BrightSpace666 said:
The moment has come when I don't know what to do. Things like self-acceptance and self-awareness, which I have recommended to my Mates in my posts, are about accepting ourselves as we are. But I can't do that for myself......
I have been working hard every day for the past few days to accept and recognize myself. Well, the self-awareness is pretty much complete, but that's not my problem, my problem is that I can't accept myself as I am. The Gods try to help and guide me and when I get the answers then all is well and things constructively change their meaning, but after a while thoughts like "I'm a bad person" and so on keep coming.
I get fed up with that. I don't really want to accept myself because what I am is not what I don't like. I feel like I don't want to do anything and thoughts that suggest I have no business being here if this is who I am. I'm going crazy.
I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way. You seem like such a kind and caring, deeply introspective person, based on your posts.
I've also struggled heavily with self-acceptance in the past. Although it was my husband's words that acted as a catalyst to shatter and put an end to that, what set the groundwork for me to let go of those negative feelings was my realisation that the reason I believed myself to be wrong, was that I believed the world to be wrong; unfairly so.
Since I was a child, whenever I saw anything or anyone, I immediately thought of every way that people might criticise it, but never mentioned any of it. Flaws were something I assessed subconsciously so that I could analyse ahead of time how to improve my surroundings and solve problems that might occur. However, I didn't judge anyone for it.
When it came to myself, I similarly thought of every way in which others might criticise me; but instead of doing it without judgement, I became terrified of anyone else seeing those imagined "flaws". I was so scared of being hated for all the things I made up in my mind, regardless of whether it was even an issue or whether or not I could help it, that I began to hate myself in others' stead pre-emptively.
One day, while meditating, I had a revelation: isn't it incredibly arrogant for me to assume things to be wrong, just because they could be more suited to humans if they were different? For example, yes, the Sun may burn out someday, but how exactly is that
wrong?
In fact, isn't it incredibly entitled for me to expect it to keep going forever, even after how much it has already given us?
So I decided to start from the premise that things are the way they're supposed to be. I then understood that the "flaws" I saw, were simply things that could be improved on for the sake of other people, and have nothing to do with "right" or "wrong".
With that in mind, I'd like you to consider a possibility: perhaps you are the way you're supposed to be. Every part of you, your body, your mind, and your feelings, none of it is wrong, because that's just how you are, and that's okay. If you want to improve on certain things, that's fine, of course. But don't change because you hate yourself. Change because you want to!
Something else I realised is that when it comes to truly doing the right (positive) thing, one can't afford to let oneself be deceived or distracted by negativity from others. Because I'm sure that if you just listen to yourself deep down and don't worry about what others might think, you know what is really right for yourself better than anyone else.
As a logical-minded person, I struggled to come to terms with the fact that not everything has to make sense. Sometimes, things just are the way they are, no matter how I complain. So don't be so hard on yourself. I've always appreciated your presence here.
So, please treat yourself well, and with the kindness you show to others. You deserve it. Wouldn't your Guardian tell you the same?