"Is this ___ really more important than yourself?"

[tabby]

A rough version of what my Demon told me last night. I was laying in bed, letting my inner monologue run its course about why I do certain things that are in ways detrimental, useless, or just lacking in importance to do. I guess this is part of a deeper issue that I have only recently managed to unearth regarding self-torment, and in response to my chatter I heard my Demon ask this simple question. I don't remember it word-for-word exactly but this is close enough and still holds the meaning I want to share.

When he asked me this, I felt a deep pull inside myself and I teared up. Why do I think of things as more important than me and my well-being? Why do I self-torment so much even after understanding very recently that the pain of it is only making me sick and not strong? I've heard people talk about self-importance before, usually as something negative but in this case, it has nothing to do with how important I feel regarding my standing in my environment and with others.

To pair a question with a question to help explain what I mean: "Am I important to myself?"

If one isn't important to themselves, how can they take care of themselves? We guard and protect, look after and nurture what is important to us, and neglect what isn't, naturally. My Demon had me contemplating this simple thing for the rest of the night, something that I would have thought is what people do on instinct, but I realised I have never actually thought of myself as important nor have I felt important to myself. I have always craved being important, useful, and valuable to others (since I feel like shit if I'm nothing more than a doll on a shelf), and I wonder if that was to fill in the hole I held within that I have been failing to fill myself.

"Is this ___ really more important than yourself?"... meaning are the things I choose to do day-by-day providing any benefit to my health, well-being, and advancement? Am I important enough to me that I'll do right by me and give myself the proper care and attention I need to be well and succeed, and prioritize myself (wellness) above less important things?

I believe this is the root of my terrible time-management skills, and prioritizing the wrong things in the moment based on nothing more than "I feel like doing this right now". Sometimes I forget to eat because I become too focused on or obsessed with other things, sometimes I don't sleep when I need to because I don't feel tired or I want to do other things. I fail often to look after my health properly despite efforts to get myself on track again and again, and now I understand. I need to feel important to myself deep down, and prioritize what I need to be healthy and well, because simple pleasures in an impulsive moment of laziness and short lived feel-good thoughts inevitably make things more depressing and harder than necessary. Pleasure can be found in other things at the appropriate times during the day, after all, and proper recuperation after RTR's schedules is a must if I am to have the stamina to keep up on the next round.

What good is this temple for my soul if I let it wither even a little, because I felt it less important to water it for a moment than giving in to fleeting material highs? Sounds even more ridiculous writing it out and looking at it, but I guess that's the consequence of negative conditioning and past wounds.

 

[OpenMind2]

For better time-management , i use the affirmation "I am more/very productive in a pozitive way for me"

In this way, if is productiv for you to be motivate, you will be, if a pozitive method(way) to make you more productiv is to feel or understand something, you will.

Use it.

Just afirm pozitive energy to do it, sexual , solar , runes, mantras , yoga, whatever pozitive energy is good.

I do.it for 10m a day from last month and i am much more organized and productive , I understood and experienced things that as a final result made me to be as productivr as I
needed to be.

Now, one month for me with 10m a day could make or not make a big difference in your life, depending of how much energy and how strong is the energy you use. I used solar and sexual energy(inspire/absorb while masturbating)

 

[OpenMind2]

Also clean your aura and chakras and HEAL your MIND. "This energy heal my mind in the best way for me" and/or exact on the point "this energy make me to care more about myself" as an example, understand what you need exactly and use the powers that Satan and his Demons gave you, also of course keep to empower yourself so you can have better and faster results.

Is possible to change even when it seems to don t be. I was fighting for others and letting myself to "rot" and had health mental financial personal problems, it took me a whole damn year to put myself back on my feet so , you are not alone everybody here is fighting for something somewhere, we are all spiritual satanists and we do all need to understand that we are the ones who change ourselves and the world around us and if we are not evolving, we are fucked. YOU ARE NUMBER 1 on the list of priorities, you and nobody else so go and take damn care of yourself and your problems because nobody will give you nothing if you don t show that you DESERVE IT.

