It will make upset God Satan? I can't keep up anymore.
I wanted this throughout my youth. I did want to die. I also didn't want to be me. I thought I was responsible for all the pain in my world.
The problem was there wasn't enough goodness and growth in my world to balance out the pain. There was a lack of balance, that by itself was disturbing. I simultaneously felt responsible and also powerless for the way life was. I wanted better, but didn't know how.
Not everything was my fault and not everything was in my ability to influence, but alot was, even if it was unconsciously. And I later realized that it was through unconscious decisions that I unintentionally made things worse.
I still have a constant urge to escape today. Life is not great, but it is better than it was, despite trying to recover from the damage done by my nihilism. The pain today sometimes has some sort of fulfillment behind it, no matter how mild, though I can't recreate it consistently.
I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life or why I'm here, and this emptiness hurts, but at least I'm doing something to bring change. Sometimes I get a glimpse at a better life, even if it's through someone else's eyes. That makes all the difference in the world.
Sorry that I don't have a solution to give you. But maybe reading this will make you think.