computer and see that under my name is listed as a "Paranoid Schizophrenic-Convicted Felon", who also has a brief history of drug use.

So now I'm in a state where I feel like I've been cast out as a leper, even to where it's not even so much an Earthly reputation, but many other entities that exist in the cosmos.

Knowing of certain things about myself, makes things difficult reaching out to the Gods of Hell for advice. I know full well about how I likely have had relationships with a Demoness/Goddess here or there in past lives, but am feeling suffocated with their almost relentless attempts to get in close contact with me. I want to be able to have my space so I can deal with the deeply rooted personal issues I desperately need to attend to, and I certainly know that sexual relationships with whomever is not going to solve them.

There was a situation or two where I requested to have a succubus, but it was harshly difficult and confusing, progressing into nothing much more than unneeded stress. I then realized of myself that I simply am not able to handle a relationship with anyone right now, being in the current state that I'm in. (That and living in a small apartment with thin walls I hardly think ecstatic sex would go all too well.) So I've been trying to communicate however I can to try and break it off and focus myself entirely on meditations, and healing this tremendously battered body of mine, which honestly doesn't do too well acting as a house for my soul anymore.

I too, often feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I wish someone would just speak to me on a personal level on the outside world and simply tell me what they need to tell me, but no one seems to comply. So I sit here, stuck in this apartment, many people thinking I'm a God when I'm not, yet, and others thinking of me as a disgusting individual who shouldn't even exist with my horrible background and flop-ups. Others even go as far as to say that I missed out on the opportunity on finding a wife, even though the same girl continued to treat me like a dog and rejected me when I had asked her to possibly get acquainted with here outside of work.

Though in reality of the situation, I've realized that with the experiences I've had in the last 5~7 years, being bombarded with so much bullshit and individuals trying to control my life, all I've been wanting to have is my freedom, my liberation, to be myself without anyone giving me the stink-eye, or some worrisome look on their face. To really to be alone again. Look up to the Sun, and feel the sunshine on my face without some sort of annoyance popping up. Family members would come to me thinking that I'm a homosexual, because I'm not running around like some sort of dickhead playboy sleeping with a random woman every night. With the state that my physical body is in, the scars, the stretch-marks, the irregular pattern of my spine, it is sometimes completely retarded how some (but probably many) people think of me as.

So what should I do? I certainly feel like it's completely idiotic to post this on public boards with the obvious Jewish infiltrators running through here, but with how much they already know from my time spent spilling my life's story to a bunch of dirty kikes, it doesn't seem as bad saying it here. I know many others have been convinced of what sort of person I am based on the behaviors I've exhibited in past years as some moron who sits around (doing stupid stuff), or that there are qualities or "preferences" of mine that I should drop and go along with whatever I'm told I should be doing.

But with a person's pride at stake, a person's dignity, their morals, their principles, what sort of moron continues to go as far as to push me against my will into something I don't even want to do at the moment? Or something even to completely convert parts of my life into something about sex? There are suspicions of mine that I have where there are powerful Goddesses (or Goddess) who are/is very adamant in pulling my into her grip, but is also sucking the life out of me. Other feelings I have are ones of "Okay, so she's been cheating on you, so what?", as in where my initials reaction is to detach myself from her and break it off eternally, as I am one to utterly despise being cheated on. Though it seems to some people like it would tear a hole in the fabric of time and space or something, and collapse the universe into a total restart or something if I did.

So pretty much what I've been doing is trying to detach myself from almost all things and focus more and more of myself into meditations until it becomes a total focus of mine. Removing myself of the extreme perversion that has been ingrained in me has not been an easy task, however. Not to mention the common idea by many folk thinking that I'm already a God when I'm not, and that I should be using a God-name of mine. Which again, I think is a hilariously retarded idea.

So for those who have actually bothered to read all of my ridiculous rant, what is your advice? My life feel totally askew and in many ways fragmented and difficult to reach, and I seem to be very lost in my ways.

Hail the Gods of Hell!

[/TD]

 

[svenbugado]

My friend, be positive!
Don't think of yourself as a victim that lesser humans can use and control as they want. Think of yourself as a unbreakable predator, because mans are predators and the strong eats the weak. Do some silly things! Go to swim in the morning, go for a walk in the forest, in the beach, express yourself without fear and be proud of yourself. A girl in the office says no to you and you will feel bad because of it? Of course not. Just try to get some balance, get nice clothes, go out at night and have fun. Try to get some girls for fun, to take your mind out of problems and relax. It will help you express yourself and many other things.

I see many people saying that they don't agree with having sex without being in a bealtiful story of love. I was like this before, wanted to lose my virginity only with the right girl and other bullshits 6 years ago. But later I realized it was my own way to escape the reality because of my low self-steem and my emotional problems because I was too skinny at the time. This was how I explained my failure in life. There are millions of ways to feel better, powerful and in command of your own life. One of the silliest and most effective is picking womans at will. It needs only a good tshirt and saying some bullshit.

You are the one who commands your own life. Noone will get you down if you don't let, but noone will lift you and turn you into a God if you don't use your agressive nature to anihilate your problems.

--- In [url=mailto:[email protected]][email protected][/url], Jason Noyes <noyesj30@... wrote:

I understand where you're coming from.  I did 6 years on a 5-7. Everyone where I work knows about my past. I've been maneuvered to e working the overnight shift by myself. The drama at work is so bad it qualifies for reality TV. 
I decided that will not control me. I got into a community college, where because of my record I have to register with the campus police.  I got a certificate for manufacturing and am almost done with an associates degree in mechanical engineering technology.
Find and develop your inner strength. That is what Satanism is about and what Father wants us to do.
Remember, Illigitium Non Sub Cabarundum! (Don't let the bastards wear you down.)
Jason
Hail Satan!


