Where I should grow and develop? Help me fix myself

Brother, take a breath. What you just did in writing this took more courage than most people use in a year. You opened a side of yourself that, by your own words, you have never shown anyone. That is not weakness. That is the first movement of real strength. The act of asking is itself a form of growing, and the Temple treats this honestly: no outside perspective can replace the unflinching look at oneself. Virtue Θ - Know Thyself is exactly that, the recognition that real growth begins with the courage to see where you actually stand, and you just did that.

What you described is not personal failure. It is the cycle the High Priest names plainly in Highs And Lows In Life: periods of growth alternating with periods of decline, driven less by weakness and more by the expectation that life should be immune to either. The expectation that one should never fall, never stall, never feel empty, is itself the trap. Real growth is not the absence of the cycle. It is what you do inside it. Your honest self-assessment here is the first move that breaks the pattern, because you are refusing to keep performing composure on the outside while something on the inside is screaming.

Let me separate three layers honestly, because flattening everything into one blob won't help.

First, the inner life. You described keeping everything inside, hiding feelings, listening to others but never sharing yourself. That is a real wound, and it is not something meditation or training fixes on its own. High Priestess Lydia has written about this directly in Healing the Emotional Body (for men too, don't disregard this), and the broader teaching is that suppressing what you feel does not make you disciplined. It makes you numb, and numbing is what makes you reach for marijuana to feel anything at all in yoga. Your need for genuine human connection is not a side symptom of stagnation. It is a primary area of development, not a luxury. The Temple treats this seriously. Virtue E - Friendship is framed as a virtue to be built, not a mood to wait for. Real friendship is built by applying the other virtues first: showing up consistently, being honest even when it is uncomfortable, sharing something true and listening without performing.

Second, the outer structure. The night-shift job you hate, the residence permit you fear to lose, the country you cannot currently return to. These are real constraints. No one with any honesty will tell you to quit tomorrow, return to a war zone, or drop everything to chase a travel blog. When the conditions around you are tight, the practical move is to take one bite at a time and finish what is in front of you. The driving school license and the motorcycle license are not distractions. They are small, concrete, finishable things that move you forward and give you proof that you can complete a step. Honor them.

The guilt about not going to fight deserves direct, gentle attention. You are not a coward for being in a different country with a job that keeps you alive, and you are not betraying your people by surviving. What Will The Gods Think? makes this plain: the Gods recognize the will to contribute. They see the obstacles. They do not shame you for what you cannot yet do. Guilt? Depression? reframes guilt as a sensor pointing to where you need to correct, not a punishment to wallow in. Holding yourself together in a hard situation while still wanting more is its own form of courage. The Heroic Path: Learning To Stand Strong would tell you the same thing: bravery is not the absence of fear. It is confronting your situation with proper action instead of following the easy path of mindlessness.

Third, the spiritual practice. You said you don't really feel anything from spiritual disciplines, and you feel shame for not being consistent. Both of these concerns have direct remedies in the canon. Physical Meditation: How To "Feel" Meditation, For Those Who Don't exists specifically for people whose minds feel nothing in meditation. Yoga is your entry point. You already have a practice that works physically. The next step is to channel the energy yoga raises into a meditation that gives you felt experience, instead of separating the two. As for consistency, Habits: "Old Dogs, New Tricks" - Defeating Resistance frames consistency as the non-negotiable baseline. Meditation is not a reward you wait to feel motivated for. It is something you do because you said you would, in small steady amounts, the way someone washes their face in the morning. Aiming for a hero's session three times a week is what burns people out. A tight fifteen to twenty minutes, sober, every single day, builds the underlying stability that the longer sessions later rest on.

On the marijuana and yoga question: be honest with yourself. You already know it is harmful, which is why you wrote that. The Temple position, laid out in Actual Self Love: Drugs & Addictions - Fixing One's Self and Virtue Ϝ - Temperance, is that the heightened sensations from substances are not real spiritual attainment. Temperance is the art of staying in the range of balance. There is no need to lecture you; you already named the problem. The path of development is to get to a place where yoga itself raises enough energy that you no longer need the substance to feel it. That takes consistent daily practice without the crutch, not heroic willpower.

On confidence with women, briefly, since you raised it: your physique is real. Your past relationships prove you are not incapable. The gap is not in the body, it is in the inner confidence and the way you express yourself. That gets built, not by chasing women, but by the same habits that build the rest of your life: consistency, honesty, self-respect. A man who is rebuilding himself is naturally more attractive than a man who performs confidence. Reaching Confidence And Self-Esteem - Explained would also tell you that real confidence is built internally, not in any dating app or technique.

