So much negatives I just don't want to live anymore

[l3bekk]

I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more detailed about my life scenario.
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...

 

[En Haradren Amlug]

The first thing you should do. Start meditating again! Surely you can see how important it is, and how much of an effect not meditating can have. Every time I hear about someone stopping their meditations, it goes hand in hand with them getting depressed and feeling down 24/7. Yet they struggle to make the connection, and end up stagnating in this horrible mess. Do yourself a favour and meditate. It's not going to make everything better over night. But its a good first step to changing your attitude and making you feel better and stronger.

Next, take this as your vivid clear sign. You can get back in it, and you can make it work. You yourself know there is no use in 'giving up' again this is just more stagnation. The way of the Warrior, the way of the Satanist is to fight, fight and survive till their last breath to Triumph. Not to sink down into the mud and await their demise.

I understand that it is tough, life can be very difficult. But think how much worse it will be on your family if you would leave them. That isn't an option, and not the Satanic way.

Meditate whilst everyone is sleeping. Lay in your bed and meditate, other will assume you're sleeping. Use this time to build yourself up spiritually and mentally.

Get outside, find a job, find a hobbie, find something that can get you out of the house and doing something. Find a park where you can go and meditate, or just have some alone time. Earn some money, save up, move out. Then you'll have all the privacy you could dream of.
Its all out there, within your reach. You just simply have to grasp it. Take the time and put in the effort, fight and survive, don't wollow in the mud.

If you are working for Satan, working on empowering yourself, learning what you can, when you can, about Spiritual Satanism and Satan. Then you are a Satanist. The Dedication dosn't make someone a Satanist, its the work they do, the effort they put in and the actual 'Dedication' they have for bettering themselves and working for Satan. You don't have the privacy to do your Formal Dedication, so thats fine. Do it when you can. That dosn't mean you can't meditate, that you can't learn all that you can, that you can't advance and work for Satan.

Get out there and do it. Be strong, be patient, and be proud of yourself.

Its those that walk through the thorns and come out covered in scars that are stronger than those that had it easy.
A warrior isn't proven by his glorious death, or his lack of injuries. Its his scars that each tell a tale of struggle, hardship, and eventual triumph.

-En Haradren Amlug.

--- In , "l3bekk" <l3bekk@... wrote:

I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more detailed about my life scenario.
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...

 

[ancientgods1]

When you live in a xian enviroment, namely your house, it's almost impossible to stay away from ties with the enemy. Also you share your bedroom and whan you are asleep your defenses are lower.

This sounds like constant vampirism from your family, that is depleting your energy.
I would seriously think to move from this house and cut spiritual cords with family membners (can be a bit tricky but possible with meditation), and ask Satan for help and guidance in this move.

Try to recover meditations daily, be consistend, spend time out of the house under the dirtect Sun light.

--- In , "l3bekk" <l3bekk@... wrote:

I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more detailed about my life scenario.
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...

 

[Valdemar Aronsson]

Meditate, meditate and meditate!! Increased life force is the cure to depression. Be in a trance state as much as possible, every day.

To:
From: l3bekk@...
Subject: So much negatives I just don't want to live anymore

  I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more detailed about my life scenario.
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...

 

[l3bekk]

Thank you, your response was most helpful, I notice the fluctuating feelings I get when
Don't meditate at all or long enough, sometimes I get mix emotions at certain times, and other times I actually do feel something and its very hard to recreate the feeling and get it to happen again. But I will get back on it and continue to try and try harder, even if sometimes my family frustrate me and constantly nag and bother me and invade my privacy.vi should really stick to this motto: Keep Calm & Stay Strong, ironically a motto I made my own -___-, thanks again for your most helpful and encouraging reply!
HAIL FATHER SATAN!!!!

--- In , "En Haradren Amlug" <hecktic_shadow@... wrote:

The first thing you should do. Start meditating again! Surely you can see how important it is, and how much of an effect not meditating can have. Every time I hear about someone stopping their meditations, it goes hand in hand with them getting depressed and feeling down 24/7. Yet they struggle to make the connection, and end up stagnating in this horrible mess. Do yourself a favour and meditate. It's not going to make everything better over night. But its a good first step to changing your attitude and making you feel better and stronger.

Next, take this as your vivid clear sign. You can get back in it, and you can make it work. You yourself know there is no use in 'giving up' again this is just more stagnation. The way of the Warrior, the way of the Satanist is to fight, fight and survive till their last breath to Triumph. Not to sink down into the mud and await their demise.

