looking for guideness/ help in solving some doubts i have

[mrobinson07291987]

Well like most i grew up in a christian house hold. When i was a kid was brought ti church and everything but, as i got older my "choice" to go or not was never an option. as I got older it was more like you will go and like it no questions asked, was forced to go through confirmation with that church. Once i got out of highschool i only went because i had a job through that same church (did child care while service was in session). As the years went on I had less and less faith in the christian form of religion well because there are far to many holes in every aspect of it. I also believe its at the very least 99% false, id go further then that but logic dictates there has to be some truth within it. I say some because i don't see god as its said in the bible but, rather just a higher power. Now i don't necessarily have sympathy or them outside off the fact they cant think for themselves. Now i that part is against everything I'm sorry but, part of me cant help but feel sad for them. I have come to say the hell with all religions but, do to recent problems in my life I cant help but feel drawn to something. Its at a point where im almost willing to sell my soul just to feel happy(I am no longer interested in selling my soul by the way). Then i found you guys and as i started to read some of your info it made me start thinking heavly "i this true""is it right""how do i know with out taking that step," well truth is i dont know until i do. The biggest problem I'm facing with this all is the fact my family is so heavy in Christianity that even suggesting thoughts of i being wrong isn't met well and if it wasn't for the fact that i cant find a decent job to support myself id cut myself from anyone who cant support my belief. How can i even discuss the fact that this is whats starting to feel whats right without being thrown out on my but? Is it ok not just say that Christianity isnt for me and asking them not to pray to there "god" during meals or should i avoid them all together? (as far as my living arrangements i just rent an apartment from one of them but they come here frequently) Finally if i choose to go this route fully im guessing we are spread through out the world but is there a group (that belongs to this group) somewhere close to me in the state o NY, and as for the ritual for initiation you have stated needle or razor but will a standard kitchen knife ok? For sanitizing it bleach, boiling hot water or another method? Finally as for the signing will drops of my blood be enough, should i drops blood into  dish or drop them on the paper and write with it? I am still in the searching phase so im sorry for joining this group before actually confirming I'm still looking for answer. So please forgive this wondering soul. There are other things id like to ask but i will leave it here for now.