grandfitzpoobah666 said:
Alt123 said:
xxy must be strange, if i may ask are you an only child? also your mothers first by chance.
in any case, whats your body like? you say you look like a woman, but you only have female genitals astrally
what are your interests, do you like to compete, do you like art. if you genuinely have no creative outlets then thats fine too, the vast majority of people, women in particular have none.
so basically youre very cute and feminine and when you see yourself in your minds eye you see a girl?
based on what you wrote you sound like you are feeling optimistic, but you dont seem happy or at peace.
if youre okay sharing, how old are you, and whats your best mediation. i have some tips that ive used to become athletic with great success, i would get many compliments from strangers and even old friends who cast me out, if thats something youre looking for. id like to know why youre comparing yourself to studies about others, or thinking youre not mentally okay.
ignore the dummies and please tell me what hardships youre facing currently.
I want to answer all of your questions properly and in full, so my reply might get a bit long. Just so you know in advance.
I have an older brother, so I'm my mother's second. Klinefelter/XXY usually doesn't have many symptoms before puberty, although in my case I did have some motor coordination problems when I was 4 years old which I was able to overcome with the help of a physiotherapist, and a slight abnormality on my genitals since birth although it's completely harmless and didn't require any surgery (there are two lines on the bottom side forming a pattern that somewhat resembles a yoni, and the skin in-between is a bit different).
Most boys with Klinefelter syndrome find out they have it during puberty, because they see a doctor after developing breast buds and not developing more masculine features. They tend to compare themselves to other boys and feel insecure about their body, and are usually prescribed testosterone so that they can look more masculine. Meanwhile, I was feeling insecure because my breasts weren't growing as much as the other girls, and by the time I went to see a doctor, I was asking for puberty blockers and estrogen. It took a few years before I was allowed to use them due to the protocol for it being so complicated where I live, but fortunately (most likely due to my condition) my body didn't become much more masculine during that time, even though I was 17 years old already.
Interestingly, when the doctor examined me, he did mention to my mom that I had symptoms of Klinefelter and suggested to test for it, giving my unusually long arms as an example. My mom said it was probably just a coincidence since she has long arms too, and I misunderstood the conversation and said I like having long arms because I can reach quite far. The doctor was just like "whatever" and dropped the topic. That's why I only recently became aware that I have the condition by coincidence.
As for my body, I'm rather tall, but also have a very slender frame (my shoulders are less wide than my mother's) and relatively wide hips, as well as a feminine face. Even when I was still attending school as a boy and before starting any treatment, other kids often assumed I wore makeup and teased me for it, even though that's just how I looked naturally. Although they didn't seem to believe me when I said I wasn't wearing any, I figured I might as well just take it as a compliment.
My voice did become deeper during puberty, which I was sad about since I wanted to be an opera singer. In fact, I was so sad about it that I couldn't accept it, and practiced so much that my vocal range is about 4 octaves now, and the range is still gradually increasing to this day, with me being able to reach higher pitches and have more control over my voice each year. As such, I'm still holding out hope that I'll be able to sing freely someday if I keep practicing. And thanks to how flexible my voice is now, I'm able to sound like a normal woman without even trying anymore. According to my partner I sound very cute, which helps my self-esteem.
As for hormone replacement therapy, I'm very happy with the changes it caused to my body, especially how much it made my breasts grow. I'm very happy about their size now, and it's fun to use them to entice my partner. Other than that, the hormones make me feel different somehow; like they have a slight soothing effect, whereas testosterone felt very wrong to me. I used to think that was just in my head, but another member on these forums who was diagnosed with PCOS also mentioned that when her body was producing testosterone, it felt like she wasn't herself, and that taking a low dose of birth control (estrogen + progestin, which also blocks the testosterone production) fixed that; besides fixing many other problems, she also just
felt different. You mentioned you feel better since starting hormone therapy as well, so I'm starting to think that there's a pattern and that it's not just a placebo effect after all.
Now that I'm done with the topic of what my body is like, I'll move on to your other questions.
In regards to creative outlets, besides singing I also enjoy composing instrumental music (usually piano) and sometimes I draw, but I don't do it often enough to be really good at it. I also enjoy writing fanfiction or poems sometimes.
