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- Joined
- Oct 21, 2008
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- 2
I think I've been a satanist all my life. As far as I can remember, I've always been against religions, god, jesus, herd mentality, etc..., to the point that religious blasphemies, I'm embarassed to say, are (and always have been) a turn on for me. I was born into a very christian Egyptian family, with very biblical names. Usually, those are very devout christians due to the fact that they are a minority in the middle east. No other options are offered. There was never any free will. Luckily, I grew up in Canada, where I was able to see more than my parents wanted me to show me. I've always been attracted to the occult from a very young age, and yes, I did dable on occasion.
Satan has always been one of my heros for some reason. It wasn't until I read Lavey's bible that I considered myself a satanist. And a very lonely one at best. I really looked up to Lavey but didn't fully agree with him. I don't think I was ever fully atheist(and I don't think he was either), but I felt I didn't have any other options.
I read the old and new testament, looking for answers, and I realized that now I had many reasons to hate Jehova. I laugh at christians when they talk about their lord. I think that 99.99 percent of them haven't even read their holy book. I've also done some reading on other Satanic organizations, ToS, ONA, CoS, and others. Then, a few months ago, my life was turned upside down and I hit the worst depression I've ever had. From that I now know how suicidal people see their world.
I've never been one to say die so while I was searching for solutions to my problems online I stumbled upon JoS. I was so impressed with the amount of knowledge presented on the web site. I was even more surprised to find that I was naturally aligned to the beliefs of JoS, from Yoga to Hitler and everything in between. As my life was still at a low point and I was struggling with damage control, I decided that I would begin a "training program" including basic meditations and magick. For some reason, it was very difficult to stick to it. I'm still struggling. There was always a distraction, someone calling, couldn't breathe properly, started smoking more (I know, it sucks!), can't focus like I used to, unusual aches and pains. Then there's the other things.
About a month ago, I had a dream about my dead Grandmother. She was like my mother, and still is. But I've never been so scared in my whole life. I was in a darkened hospital room with lots of beds. I walked up to her bed and she said to leave her alone because she's resting. I asked her if she remembered me. She turned to me with a empty look on her face, paused for a moment then said "ok, i'm coming". A split second later I was in my bed on my right side and something, or someone, was bouncing really hard behind me. My whole bed was shaking. I couldn't move, sleep paralysis I think. This seemed like it lasted almost a minute before I was able to move my fingers and toes. I'm still not sure what that was but I was finally able to turn around. For a split second, I saw a what seemed like a woman, dressed in a white robe, blond waivy hair, very white skin, I think bloodshot light eyes, and what seemed to be a concerned look on her face, lying down next to me. Didn't look like anyone I've ever known. As soon as I saw her my fear went away. Then she disapeared. Surprisingly, I was able to quickly fall back asleep.
A couple of weeks later, I found myself floating in my room. Astral projection? I know I fell asleep that night cleaning and expanding my aura. But there I was, floating in my darkened room but in control. I moved up and down at will. This was nothing like a dream. Not even a lucid dream. I don't remember what happened afterwards.
A few days after, I pulled an all nighter painting my house. I remember thinking about Satan and feeling like I needed something, like a sign. It was almost morning and I was tired and thinking I was gonna go to sleep and continue the next day. I plumped myself down on an office chair, it rolled back a couple of inches and a second after it stoped, a sun ray managed to hit me right in the side of my face.
I didn't think anything of it but then I realized that the odds of this happening were almost impossible. the sun came over the houses across my street, into a small front door windown, across the hall, thru my kitchen entrance at a narrow angle, and stopped right into my temple area, but nowhere else. And it felt good shining on me. It took me a few moments before I started thinking about it. Had my chair stopped an couple of inches either way I would've missed it. The timing was incredible as well. Literally 3 or 4 seconds before the ray came in. I didn't go to sleep but actually was able to continue painting until about midnight that night and complete the job without more delays. I want to think it's a sign but I'm not one to dwell on drama.
Also, since I started studying the material on JoS, I've been harrassed by christians, raelians, muslims. And I'm tired of the futile religious debates. Even my son. I pick him up from his after school care, runs over to me with a folded up picture of Jesus. I ask him where he got it and he tells me the wind blew it over to his foot while playing in the playground. What bothered me the most is that he was so happy with it and showing it to everyone person he saw, as if to rub it into my face. I'm not one to push my beliefs on anyone and I want to give my kids all the free will they can have but when he asked me if I believed in god or jesus I told him no. And it actually physically hurt me to disapoint him. Last week I wanted to read over the dedication ritual again to make sure I've got everything ready. Before I can open up the page my computer errors out. I have a hard time believing all these things are just coincidences. But maybe I am just losing my mind!
Anyway, I do apologize for writing a short novel, but once I started I couldn't stop. I really have no one I can talk to about all of this, for obvious reasons. And normally I'm good with that as I like figuring out puzzles for myself but I think I'm at a point where I might need guidance of some sort. Am I just going crazy? Is there anything I'm doing wrong or not doing at all? More importantly, can my kids be in any danger and if yes how can I protect them? As far as dedicating, it's all I think about. I am a little affraid for some reason but I think it's just a formality as I've always considered Satan as a good friend of mine. If that makes any sense. Thanks for reading and any input will be greatly appreciated.