I understand that it is tough, life can be very difficult. But think how much worse it will be on your family if you would leave them. That isn't an option, and not the Satanic way.

Meditate whilst everyone is sleeping. Lay in your bed and meditate, other will assume you're sleeping. Use this time to build yourself up spiritually and mentally.

Get outside, find a job, find a hobbie, find something that can get you out of the house and doing something. Find a park where you can go and meditate, or just have some alone time. Earn some money, save up, move out. Then you'll have all the privacy you could dream of.
Its all out there, within your reach. You just simply have to grasp it. Take the time and put in the effort, fight and survive, don't wollow in the mud.

If you are working for Satan, working on empowering yourself, learning what you can, when you can, about Spiritual Satanism and Satan. Then you are a Satanist. The Dedication dosn't make someone a Satanist, its the work they do, the effort they put in and the actual 'Dedication' they have for bettering themselves and working for Satan. You don't have the privacy to do your Formal Dedication, so thats fine. Do it when you can. That dosn't mean you can't meditate, that you can't learn all that you can, that you can't advance and work for Satan.

Get out there and do it. Be strong, be patient, and be proud of yourself.

Its those that walk through the thorns and come out covered in scars that are stronger than those that had it easy.
A warrior isn't proven by his glorious death, or his lack of injuries. Its his scars that each tell a tale of struggle, hardship, and eventual triumph.

-En Haradren Amlug.

--- In , "l3bekk" <l3bekk@ wrote:

I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more detailed about my life scenario.
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...

 

[magus.immortalis1]

Everyone gave really good advice, so I won't repeat anything.
Just take an extra five minutes in the morning, evening and maybe another time in the bathroom, to do your meditations. Another five minutes won't be noticed.

You could also do the Five Tibetans and a yoga routine in a park or a quiet place. They will relax you and also give you energy, done first thing in the day if possible. But whenever is good.

I agree with the others, best to get a job, save money and move out.

Don't forget to clear your history after checking the groups and JoS and affiliated sites if it's a shared computer, or even your own because you never know when another member will nose around on your laptop.

To:
From: l3bekk@...
Date: Wed, 24 Jul 2013 17:24:45 +0000
Subject: So much negatives I just don't want to live anymore


























I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more detailed about my life scenario.

I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.

I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.

At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.

I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...

 

[Likando Maboshe]

first step sincerely dedicate to SATAN....as for your struggles with xianity i can relate.....i had a similar experience.... you see meditationsespecially when you are a beginner dont have to be long even just for 5 mins a day ....you can do this even in your bathroom read the jos website especially the sermons...... But if have not dedicated then please do....Edwardtgao8 has advised you well....HAIL SATAN

 

[wargamer44]

I haven't read all the replies, please please get a student loan and any relative to help. Go to a university and move out. It changed my life. In fact, the one thing that saved me from destruction twenty years ago. It will be the most shining experience that you will always talk about. You can meditate without worry and will meet positive people. PERFECT AGE to do it!!!! hugs and hail Satan. You have INDEPENDENCE within you grasp

--- In , "l3bekk" <l3bekk@... wrote:

I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more detailed about my life scenario.
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...

 

[En Haradren Amlug]

Also remember. Sometimes it just helps to let off some steam, and get these things off our chest that are troubling us. Its a huge weight of our shoulders and helps us to feel better and refreshed. So don't hesitate to make these posts. Or talk to Satan about it.

-En Haradren Amlug.

--- In , "l3bekk" <l3bekk@... wrote:

Thank you, your response was most helpful, I notice the fluctuating feelings I get when
Don't meditate at all or long enough, sometimes I get mix emotions at certain times, and other times I actually do feel something and its very hard to recreate the feeling and get it to happen again. But I will get back on it and continue to try and try harder, even if sometimes my family frustrate me and constantly nag and bother me and invade my privacy.vi should really stick to this motto: Keep Calm & Stay Strong, ironically a motto I made my own -___-, thanks again for your most helpful and encouraging reply!
HAIL FATHER SATAN!!!!
--- In , "En Haradren Amlug" <hecktic_shadow@ wrote:

The first thing you should do. Start meditating again! Surely you can see how important it is, and how much of an effect not meditating can have. Every time I hear about someone stopping their meditations, it goes hand in hand with them getting depressed and feeling down 24/7. Yet they struggle to make the connection, and end up stagnating in this horrible mess. Do yourself a favour and meditate. It's not going to make everything better over night. But its a good first step to changing your attitude and making you feel better and stronger.