Besides creative outlets, my interests include playing video games, reading manga and mathematics. My interest in mathematics also led to an interest in programming, as it allowed me to run simulations to understand mathematical problems better. I think it might be fun to try developing a game again sometime (I added some gameplay to a simulation before when I was 13 years old and it got really popular), but I find it a bit difficult to stick to a big project for long enough to finish it.
Besides what I see in my mind's eye, I've also always had a feeling of being a girl/woman that I couldn't explain properly. Something like what sex you are isn't an emotion, so "a feeling" is a rather confusing way to put it. However, I've since figured out what it really means and where it comes from for me.
People are always aware of their body, even their internal organs to an extent. If any part of their body, even internally, is inflamed or otherwise unhealthy, people will generally be able to feel that. A person's genitals are also a part of their awareness.
In my case, I've always been simultaneously aware of two bodies: my physical body, and another which is fully female. That has been the case for as long as I remember, and seems to be the cause of my sexual confusion.
The above also ties into my sexuality. Physically, I've tried anything I could think of in order to find sexual satisfaction, but I found none. No matter what I tried, it always felt like something was missing. I knew what was missing: I wanted to have vaginal sex and be on the receiving end of it. I hoped that maybe if I got surgery then I would be able to enjoy sex after that, but with the results being so mixed, I wasn't completely sure about it since it could be disappointing and painful. I also wondered if I was perverted for wanting something like that in the first place, as I couldn't make any sense of it when the only body I could clearly see at the time was male down there.
When I found the JoS and started meditating and dedicated, I was quick to overcome most of my trauma related to my sex from this lifetime, causing me to feel much better about my body and curing the social anxiety that I struggled with for a long time. But my sexuality still remained the same, and I didn't understand why, because I had assumed that the reason I wasn't able to enjoy sexual things was because I felt ashamed of my body. But even with the shame gone, nothing had changed, and I still wanted the same thing.
Feeling confused about it, I tried asking my Guardian Demoness (who often visited me to help me along when I was new to this path) why my sexuality is the way it is, and entered a trance awaiting Her explanation. I felt Her moving closer to me, and then She touched me (not in a lewd way, but more to prove a point), inserting Her finger briefly before moving away again. I felt it so incredibly vividly, as though it was real, even though it involved body parts I don't physically have. Putting my flustered feelings aside, I understood in that moment what my astral body was like. And since it felt nice even though it was so brief, I became curious about having sex astrally.
About 9 months later, I had learned how to do it with my partner. Even though I had sex in such a plain manner, it was the first thing to ever satisfy me, and as I got more used to it, it started to feel mind-blowingly amazing. I'd say it has been a healing experience for me, as it has helped me overcome many of my insecurities, and even just the pleasure is so much that it makes the horrible memories that gnaw at my sanity sometimes feel irrelevant. However, it has also made me more in tune with my astral body, which has caused a problem. The astral and physical are supposed to reflect each other, and especially when it comes to a person's body, they are deeply connected. As I've become more in tune with my astral body, my physical genitals have started to feel like they're inside out, and it feels extremely jarring. It used to feel hollow (like it wasn't really there) so it was easy to ignore, but now it's actively uncomfortable.
At times I feel like I might lose my mind because of how wrong it feels, although having astral sex regularly helps a bit to distract me from it. The sexual satisfaction made me think at first that I was fine with my body staying the way it is, but I realise by now just how important it is that I'm physically female, even down there. I just want that part of my body to feel right, or at least not so wrong...
I've decided that I'll have surgery. At worst it replaces one source of intense discomfort with another, and at best it liberates my sexuality and makes me feel more comfortable in my body. I've also used divination as well as some actual research to look into the outcomes and appears to be clearly in my favour. Besides that I've experimented with biokinesis, and based on the results at the time (although I had to undo them because the shape needs to be different first or it'll cause problems) I'm confident that I'll be able to further improve the results after the surgery. It would put many usable tissues in places that are suitable for my purposes.
