Self parenting

[Jrvan]

I'm writing this post for those who need it. There are a lot of people who have had really bad upbringings, including myself. This is sadly very common with the curses on the family unit by the jews. The emotional trauma can haunt you through all steps of your life as the childhood is foundational, for the psyche and many other things. This sort of thing can be resolved and dealt with using magick, but I believe one still needs to do the work to fill in the missing gap of what should be there. If you remove the karma pattern and karmic seeds generated from the bad childhood, you still have to add a positive foundation for yourself. One might be confused as to how to do this like I was because within the pain it's easy to assume you need someone else to parent you. It's the default assumption - on the inside, if we feel like a child, then we need someone else to parent us. It's not true though. You're an adult now, and you can be your own parent. That idea might hurt, there might be bitterness involved. Be patient and work through that. No, it's not fair that you need to do this for yourself. Yes, your parents should have taken better care of you. But you still need to do it for yourself. You need this, and deep down you know it. So do what's necessary. Take your own hand. Start teaching yourself how to self parent. Be what you need for yourself. You CAN do it. You have divinity within yourself, and you can provide everything you need for the broken child within to become whole.

Be your own parent. Treat yourself with kindness and love.

 

[Maya]

This is a great post. Self-parenting is a paramount to stepping into our real potential. Self-parenting is a necessity.

What parents do (especially during the first years) has huge impact on the child. The parent is our guide, and this person many times causes us traumatic experiences.
Trauma is not just a traumatic event. It's the emotional overwhelmness we felt because of this event.

Some traumatic experiences can be when one has gone through physical or sexual abuse, rape, a car accident, natural disaster, war, violence, or can be related to emotional abuse, grief, divorce, bullying, betrayal, embarrassment, rejection, or to the absense of emotional support.  

It's not only what happened to us but more of what didn't happen. This is equally important. Some examples are no emotional validation, no understanding, no boundaries at all, no comfort in stressful and hard times, no emotional protection, not enough play and connection, or  just the fact that we, as children, had to be protecting an adult/parent instead of them protecting us, or protecting and becoming a parent for a sibling which isn't what a child should do. When our childhood ended way earlier than it should.
Trauma is the fact that we were left with all the questions, the guilt, the shame,  the very false idea that we were responsible for that.


A few steps on how we can start seeing what we need:

Acknowledging our emotions, identifying our needs that we still carry since we were children.
After listing all our emotions, it’s time to start fulfilling them. What we can do today is to correct the mistakes our parents made. 

There is a need to detouch from our parents' behaviour patterns. For a moment, stop seeing them only as parent figures. Instead, observe them as human beings. They should have good and bad sides. Not everything they did was wrong but not everything was right either.

It is time we should learn from our parents' mistakes, so we never act the same way. The time to give to our self everything we didn’t get as a child. This can be love, attention, support, validation, encouragement, safety, self-care, or whatever each person needs.

This is not something we should feel ashamed for. This is something we should feel proud of trying. We try to fix something that was never our job to do. It is a hard job but very rewarding.

Excuse my long reply but I find this topic significant.

 

[darkmonkey666]

This is totally true however there isn't a lot of info here on how to do that. This might be helpful to people. I had to learn a lot of things about how the world worked on my own. Didn't really work out that great at first I am much better now.

I will come back a little later to post on some of these topics on certain things. I have to think of how to formulate some of it. I went through some of the things on bad childhood for people myself and others and how it and traumas effect people. If you want to read some of it you can. I know many didn't deal with the psychic vampirism stuff or control stuff but the rest may be helpful too.

 

[Flowers of Adonis]

This seems like a good article for this:
What Is Self Parenting And How It's A Part of Healing

It may be a good start.

I don't know any books for this specifically.

 

[Enigmatic_Rabbit]

You have divinity within yourself, and you can provide everything you need for the broken child within to become whole.

Be your own parent. Treat yourself with kindness and love.