Next, take this as your vivid clear sign. You can get back in it, and you can make it work. You yourself know there is no use in 'giving up' again this is just more stagnation. The way of the Warrior, the way of the Satanist is to fight, fight and survive till their last breath to Triumph. Not to sink down into the mud and await their demise.

I understand that it is tough, life can be very difficult. But think how much worse it will be on your family if you would leave them. That isn't an option, and not the Satanic way.

Meditate whilst everyone is sleeping. Lay in your bed and meditate, other will assume you're sleeping. Use this time to build yourself up spiritually and mentally.

Get outside, find a job, find a hobbie, find something that can get you out of the house and doing something. Find a park where you can go and meditate, or just have some alone time. Earn some money, save up, move out. Then you'll have all the privacy you could dream of.
Its all out there, within your reach. You just simply have to grasp it. Take the time and put in the effort, fight and survive, don't wollow in the mud.

If you are working for Satan, working on empowering yourself, learning what you can, when you can, about Spiritual Satanism and Satan. Then you are a Satanist. The Dedication dosn't make someone a Satanist, its the work they do, the effort they put in and the actual 'Dedication' they have for bettering themselves and working for Satan. You don't have the privacy to do your Formal Dedication, so thats fine. Do it when you can. That dosn't mean you can't meditate, that you can't learn all that you can, that you can't advance and work for Satan.

Get out there and do it. Be strong, be patient, and be proud of yourself.

Its those that walk through the thorns and come out covered in scars that are stronger than those that had it easy.
A warrior isn't proven by his glorious death, or his lack of injuries. Its his scars that each tell a tale of struggle, hardship, and eventual triumph.

-En Haradren Amlug.

--- In , "l3bekk" <l3bekk@ wrote:

I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more detailed about my life scenario.
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...

 

[ToZ Forum Contributions]

The majority of such situations simply comes down to lack of daily meditation on the part of the individual.
From: En Haradren Amlug <hecktic_shadow@...
To:
Sent: Friday, July 26, 2013 1:09:47 AM
Subject: Re: So much negatives I just don't want to live anymore
  Also remember. Sometimes it just helps to let off some steam, and get these things off our chest that are troubling us. Its a huge weight of our shoulders and helps us to feel better and refreshed. So don't hesitate to make these posts. Or talk to Satan about it.

-En Haradren Amlug.

--- In mailto:, "l3bekk" <l3bekk@... wrote:

Thank you, your response was most helpful, I notice the fluctuating feelings I get when
Don't meditate at all or long enough, sometimes I get mix emotions at certain times, and other times I actually do feel something and its very hard to recreate the feeling and get it to happen again. But I will get back on it and continue to try and try harder, even if sometimes my family frustrate me and constantly nag and bother me and invade my privacy.vi should really stick to this motto: Keep Calm & Stay Strong, ironically a motto I made my own -___-, thanks again for your most helpful and encouraging reply!
HAIL FATHER SATAN!!!!
--- In mailto:, "En Haradren Amlug" <hecktic_shadow@ wrote:

The first thing you should do. Start meditating again! Surely you can see how important it is, and how much of an effect not meditating can have. Every time I hear about someone stopping their meditations, it goes hand in hand with them getting depressed and feeling down 24/7. Yet they struggle to make the connection, and end up stagnating in this horrible mess. Do yourself a favour and meditate. It's not going to make everything better over night. But its a good first step to changing your attitude and making you feel better and stronger.

Next, take this as your vivid clear sign. You can get back in it, and you can make it work. You yourself know there is no use in 'giving up' again this is just more stagnation. The way of the Warrior, the way of the Satanist is to fight, fight and survive till their last breath to Triumph. Not to sink down into the mud and await their demise.

I understand that it is tough, life can be very difficult. But think how much worse it will be on your family if you would leave them. That isn't an option, and not the Satanic way.

Meditate whilst everyone is sleeping. Lay in your bed and meditate, other will assume you're sleeping. Use this time to build yourself up spiritually and mentally.

