I've done the commitment ritual 3 years ago. Since that time, no matter how much I try, I can't advance. I never manifested something. I can't focus while meditating. I constantly have the feeling that I'm doing it wrong. My mind heavily runs based on logic and science, and sometimes I feel like aall of it pseudoscience even though deep down I still have that faith. I had so much doubts I literally tried to move out of zevism and read some texts and stuff and the next day I was crying because I didn't mean anything and I felt like I committed an unforgettable thing and I'm gonna be banished from zevism or something. I still have that heavy guilt for that one emotional action. And all the time, always, I just want a way to communicate with gods. I need signs. Signs that they are not mad at me. I don't know. I feel so bad. I feel like a bad follower/worshipper. I feel so bad that so many times I tried to gain things for myself instead putting most of my energy for him. But I could never quite get anything through manifestation so I guess even if I tried to commit my energy to him it would be useless. I can't do anything for myself, how can I do something for him?
I feel so powerless and insignificant. The fact that there are so many ways yet I seem like to be failing is driving me crazy. I can't do anything properly.
I even feel bad because a week ago I was again questioning everything because I was literally thinking that the gods couldn't possibly have chromosomes, so how do they even exist? How do they have genders?
I need clarity. Clarity on everything. On a path. On deities.
Sorry to write such a long post. But I couldn't keep these to myself. I really, really love and adore Zeus. I was drawn to him from the beginning. I used to write beautiful pieces for him. But all the time. Never I saw a sign. And I never advanced. I did some basic meditations but I got lost. I feel like no one hears me.
I feel so powerless and insignificant. The fact that there are so many ways yet I seem like to be failing is driving me crazy. I can't do anything properly.
I even feel bad because a week ago I was again questioning everything because I was literally thinking that the gods couldn't possibly have chromosomes, so how do they even exist? How do they have genders?
I need clarity. Clarity on everything. On a path. On deities.
Sorry to write such a long post. But I couldn't keep these to myself. I really, really love and adore Zeus. I was drawn to him from the beginning. I used to write beautiful pieces for him. But all the time. Never I saw a sign. And I never advanced. I did some basic meditations but I got lost. I feel like no one hears me.