What an absolutely positive message here. Many people indeed struggle with traumatic pasts and parentless childhoods who flock to all kinds of different (((philosophies))), religions, groups, fandoms, etc. It is all to help cope with a past too painful or too difficult to heal on their own so they look on the outside to heal the inside, so to speak. I see many a person here that should and Need to read OP's post.

~~~

What is a parent? It is a person who has taken over the role of a "responsible authority figure". Key word: "responsible".
This can be a somewhat "frightening" or "illusive" word to grasp for many as most people go throughout their entire lives in a "walking dream". "Life just Happens to me".

You didn't pay that bill and now you owe more money? "Life just happens".
You made a fool of yourself in front of your family at thanksgiving because someone didn't agree with your politics and now your whole family is mad at you? "Life just happens."
You were late for that job interview because you didn't go to bed earlier the previous night and you slept in? "Life just happens."
Things were going well for you until they didn't and you see that your astrology chart has something negative affecting you and now you are suffering because of it? "Life just happens"
(by the way, what I am getting at here with astrology is that it is a map that you are able to use and can detect what lies ahead and then prepare accordingly, thus taking responsibility for whatever happens to come).

I wanted to preface this that in order to "self parent", one must take responsibility for ALL things that "just happen" in one's life that affects YOU and your immediate environment.

You are in control with how you will react/act at any given time at any given hour on any given day. But most unawaken people, and even some that are awakened (this doesn't dictate negativity, it is just being human with human weaknesses), do not opt to "take control" of their life aka they would rather if "life just happened" to them. Responsibility is a hard lesson but it is a lesson that can be solved, conquered and Mastered with enough time, personal awareness, environmental awareness and patience.

To be Responsible is to be Free.

~~~

So, how can one begin to recognize what they need to "parent" in themselves? As others have stated, introspection is a must. Regardless on how that is accomplished, it Must be accomplished in order to heal.

What are you "bad" at?
Are you late?
Do you regularly get emotional when emotion is unneeded or uncalled for?
Do you beat others down (verbally, or physically) to prove your self worth to yourself/someone else/or to the person you beat?
Do other people "put" you in a "bad" place on the inside?
Do you take things to heart you know you shouldn't?
Do you seek "validation" constantly?
Do you struggle to clean yourself/your surroundings on a regular basis?
Do you let "bad thoughts" intrude in your day and then it "ruins" your day thusly?
Do you spend money when you are bored or sad?
Do you blame others for your state of being?

Etc etc, the list goes on but these are the questions, plus many more not listed, one needs to ask when doing introspection. Any area you see yourself "failing" to act in accordance to your own standards is when you need to "self parent". The rule of thumb is, "you are responsible for YOUR state of being and your immediate surroundings." Nothing on the "outside" of this should be able to "damage" you. (I am not talking literally, just figuratively like a co-worker being snobby at you and now your day is "ruined") "Sticks and stones will break my bones..." and all.

This is one of the most impowering "life advice" anyone can give to another being. Others/circumstances/life Cannot Control you if you do Not let It. Life doesn't "just happen". It is full of charge and discharge moments and you act/react according to your own nature/archetype to these moments. THIS is "life". But I am digressing here.

The parent takes control over the life goings-on of the child, their every drink, meal, clothing, social interactions, schedule, emotional state (loving, supporting, or stuff less pleasant) habitat, consequence/discipline/reward, entertainment, etc. You are now the parent, you have control over these things and it is okay to do the above *kindly* to yourself. There is no need to fall into "neuroticism" when it comes to this either.

~~~

Though, I will add the following in order to be accurate with reality...

Some will fail at this.

Not because they did not try, not because they did not have good advice and not because they are weak, but it will be because of their engrain archetype. Some are more capable than others. Some need extra help, others might actually need a daddy or mommy type figure Bigger than themselves (you can see this behavior with the major religions of the world with muh sky daddies or even muh government or muh kikescience.) But this can be mitigated in a healthy manner.

Remember, being "responsible" also means to know where you are most "weakest" at and seek options to make yourself "stronger".

If you cannot take responsibility for your emotional state, you have options, like medication, therapy, meditation etc.
If you cannot take responsibility for your constant accumulation of driving tickets, get someone else to drive for you, use a bike, get a radar-detector, etc.

The above is to illustrate for those that are weak that can also take responsibility for their weakness and seek ways to solve said weakness outside of themselves. Not everyone can be strong with everything all the time. This is the result of human diversity, physically and archetypically.

Like OP said, sometimes you must be kind to yourself, and just like the loving parent will let their child fail at riding a bike, burn their hand on the stove, or draw all over the wall, so must you allow yourself room for "trial and error" without unnecessary internal restrain and unwarranted self loathing.