i get always pushed back into pain

[Fuchs]

whenever i feel like im bettering myself as a human and not treat others like shit whenever im in that egoless mode it feels all peaceful but when something happens i get weak and i curse instead of being peaceful and it ends up hurting me too... always... its always an endless circle of pain. this world is so rotten. i have a feeling im left alone. only by myself... i have destroyed people i loved because i couldnt handle certain situations and got too emotional...

Try to invoke earth it will ground you (start slow):
https://www.satanisgod.org/www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/Invoking_Earth.html

or Invoking Quintessence which will balance what ever element you miss:
https://www.satanisgod.org/www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/Invoking_Quintessence.html

 

[Aquarius]

Now you know what to work on.
If you feel like dedicating yourself to Satan and bettering yourself as a person, then start meditating and clean your soul with meditation.

 

[Head Guardian Blitzkreig]

whenever i feel like im bettering myself as a human and not treat others like shit whenever im in that egoless mode it feels all peaceful but when something happens i get weak and i curse instead of being peaceful and it ends up hurting me too... always... its always an endless circle of pain. this world is so rotten. i have a feeling im left alone. only by myself... i have destroyed people i loved because i couldnt handle certain situations and got too emotional...

Look at your natal chart and you will probably see what is causing this. Also, look at your north node to see what type of energy you are mainly missing from your life. Then you can try certain runes, or invoking elements or zodiac energy to balance this.

Additionally, just keep focusing on void meditation. This is necessary for avoiding this exact situation. You can also write out a "guide" for yourself, where you say: "whenever I get angry, I will instead focus my hate on the enemy". Remembering this will make it easier for you to control yourself in the moment, and your brain will remember this instead of directing hate elsewhere.

You shouldn't think of proper behavior as being "egoless". Your ego is a real thing, and it needs to be respected to feel happy. If someone is genuinely mean to you, you are within your right to address it. This is a component of justice. However, taking the proper corrective actions is also a component of justice.

If, in your anger, or any other situations where you feel out of control, you can also go back and reverse any curses or negative thinking. Once you catch yourself acting inappropriately on anger, then you should take even more time to think or do the opposite action, to prevent something bad from happening.

This world, or your world, is not an endless circle of pain. This is the essence of Zevism. We can have things exactly how we want them. Do not despair, instead try to focus on exactly what is leading to this. Good luck and take care.

 

[Head Guardian Blitzkreig]

...

Be careful posting astrological data because the enemy can use it to target you. You will have to do most of the studying yourself, but it is not actually that hard to understand major influences on your chart. If you described yourself as bipolar, and based on what you wrote so far, you are likely heavy in fire and water. This is what generally tends towards strong emotions and subsequent strong anger.

When looking at the planets, look at their signs and the houses they fall in. Also, look at the major aspects between them. Look at the main planets (sun, moon, mars, venus, maybe mercury, also Saturn, sometimes Pluto), as these will show how you interact with the world around you.

I would recommend using Cafe Astrology as a good first interpretation. You can also get a paid, computer-interpreted chart. I would recommend this one by Astrodienst for this.

Furthermore, make use of the Azazel's Astrology page. This will give you further detail of your chart.

You will want to read and reread the chart, as well as look at multiple interpretations of each aspect. This will allow you to gain a full picture of everything going on, and therefore what actions to take to balance yourself.

Last, but not least, you can try invoking small amounts of certain elements to balance yourself. Using ether is very safe since it includes all 4 elements in a balanced package. Whatever elements you use, also make sure to program them appropriately, to be safe.

 

[Eric13]

The biggest lesson I’ve learned when dealing with this myself is it all boils down to who you hang around. Not all people suck. Surround yourself around those that do and you’ll experience this. Change who you hang around.