Now for what to actually do in the next 30 to 90 days. Do not try to fix everything at once. Pick a small number of priorities, and execute them ruthlessly.

The High Priest's public guidance compresses the whole work into a handful of moves: meditate, study and advance physically, stay the course, repeat daily until the habits stick. The rest unfolds from there. The Journey In Zevism: 0.25% Growth Per Day - Your Rome Will Be Built is the antidote to "I'm doing everything too slowly." Rome was not built in a day. Consistent small daily acts accumulate into something massive. Small Acts? I don't think so. makes this point directly: doing the small thing today, tomorrow, and the day after, builds the foundation for the great acts later. People who wait for the right moment to do something big end up waiting forever. People who do the small thing become the giants.

So here is the concrete near-term structure. Daily: fifteen to twenty minutes of meditation or void sitting, ideally right after your yoga, sober. Weekly: one genuine human connection moment that is not performance, even if it is awkward, even if it starts as "I went to a meetup and listened." Pick the driving license as your one practical milestone, finish it. Pick one small honest step toward the remote or travel dream, even if it is just reading or studying something related for twenty minutes a day. That is it. Stop trying to optimize everything. Pick three to four daily anchors and execute them. The rest will follow when consistency is established.

You asked where you should grow. Here is the answer from the Temple's own framing in Virtue Ϝ - Advancement and Evolution: advancement is the visible forward motion in life, evolution is the deepening of the inner and spiritual powers. You need to walk both. Right now your advancement looks decent on paper: training, driving school, showing up to work. Your evolution is starved because you have been keeping everything inside and starving your soul of real connection and real practice. So: develop the inner life. Speak to one real person this week. Sit in meditation fifteen minutes daily, sober. Finish the driving license. Stop comparing yourself to some imaginary faster version of you.

You are not behind. You are not a coward. You are a man in a hard situation who just named every layer of his life out loud for the first time. That is the starting point of real growth, not the proof of failure. Keep this thread going. Tell us what you actually try, what works, what doesn't. The Clergy of the Temple of Zeus and many members have walked roads that look a lot like yours, and the consistent testimony is that patient, honest, everyday work changes everything, not overnight, but in a way that is permanent.

Hello brother,

You are definitely not a coward for moving away from war, don't let the propagandists move you to such thoughts.

It seems to me that you have big goals, but you are very scathered minded.

Could it be that in your mind you have many goals, but this feels overwhelming and you never know where to start?

Remember the journey of 1000 miles starts with the first step.

You think it could help you to write your goals down?

You can write each down, the long term goals, under each you can subdivide them in smaller short term goals that are easier to reach and can give you insight in what you have to do daily to reach them.

-Long term goal

-short term goal

-actions to dake daily to reach the short term

Ask yourself deeply: "what do I have to do to reach this goal?"

And follow that, daily.

Let me know if I can be of more help

Don't feel bad for not going to war; it's not worth risking your life fighting for globalist Yehuboric interests. The Gods don't want us Zevistas to put ourselves in danger like that, but rather to move forward in our lives and work to grow spiritually and to advance the Divine spiritual agenda and ToZ.

Greetings Brother!

I empathise with what you are feeling, it doesn't sound pathetic and I am glad you reached out. You were forced into a situation where your safety and survival was of paramount importance but to be able to feel like you can cross over into thriving from only surviving may require a few steps. I know also, depending on the legality/timing/transition of things, I imagine this has to be more realistic in the beginning but nothing is impossible. Feelings of hopelessness and 'stuck' can arise when we are living lives we haven't had much of a say in, since we haven't prioritised mapping our potential and planning out a wonderful life for ourselves full of things that inspire us, gives us hope and actively making moves towards turning our goals into reality.

Have you tried doing an analysis of your natal astrological chart placements? It can help you get a more general idea of things. We all have strong natal points as well as areas of improvement, knowing these can help you place emphasis on the area of life where you may need extra assistance (e.g., doing some Planetary Squares to help rectify certain weaker astrological houses has helped me a lot in the past with personal growth). This could help you get a general idea of where to set your goals, as Brother Aquarius has said. My advice is don't be afraid to dream and revisit old interests from your younger years.

You can visit AstroApollo.org to generate your natal chart and remember to keep your astrological placements and birth time/location information confidential from others.

I still feel lonely and deprived of meaning. I simply need genuine human connection. I sincerely want to grow in every sense and become a better version of myself.

And if you aren't already, be sure to join the Vultus Templorum platform where you can connect with other Zevists who are focused on their own improvement as well, we have ways of tracking our progress and holding each other accountable for things like Planetary Squares and the spiritual practices.

You can find a link on the Home page of the Forum (above 'Community Activity' if you are on PC). You're not alone, thank you for reaching out!