 

[One Wire Phenomenon]

I'm also having this problem. What I do is i force myself then it becomes easier and easier as time goes on.
It's really difficult especially on Fridays for me because I live with people who drink and all my friends drink and the temptation is a lot sometimes. I know it will only damage me but then my mind would say only this once and then yea that's my mistake.

 

[tabby]

I'm also having this problem. What I do is i force myself then it becomes easier and easier as time goes on.
It's really difficult especially on Fridays for me because I live with people who drink and all my friends drink and the temptation is a lot sometimes. I know it will only damage me but then my mind would say only this once and then yea that's my mistake.

Do you enjoy any alcoholic-free drinks? You probably don't need my thoughts on that, but I use to like having an alcoholic-free cider or lemon-lime and bitters that was just the soda version at gatherings or parties since I could still enjoy my time without getting drunk. It helped subdue the temptation to want the alcoholic ones because I already had something to sip on anyway that tasted good.

Will power is an interesting thing. I've found if I've used up my will power for other things in the day by the end I lose the stamina to keep it up and become easily tempted to impulses. When I'm tired it's worse. Still working on balancing such things.

 

[tabby]

I believe this is the root of my terrible time-management skills, and prioritizing the wrong things in the moment based on nothing more than "I feel like doing this right now". Sometimes I forget to eat because I become too focused on or obsessed with other things, sometimes I don't sleep when I need to because I don't feel tired or I want to do other things.

I forgot to have breakfast the past two days because I was too preoccupied mentally with other things, and last night I stayed up so late that I had to nap for an hour just to have enough energy to do yoga before I could properly go to sleep. It's embarrassing, since I've set out since the start of this year to at least manage to be consistent with basic things like that; and yet it's still such a struggle.

While it's easy to simply do whatever I feel like in each moment, and I still get some things done that way, I've found that I'm way more productive and overall feel better when I actually try to plan my day. I used to think, "what's the point of planning, since I still have to do everything in the end?" But Fuchs recommended in another thread that I try writing a to-do list at the start of each day, and I noticed that simply by writing down what I want to do during the day (including things like eating meals), as well as when I should be done with those things, actually helps far more than I expected. I just get a feeling like "oh, I need to have this done soon", and feel an urge to stop whatever irrelevant things I'm doing and get started with the next item on my list.

I forgot to write a list yesterday and the day before, but I wrote one again today. Just by writing down my plans, I already feel motivated for today. Perhaps this will finally let me overcome my time-management problems; and even if it won't, at least it's progress, right?

When he asked me this, I felt a deep pull inside myself and I teared up. Why do I think of things as more important than me and my well-being? Why do I self-torment so much even after understanding very recently that the pain of it is only making me sick and not strong? I've heard people talk about self-importance before, usually as something negative but in this case, it has nothing to do with how important I feel regarding my standing in my environment and with others.

I struggled a lot with perfectionism in the past. I was afraid that if I let others down, I would lose my worth as a person. But doing well at things gave people high expectations of me, so I would try even harder in order to be able to live up to those expectations, which further raised people's expectations of me, and eventually I couldn't live up to it anymore, which made me feel worthless.

Something I realised over time is that negative feelings like that only needlessly dragged me down. As long as I feel like I'm doing well by my own standards, isn't that enough? Why should I have to raise the bar until I can't reach it anymore? If others want more from me than I'm willing to give them, then that's their problem, not mine. I started to think more about what I want to accomplish, for my own sake. What would I be satisfied with? What would I be proud to accomplish? As long as I'm doing that, isn't that already enough?

Rather than only thinking about your worth to other people, think about what you're worth to yourself. It seems you realised that too.

Even if sometimes you don't live up to your own expectations, that isn't something to torment yourself over either; it just means your expectations of yourself were unrealistic. So what should you do? Just try again. That's how you can make progress.

I never really thought that planning what you're going to eat during the day would be helpful but it sure saves a bit of time when it comes to eating hours. I've been doing the same for a while now regarding the to-do list, something my Demon suggested I do when I had a few things on my plate so I could make sure I was getting everything important done - and thank goodness for it too, I'm not great at remembering things throughout the day (yet). The HP's new meditation has been great for morning planning, I actually get excited now to start my day when I make a mental plan and visualize what I want to do. I've been falling asleep faster with the night part of it as well, and even when I have nightmares, my sleep quality has improved slightly from it.

