Question #3668: My life is a complete mess (requesting help/vent)

[AskSatanOperator]

I had an extremely rough year behind me, and I still feel like as if my life is a complete dumbster fire, literally every aspect of my life is in a horrible state, and I have no idea what should I do about it, especially when there's just so many of them. I just feel completely overwhelmed, confused and scared. I have some massive problems regarding relationships and bonding with other people, I have literally no idea how should I approach people properly, how to make friends etc. This is an old thing for me, I lived in my own bubble throughout my whole childhood and teen years. I never talked to my classmates in elementary or high school, I didn't even knew the names of the majority of them, I thought it wouldn't matter anyways. We moved quite a lot with my family, I transferred schools five times in total, got bullied and harassed in almost all of them, for this reason I never really had meaningful relationships, the only friendship I had lasted one and a half year when I was around 14. In my late teens the harassments had stopped luckily, but at that point I was way too down into the rabbithole, and unable to actually form bonds or any kind of relationships with others, because I just didn't know how, and was scared of people hurting me again. I was depressed and lonely throughout those years, and ended up developing some rather unhealthy coping mechanisms, like excess daydreaming, having imaginary friends whom I'd talk to every time I felt alone. Luckily, I realized how unhealthy this was, and stopped that habbit, altough it still lasted for an embarassingly long time.
These problems remained and if something they only worsened over the years. I'm an adult now, currently unemployed. I had a few jobs here and there, the longest time I remained in one place was about three weeks long. In my last job I was also unfortunate enough to get a jew as a direct boss, I was harassed and extremely overworked and after like two or three weeks I ended up quitting. That was 6 months ago, I don't have a job since then. I just feel completely miserable, horrible and worthless. I just feel like I cannot do this anymore, and I don't want to deal with people anymore, ever again. I just feel depressed, and in the past few days I had the memories of my past, unresolved traumas resurface again, making me feel even more shit than I already do. My family is constantly pestering me about getting a job and getting my life together. We live in poverty, so we could really use that money, but I just feel like I can't do it. I only talk with those family members whom I live with, and our relationship is really superfical and almost non-existent. I used to have a somewhat positive relationship with my mother, but we distanced over the years. My mom often blames me for different things, or insults me, saying how big of an idiot I am, how ugly and disgusting I am and how no man would ever want me in their life, not touching me even with a ten foot pole. Also saying that it wouldn't even matter if I lost weight, because my teeth are still f*cked up. Which I admit is true, due to my mental state I never took care of them, those few teeth that remained are in an extremely bad condition. Of course she said all this after asking me why I never had a boyfriend, and me answering that I don't want to have one. She just casually throws insults at me like that, and acts like she did nothing in the next morning. They say they do this out of "care" and "love", but it's really hard to believe when the only thing my family does is yell, insult and curse me. I usually just stay in silence and wait for it to be over. When I tried to reach out for help, and explain to my mom what I'm going through emotionally and mentally she said I should quit my bullshit, and stop with my poor excuses. I never tried talking to my family about my problems since then.
I just feel completely miserable, broken and alone, I have literally no idea what should I do. I don't even have the willpower to meditate, I have to force myself to do the basic AoP and cleaning, and often I skip those as well for days. I don't even have the energy to eat properly, or have anything done. I'm a dedicated Satanist since 2017 or 2018, but I haven't even made any significant progress. In the past I used to talk to Father Satan and my GD, well it was just me talking to them in my mind, but I know they have listened every time. I haven't even talked to them since a year or so, because I'm afraid I might disappointed them and angered them with my actions, and with being such a foolish and miserable pain in the ass. I just feel like I can't even talk to them or look them in the eye out of shame for not making any progress in my life or in my meditations, despite having years to do so, which should be more than enough.
I just feel so lost, and don't know what should I do. I apologise that my writing came out this messy and weird, I'm not in a good condition mentally. I don't have any other place I could request help from, vent to or share what I'm going through.

 

[TheFlea]

Sister,

I can’t say I have any earth-shattering advice that I can give you. And I am certainly not the greatest at giving advice, I understand that. What I can do, though, is tell you what has helped me.

