I hate being sober so much, I am tired of being strangled by fear, self-hatred, and despair. My life is still incomprehensibly FUBAR. I continue to meditate twice a day, but it feels like each session is a reminder of my spiritual failings.
I could maybe push through the suffering if I knew that the Gods liked me, or that I had some spiritual purpose, but I just don't know. I am more depressed and hopeless than I have ever been in my life. I hate myself for being so worthless and stupid, but it seems like every effort to better myself makes me feel worse. When I was on drugs I could at least briefly forget about my problems and have some fun, now I'm constantly reminded of my own ugliness and that of the world. I have no life goals, not sure what I'm supposed to do with my life. Im not good at anything and even if i tried to be a force for good, im not skilled or smart or ethical enough. Even in the past when I was somewhat useful and donated a lot (it feels like a lifetime ago), I still was unsure about who I am and who I'm supposed to be.