I know what you mean. Eventually I learned that everyone around me has an "idea" of who I am, accurate or not, and most held unrealistic expectations of me based on their own desires and self-projections - and I guess that can't be helped. My achievements were always made to be for others, and inevitably I rebelled when I'd had enough. I began carving my own road and actively pushed against the crowd. People still think I'm crazy for it, but I've never been afraid to be different. I gave up satisfying stereotypes and the expectations of others because I only ended up depressed and isolated. I figure out how hard I can push and I decide each day "What's the limit for today? Can I push harder than my best? Or does my body need a little less strain today?" And when you're listening to the ebb and flows of yourself and your body, you'll know when you're ready to climb to the next level and set a new best.

It makes me think to your comment on the other thread where you mentioned how even though I'm female I still defend and protect my partner. Expectations of how a female should act doesn't matter to me, what matters is that those I love and care about are safe and happy and doing well in life because that's what is more important. Same as it is with advancement. Advancement is more important to me than taking the familiar comfortable route through life - yeah it's scary but I'm not alone, you know? I use to be really harsh on myself with perfectionism, I still am quite the perfectionist but I'm slowly learning how to direct it in a healthier way for things that require more attention to detail instead of letting it control me 24/7.

 

[One Wire Phenomenon]

I'm also having this problem. What I do is i force myself then it becomes easier and easier as time goes on.
It's really difficult especially on Fridays for me because I live with people who drink and all my friends drink and the temptation is a lot sometimes. I know it will only damage me but then my mind would say only this once and then yea that's my mistake.

Do you enjoy any alcoholic-free drinks? You probably don't need my thoughts on that, but I use to like having an alcoholic-free cider or lemon-lime and bitters that was just the soda version at gatherings or parties since I could still enjoy my time without getting drunk. It helped subdue the temptation to want the alcoholic ones because I already had something to sip on anyway that tasted good.

Will power is an interesting thing. I've found if I've used up my will power for other things in the day by the end I lose the stamina to keep it up and become easily tempted to impulses. When I'm tired it's worse. Still working on balancing such things.

No I don't enjoy alcoholic free drinks unfortunately.
Out of everything I enjoy is getting a bit drunk and then deep thinking about things. The people who I drink with are all boring and talk everyday stuff. The youngers ones do silly things and talk shit the whole time and I don't enjoy that at all.
I will just sit with them and ponder on things. I think I do it is because I don't like being alone. Everybody is exited about the weekends and where I come from they all go drink then.

I'm also working on that. But with my latest awakening I am much more strict on myself. What I saw made me realise that I will pay dearly if I continue the way I am. I need to meditate more..

 

[tabby]

Do you enjoy any alcoholic-free drinks? You probably don't need my thoughts on that, but I use to like having an alcoholic-free cider or lemon-lime and bitters that was just the soda version at gatherings or parties since I could still enjoy my time without getting drunk. It helped subdue the temptation to want the alcoholic ones because I already had something to sip on anyway that tasted good.

Will power is an interesting thing. I've found if I've used up my will power for other things in the day by the end I lose the stamina to keep it up and become easily tempted to impulses. When I'm tired it's worse. Still working on balancing such things.

No I don't enjoy alcoholic free drinks unfortunately.
Out of everything I enjoy is getting a bit drunk and then deep thinking about things. The people who I drink with are all boring and talk everyday stuff. The youngers ones do silly things and talk shit the whole time and I don't enjoy that at all.
I will just sit with them and ponder on things. I think I do it is because I don't like being alone. Everybody is exited about the weekends and where I come from they all go drink then.

I'm also working on that. But with my latest awakening I am much more strict on myself. What I saw made me realise that I will pay dearly if I continue the way I am. I need to meditate more..

Well all the best in this. I'm not sure what advice I could give then since I don't like being alone either. I mean you no doubt already know this but alcohol is a poison by definition so that's something to keep in mind.

Does meditation feel like a chore to you sometimes?