I’ve realized as time has gone on, that sometimes we as individuals, in a mix of impatience and holding ourselves to high standard, try to think about and fix too many things at once. And when we fail do achieve the impossible in doing this, we not only have all our problems still in front of us but we also now have the weight of our failure on our shoulders. This causes us to become depressed. Try to take things one day at a time. Set small goals for yourself, and work to achieve these goals, however small. One goal a day. And as you accomplish these, you are not only solving problems, you are also proving to yourself that YOU can do it, that you ARE worth it, and all the while being so focused on these small issues and solving them and the satisfying feeling of doing so, you are slowly learning to forget the large list of other problems waiting to be solved.

As for your appearance, I think you’ll notice as you start slowly fixing your life, that you appear more and more attractive to yourself. This is your self-respect growing, and your mind “allowing” you to see the good in yourself. It isn’t just your appearance, you’ll realize hidden talents and positive personality traits that you hadn’t noticed before. In the short term, I remember a long time ago I had heard a stranger say to someone in a store “You are 10% more attractive than you think you are. No matter who it is, everyone is 10% more attractive to others than they are themselves, think about it” and I thought that was interesting. And I think it’s true. We can be our own worst enemies. Truly, many many other people feel the same way you do, about themselves. Sure, we aren’t all Greek sculpture-worthy level beauties, but how many TRULY UGLY people do you know? How many people do you find to be unbelievably hideous? The truth is, you are very likely to be somewhere in the middle. Bottom-middle, middle, upper middle… regardless just AVERAGE range somewhere. Like the vast majority of people. You may have dental issues, but as you better yourself as a person, your positive attributes will shine and make you more attractive as a person. You will probably notice people approaching you or treating you differently the more you improve yourself and your outlook. Looks do matter of course, but it isn’t everything. And as a person you are starting here, there is nowhere to go but up. Better and better as time goes on.

When it comes to your mother, it sounds like you might rely on her for possibly financial support or housing support. But you may still want to consider distancing yourself from her, even if it’s just emotionally detaching yourself a bit. I’ve been working to do this myself with some family and some associates. It really is true that you start to become the people you surround yourself with. And she sounds like a miserable person, tbh. And not healthy to be around more than you need to. You have a family here that is full of many very respectable, helpful people with goals similar to yours. A few of them even helped me with a problem I had just recently. It is great to see you are reaching out to them.

Have you thought about, when you do get a job, to regardless of your coworkers or bosses irritating you, to just put your nose down and do the absolute best you can with 100% focus on what you’re doing? When I’m having a bad day, I apply myself 100% even if it’s something as simple as sweeping leaves off the sidewalk lol. I know I’m the BEST at that job in that moment, and it makes me feel accomplished coming home knowing I gave 100%, I feel in that moment that I could do anything as silly as it sounds, that I’m the best at my job. It sounds goofy but I really works, at least for me.

On the spiritual side of things, one of the small goals I set for myself a long time ago was to REGARDLESS what happens, to ALWAYS do my Hatha yoga routine. So I have. Some days I may do several RTR’s and even some work with Runes, etc, and some days I struggle just to do the Hatha yoga. But it’s a small goal, and it REALLY has helped. Something HPS Lydia had mentioned in the past, is how there are days where when everything in her mind and body makes her not want to do her routine for the day, but THAT is when you have to do it even more so. And she’s right. Because some days it will be harder to complete your goal, but trust me you feel TWICE as good after you complete it on those days.

This month I notice in the calendar there are some dates that would be pretty good to start a Mars square. You could start a Mars square for self-confidence. When I’m confident, everything in life is easier. And I think with more confidence, you would automatically have some of your problems solved, you would feel better AND you would be more ready and able to take control of your life head one. I did Jupiter squares several years ago and I noticed incredible results that are still with me today. The squares really work. I will be doing Mercury squares this year as I’m taking my life back as well, and getting my behind into gear again doing what I should be for the Gods. The RTR’s really give me some appreciation for myself knowing Im giving my effort and time to the Gods and they help keep your mind off your problems in your life, and you can let out your anger and frustrations out while you do it as well, as Maxine had written before. It’s almost therapeutic.

There are many members that can and will have better, deeper, more well-articulated (never my strong point) and accurate answers than I have. But this all helped me and I hope some of it can help you as well.