There are two reasons as to why I sound like I'm not happy. One is the discomfort caused by what I mentioned above. The other is trauma from past lives. Since I was little, I've been prone to sudden bouts of gloominess, that I used to not understand. But now that I'm more spiritually open, I'm starting to remember things. Horrible things... Do you know what xian communities and the church did to homosexual boys/men back in the day? That's only the start of it. I'm not good at repressing things, so I couldn't hide or avoid anything at all. And besides that, there were other things too...
It's probably pathetic to cry over things that didn't even happen in this life, but I can't help it. And when I think back to it, I think that I became like this astrally because I wanted to run away from being male. I wanted to be protected like women and girls usually are.
Changing to the extent I have and living as a woman, as well as having such a loving and reliable partner, has given me immense relief from those things. But sometimes I ask myself if it's really okay for me to run away like that, going as far as to change my being even at my very core. The happiness my transformation has given me, is that what I should believe in? Or are the sorrows of my past something I should've faced head-on by attempting to live as a man again now that this world has slightly improved?
I've thought about it. And I realised that even with how this world has changed, I would still be happier if I was completely female, even physically. Some people say that you shouldn't dwell on things that aren't possible. But they're wrong that it isn't possible. Even now, I've already changed so much, and I know that I will still change more. Sometimes rapidly, sometimes gradually, based on whatever methods are available to me at the time. Nobody else can decide for me what I want or what I should be satisfied with, or what my limits are. We live in a world where things that used to be impossible are constantly becoming possible, because that's just how creative and ingenious we humans are. Every year, something happens for the first time ever at our hands. If no one else does it before me, then I will, if that's what it takes for me to be satisfied. That's what I've decided on.
I'll be in my mid-twenties soon. As for meditation, I think I do fairly normal stuff for the most part, but I like to use the rune Bjarkan. Besides being useful for protection, it also helped to solve some energetic problems caused by the mismatch between my bodies, which used to drain my energy. Vibrating Bjarkan a decent amount of times every day seems to prevent that somehow.
Feel free to share your tips for becoming athletic, I've been thinking about exercising more lately but I'm not sure where to start.
I compared myself to studies about others so people don't misunderstand and think my feelings are just coming from my intersex condition; I think it goes much deeper than that and I wanted to convey that.
As for why I think I'm not completely mentally okay, it's because I still have so much trauma to heal from. I get symptoms of PTSD sometimes, and it startles my partner and my family. I always try to be calm and reasonable, so when I suddenly start shaking and crying because something minor caused me to have a flashback, I feel bad for making the people around me worry and feel embarrassed for not being in control of my emotions. But I always try to remind myself that those things are in the past, and that I'm free to live a happy life now; that I won't be abandoned, and that no one is going to kill me either. My partner helps to remind me of that too. I'm truly blessed to have such kind people around me.
Lastly, I don't think people like Aquarius are dummies. He's just trying to understand these things from his perspective and express his thoughts and feelings on the topic. He may not understand how you feel or what you've been through, but I think he's trying to protect you from potentially making a mistake. Sometimes people go into this kind of thing with the wrong expectations, and make impulsive decisions that they end up sorely regretting. A lot of the time, reasons people do this kind of thing may not actually a problem with whether they're masculine or feminine, but other problems that they simply blamed on their sex. Many problems like that can be overcome through meditation and yoga and self-improvement in general, and that's why a lot of people frown on relying on medical intervention, because they mentally equate it to someone taking anti-depressants for the rest of their life to cope with depression instead of actually getting to the root of the problem, and consider you mentally weak for it.
When it comes down to it, it's either a matter of you not understanding your own situation well, or a matter of others not understanding your situation well. I think it's often a bit of both, because issues like that are often very complex and have more than just one cause. I've been thinking recently: if even I still can't fully understand why I'm the way I am even after thinking about it for so long and looking so deep inside my past, then how could I possibly explain it to someone else? Although I feel like I've gotten closer to the truth, I know that there's still information I'm missing. And without that information, everyone is just guessing that things are one way or the other, when it's really different for everyone.
In the end, the best you can do is to search yourself and consider everything carefully, then make your best judgement on what to do. There are no cookie cutter answers here, so just do what you think is right and act with care. I hope it goes well for you.
If you read it all, then I hope it was interesting. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask and I'll try to answer them.