 

[tabby]

The way you put it makes me feel inspired to try to be a bit more perfectionistic again myself. I often fell into the trap of pushing myself too hard in an attempt to live up to the expectations of others, and wearing myself out because of it, and began to think of perfectionism as a bad thing due to that and tried to move away from it. But as long as I can realistically handle more without wearing myself out, why shouldn't I strive for a bit more? I just need to be realistic with my expectations of myself, and then it should be fine.

We are perfecting our bodies and souls after all, why not strive for it in other areas of life? It's just another balancing act - go too far and it can turn toxic, but too little and you won't end up unlocking your full potential and realize how far you can go.

I think you can do really well allowing yourself to reach your personal limits and just not worry what others unrealistically expect of you. From your story in the other comment, you weren't even thinking about pushing to be the best, were you? You were just passionate about what you did projects on and the results were high quality. Passion drives us to perfect the things we are passionate about, but the moment that passion turns into an obligation to appease others the quality sours because we exhausted ourselves and no longer have the same passion to keep it going.

Life is depressing when you're not able to be passionate about things.

That's how I feel as well nowadays. Expectations like that don't make that much sense anyway; in nature, mothers can be some of the most protective, aggressive and territorial individuals there are. People use all kinds of excuses about why men or women should be a certain way, but people simply are how they are no matter how you try to define them, and especially when people try to oversimplify things too much, there are bound to be misunderstandings. Defying expectations doesn't make someone any less of a man or a woman; as in any other case, it just means the expectations were wrong for the individual they were mistakenly applied to.

It makes me excited to see how things will be once society is healed from all its scars. To see people flourish without anything holding them back, and see how they choose to express themselves when they can finally shrug off the unrealistic nonsense.

I remember writing in a thread a while back that being able to walk this path and grow spiritually with someone love feels like the greatest blessing there is for me. And of course, there's Father Satan and my Guardian guiding me as well. We're far from alone.

Personally, I start to feel as though I skipped a meal and get feverish if I skip yoga, and skipping other meditations tends to have unpleasant effects too. I also start to feel a bit uneasy if I haven't improved in any noticeable way recently. So advancement also happens to be the comfortable route through life for me, even if it's "unusual".

haha I know what you mean, I get irritable and restless when I miss something. What I meant with the "comfortable route" is basically half-assing work and/or remaining ignorant. Missing a meditation feels like going hungry now.

 

[One Wire Phenomenon]

Do you enjoy any alcoholic-free drinks? You probably don't need my thoughts on that, but I use to like having an alcoholic-free cider or lemon-lime and bitters that was just the soda version at gatherings or parties since I could still enjoy my time without getting drunk. It helped subdue the temptation to want the alcoholic ones because I already had something to sip on anyway that tasted good.

Will power is an interesting thing. I've found if I've used up my will power for other things in the day by the end I lose the stamina to keep it up and become easily tempted to impulses. When I'm tired it's worse. Still working on balancing such things.

No I don't enjoy alcoholic free drinks unfortunately.
Out of everything I enjoy is getting a bit drunk and then deep thinking about things. The people who I drink with are all boring and talk everyday stuff. The youngers ones do silly things and talk shit the whole time and I don't enjoy that at all.
I will just sit with them and ponder on things. I think I do it is because I don't like being alone. Everybody is exited about the weekends and where I come from they all go drink then.

I'm also working on that. But with my latest awakening I am much more strict on myself. What I saw made me realise that I will pay dearly if I continue the way I am. I need to meditate more..

Well all the best in this. I'm not sure what advice I could give then since I don't like being alone either. I mean you no doubt already know this but alcohol is a poison by definition so that's something to keep in mind.

Does meditation feel like a chore to you sometimes?

Yes it does feel like a chore sometimes. When I was still young I was fighting to get some free time to meditate now it's like I have all the time in the world but I have little motivation. The only real motivation I have now is saving my soul from a entity it does not get any worse than that. I am battling to cope with it. It's like I have a normal human life on the one hand that leads to nothing but it's a easy life then I have my SS life on the other that leads to true freedom and happiness but it's the most difficult and painful path to walk.
When I came back here last year I was almost a completely lost person but it got a lot better because I was trying.I have a job now,a place to live my life has stabilized a lot and my overall mental health is better. So I am doing alright and it will get better and better as long as I keep up fighting to better myself.Progess is there but it's slow. I choose it that way.

