I'm conflicted! a story of reflection and regret

[kennybruneel]

one of the thing that Satanism teaches is that Satanists don't take abuse! with this in mind I have performed a number of rituals and spells to ensure my own personal endeavours. and nothing is wrong with that! I have a "law" which states that a person connot help another person untill he/ she helps him/ herself. Ok , here I go : A few years back I was part of a non prfit group. it was actually a bar but they are non profit because they want to do something for the young people in my town. btw the drinking age here in belgium is 16. anyway I joined the organisation when I was 16 and I got an offer to be the "accountant" for it all. accountant is a big word for such a small group but that's what it was. so anyway when I agreed to be the,'accountant' I 18 and for me this was a big thing. I was never really popular anywhere and this was my lucky break. the agreement was that I stay accountant for 1 year at a time. long story turned short , I had no experience with this and so I mismanaged the whole thing , believing there was enough money to pay everything! I was young and cocky and so I thought I had eveything under control. but this was far from the truth. I was ridiculed for my own incompentence and failure. I felt bad but their comment were true. I failed them as an accountant. ever since I have felty guilty and ashamed. this was almost 4 years ago. and to this day I am still looked upon as a traitor eventhoug I did not intentionally mean for all this to happen. I have lost most of my friends because of it. I have realy considdered suicide. but then I think about it and realise that suicide is just cowardly! Satan tells us to create and destroy as we please! and I agree but I feel so lost and confused now! should I use my knowledge of magick to alter the situation? because I know there are a lot of ways I can do this! I could go to my astral temple and 'make' them do as I want by influencing their soul but I feel as if the outcome would be false. do I want my friends to be happy? the same friends who mocked me and laughed at me? or do I want to make them my friends agian? I'm 21 years old and I am A satanist! and for some reason , I am lost! FYI this is the first time I have ever been this honest to anyone! so thank you for listening to me.