Hail Satan!
PS: even as I'm trying to post this message my internect connection keeps going down! More delays...
Satan has always been one of my heros for some reason. It wasn't until I read Lavey's bible that I considered myself a satanist. And a very lonely one at best. I really looked up to Lavey but didn't fully agree with him. I don't think I was ever fully atheist(and I don't think he was either), but I felt I didn't have any other options.
I read the old and new testament, looking for answers, and I realized that now I had many reasons to hate Jehova. I laugh at christians when they talk about their lord. I think that 99.99 percent of them haven't even read their holy book. I've also done some reading on other Satanic organizations, ToS, ONA, CoS, and others. Then, a few months ago, my life was turned upside down and I hit the worst depression I've ever had. From that I now know how suicidal people see their world.
I've never been one to say die so while I was searching for solutions to my problems online I stumbled upon JoS. I was so impressed with the amount of knowledge presented on the web site. I was even more surprised to find that I was naturally aligned to the beliefs of JoS, from Yoga to Hitler and everything in between. As my life was still at a low point and I was struggling with damage control, I decided that I would begin a "training program" including basic meditations and magick. For some reason, it was very difficult to stick to it. I'm still struggling. There was always a distraction, someone calling, couldn't breathe properly, started smoking more (I know, it sucks!), can't focus like I used to, unusual aches and pains. Then there's the other things.
About a month ago, I had a dream about my dead Grandmother. She was like my mother, and still is. But I've never been so scared in my whole life. I was in a darkened hospital room with lots of beds. I walked up to her bed and she said to leave her alone because she's resting. I asked her if she remembered me. She turned to me with a empty look on her face, paused for a moment then said "ok, i'm coming". A split second later I was in my bed on my right side and something, or someone, was bouncing really hard behind me. My whole bed was shaking. I couldn't move, sleep paralysis I think. This seemed like it lasted almost a minute before I was able to move my fingers and toes. I'm still not sure what that was but I was finally able to turn around. For a split second, I saw a what seemed like a woman, dressed in a white robe, blond waivy hair, very white skin, I think bloodshot light eyes, and what seemed to be a concerned look on her face, lying down next to me. Didn't look like anyone I've ever known. As soon as I saw her my fear went away. Then she disapeared. Surprisingly, I was able to quickly fall back asleep.
A couple of weeks later, I found myself floating in my room. Astral projection? I know I fell asleep that night cleaning and expanding my aura. But there I was, floating in my darkened room but in control. I moved up and down at will. This was nothing like a dream. Not even a lucid dream. I don't remember what happened afterwards.
A few days after, I pulled an all nighter painting my house. I remember thinking about Satan and feeling like I needed something, like a sign. It was almost morning and I was tired and thinking I was gonna go to sleep and continue the next day. I plumped myself down on an office chair, it rolled back a couple of inches and a second after it stoped, a sun ray managed to hit me right in the side of my face.
I didn't think anything of it but then I realized that the odds of this happening were almost impossible. the sun came over the houses across my street, into a small front door windown, across the hall, thru my kitchen entrance at a narrow angle, and stopped right into my temple area, but nowhere else. And it felt good shining on me. It took me a few moments before I started thinking about it. Had my chair stopped an couple of inches either way I would've missed it. The timing was incredible as well. Literally 3 or 4 seconds before the ray came in. I didn't go to sleep but actually was able to continue painting until about midnight that night and complete the job without more delays. I want to think it's a sign but I'm not one to dwell on drama.
Also, since I started studying the material on JoS, I've been harrassed by christians, raelians, muslims. And I'm tired of the futile religious debates. Even my son. I pick him up from his after school care, runs over to me with a folded up picture of Jesus. I ask him where he got it and he tells me the wind blew it over to his foot while playing in the playground. What bothered me the most is that he was so happy with it and showing it to everyone person he saw, as if to rub it into my face. I'm not one to push my beliefs on anyone and I want to give my kids all the free will they can have but when he asked me if I believed in god or jesus I told him no. And it actually physically hurt me to disapoint him. Last week I wanted to read over the dedication ritual again to make sure I've got everything ready. Before I can open up the page my computer errors out. I have a hard time believing all these things are just coincidences. But maybe I am just losing my mind!
Anyway, I do apologize for writing a short novel, but once I started I couldn't stop. I really have no one I can talk to about all of this, for obvious reasons. And normally I'm good with that as I like figuring out puzzles for myself but I think I'm at a point where I might need guidance of some sort. Am I just going crazy? Is there anything I'm doing wrong or not doing at all? More importantly, can my kids be in any danger and if yes how can I protect them? As far as dedicating, it's all I think about. I am a little affraid for some reason but I think it's just a formality as I've always considered Satan as a good friend of mine. If that makes any sense. Thanks for reading and any input will be greatly appreciated.
Hail Satan!
PS: even as I'm trying to post this message my internect connection keeps going down! More delays...
