Why do I feed off of negativity?

[ashleyslade0124]

Okay so I know some of you will see the title and think ''oh gothic teenage edgelord playing at being evil'', that would probably be my initial reaction to a title like the above as well but I promise that's not what I am about, at least not what I want to be about anymore, although I did go through that phase as a kid and part of it seems to have attached itself to me at a very deep level.

I came to a realization whilst in meditation, contemplating why I am stuck in certain situations and what it is about me that won't let me escape it. What I realized is part of me thrives off of negativity. I feel like I am addicted to being the weird freak who no one likes, that later takes her revenge on the world and makes people suffer. I love the Xian idea of the Antichrist bringing ruin to the world, I enjoy having a Jewish enemy to cause problems in the world that we can rage at them and crush them back. I enjoy the threat of being raped and having to fight it off with guns and possibly killing someone. I enjoy trolling on YouTube leaving comments that provoke rage in people.

This sounds so immature and psychopathic and yeah it is a giant ego trip but I feel like I am really struggling to just focus on positive things and manifest them. Like I can't fully feel the joy in just having love, friendship, wealth etc. Part of me NEEDS an enemy, a problem and something to destroy. Power is what I crave the most.

In the end I of course reap what I sow and my mind manifests negativity and problems into my life but I still can't stop, it's like an addiction.
If anyone can relate to this or has any solutions or even just thoughts please share it.

 

[Hp. Hoodedcobra666]

Destruction and these things are innately part of nature, and all people have this side to them. There will always be enemies in the universe, and the necessity of power and competition, or war, and any related things.
Someone focusing on being 'evil' all the time is as decadent as the people who constantly try to be 'good'. A balance is required between the two, or one will get equally destroyed and corrupted.
If you obsess over destruction then you will at one point become the victim of it. A balance is required, and sensibility on what is required and what is not.
Some people like power, and you seem to be one of these people, however, you have made a strong correlation of your mind with power with everything destructive or the power to destroy. You need to look at the other side of the fence as well. Also you're more honest with yourself than other people in regards to yourself.
You need to look at the opposite side of the fence to understand that power is not only manifested in the ways you describe or understand as power.

 

[ashleyslade0124]

Thank you HP Cobra. I realize that, often times when trying to manifest positive things the issues surface in our psyche that are blocking that and that's how I realized my addiction to negativity was a problem for me. I found being honest with yourself is the only way to fully explore your own psyche.

 

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Hitler is my hero and I look up to him as an example. Hitler will help us and the Gods to destroy the enemy. I hate reptilians (not the earthly animals, the aliens) so much I take pleasure in thinking of horrible thoughts about their demise. It hurts me that so many people are Muslims and or Christians, I dont want any gentile to die... but father reminds me what those people did against him, against us, that now I want them destroyed too. I get pleasure off the destruction of our enemies. They want us dead, I try to remind myself of that.

I agree with HP Hooded Cobra, who answered you beautifully.

Hail Satan