 

[Sketches]

...

I struggled a lot with perfectionism in the past. I was afraid that if I let others down, I would lose my worth as a person. But doing well at things gave people high expectations of me, so I would try even harder in order to be able to live up to those expectations, which further raised people's expectations of me, and eventually I couldn't live up to it anymore, which made me feel worthless.

Since my reply from the other thread is similar to the topic in question, I'll also link my experience regarding hyper-focusing on meditations more than my personal life and hobbies, and how the enemies of Satan used it against me.

Everyone has different fortes and impotence, both concerning their meditation routine, and their physical lifestyle.

I found out that I can be grounded if I could just lessen the repetitions of my meditations in order to have more time for my personal hobbies and the physical. Because my mind can't find any problems that happened today (such as lack of doing anything personal for the self) , I became much more happier overall


There's also the fact that the most ridiculous thing I've heard from the enemy from their constant harassment in my personal life, is that "I'm not really depressed [about the lack of personal life in my path to Satan's cause] , this is just the enemies controlling my emotions."


We are humans who need constant attention not only for others, but for ourselves. Empathetic people like us can have a hard time thinking this way, especially knowing the history of the Satanic Gods and our people. So try to fulfill this "need" of helping people in our own way. I'm usually fine just replying to people here in the forums, it's enough for me to have helped someone out here. I don't know if others want something more, but either way, that's reality. We can't help or save everyone who don't even lift their asses up, but readily give someone the chance to do it for them.


Anyways, as I thought of the above monologue in my head for a few seconds, I just gave the enemy a deadpan expression as I silently blocked their voices away from the hundredth time

*facepalm*

 

[darkmonkey666]

I'm also having this problem. What I do is i force myself then it becomes easier and easier as time goes on.
It's really difficult especially on Fridays for me because I live with people who drink and all my friends drink and the temptation is a lot sometimes. I know it will only damage me but then my mind would say only this once and then yea that's my mistake.

Do you enjoy any alcoholic-free drinks? You probably don't need my thoughts on that, but I use to like having an alcoholic-free cider or lemon-lime and bitters that was just the soda version at gatherings or parties since I could still enjoy my time without getting drunk. It helped subdue the temptation to want the alcoholic ones because I already had something to sip on anyway that tasted good.

Will power is an interesting thing. I've found if I've used up my will power for other things in the day by the end I lose the stamina to keep it up and become easily tempted to impulses. When I'm tired it's worse. Still working on balancing such things.

No I don't enjoy alcoholic free drinks unfortunately.
Out of everything I enjoy is getting a bit drunk and then deep thinking about things. The people who I drink with are all boring and talk everyday stuff. The youngers ones do silly things and talk shit the whole time and I don't enjoy that at all.
I will just sit with them and ponder on things. I think I do it is because I don't like being alone. Everybody is exited about the weekends and where I come from they all go drink then.

I'm also working on that. But with my latest awakening I am much more strict on myself. What I saw made me realise that I will pay dearly if I continue the way I am. I need to meditate more..

This isn't as hard to heal from or even permanently damaging as you might think it is. Simply stop. Do a lot of cleansing. Your soul will start to repair and get stronger about 2 or 3 weeks after you stop for good provided you are meditating. You will feel so much better you won't want it. If you raise your vibration you will not be able to drink the thought of it will make you go eew and you will have to force yourself too and stop after about half a beer or something and say fuck this. Alcohol is a very low vibration and a lot of dark energy it is said to be connected to the algol star. I kind of doubt the ancients used this the way we do at least unlike what is said to be common knowledge.

 

[Blitzkreig [JG]]

Will power is an interesting thing. I've found if I've used up my will power for other things in the day by the end I lose the stamina to keep it up and become easily tempted to impulses. When I'm tired it's worse. Still working on balancing such things.

Will power is a combination of both earth and fire. Fire to create it, the raw motive energy. Earth to maintain and protect it. This is what you can see in Sowilo and Nauthiz, respectively, as well as Uruz which is a combination of both.

