Had a weird thought about family tonight. Family came to mind more the past couple of years especially as I was in some emergencies but I realized there was so much I hadn’t told them that my friends knew more about. It’s sad because regardless of what’s going on, and because of the loss I experienced earlier on than everyone and the circumstances that made us a little different, I don’t feel right turning around and being close with all of them.
Some of our older ancestors and we just call them that, they’re just really old school and basically we’ve been more like a collective. So even when we’re not all getting along or close there’s still some ability to reach out and be like “hey I need something,” no questions asked. One of my uncles made me feel to obligated to provide answers through this ridiculous sort of contract that was actually in some way (attorney perspective if they wanted to keep targeting us financially) yeah it’d be misused and yes I was “forced,” to do certain things, PowerPoint presentations on plans and projects that were very personal, collegiate sort of presentations and then put together in an email, kind of like some things I’d have to do with attorneys. So then I’m like okay thanks for all of this effort and in my mind I’m like please don’t be obligating me to act like a parent to your child now not that I don’t care about him at all distance. Have no clue what anyone knows about me at this point, I have no idea what my expectations are now for the “entire family,” for some reason they look to the one who has “been through the most right now,” I mentioned in passing because I wanted to get out of this contract after just one more rule was slapped onto it that I have to SOLELY work with family members regarding some property.
I said “WE HAVE A HUGE FAMILY,” and then he gives a nice list of which family members are excluded that I actually like. This isn’t the same thing as having parents I literally lost mine. These aren’t my parents literally. Successfully out of contract now, which means half of some other very serious concerns get to fall to the wayside and be resolved, I do have the choice to just never send another text or an email. It’s a weird thing to HAVE kids and also still be under this weird pressure like with this German mini-government. Some cultures think their families are more strict, loyal, and put together and all of that more than white ones, not all true. Def some down sides to it though.
I don’t ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever want to be stuck in some weird place and have to feel some ridiculous sort of anger over not having the answer to something again. I’d feel resentful if there was any expectation of any type to actually be close or participate in things like they were. Or like just because I said I’d do something to get out of something I have to even though some of those things are too much and/or I forget. I feel torn away from my actual family and the things they like, clients and friends. Kids are an exception. Of all of these years, where I wanted to just be able to sort of be myself and I build some thing up just solely on being yourself, I still kept so much to myself. Like isolation, it’s like ending. I didn’t even realize this was something that isolating and it was 10 years. All things I couldn’t see & 12th house transit is also ending. can’t help but think of them because they are family but when you get so much older things really do change so much.
I am thinking okay these guys were jerks, think they helped me a ton and rly didn’t. The ones I do want to talk to who also wouldn’t judge me, I look at some of their records and see one got a DUI, one probably did smoke weed once or twice and they’re all successful and happy. Why were we put under SO MUCH EXTREME STANDARDS. The youngest and the last of them and I’m the one who HAS CHILDREN AND HAD THEM YOUNG, and I AM THE ONE with the HIGHEST expectations too. Like omfg people do get pulled over and get tickets sometimes; all the time. Police do exist, and this never had to be something that was used to hold resources over my head. Like wow you got pulled over you’re the biggest loser of the family ever.
Oh okay. Checks court records.. lawsuit for accident with company - 1 cousin 2. DUI when other cousin had just had young kids too - also drinking. And here I was put through this REGIME for the sake of a regime via a contract, and the consequence that shouldn’t have been there was pushed even though it was outside of contract. So I’m over here losing thing, hard on myself, being a good noodle and seriously almost wanting to cry or vomit for purchasing FOOD. Maybe just saying this because it’s possible I should talk to lawyer. This was unfair, I lost major things. I feel sort of crushed even though yeah very lucky some of these people exist, and the majority of them are nice. The cousins who maybe made “some mistakes” would probably be nothing but nice to me. I remember how much some of them loved me. Some of these older richer family members are just legit mean & they don’t see it. This is like how a very young person would feel, this isn’t even a situation where it’s I’m in their house and have to follow their rules though it’s a situation where “hey we have your stuff but this contract says you have to follow rules to have it, so we’re also gonna screw with you for multiple years & also people just disregard your whole life sometimes. It’s “your life but our rules,” still type of thing. Your health, happiness, whatever. Anyway, I’m free now. I can speak, maybe say I believe in the gods, and maybe go back to my family family and if I choose some family members that I like to have around and share things with maybe it finally gets to be my choice. I earned it.
For some reason people have taken things that were not meant to be taken and have sort of monopolized it. They play stupid games, maybe even gain something material from it, and I basically had to let it be on the back burner. It felt damaging, and this has allegedly poorly impacted my mental health aside from other things in life, basically documented. I have everything packed up and I want to leave regardless of what else I might be leaving behind.