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I'm in a place where I am seeking truth and am feeling confused. I'm going to share my story below in hope anyone can shed light.
I invoked kali when I was around 20 years old. I spent an hour clearing my mind, connecting to crystals and chanting the kali mantra. I felt this surging energy fill my body and had this heightened awareness. I walked down the street and felt I could see into peoples souls through their faces and felt I was seeing the spiritual realm behind this reality. Shortly after this I began to see and sense demons around me. Dark entities that were constantly attacking me, trying to pin me down and strangle me in my sleep. I felt kali, who is refferred to as the destroyer of demons in mythology, was the only being who could protect me and get rid of them. So I made offerings to her and did rituals to invoke her more and more. Things only served to get more intense, I felt a darkness around me, At times I would feel Kali wrap herself around me, like this blanket of light, warmth and love and I'd feel safe from it all. I had one crazy experience with my current boyfriend. I was asleep next to him and felt this overwhelming heat (it was a spiritual energy) fill my body. My mind went to this empty abyss type place and I had thousands of voices running through my head, telling me they were the 5,000 hindu gods. Then a voice (a female one) began to speak through me and a male voice spoke through my boyfriend. We were both fully aware of what was happening, but whatever it was, was holding us down in our bodies and refusing to let us wake up. They were speaking about a ritual they were doing on me to mark me as theirs, that I would be their property and do their work on earth. My boyfriend began to trace symbols on my body, one on my forehead, heart area and stomach. I was fighting and trying my hardest to wake up and managed to before the last symbol was drawn. I began to have "kali" if it was her, speak to me clearly. Instructing me on what to do, mostly she made me aware that my body was her vessel and if I did not honour her in all I did with it, she would destroy me from the inside out. She would instruct me on who to have sex with and who to mentally transfer her to, then they would experience her and similar spiritual things to me. I remember a lot of the time being aware of angels and demons fighting in the spiritual and I could often see the spirits in and attached to other people. People who threatened or wished me harm often ended up having kali come for them and would begin to lose their minds or have really bad things happen to them. So in a way it seemed she was protecting me. Everywhere I went other people seemed to sense the demonic presences, they would flood out of me into the space and often start attacking the people around me. But I was unaffected. A shaman told me kali was a demon and he did a ritual invoking the arch angel michael. He blessed some bath water in the arch angels name and it turned blue. I bathed in it and cried my eyes out and felt like I was completely cleansed of these spiritual influences.
I went through life connecting with and being guided by the Arch Angel michael for a time. I encountered some pentecostal christians at a tough point in my life, who claimed all the previous stuff I had been into was demonic and their god was the only way to be safe from demonic spirits. However, when I got into their movement, I began to experience sleep paralysis and demonic attack more than I ever had before in my life. I'd feel every sensation of being pinned down by demons and them trying to rape me, slicing my chest open to try rip my heart out. I'd say the name of Jesus, but it didn't always work. It was confusing because I was told if you have the Holy Spirit you are more powerful than the demons and satan and they can't touch you. But I was constantly experiencing dark presences around me. It seemed that accepting Jesus and the Holy Spirit caused all the spirits who had previously been helpers, to manifest as demonic, evil and begin attacking me.Every church service they were about making people manifest demonic possesion as extremely as possible so they could show off and cast it out in the name of Jesus. Part of me wondered if their laying on of hands was putting the demons in people. As they claimed Gods complete authority and power over demons, yet somehow they were always in the church and in church goers.
I ended up studying theology deeply and I stopped believing the bible was the infallible word of God. I was going through severe patches of depression and felt I was doing everything I could to reach out to God and would recieve no answers, nothing back. And I was expected to still hold on in faith. I begged god to help me hold on for months. The whole time I felt dead inside. I got no answers. So I lost faith. Got into understanding the neuroscience of spiritual experiences and psychology. I advanced and grew a lot as a person over this period.
Recently I've had Christian friends preach to me and I've looked back on the kali experience and how I experienced demons all around me, and contemplated her being a demon that has decieved me most of my life. I can see looking back how much my actions were fuelled and controlled by her. It started off with her using fear to motivate me to obey and worship her more and more. As im sure the demonic presences were her creating them so she could manifest as the only being that could save me from them. I've considered and tried praying to and going back to God so I can be saved from all this past spiritual baggage. But looking at the bible and my past experience, god operates the same way she did. Motivating people to worship through fear. I went through the same process when I was with him, in pentecostalism, of demons manifesting more intensely. But was told it was just because I had shown the side of truth, satan was turning on and attacking me.
Now, I'm also weary of Satanism. I did some reading on your site, and a lot of what you say makes sense, yes. But I don't want to be at the whim of other spirits possessing my body and using me for their purposes. I want to be free to be my own person and follow my own path. I've been so influenced by other beings, demanding things out of me. Demanding I give them everything and let them express themselves through me in/control my destiny. I honestly just want to be free and to know myself/what I want spiritually. I read the old testament and think of the effects of Christianity on the world. There has been so much death and destruction in the name of their god.
I don't know how to understand these things. When I was involved with the occult and kali I experienced demons all around me and attacking me and felt I was spiritually manipulated into hosting and doing another beings will and the same thing basically happened with christianity too.