Being a perfectionist can result in you overexerting yourself on matters in a fashion that is not conducive for your daily routine or larger schedule. This is something I went through and made some progress with.

Of course, you will need to do workings to correct this, which will be a combo of adding the elemental characteristics you are missing, as well as removing the negative karma or thought patterns that lead to inefficient uses of time. As far as karma goes, what I found for myself, and what may be your case as well, is that there was prior trauma that resulted in perfectionist overcompensation in another area.

What you should do in the short term is breath in 5 or 10 breaths of the missing element and affirm it is helping you. This is a bandaid that you can use multiple times per day while you wait for a larger working. For example: "This energy of earth has given me the discipline for my spiritual work, in a positive manner for me", which is more focused than merely filling up an imbalance and leaving it.

This is a temporary solution and will wane over a period of time, of course. However, once you work for a certain period, then you can take a break, rest your mind, and also recharge this bandaid solution.

I struggled a lot with perfectionism in the past. I was afraid that if I let others down, I would lose my worth as a person. But doing well at things gave people high expectations of me, so I would try even harder in order to be able to live up to those expectations, which further raised people's expectations of me, and eventually I couldn't live up to it anymore, which made me feel worthless.

Even if sometimes you don't live up to your own expectations, that isn't something to torment yourself over either; it just means your expectations of yourself were unrealistic. So what should you do? Just try again. That's how you can make progress.

I felt the same way. Maybe what I said to Tabby may be of some use to you. As far as what you said earlier about "why not" pursuing perfectionism: It is not that the type of behavior you describe, whether from perhaps Virgo or Scorpio, is not useful in its own right, but rather it has to be balanced to be effective.

You need sufficient fire to power the otherwise draining exertion of perfectionism, and you need the earth to ground the obsessions into positive avenues. The other elements of course factor in.

The point then, is that you can make yourself more perfect every day, but you have to be patient and strategic with your workings to build yourself up more and more.

 

[Sketches]

...

I was heavily attacked and influenced by enemies shortly before joining the forums. So if my senses and intuition can be manipulated, then how do I know who to trust? When I opened up to Satan about those worries, something along the following lines came to mind:

"If you don't even do what you personally think is best, then what are your chances of actually doing what's best? Don't do something you genuinely believe is wrong, just because you're convinced that someone you look up to thinks you should, even if you believe that someone to be a God or a Goddess. If you really need to understand something, then we'll make you understand for yourself."

You made the right move to go to the forums. That was my first instinct once I realized that the enemy would hijack my communication with the Gods due to the deep astral connection. It was out of caution by the way, I had to find other methods to receive guidance, hence why I kept this account instead.

Despite this, I still contacted Father Satan one night, where I was happily humming in my mind on the music I was listening to, while my hand was sketching an art I have ignored due to the meditation schedule I gave to myself. This was the day I convinced myself to lessen my meditations for a few days to see if this is the right thing to do. I was experimenting at this time.


When I got ready on my bed, I remembered Lydia's way of contacting the Gods and tried it for myself.


I asked Father Satan one question.


'What do you think of my meditation routine from the past couple of days?'


Not one minute in, he replied:


'Well I can say you're definitely happier.'


His voice was clear and loud, and I was surprised at that. So I took that to heart, but not to memory. Because I only remembered this now once I finally took a bit of a break on increasing the reps on the same meditations.

It honestly sucked not empowering the other stuff, like my chakras. I definitely saw the difference as to what I'm missing out. I'm honestly nervous about doing other meditations I have never tried before, like the Sun Squares, since it would be my first time :shock:

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with your situation. It sounds like you've made a lot of progress already; good work.

For now, we'll see. I'll probably make a topic once I feel that I need to ask for advice, this is my first time interacting with the forums with an account

 

[Monarch]

Beautiful post man Helped me realize some things. Thank you.

 

[tabby]

....

Thank you Blitz, I'll give your advice a shot. Earth and fire are definitely energies I feel imbalanced in. The earth element was something my Demon talked with me about not that long ago to aid in grounding my chaotic mind.