Get outside, find a job, find a hobbie, find something that can get you out of the house and doing something. Find a park where you can go and meditate, or just have some alone time. Earn some money, save up, move out. Then you'll have all the privacy you could dream of.
Its all out there, within your reach. You just simply have to grasp it. Take the time and put in the effort, fight and survive, don't wollow in the mud.

If you are working for Satan, working on empowering yourself, learning what you can, when you can, about Spiritual Satanism and Satan. Then you are a Satanist. The Dedication dosn't make someone a Satanist, its the work they do, the effort they put in and the actual 'Dedication' they have for bettering themselves and working for Satan. You don't have the privacy to do your Formal Dedication, so thats fine. Do it when you can. That dosn't mean you can't meditate, that you can't learn all that you can, that you can't advance and work for Satan.

Get out there and do it. Be strong, be patient, and be proud of yourself.

Its those that walk through the thorns and come out covered in scars that are stronger than those that had it easy.
A warrior isn't proven by his glorious death, or his lack of injuries. Its his scars that each tell a tale of struggle, hardship, and eventual triumph.

-En Haradren Amlug.

--- In mailto:, "l3bekk" <l3bekk@ wrote:

I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more detailed about my life scenario.
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...

 

[hells666steward]

Complaining is ok. As long as you pick yourself up and do something about it! Don't just complain if there is something - anything - you can do to fix the problem.

Can you meditate in bed? Can you go outside? Meditating in the Sun can be WONDERFUL.

I wish you the best in overcoming these obstacles. Stay strong!

HAIL SATAN!!

--- In , "l3bekk" <l3bekk@... wrote:

I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more detailed about my life scenario.
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...

 

[edwardtgao8]

Sorry for english, by "quit" I ment Quiet silent meditations. Here are some protective (90% of all JoS meditations are silent!):
http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpent ... ation.html
http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpent ... ction.html
http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpent ... Satan.html
http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpent ... aning.html
http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpent ... ation.html

Search files in this group - there are money spells. I'l send you some JoS ministry books to your yahoo.

--- In , "l3bekk" <l3bekk@... wrote:

I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more detailed about my life scenario.
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...

 

[bestrielwotonsdotter]

13bekk, I so totally feel for you. I know how hard it can be, wanting to have the freedom to follow Father Satan. 20 can be a really hard age, especially with the living situation you're in.

HP Don is right: daily meditation is key. Even the simplest aura cleaning and strengthening does wonders for one's attitude and outlook.

Talk to Father every day. Even if you think He's too busy to hear you. I promise you, He does. You matter to Him, and He will help you in any way He can, that is best for you.

If you have a good imagination, use it to build an astral temple where you can go to do rituals to honor Him and give Him Thanks.

And yes! Get your butt out of that situation as soon as you can safely do so! Even a part time job is a good start! It'll get you out of the house! Save your money up.

Try to find a park somewhere where you can go to walk and think; there, you can sit and meditate too!

There ARE people who care. Father, and the other Gods and Demons will help you until you are strong enough to take care of yourself.

And you always have us here, too!

--- In , Forums Contributor < wrote:

The majority of such situations simply comes down to lack of daily meditation on the part of the individual.


--- In mailto:, "l3bekk" <l3bekk@ wrote:

I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more detailed about my life scenario.
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...

 

[shantikami]

I know how hard it is to be in a packed house, with very little privacy. You have my sympathy. The only thing I can suggest is maybe asking your sisters for some private time in the room. If you could negotiate a way for each of you to have her own private time in the room, it might help all of you.

Hopefully this is helpful.

--- In , "l3bekk" <l3bekk@... wrote:

I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more detailed about my life scenario.
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...

 

[l3bekk]

You all truly have been helpful!!!! I thank you all so much, I am very thankful for your kind words and wisdom, it shows that you all do care. I've found a way to meditate in the shower, strangely it's the only time and place I feel safer and can't hear my family, sometimes I end up staying in the shower longer than I need to. I still struggle a bit with my sister and my mom, but I'm beginning to feel alot better and hopeful, although I've never felt the enemy physically attack me, I can feel them manipulating my energy sometimes causing me to feel bad or depressed, affirmations have really helped and constant meditation not only keeps me in a good mood, but I also found out that my allergies have soared down significantly. I'm currently in the process of employment, technically I'm hired at this new job I have but I'm not all the way in yet, I feel really good, I thank you all sooooo much again, I love you all so much I really do, and I love and thank father Satan, because although I can't hear him or see him, I can feel him sometimes, and I can tell when he shows me signs, it's obvious and I dare not even say coincidence. I hereby pledge my alliance and loyalty to Satan forever and always, I have yet to dedicate, I really want to do it physically but I can't yet so mentally will do. I can't thank you guys enough, you all have truly helped me ALOT, a true family thanks.