I invoked kali when I was around 20 years old. I spent an hour clearing my mind, connecting to crystals and chanting the kali mantra. I felt this surging energy fill my body and had this heightened awareness. I walked down the street and felt I could see into peoples souls through their faces and felt I was seeing the spiritual realm behind this reality. Shortly after this I began to see and sense demons around me. Dark entities that were constantly attacking me, trying to pin me down and strangle me in my sleep. I felt kali, who is refferred to as the destroyer of demons in mythology, was the only being who could protect me and get rid of them. So I made offerings to her and did rituals to invoke her more and more. Things only served to get more intense, I felt a darkness around me, At times I would feel Kali wrap herself around me, like this blanket of light, warmth and love and I'd feel safe from it all. I had one crazy experience with my current boyfriend. I was asleep next to him and felt this overwhelming heat (it was a spiritual energy) fill my body. My mind went to this empty abyss type place and I had thousands of voices running through my head, telling me they were the 5,000 hindu gods. Then a voice (a female one) began to speak through me and a male voice spoke through my boyfriend. We were both fully aware of what was happening, but whatever it was, was holding us down in our bodies and refusing to let us wake up. They were speaking about a ritual they were doing on me to mark me as theirs, that I would be their property and do their work on earth. My boyfriend began to trace symbols on my body, one on my forehead, heart area and stomach. I was fighting and trying my hardest to wake up and managed to before the last symbol was drawn. I began to have "kali" if it was her, speak to me clearly. Instructing me on what to do, mostly she made me aware that my body was her vessel and if I did not honour her in all I did with it, she would destroy me from the inside out. She would instruct me on who to have sex with and who to mentally transfer her to, then they would experience her and similar spiritual things to me. I remember a lot of the time being aware of angels and demons fighting in the spiritual and I could often see the spirits in and attached to other people. People who threatened or wished me harm often ended up having kali come for them and would begin to lose their minds or have really bad things happen to them. So in a way it seemed she was protecting me. Everywhere I went other people seemed to sense the demonic presences, they would flood out of me into the space and often start attacking the people around me. But I was unaffected. A shaman told me kali was a demon and he did a ritual invoking the arch angel michael. He blessed some bath water in the arch angels name and it turned blue. I bathed in it and cried my eyes out and felt like I was completely cleansed of these spiritual influences.
I went through life connecting with and being guided by the Arch Angel michael for a time. I encountered some pentecostal christians at a tough point in my life, who claimed all the previous stuff I had been into was demonic and their god was the only way to be safe from demonic spirits. However, when I got into their movement, I began to experience sleep paralysis and demonic attack more than I ever had before in my life. I'd feel every sensation of being pinned down by demons and them trying to rape me, slicing my chest open to try rip my heart out. I'd say the name of Jesus, but it didn't always work. It was confusing because I was told if you have the Holy Spirit you are more powerful than the demons and satan and they can't touch you. But I was constantly experiencing dark presences around me. It seemed that accepting Jesus and the Holy Spirit caused all the spirits who had previously been helpers, to manifest as demonic, evil and begin attacking me.Every church service they were about making people manifest demonic possesion as extremely as possible so they could show off and cast it out in the name of Jesus. Part of me wondered if their laying on of hands was putting the demons in people. As they claimed Gods complete authority and power over demons, yet somehow they were always in the church and in church goers.
I ended up studying theology deeply and I stopped believing the bible was the infallible word of God. I was going through severe patches of depression and felt I was doing everything I could to reach out to God and would recieve no answers, nothing back. And I was expected to still hold on in faith. I begged god to help me hold on for months. The whole time I felt dead inside. I got no answers. So I lost faith. Got into understanding the neuroscience of spiritual experiences and psychology. I advanced and grew a lot as a person over this period.
Recently I've had Christian friends preach to me and I've looked back on the kali experience and how I experienced demons all around me, and contemplated her being a demon that has decieved me most of my life. I can see looking back how much my actions were fuelled and controlled by her. It started off with her using fear to motivate me to obey and worship her more and more. As im sure the demonic presences were her creating them so she could manifest as the only being that could save me from them. I've considered and tried praying to and going back to God so I can be saved from all this past spiritual baggage. But looking at the bible and my past experience, god operates the same way she did. Motivating people to worship through fear. I went through the same process when I was with him, in pentecostalism, of demons manifesting more intensely. But was told it was just because I had shown the side of truth, satan was turning on and attacking me.
Now, I'm also weary of Satanism. I did some reading on your site, and a lot of what you say makes sense, yes. But I don't want to be at the whim of other spirits possessing my body and using me for their purposes. I want to be free to be my own person and follow my own path. I've been so influenced by other beings, demanding things out of me. Demanding I give them everything and let them express themselves through me in/control my destiny. I honestly just want to be free and to know myself/what I want spiritually. I read the old testament and think of the effects of Christianity on the world. There has been so much death and destruction in the name of their god.
I don't know how to understand these things. When I was involved with the occult and kali I experienced demons all around me and attacking me and felt I was spiritually manipulated into hosting and doing another beings will and the same thing basically happened with christianity too.