 

[TheFlea]

https://ancient-forums.com/index.ph...nd-its-role-in-manifesting-our-reality.82361/

Also I had almost forgotten about this great article written by one of our family here. He makes great points and posts links to two of HPHC’s sermons one on never giving up in life and the other on family, I found all three of these articles helpful and I think they really apply to your situation and may help you.

 

[Engineered Trasformation]

I have some massive problems regarding relationships and bonding with other people,

Red flag 1

was scared of people hurting me again.

Red flag 2

due to my mental state I never took care of them, those few teeth that remained are in an extremely bad condition.

I just feel completely miserable, broken and alone,

Red flag 3, 4

I recently increased my activities on the forum; the main theme where I can help is that of abuses as I spent the last 2 years studying in deep this matter. I felt the urge to scan the ask-satan forum to find where I can be useful. I am prone to help disadvantaged people for my planetary placements, The fun thing is, I am one of them so I am also helping myself, writing on here.

I do not want to be rude or too direct but, here, those are evident signs of a person who suffered childhood abuse. Lack of self esteem and lack of consideration for the self (personal care, body care, etc.), feeling you are of no value, living "alone in a cave" are all signs of traumatized personality. It seems to me, your family may be the cause of those abuses (physical, sexual, psychological, whatever etc.).

I will try to help the best I can. Please note this and keep this strongly in your mind if you want to ever start a recovery path :
- Most often, the mind does NOT remember childhood abuses as the minds removes heavy traumas. You possibly do not remember that, but your emotions do know and act in perpetual defense, without your control. Flashbacks, dreams, and bad feelings are a sign of this.
- Victims of abuse ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE NOR THE CAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM. The abuser is, not the victim. Guilt and sense of self-resposnibility causes victims to feel as non-worthy. You show heavy signs of this. THAT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT !
- Living in perpetual "surveillance mode" is common, any person is seen as a potential danger, thus relationships systematically fail. The unconscious mind believes you are still living in abuse-perpetual-mode Anything in the external world is a threat, so the victim isolates herself.
- Feeling weak and with few energies is common, as internal fights between the logical and unconscious (often multiple) mind(s) causes low energies.
- You are not a victim, you are a SURVIVOR as you have been able to reach the Jos, find Satan, mediatate, and seek for help and a solution. Most weak victims, suicide. Those like me and probably you, have the strength to survive and go on. The soul is strong, the soul strive for survival, a Satanic soul even much more.

What I can suggest :
- Calm down and do not rush into your emotions. Each survivor has bad days, but also good days when you feel OK. Take actions when you feel good, and stop any attempt when you feel very bad.
- I know this sounds non-Satanic and a bit egoistic, but, if you are really unable to escape your situation, find someone who is prone to help people with problems, as a partner. It will not be easy to find one that is non-xian, but you can ask your GD to address you to the right person. Avoid communities, center of help, etc. they are mostly run by jews/xians etc. What you will need is someone WILLING to breing you out of your family and home, now. Otherwise, easier way to go out is: is there a job few people would do? Would many people work on a vessel sailing in the ocean for many months? Would someone work in a isolated hotel on the mountains to clean the rooms or cook, etc. ? No, becase they want to live in big cities with clubs, shops, drinks... you name it. Basically, people hiring those kind of workers, DO NEED people quickly and they have problems in finding them. They will not judge you for your abilities, as long as you are honest and you want to work. They can also give you a room and roof over the head included in your job. Their WILL will keep you in your workplace far from your abusers. Relocate, work, and change place. This is my advice, I know it's extreme, but your situation seems extreme.
- Read books on PTSD, traumas, splitted personality, etc. Van der Kolk "The body keeps the score" is a good start.
- Do something to add value to yourself, contantly, until you start to feel worthy. Whatever! Draw pictures of the Demons and post here. Build simple wooden toys for the kids to be sold at a fair price. Simply make a good job, when you will have a job. Whatever.

I truly hope this will help you.
The Demons will guide you, ask for a guidance for your "escape plan". This may be long, not easy, but well worth the effort and, also, will pave the way for next lives to be better than this one.

 

[Engineered Trasformation]

I just forgot. Apparently, you feel very low on willpower as you are using most of your willpower to overcome your situation, and break free!
Once you will climb this step up, things will get easier. I know this for a fact.