I'm not sure how to start this, so I guess I'll dive right in.
I came to Father a few years ago, as broken and damaged as I have ever been. I did not come to him looking for salvation, nor under the pretense that I could better myself. I came to him (out of a christian mindset) to destroy those who had wronged me. Every single person who made me who I used to be, who caused me pain, who mocked me, but most of all who betrayed me.. From a young age I have known the very definition of heartbreak, and please do not think of me as someone who is looking for sympathy for I am well beyond that point, I simply wish to convey my story and to desperately search for an answer I long to find. At 8 years old (I think?) my parents divorced. Both remarried within 2 years to horrific people who made my childhood a nightmare, and who I believe to be Jews or descendants of Jews. My step-mother, has all but dissolved my Father of any trace of who he used to be. He is now a raving christian lunatic who presses his beliefs on anyone and everyone, which brings me great sorrow for I deeply miss who my Father was, and what he stood for. My step-father, has driven my Mother to an all time high stress level that is VERY negatively affecting her health, who I might add is a tyrannical person only caring for himself, and who constantly uses guilt and harsh emotional harassment to get what he wants. Fast forward to age 15, all the while suffering these horrible people (attempting) to mold me into a faithful little obedient sheep of christianity. My "best friend" since the first grade is the son of my step-father and is how him and my mother met. Has broken me and my first love's relationship out of jealousy and attempted to sleep with her. Held a knife to my throat in a drunken rage, and constantly sucks any and all emotion he can out of me. At age 17 I think, I was manipulated by a girl in my high-school, who would later trap me in a marriage at the age of 19, by lying to me and stopping her birth control without my knowledge. I later got her to admit this with a friend of mine (David) after she had been drinking all night and going crazy. We had our first child when I was 20, and although she was/is a lying manipulating whore I did love her at the time. Or at least I felt I did. We had another child, all the while she was sleeping with her ex, trying to sleep with my best-friend at the time David, and sleeping with a co-worker.
After discovering all this about her, she proceeded to take everything. The car, the kids, the money. Everything. I went into an extremely deep depression after losing the last thing in my life I felt I was living for. On the verge of suicide my mother sent me into a government program for younger criminal's (18-14 years of age) trying to make a fresh start in their life, known as Job Corps. There I started using heavier drugs than I did in High-School. Meth, Cocaine, Pain Pills.. Eventually I convinced my mother to let me come back home after confessing to her and telling her about all the drug related activity that went on there. From then on my step-father did nothing to help the situation but made it worse by constantly hounding me and telling me I was trash, and that "he wished I never came back". Next my step-brother who after everything, I had forgiven and we had been talking and hanging out again got a place. I saw it as my opportunity to escape and asked him if we could get a place together, and we did.
That brings us up to speed to now. I have left out alot of what happened in between everything but I feel those listed were the major points and blows to my life.
When I found Father Satan, I did not come to him looking for salvation. I came in a christian mindset to sell my soul to him, so that he might destroy those who had wronged me. I was willing to sacrifice myself (suicide) to make this happen, but I wanted proof, a vision. I even bargained for a possession so that I may know for a fact it would happen. Around this time while I was trying to find anything on how to make this happen, I found the JOS. I felt intrigued and curiously started studying and reading the website.
It has been 3 years from that point, and I have again found hope that I may have some chance at something of a life.
My question is this... How do I force the discipline upon myself to continue meditating? I have tried to start the meditation program several times, and can never stick with it. I always wind up failing and getting discouraged and losing any progress I had made. I want this repetitious cycle to end so that I may leave this horrific life behind me and live for Father. I know I have the strength to be one of his warriors. It is what keeps me going now..Its everything I have left, and what I now live for. I have felt the love of Father Satan and it is the most comforting, amazingly redeeming thing I have ever felt. Truly unconditional, and what saved me from myself. If I can only get past my own barriers I know that I can serve him and get ultimately get my revenge on my ex-wife. To love my children and raise them...it is all I think about all day every day...
Please Brothers and Sisters, how do I get from here...to there?
I am dedicated, and talk to Father Satan every night. I need to escape my "family's" clutches.