________________________________
From: felix_valentine_000 <t.ulanowicz@...
To: [url=mailto:[email protected]][email protected][/url]
Sent: Sunday, May 26, 2013 8:34 AM
Subject: [JoyofSatan666] Feeling betrayed and horribly misunderstood.

 

I'm in a bit of a state of confusion. Ever since I took a job at this place of employment where they forced me and everyone there to wear disgusting grey uniforms I feel like my life has been slipping away from me. Another being that retarded facebook thing which has been causing (or has caused) so many fucking problems.

One in particular was this one girl I worked with at the job I had a while ago. I'm confused as to whether she was friend or foe, but the games she played were often absurd. But feeling like I probably should have done something with her, I eventually made my approach and asked her out. She rejected me, and the story went on. I obtained my own place, living alone, and have been more able to meditate, and work my way towards living my life to my own accord.

Though I still feel like I'm being pushed into playing a role I'm not even ready to play. Or possibly following the steps someone else has laid out for me, yanking me into a position of business, with it's ugly greyness and cold-cut decision making. Fighting it off has been leaving me feeling beaten down, as I continue to forcibly speak my word on how much I want my freedom. To live my life the way I choose, to possibly one day be able to wipe the slate clean and obtain a new legal name. Start fresh.

Honestly I don't know who to talk to. I've been trying very earnestly to try and master astral projection to go out and talk to someone who may help, but I often come into a situation where I get psychically attacked to where they try to seal up my abilities to project myself out.

As legally required of me, I'm needed to see a doctor and a therapist whom I suspect are either greys, or individuals who know me as the ugly reputation I've built using my current legal name.

I mean, almost anyone is able to type my name into a computer and see that under my name is listed as a "Paranoid Schizophrenic-Convicted Felon", who also has a brief history of drug use.

So now I'm in a state where I feel like I've been cast out as a leper, even to where it's not even so much an Earthly reputation, but many other entities that exist in the cosmos.

Knowing of certain things about myself, makes things difficult reaching out to the Gods of Hell for advice. I know full well about how I likely have had relationships with a Demoness/Goddess here or there in past lives, but am feeling suffocated with their almost relentless attempts to get in close contact with me. I want to be able to have my space so I can deal with the deeply rooted personal issues I desperately need to attend to, and I certainly know that sexual relationships with whomever is not going to solve them.

There was a situation or two where I requested to have a succubus, but it was harshly difficult and confusing, progressing into nothing much more than unneeded stress. I then realized of myself that I simply am not able to handle a relationship with anyone right now, being in the current state that I'm in. (That and living in a small apartment with thin walls I hardly think ecstatic sex would go all too well.) So I've been trying to communicate however I can to try and break it off and focus myself entirely on meditations, and healing this tremendously battered body of mine, which honestly doesn't do too well acting as a house for my soul anymore.

I too, often feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I wish someone would just speak to me on a personal level on the outside world and simply tell me what they need to tell me, but no one seems to comply. So I sit here, stuck in this apartment, many people thinking I'm a God when I'm not, yet, and others thinking of me as a disgusting individual who shouldn't even exist with my horrible background and flop-ups. Others even go as far as to say that I missed out on the opportunity on finding a wife, even though the same girl continued to treat me like a dog and rejected me when I had asked her to possibly get acquainted with here outside of work.

Though in reality of the situation, I've realized that with the experiences I've had in the last 5~7 years, being bombarded with so much bullshit and individuals trying to control my life, all I've been wanting to have is my freedom, my liberation, to be myself without anyone giving me the stink-eye, or some worrisome look on their face. To really to be alone again. Look up to the Sun, and feel the sunshine on my face without some sort of annoyance popping up. Family members would come to me thinking that I'm a homosexual, because I'm not running around like some sort of dickhead playboy sleeping with a random woman every night. With the state that my physical body is in, the scars, the stretch-marks, the irregular pattern of my spine, it is sometimes completely retarded how some (but probably many) people think of me as.

So what should I do? I certainly feel like it's completely idiotic to post this on public boards with the obvious Jewish infiltrators running through here, but with how much they already know from my time spent spilling my life's story to a bunch of dirty kikes, it doesn't seem as bad saying it here. I know many others have been convinced of what sort of person I am based on the behaviors I've exhibited in past years as some moron who sits around (doing stupid stuff), or that there are qualities or "preferences" of mine that I should drop and go along with whatever I'm told I should be doing.

But with a person's pride at stake, a person's dignity, their morals, their principles, what sort of moron continues to go as far as to push me against my will into something I don't even want to do at the moment? Or something even to completely convert parts of my life into something about sex? There are suspicions of mine that I have where there are powerful Goddesses (or Goddess) who are/is very adamant in pulling my into her grip, but is also sucking the life out of me. Other feelings I have are ones of "Okay, so she's been cheating on you, so what?", as in where my initials reaction is to detach myself from her and break it off eternally, as I am one to utterly despise being cheated on. Though it seems to some people like it would tear a hole in the fabric of time and space or something, and collapse the universe into a total restart or something if I did.

So pretty much what I've been doing is trying to detach myself from almost all things and focus more and more of myself into meditations until it becomes a total focus of mine. Removing myself of the extreme perversion that has been ingrained in me has not been an easy task, however. Not to mention the common idea by many folk thinking that I'm already a God when I'm not, and that I should be using a God-name of mine. Which again, I think is a hilariously retarded idea.

So for those who have actually bothered to read all of my ridiculous rant, what is your advice? My life feel totally askew and in many ways fragmented and difficult to reach, and I seem to be very lost in my ways.

Hail the Gods of Hell!