Mercuur
New member
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2025
- Messages
- 8
Hello friends. You can read this or just skip it, but I simply wanted to leave this message, as if I were talking to someone. The thing is, most of the time I feel anxiety for various reasons. Maybe because autumn has come, this anxiety has become more noticeable. I understand that I am walking as if not on my own path, that what I do doesn’t bring me joy, and for the things I love or feel I ought to do, there is usually no time or energy left.
I work a classic 5/2 job. Of course, I don’t like my function in it, like a robot. I believe that this kind of activity doesn’t allow a person to develop creatively, and the mind gradually degrades if it isn’t engaged. But for now I don’t have other options except saving money and investing in knowledge.
At the same time, of course, meditation—I believe this is the foundation, though I am ashamed to admit that even here I sin in regularity and hardly feel any progress. I have a whole range of other interests that I consider useful and necessary for myself. These are regular and meaningful reading in different languages (my native and others I need), sports for strengthening strength and health, as well as masculinity and will, which for me is the most important thing, because at certain moments I feel fear or anxiety, like right now. And this fear seems to sit like a black lump in my heart since childhood. I see it in my nature, and I think others may feel it too. I don’t know what it’s connected with, but I can guess.
And apart from this and everything else—apart from being lost in life and not understanding my purpose, apart from all the inner struggle—I also seem to feel a burden of responsibility on my shoulders for everything that’s happening. For my current position, for building a better future, for solving different kinds of problems, some of which are quite difficult. And it seems like I’m doing something, but as if I’m standing still, while time goes on. And it goes very fast. I’m afraid one day to wake up and realize that I’m already old, and my youth is gone. This makes me worry even more and lose my strength and energy. To want something, to chase something—yet whether you even need it or not is unclear.
I have a dream, and I don’t really like to talk about it, because people often just brush it off as a trifle, or even worse, judge it, calling it ridiculous. It is connected with a complete transformation—external and internal. It is a path to give up unnecessary things, material desires, and to go on a journey in search of myself. To live alone with nature, practicing meditation and yoga, only occasionally going out into society. To clear my head and my soul. As I’ve noticed, alone and away from people I feel more comfortable, calmer, and more receptive to the spiritual. I believe this visible and invisible noise dulls the sense of perception, and constant running around like a hamster on a wheel simply drains all the energy.
And what can a person who is always tired do? Nothing. They will hardly have the strength to achieve something great, to reach their goals. I understand that the desire to escape from this cage is always a risk, but I believe in the strength of a person and in the strength of the Gods. This path also requires faith and courage. Even in the case of reincarnation, isn’t it foolish to treat this life carelessly and choose the easiest path, betraying your inner striving toward something higher? Isn’t this the call of the soul, to which a person must respond? And if a person constantly chooses to ignore the voice of the Soul, where will that lead?
You know, I don’t fully understand myself where the voice of the Soul or the Gods is. About any matter, I always ask myself: “What if it’s not what I think?” So yes, there’s a lot in my head, many worries, and each could be dissected for a long time, but that’s not the point. I just want to finally figure out how to live, not to let myself and the Gods down, to live with dignity and bring some benefit to society.
Such negative moods in me are sometimes replaced for a short moment by positive ones—by a feeling that everything will be fine one way or another, especially when I write about it, like now. I just need to keep moving, or take a break from my thoughts, do something pleasant, ground myself.
I think for me and for many, it’s worth living this autumn slowly—drinking hot drinks, admiring beautiful views, treating yourself to something, or going somewhere for a little while, to another city or country. Personally, that inspires me incredibly. Maybe try some Ayurvedic autumn advice for my constitution (dosha), buy a new book. Right now I’m reading Nikola Tesla’s The Power of the World and I want to make a pilgrimage to his homeland, where he was born and lived.
I work a classic 5/2 job. Of course, I don’t like my function in it, like a robot. I believe that this kind of activity doesn’t allow a person to develop creatively, and the mind gradually degrades if it isn’t engaged. But for now I don’t have other options except saving money and investing in knowledge.
At the same time, of course, meditation—I believe this is the foundation, though I am ashamed to admit that even here I sin in regularity and hardly feel any progress. I have a whole range of other interests that I consider useful and necessary for myself. These are regular and meaningful reading in different languages (my native and others I need), sports for strengthening strength and health, as well as masculinity and will, which for me is the most important thing, because at certain moments I feel fear or anxiety, like right now. And this fear seems to sit like a black lump in my heart since childhood. I see it in my nature, and I think others may feel it too. I don’t know what it’s connected with, but I can guess.
And apart from this and everything else—apart from being lost in life and not understanding my purpose, apart from all the inner struggle—I also seem to feel a burden of responsibility on my shoulders for everything that’s happening. For my current position, for building a better future, for solving different kinds of problems, some of which are quite difficult. And it seems like I’m doing something, but as if I’m standing still, while time goes on. And it goes very fast. I’m afraid one day to wake up and realize that I’m already old, and my youth is gone. This makes me worry even more and lose my strength and energy. To want something, to chase something—yet whether you even need it or not is unclear.
I have a dream, and I don’t really like to talk about it, because people often just brush it off as a trifle, or even worse, judge it, calling it ridiculous. It is connected with a complete transformation—external and internal. It is a path to give up unnecessary things, material desires, and to go on a journey in search of myself. To live alone with nature, practicing meditation and yoga, only occasionally going out into society. To clear my head and my soul. As I’ve noticed, alone and away from people I feel more comfortable, calmer, and more receptive to the spiritual. I believe this visible and invisible noise dulls the sense of perception, and constant running around like a hamster on a wheel simply drains all the energy.
And what can a person who is always tired do? Nothing. They will hardly have the strength to achieve something great, to reach their goals. I understand that the desire to escape from this cage is always a risk, but I believe in the strength of a person and in the strength of the Gods. This path also requires faith and courage. Even in the case of reincarnation, isn’t it foolish to treat this life carelessly and choose the easiest path, betraying your inner striving toward something higher? Isn’t this the call of the soul, to which a person must respond? And if a person constantly chooses to ignore the voice of the Soul, where will that lead?
You know, I don’t fully understand myself where the voice of the Soul or the Gods is. About any matter, I always ask myself: “What if it’s not what I think?” So yes, there’s a lot in my head, many worries, and each could be dissected for a long time, but that’s not the point. I just want to finally figure out how to live, not to let myself and the Gods down, to live with dignity and bring some benefit to society.
Such negative moods in me are sometimes replaced for a short moment by positive ones—by a feeling that everything will be fine one way or another, especially when I write about it, like now. I just need to keep moving, or take a break from my thoughts, do something pleasant, ground myself.
I think for me and for many, it’s worth living this autumn slowly—drinking hot drinks, admiring beautiful views, treating yourself to something, or going somewhere for a little while, to another city or country. Personally, that inspires me incredibly. Maybe try some Ayurvedic autumn advice for my constitution (dosha), buy a new book. Right now I’m reading Nikola Tesla’s The Power of the World and I want to make a pilgrimage to his homeland, where he was born and lived.