I came to Father a few years ago, as broken and damaged as I have ever been. I did not come to him looking for salvation, nor under the pretense that I could better myself. I came to him (out of a christian mindset) to destroy those who had wronged me. Every single person who made me who I used to be, who caused me pain, who mocked me, but most of all who betrayed me.. From a young age I have known the very definition of heartbreak, and please do not think of me as someone who is looking for sympathy for I am well beyond that point, I simply wish to convey my story and to desperately search for an answer I long to find. At 8 years old (I think?) my parents divorced. Both remarried within 2 years to horrific people who made my childhood a nightmare, and who I believe to be Jews or descendants of Jews. My step-mother, has all but dissolved my Father of any trace of who he used to be. He is now a raving christian lunatic who presses his beliefs on anyone and everyone, which brings me great sorrow for I deeply miss who my Father was, and what he stood for. My step-father, has driven my Mother to an all time high stress level that is VERY negatively affecting her health, who I might add is a tyrannical person only caring for himself, and who constantly uses guilt and harsh emotional harassment to get what he wants. Fast forward to age 15, all the while suffering these horrible people (attempting) to mold me into a faithful little obedient sheep of christianity. My "best friend" since the first grade is the son of my step-father and is how him and my mother met. Has broken me and my first love's relationship out of jealousy and attempted to sleep with her. Held a knife to my throat in a drunken rage, and constantly sucks any and all emotion he can out of me. At age 17 I think, I was manipulated by a girl in my high-school, who would later trap me in a marriage at the age of 19, by lying to me and stopping her birth control without my knowledge. I later got her to admit this with a friend of mine (David) after she had been drinking all night and going crazy. We had our first child when I was 20, and although she was/is a lying manipulating whore I did love her at the time. Or at least I felt I did. We had another child, all the while she was sleeping with her ex, trying to sleep with my best-friend at the time David, and sleeping with a co-worker.
After discovering all this about her, she proceeded to take everything. The car, the kids, the money. Everything. I went into an extremely deep depression after losing the last thing in my life I felt I was living for. On the verge of suicide my mother sent me into a government program for younger criminal's (18-14 years of age) trying to make a fresh start in their life, known as Job Corps. There I started using heavier drugs than I did in High-School. Meth, Cocaine, Pain Pills.. Eventually I convinced my mother to let me come back home after confessing to her and telling her about all the drug related activity that went on there. From then on my step-father did nothing to help the situation but made it worse by constantly hounding me and telling me I was trash, and that "he wished I never came back". Next my step-brother who after everything, I had forgiven and we had been talking and hanging out again got a place. I saw it as my opportunity to escape and asked him if we could get a place together, and we did.
That brings us up to speed to now. I have left out alot of what happened in between everything but I feel those listed were the major points and blows to my life.
When I found Father Satan, I did not come to him looking for salvation. I came in a christian mindset to sell my soul to him, so that he might destroy those who had wronged me. I was willing to sacrifice myself (suicide) to make this happen, but I wanted proof, a vision. I even bargained for a possession so that I may know for a fact it would happen. Around this time while I was trying to find anything on how to make this happen, I found the JOS. I felt intrigued and curiously started studying and reading the website.
It has been 3 years from that point, and I have again found hope that I may have some chance at something of a life.
My question is this... How do I force the discipline upon myself to continue meditating? I have tried to start the meditation program several times, and can never stick with it. I always wind up failing and getting discouraged and losing any progress I had made. I want this repetitious cycle to end so that I may leave this horrific life behind me and live for Father. I know I have the strength to be one of his warriors. It is what keeps me going now..Its everything I have left, and what I now live for. I have felt the love of Father Satan and it is the most comforting, amazingly redeeming thing I have ever felt. Truly unconditional, and what saved me from myself. If I can only get past my own barriers I know that I can serve him and get ultimately get my revenge on my ex-wife. To love my children and raise them...it is all I think about all day every day...
Please Brothers and Sisters, how do I get from here...to there?
I am dedicated, and talk to Father Satan every night. I need to escape my "family's" clutches.