HAIL FATHER SATAN!!! HAIL FATHER SATAN!!! HAIL FATHER SATAN!!!

--- In , "l3bekk" <l3bekk@... wrote:

I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more detailed about my life scenario.
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10 year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where "trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities, I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I do...

 

[Allison P]

Great to hear! There are no coincidences in Spiritual Satanism, I have
found. ^ Hang in there, Sister!

On 8/4/13, l3bekk <l3bekk@... wrote:
You all truly have been helpful!!!! I thank you all so much, I am very
thankful for your kind words and wisdom, it shows that you all do care. I've
found a way to meditate in the shower, strangely it's the only time and
place I feel safer and can't hear my family, sometimes I end up staying in
the shower longer than I need to. I still struggle a bit with my sister and
my mom, but I'm beginning to feel alot better and hopeful, although I've
never felt the enemy physically attack me, I can feel them manipulating my
energy sometimes causing me to feel bad or depressed, affirmations have
really helped and constant meditation not only keeps me in a good mood, but
I also found out that my allergies have soared down significantly. I'm
currently in the process of employment, technically I'm hired at this new
job I have but I'm not all the way in yet, I feel really good, I thank you
all sooooo much again, I love you all so much I really do, and I love and
thank father Satan, because although I can't hear him or see him, I can feel
him sometimes, and I can tell when he shows me signs, it's obvious and I
dare not even say coincidence. I hereby pledge my alliance and loyalty to
Satan forever and always, I have yet to dedicate, I really want to do it
physically but I can't yet so mentally will do. I can't thank you guys
enough, you all have truly helped me ALOT, a true family thanks.

HAIL FATHER SATAN!!! HAIL FATHER SATAN!!! HAIL FATHER SATAN!!!


--- In , "l3bekk" <l3bekk@... wrote:

I'm not goning to lie I've fell off with meditation, but still doing a bit
of yoga, I've been feeling so much negative now... Let me a bit more
detailed about my life scenario.
I am a 20 year old female living with my parents in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath
house. I share a room with my 18 year old sister and sometimes with my 10
year old younger sis who usually sleeps with my mom, since my parents
don't sleep in the same bed no more.
I never ever have the privacy to do anything anymore since my mom
lost her job December and only time I have privacy is when my mom has
somewhere to go and I can lock myself up in her room and just vent or do
whatever, meditate, talk on the phone. I have come to a point where
"trying" to be a satanist in a Christian household that is very small in
space to begin with, we live in a duplex so no outside place to go and
relax and for privacy, my room is populated with my sisters, my mom is
usually in her room with a loud xian hatian music or preaches going on, or
in the kitchen, but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in her room anymore
since beginning to be a satanist.
At times I feel like I'm being taunt and teased by the enemy, when
things go bad my mom would say things like, "you're a child of god he
wouldn't let you suffer, you'll receive your blessing soon" or "pray, you
have to help me and good and pray to make things better" i get so angry
and sad to the point that I don't even feel like real satanists because I
fell off so bad because of the conditions I'm in and because I didn't
dedicate yet which is why I'm not relieving the protection of satan, and
why I myself not even powerful enough to put on a protective aura
effectively, I keep pondering suicide just like I did when I was a devoted
Christian but felt trapped and unappreciated because my life seem
controlled and meant to stay where it was.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic but things are so hard, I don't
like to complain, but if only I had a sign that I was doing everything
right, a voice, a dream, just a vivid clear sign, if only I was able to
get away from my family or just have my own personal quiet space I
wouldn't feel so horrible, sometimes I resent my parents for making me and
I just wish I could die, but that would be stupid because my next life
could be worse, I feel so confuse, I feel spiritually confused and
turbulent. I don't know what to do now, I always imagine the life I want
but looki at what I have to work with now I can say it would be going
through a thorny bush barefoot with a small pocket knife, I guess it's
stillpossible, but it will take long and I may to come out unscathe. I
envy people who seem to have an easy caterd life and better opportunities,
I'm still here struggling to figure out what can I do and what should I
do...