Healing and Negative Emotions.

[magus.immortalis]

I am going through the process of healing right now. It is difficult, to say the least.

I am going through the 9th year of an active kundalini awakening process, since I became a spiritual Satanist.
I think and feel strongly that this has something to do with it. The healing process is really intense now because there are some factors that came into play that would make this a good time for me to heal, from past life and present life issues.

Before, I just wasn't ready. I guess Satan thinks I am now.

To put it bluntly, to borrow from a meme I saw on social media, I am bleeding over everyone who didn't cut me.

And to those infiltrators and other enemies of Satan who think this is a good time to come at me, I can guarantee you your asses will be handed to you on a silver platter if you try anything stupid.

I find myself hardening my heart and putting up mental and emotional walls to everyone who tries to help me. Who love me and want only the best for me.

I am sensitive enough that I can feel these "walls" pop up like weeds with the density and height of castle walls and towers. It's not my imagination. It's been commented on a few times, actually.

They tell me I am hurting, that's why I say and do hurtful things. They understand, and want to help but I feel like I am emotionally pushing them away and distancing myself from their hurt feelings (because of me). I feel like I am getting colder and harder by the day. Sometimes I cry and express myself. I feel like I am repressing emotions and what I want to say in my heart.

I have an issue with trusting others. That's a big one.

Also, just mundane shit in general. Along with psychic harassment. They are ongoing commentary throughout the day except when I am sleeping or showering, for the most part, and that take low blows at me but I just accept that it's psychic harassment. I ignore it mostly but sometimes it slips through. It chips at me but I suck it up and carry on.

And yes, my mind is in void most of the time. I clean my soul at least twice daily. More if needed.

I was just wondering what suggestions you have that would help me along to heal.

Most importantly, how I can stop putting up walls towards those who love me and want to help. I have very strong resistance to taking down these walls.

I feel the hurt and pain sometimes. I understand and have been told that the wound needs to be cleaned thoroughly before it can heal. I don't know how long that will be, though. Years I think.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Shael]

Most importantly, how I can stop putting up walls towards those who love me and want to help. I have very strong resistance to taking down these walls.

As someone who had something similar to this - for me these walls appeared because of two things. A lack of knowledge, and fear.
If you do not understand why they want to help you and what their innermost intentions are, chances are you will become afraid. This is especially true when you have a lot of traumas in those areas, which you said you do indeed have. For me those issues were rooted in my Sacral chakra. If you figure out where yours are most centered (usually this is indicated by an unpleasant feeling in that area, like a cold constricting one), then you can start focusing on that area specifically with a working to deep-clean these issues. I used Visuddhi there.
Good luck

 

[Lunar Dance 666]

It is fine to not tell everything to everyone. And sometimes you just simply don't have anything else to say.

I decided to work more on freeing some chakra's.. I wonder if it'd increase flexibility too in that area.. and I think so far.. that one of the things that seem to be near total absence of something whilst chart says otherwise.. may be a result from a blockage.

Kind of interesting to see this topic pop up now. Just saying.

 

[magus.immortalis]

Most importantly, how I can stop putting up walls towards those who love me and want to help. I have very strong resistance to taking down these walls.

As someone who had something similar to this - for me these walls appeared because of two things. A lack of knowledge, and fear.
If you do not understand why they want to help you and what their innermost intentions are, chances are you will become afraid. This is especially true when you have a lot of traumas in those areas, which you said you do indeed have. For me those issues were rooted in my Sacral chakra. If you figure out where yours are most centered (usually this is indicated by an unpleasant feeling in that area, like a cold constricting one), then you can start focusing on that area specifically with a working to deep-clean these issues. I used Visuddhi there.
Good luck

That's it exactly: a lack of knowledge and fear. There are a lot of hang-ups I have, but since I wrote the original post, I have been doing a bit better with trusting others who want to help me. I learned that it cannot be forced, only nurtured (trust-building, that is) and it takes years to build. And moments to fall apart like a house of cards.

I guess I just don't want to be disappointed and hurt, yet again, and I put up the walls to protect myself.

Thanks for your reply.